‘I’m really sorry about Will,’ said Aaron, kissing her forehead. He had come to meet her the following evening after work and Karin was showing him around. He said he wanted to see how they were getting on with only four clear days to go before the launch. Aaron knew how anxious Karin was, said he was feeling nervous on her behalf.
It seemed wrong to ignore Will’s room, but Karin was finding that she couldn’t be in it for long. The emptiness was too much. Aaron refrained from commenting on the shocking colour scheme Will had chosen. They stood arm in arm looking out of the window, down the garden at Will’s bench, almost finished now. She had organized a commemorative seat to be built in his name. She supposed they would have to find a replacement for Will at some point, which wouldn’t be difficult given the long waiting list, but for now this was simply Will’s room. At least until after his funeral, whenever that might be possible.
‘I just can’t believe he’s not around any more,’ said Karin, pulling away from Aaron to indicate this was quite long enough to be in here.
‘I can’t believe he’s gone either,’ said Aaron, as she closed the door.
She locked up and set the alarm.
When they were in the car, Aaron continued to say encouraging things about the project, rounding off with: ‘You’ll be ready for Saturday, I’m sure you will.’ She gave him a feeble nod. Karin didn’t think there was any doubt they would be ready but there was an awful lot on her mind besides. ‘I can put in a few hours, if it helps,’ Aaron offered, not understanding.
How could he understand?
He leant across to kiss her cheek, and said: ‘Maybe Wednesday, Thursday? There’s a bit of slack in the diary now, thanks to you. Got people off my back.’
Karin felt quite sick at that reminder. When was the right moment to tell him there wasn’t any money for this now? She had let them get all the way to Chapel Allerton without saying a word. When they pulled up outside an old church that had been converted into offices, she almost choked trying to keep back the tears. This could be her dream home.
‘Here we are,’ he said, pulling on the handbrake. ‘Still want to look around?’
‘Erm, no. I don’t need to.’
‘You know already? That’s good.’
‘I’m afraid I can’t buy it, Aaron.’
‘Oh. Well there’s still the Headingley house, if you’d prefer to do that. Needs a bit of TLC though.’
‘No, it’s not – I don’t have the money any more. My mother took it all back again, said I didn’t deserve it. I told you she isn’t a nice person. It’s just the sort of thing she’d do. I’m so sorry, Aaron.’
‘But – can she even do that?’
‘Well it’s her money, not mine.’
‘Yes but if it landed in your account, then it’s yours.’
‘Actually, it never got there. It was supposed to arrive on my birthday and when I checked with the accountant he said it was going to be sometime this week. But this morning he said that she’s withdrawn the payment altogether. She’s a bitch, I told you that.’
It had begun to rain. Light spots on the windscreen, becoming watery channels racing down the dusty glass as it got heavier. Karin was feeling that edginess of being trapped in a carwash; she closed her eyes to escape it.
Aaron started the engine again without saying anything.
Their mood was pensive on the way home and the rain not helping matters. This could be the end to the dry spell they had been enjoying, blue-sky days and long summer evenings. Most cars had their headlights on as the light had faded early, turning the traffic into a streaky blur and the buildings on this particular stretch into a dull grey. As they got nearer the town centre, Karin’s thoughts were on a young homeless crowd who used to hang out along this route around the Playhouse. She remembered, too, that the rain was a nightmare. Even summer rain. It wasn’t cleansing or refreshing. Just wet, stinky clothes; soggy cardboard beds; leaky tents with penknife slashes; rain seeping through holey shoes; and very little charity from passers-by, who scurried along with their heads bowed under hoods and umbrellas, screwed-up faces screening them against the rain with a good excuse to look the other way.
Karin also thought of Will.
Snapping back to the present, she realized the silence had gone on for too long.
‘It’ll be okay, Aaron. Won’t it? I mean, we’ll be okay.’
Aaron slammed on the brakes and swerved into the kerb.
‘Aaron!’
The handbrake made a scraping sound, clawing up a barrier between them, the engine still running.
‘Why can’t you just call your mum?’
‘What?’
‘I don’t mean about the money. I just mean there are so many secrets around you, Karin, I don’t know who the real Karin is. Not really. I thought I did but I absolutely don’t. You’re lucky to still have a mum and it just seems wrong that you don’t even try to have a relationship with her. I respect the fact you fell out and there’s hurt on both sides, but if it were me I’d at least try. You have to start opening up to me, Karin. Otherwise, no, we definitely won’t be okay.’
He pulled away again.
‘Sorry,’ he whispered almost immediately after, and rested his hand on her leg. ‘A good day just turned into a bad one. Not your fault. Don’t worry, I’ll find another solution.’
‘It’s me who’s sorry, Aaron.’
When they arrived back at his place, Karin was racking her brain as to what more she could safely tell him. Perhaps there were things, small things: a few more anecdotes about Birgitta, her dad, even a bit more detail on Louie and what their relationship was actually like. However it only seemed to highlight a situation that was worsening by the day, the list of forbidden topics increasing, with the added uncertainty that Aaron might at some point be the recipient of one of Louie’s notes.
Would they ever be able to discuss anything without Karin worrying that she was about to let something slip? Her only hope was that once this had all blown over, things would gradually improve. For now it was hard to see when that could possibly be.
Karin was about to sit down next to Aaron, a bottle of wine and two glasses in her hand, when something made her check her phone first.
She made some feeble excuse about Mel not being well, which only deepened the atmosphere already hanging over them.
Aaron kindly offered to drive her back to Headingley, but Karin insisted on getting a taxi.