For a moment Nancy and Felix stared at each other like strangers. Nancy knew that she looked different. She was thinner, her hair was more unruly than ever, there were rings under her eyes. And Felix seemed awkward and out of place in this setting. He had dressed up for the meeting in a bright new white shirt and fawn chinos, as if he were going to an interview for a job in middle management.
The place where they met hardly felt like part of the hospital. Dr Cavendish had led Nancy to a reception room with two sofas and the sort of nautical pictures you might see on the walls of a country hotel. Large windows looked out on the garden.
Dr Cavendish introduced herself.
‘I’m going to stay during your meeting,’ she said. ‘But I won’t be involved. These first encounters can be stressful for everyone, and I just want to make sure everything goes smoothly. Please, just forget that I’m even here.’
She sat on a chair over by the window. She didn’t have a notebook, but she didn’t look away or get on with her own work either. She just sat with her hands in her lap.
Felix looked over, almost nervously, at Dr Cavendish.
‘Can I hug her?’
Dr Cavendish looked enquiringly at Nancy. Nancy nodded and stepped towards Felix and they hugged. It felt clumsy and strange, like two children hugging, not quite knowing where to put their hands. Nancy closed her eyes. She could feel the familiar bulk, smell his aftershave. They stepped apart and sat on the sofa, a couple of feet apart.
‘How are you doing?’ Felix asked.
‘It’s been difficult,’ said Nancy slowly. ‘But I’m starting to feel better, I think.’
‘You look good,’ he said.
Nancy didn’t quite know how to respond to this. She knew that she didn’t look good. Anyway, she told herself, that was beside the point. That wasn’t what this meeting was about.
‘I’m so glad you felt you could come,’ she said.
‘Of course I came.’
Felix started to say something else but Nancy held up her hand to stop him.
‘There’s something I need to tell you, Felix. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days.’ She paused, composing herself, and then spoke slowly and deliberately, holding his gaze as she did so and feeling the doctor’s eyes on her. ‘What I wanted to say is that I’m becoming aware of how horribly difficult I made things for you, how badly I behaved and how much I have hurt you. When I was brought here, I’ve got to admit that I was angry with you. Very angry. It’s been a slow and painful process to go through, but I’ve come to realise that you were doing your best to save me. It was necessary.’
She forced herself to keep looking directly at Felix. Don’t look at Stef Cavendish, she told herself. Don’t make it look as if that speech was really aimed at her, to get her approval.
‘I’ve got to accept that I’ve got a mental problem and sometimes – quite often, actually – other people can see it more clearly than I can. It must have been appalling for you and I’m really sorry.’
Nancy stopped and looked down at the floor. That was enough, she thought. Or was it too much? She suddenly had the fear that Felix and Dr Cavendish would start laughing at the obviously fake and overdone confession.
‘I was just doing it for you,’ said Felix. ‘You have to realise that whatever I do, whatever you do, we’re always on the same side, always a team.’
Nancy turned back to Felix, and he looked towards the doctor.
‘She seems so much better,’ he said. ‘I thought I’d lost her, but now I feel like I’ve got my own Nancy back.’
The words, and the tone in which he spoke them, made Nancy almost physically sick, but she still kept her calm gaze on him.
‘Can I ask you something?’ he asked.
‘What?’
‘The things you said. About the poor girl who took her life, I mean.’
‘Kira,’ interposed Nancy before she could prevent herself. The ‘poor girl’ had to be named.
Felix frowned.
‘Yes, Kira. You said terrible things.’
‘I know,’ said Nancy. ‘I can hardly bear to think of it.’
‘You said she didn’t take her own life. You made wild accusations against people.’
‘Yes.’
‘But now you recognise that was wrong? That what it looked like was what it was.’
‘What it looked like was what it was,’ repeated Nancy submissively.
She thought of Kira’s face as she had seen it on that dreadful day, wild with fear and distress. She thought of the body on its rope. She put a hand against her mouth for a moment, feeling nauseous.
‘You have no suspicions any longer?’ asked Cavendish, glancing from one face to the other.
‘Of course not,’ Nancy replied fervently. ‘I was ill. Everything seemed suspicious. Ordinary things became dangerous. I felt everyone was my enemy.’ She turned to Felix. ‘Even you, Felix, which is a terrible thing to say. I even thought you were against me. Now I know it was my psychosis. And I feel so ashamed.’
She covered her eyes with a hand and took a few whimpering sighs.
‘I understand,’ said Felix. ‘And I will make sure everyone in the house understands as well. They do already. Everyone is very sympathetic.’
Nancy took her hand away.
She was so horrified by the idea of the people in the house talking about her, feeling sympathetic towards her, that she didn’t trust herself to speak.
Felix turned to the doctor.
‘Do you think she’s ready to leave?’ he continued.
These were exactly the words she had been hoping to hear, but Nancy made the supreme effort not to seem too eager. She shook her head slowly, sadly. You never knew how Dr Cavendish would interpret this. If Nancy said she thought she was cured, Dr Cavendish might see this as a sign that she wasn’t cured.
‘I don’t know, Felix,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure if I’m quite ready. I mean…’ She made herself hesitate, as if searching for the right words. ‘I think I’m doing better and I’m taking the medication and I think it’s settled me, but maybe I need to be absolutely sure.’
‘You’re never going to be absolutely sure, Nancy,’ said Dr Cavendish. ‘It isn’t like a broken leg. There’s no simple cure. What we hope for is that you gain an insight into your condition, that you follow instructions and take your medication and that you feel able to resume your normal life.’
‘Doesn’t she seem better to you, Doctor?’ asked Felix.
‘I think that Nancy has made considerable progress. After a rocky start.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It’s only to be expected. People sometimes find it difficult to accept their situation. That’s part of their illness. Acceptance is part of their recovery.’
‘But now she does seem to be recovering.’
Nancy was burningly aware that they were talking about her as if she weren’t in the room or as if she were a child who didn’t understand grown-up language.
‘Yes, I’m pleased with the way things are going.’ Dr Cavendish smiled. ‘But if you’re asking if she can just walk out with you today, then the answer is no.’
Nancy felt a terrible lurch of disappointment, but she tried not to let it show in her expression.
‘We need to have an assessment,’ Dr Cavendish continued. ‘Above all, we need to agree officially that Nancy is no longer a threat to herself or to others.’
‘How long will that take?’
‘A few days. We need to be certain.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Felix. ‘I hoped I could take you with me.’
Nancy felt a dull, grey ache of disappointment. Still, she had achieved what she had set out to achieve. Now she just wanted Felix to leave her alone.
‘I’m just glad you came,’ she said. ‘You don’t have to stay any longer. You’ve done enough. If things go well, we’ll be together soon.’
Felix leaned forward and kissed her. Nancy tried to keep the kiss soft and chaste. He stood up.
‘I’ll have everything ready for you,’ he said. ‘Everything perfect.’
‘I know you will,’ said Nancy.
Three and a half days later, Nancy walked down the corridor behind a nurse with her holdall, past all the doors with their apertures, past the public room where the television was playing to no one, past the reception hub where the nurse with the missing tooth was sitting.
Nancy tried to breathe normally and to keep her expression calm, but at every moment she expected a tap on the shoulder, a voice telling her it had been a mistake. Her stomach churned and her heart felt jittery with hope and dread.
‘Off, are you?’
She turned and saw Mil Burns behind her. He was grinning at her. She looked at his long black hair that had threads of silver in it, his stupid tattoos of dragons and warriors, his knowing smile. Heat rose in her like bile.
‘I am,’ she said.
She didn’t smile but she didn’t shout or snarl either.
‘You’ll be back. A woman like you.’
She didn’t reply. The nurse unlocked the door and pushed it open. Nancy stepped out of the ward.
Terry was there, the nurse who had asked her if she had a boyfriend. He was blocking her way. She took a step towards him and for a few seconds, he didn’t move, just stared at her. She stared back, saying nothing though a scream was rising in her. Then he nodded and stood aside.
‘See you,’ he said.
‘I don’t think so.’
She wanted to run, but she made herself walk at a steady pace. She followed the signs towards the exit.
Nobody stopped her, nobody called her name, and after what seemed like an age she was at the revolving door and could see the outside world, a car park, a road beyond it, a bus going by, people on the pavement in their heavy winter coats, a plane overhead angling off to somewhere warm.
She stepped into the door, pushed it forward, came out the other side. Briefly, she allowed herself to look back at the building, its stained brick walls and rows of windows. Perhaps Josie was at one of them, her face grey as it had been this morning when she’d said goodbye to Nancy and Nancy had held her hand and told her to be in touch when she got out. The brave hopelessness of her.
Then two hands landed on her shoulder and she froze.
‘Nancy. Babe.’
She turned and he kissed her – on her forehead, then her lips. He took her bag and wrapped one arm around her, pulling her close. His eyes were shining.
‘I’m going to look after you now,’ he said tenderly. ‘I’m going to keep you safe and sound.’