On the drive back, Nancy half slept, and half pretended to sleep. When she opened her eyes, she saw the beginnings of London: warehouses, petrol stations, supermarkets, scrubby fields. She immediately felt better, as if she was coming to a country where she was comfortable.
She was aware that Felix was glancing at her, looking back at the road, then glancing at her again.
‘What is it?’ she asked.
‘I’m just thinking.’
‘What about?’
‘I was worried,’ he said. ‘You know that everything I’ve ever done has been because I love you and I want what’s best for you. You know that, don’t you?’
‘Of course, I do. It can be difficult sometimes. But, really and deeply, I know that.’
‘You look so calm. I was worried that you might be angry.’
‘Angry about what?’
‘About everything. Everything that’s been going on.’
‘Being angry was part of my problem,’ said Nancy. ‘I think I’ve learned, or I’m starting to learn, that the people around me were trying to help, even if it didn’t always feel like that. It’s not about being cured. It’s about managing things, keeping a balance. I think I can do that now. I’m just looking forward to getting my life back. I just want to do the normal things, being at home, getting back to work.’
Felix visibly hesitated before answering. He gave a cough.
‘About that. I rang your work up and had conversation with a woman there called…’ He paused. ‘Is it Jane?’
‘Jill.’
‘Jill, that’s it. I talked to her and explained the situation and said that once it was over you’d probably be needing some rest, so you’d be away for a while.’
‘Well, I’m back now and I think it would be good for me to get straight back to work.’
As Felix replied to this, he didn’t look round as he had been doing before. He just stared ahead at the road.
‘I’m not sure that’ll be possible.’
‘Why not? I feel fine. It would be good for me to work. And I need the money.’
‘I’m sure you’re fine. You seem so much better, although of course you will need to be careful. But I rang your work and this woman Jill who I talked to said that she’d need to hire someone else. I suppose that’s the problem with small companies.’
For a moment, Nancy felt she wanted to scream or lash out or jump out of the car, even though it was going at seventy on the motorway. Once she had suppressed all those impulses, she just wanted to ask: why would you do that? But she pushed her nails into the palms of her hands and waited before speaking.
‘I thought it would be a help,’ she said meekly. ‘It would be a way of getting my life back on track.’
‘Your life is on track, my darling. We just need to keep it that way. You’ve had too much to deal with. I think that’s what set you off. I want to do everything I can to protect you from that.’
‘But when do you think I’ll be ready?’
‘We’ll know,’ said Felix in a reassuring tone. ‘But not now. You should let yourself be looked after.’
‘What about you?’
‘What about me?’
‘You should be able to live a normal life. You shouldn’t have to spend so much of your time looking after me.’
‘You let me worry about that.’
When Felix unlocked the flat and Nancy stepped inside, she felt a sudden rush of panic. She was hit by the memory of what had happened when she was last there, being restrained and dragged out screaming. It wasn’t even a memory. She was there and it was happening all over again. She could hear the sounds and smell the smells. Felix started to ask her something but she interrupted him.
‘Wait,’ she said. ‘Give me a moment.’
She rushed into the bathroom and shut the door and locked it. At first she leaned over the toilet bowl. She thought she was going to vomit but she took a few deep breaths and the feeling subsided. She took all of her clothes off. Everything smelt of the hospital: her clothes, her body, her hair, everything. She stood in the shower and made the water as hot as she could bear. She washed her hair and then found a flannel and scrubbed every bit of her body that she could reach. She rinsed herself off and then washed her hair and her body all over again until her skin felt raw. The smell was still there, but Nancy knew that it was in her head. It would take days, weeks, to go away.
She left the shower running until she felt the temperature start to drop. As she switched the water off, she heard voices. Someone else was in the flat. She looked down at her discarded clothes in dismay. She rapped at the door.
‘Felix, could you bring me something to put on?’
She dried herself and stood wrapped in her towel, waiting, until there was a knock on the door. She opened it just a few inches. Felix pushed her blue dressing gown through the gap. She pulled it on and felt it cling to her damp skin. She opened the door and stepped into the living room. Michelle and Dylan were sitting on the sofa. There were glasses of red wine in front of them on the coffee table. Both of them smiled at her.
‘Welcome home,’ said Michelle. ‘We brought mince pies. And wine. It felt right for the season.’
Dylan stood up and walked towards Nancy. He looked at her and put his hands on her shoulders. She felt like an animal being checked over in a meat market. He looked back at his wife with a grin.
‘She looks all right, don’t you think? She maybe needs a bit of fattening up.’
Nancy was conscious of her dressing gown against her damp body. She felt naked under their gaze. Michelle looked at her husband and Nancy saw her give the faintest shake of her head, an expression of mild, weary exasperation. Nancy thought of a mother watching her little child misbehaving again.
‘Shall I pour you a glass?’ said Michelle.
‘Nancy shouldn’t really drink,’ said Felix. ‘Doctor’s orders.’
‘Of course. That’s so stupid of me,’ said Michelle. ‘Shall I make some tea?’
‘That’s all right,’ said Nancy. ‘I’m going to put some clothes on.’
Nancy went into the bedroom, closed the door and leaned against it, as if she could keep the rest of the world out, just for a few minutes. She calmed herself. It was okay. She could do this. She threw off her dressing gown and started to get dressed. When she had pulled on knickers and a pair of black jeans, there was a knock on the door.
‘Just a moment,’ she said.
The door opened and Michelle stepped inside. She pushed the door closed behind her.
‘I’m getting dressed,’ said Nancy, folding her arms over her naked breasts.
‘Don’t mind me,’ said Michelle cheerfully and sat down on the bed.
Nancy was in such a state of shock that she was unable to speak. Only a few people had ever behaved like that, hanging around while she was getting dressed as if it didn’t matter. That was what lovers and best friends do, not the woman who had lied to get her sectioned. She turned her back to Michelle and rummaged in a drawer.
‘It’s good to see you looking better,’ Michelle said.
Nancy finished dressing, finally pulling a heavy sweater over her head. It felt like protection. She faced Michelle once more.
‘Better?’ said Nancy, slowly, almost as if she were testing the word to see what it meant. ‘My life’s better. There’s no doubt about that.’
‘I did what was best for you,’ Michelle said. ‘You need to understand that.’
‘I do understand. The doctors told me what you said about me.’
‘It wasn’t just me. Everyone was worried about you. You’re lucky to have a partner like Felix, who cares for you so very deeply. You’re lucky to have a doctor like Harry as a neighbour; he gave me good advice. And…’ She hesitated. ‘I know that Dylan can be a bit much, sometimes. He’s not exactly politically correct. But he was worried about you. We acted the way that friends and neighbours should act.’
Nancy felt like shouting at her. She didn’t doubt that Felix had instigated it or that Harry and Dylan had been involved. But the bar for being sectioned is high. Michelle had claimed that Nancy was an imminent threat – to Michelle’s life and to her own life. That had been why she had been in custody and assaulted and forcibly injected.
‘It’s been difficult,’ she said. ‘But I get that now.’
‘I’m so glad. What are your plans for the future?’
Michelle smiled as she asked that question, but Nancy saw that behind the smile there was an almost ferocious curiosity.
‘I want to get completely better,’ said Nancy. ‘And I want to get on with my life.’
‘That’s a really good idea. Such a good idea. Will you be getting back to work?’
Nancy shook her head.
‘I’ve got plans.’
‘What sort of plans?’
‘In a previous life, long, long ago, I used to run a restaurant. I am thinking of doing that again. That should occupy most of my spare energy.’
Michelle’s smile now looked genuine.
‘I’m so glad. Shall we join the others? You need to try one of my mince pies.’
Almost as soon as the two of them had entered the living room, there was another knock at the door. Felix opened it, and Harry and Olga came in. Olga ran across and embraced Nancy. She smelt of sour milk and her body was bony and sharp, but she was the only person Nancy was glad to see.
‘We were happy to hear that you were back,’ Olga said. ‘It must have been so distressing.’
‘It wasn’t great,’ Nancy said.
‘I can’t imagine it,’ said Olga.
‘I hope you’ll never have to find out. Where’s Lydia?’
‘Harry’s mother’s staying with us and we’ve got an evening without looking after her. I feel like I’ve been let out of prison. And look.’ Nancy saw that Olga was holding a small paper bag. ‘Mince pies. Because it’s almost Christmas. They’re from the delicatessen down the road. They’re really good.’
‘That’s very kind.’
Olga asked for a plate for the mince pies and then gave a yelp of horror when she saw the ones that Michelle had brought and started apologising.
‘Don’t be silly,’ said Michelle. ‘Yours look wonderful.’
While the others were talking and laughing, Nancy sat on her own to one side. She just wanted some quiet. She wanted to sleep. She saw that Harry had sat down next to her. He was holding two mugs of tea and he placed them on the small table in front of them.
‘It’s good to see you back,’ he said stiffly, not meeting her eyes.
‘Michelle told me that you helped with having me sectioned,’ she said, coldly. ‘I suppose I should thank you for that.’
He flushed crimson.
‘That’s not true,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why she would say that.’
‘Nor do I.’
‘Look.’ He was speaking urgently now, leaning towards her. ‘She said that you had made an explicit physical threat, and she asked me what she should do. I said that in the last resort, someone who is a risk to others or themselves might have to be sectioned. That was as far as it went.’
‘Right.’
‘You might not believe me but it’s true.’
Nancy looked from him to the group of people at the other side of the room. Felix was watching her. She turned back to Harry.
‘I do believe you,’ she said gently. ‘And in fact, I’m grateful to everyone.’
‘Grateful?’
‘I was not in my right mind. I needed to be helped and I do understand how that was hard for everyone. Especially Michelle. And Felix of course. It’s been particularly awful for him. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay him.’
She smiled across at Felix and he smiled back.
‘I’m glad you see it like that,’ said Harry.
‘I do.’
She stood up. Everyone was looking at her.
Three days, she thought. Three more days.