Mind if we go for a walk?”
Mark nodded and signaled for their waitress. He settled the bill quickly, brushing off Anna’s attempts to pay for her share, and stood, understanding now what Anna meant when she said she couldn’t eat when she was upset. Weeks, if not years, had built up to whatever she was about to say to him, and he had a bad feeling it went beyond the way he’d broken her heart. Anna walked slowly, her face pensive, carefully stepping over puddles. She motioned to a wrought iron bench tucked beneath the awning of a flower shop that had already closed for the day. “Let’s sit here.”
He noticed she was trembling as she brushed water from the seat and sat down. He sat beside her, tenting his elbows on his knees, watching as she pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“I’ve been thinking about last night,” she started. “Seeing you with Cassie… it upset me, but not for the reasons you think. After you broke up with me, I was… crushed.” She glanced at him, her big blue eyes searching his, and shame tore through him, gripping him square in the chest. “I thought we had a plan. I thought you would graduate and work somewhere near the college, and then I would graduate a year later, and we’d finally open our restaurant. I pictured us in the kitchen, cooking side by side, just like—”
“Just like these past few weeks?” He tipped his head at her, catching her sad smile. “Yeah, I thought that, too.” Then he had to go and ruin it.
“Something I thought I read more into than there ever was. It’s not like you ever told me you loved me or anything.”
He gritted his teeth. He had only said it when she couldn’t hear, when he could take it all back and pretend the words had never slipped. He’d loved his father after all, and that hadn’t stopped him from disappearing without so much as a glance back. They were just words. Three stupid words. But damn it if he didn’t feel them every time he looked at her, every time he saw that smile, heard that laugh, saw those beautiful blue eyes light up.
“It was real.”
“I think the hardest part for me about everything was losing your friendship. That feeling that I could always count on you and that it didn’t matter which girl you were flirting with because you were always there for me.” Her voice was so small, nearly lost in the breeze that tore down the street. “Then we dated and… I became one of them.”
He looked at her sharply. “You were different.”
Her hair rustled in the wind, and she tucked it behind her ear, gripping her hands in her lap. “I felt like I could tell you anything, you know? Like what we had was solid. Special.”
Guilt stirred his stomach. She’d been honest with him, open and willing, while he’d had a wall up all along. She hadn’t stood a chance. He hadn’t given her one.
“After… after things ended, I didn’t know who to turn to anymore. Who to share all those little parts of my day with. My sisters were busy with their own lives. You were the person I knew best at school. When you were gone, there was no one left, no one to tell…”
“Tell what?”
Tears shone in her eyes, and she blinked quickly. “I’m sorry, Mark.” Her chin began to tremble as the tears fell down her cheeks, and she clasped her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob.
Mark’s gut tightened. “What are you trying to tell me?”
Her eyes locked with his, big and bright and searching, and he felt the air stall in his lungs. He wanted to freeze this moment, capture it forever, because something told him that in the next second, everything between them was about to change.
“I was pregnant, Mark.”
Was pregnant. Was. The word punched him in the gut, stealing his air. He almost didn’t trust himself to speak. “What do you mean?”
She shook her head, running a shaking hand over her face. “I was pregnant with your—our—child.”
He closed his eyes, waiting for his pulse to slow, but his mind wouldn’t turn off. Anna had been pregnant. What had happened to the baby?
Anna dragged in a breath and shifted on the seat, hunching forward, eyes focused on the gravel under her feet. The tears continued to fall, steadily tracing their way down her cheeks, dripping off the edge of her nose.
“The day I saw you with Cassie. The day you dumped me.” Mark winced on the word. It was appropriate, even if he didn’t want to hear it. “I was coming to tell you.”
“And you didn’t get the chance.” He ground his teeth, exhaling slowly, wishing he could turn back time and recapture that moment. She’d looked so eager as she’d come around the corner, a hesitant but hopeful smile curving her lips as they locked eyes. She’d raised her hand to wave, halting when she saw Cassie. He wanted to call out to her, but instead he’d planted himself to the ground, forcing his eyes back to Cassie, seeing his chance to get out, to put an end to anxiety that had been gnawing at him all summer, always there, a shadow on their time together. It was callous, cold, downright cruel in retrospect to flirt with Cassie in front of her like that, but it was the easiest way to ensure that Anna didn’t fight for them, that she didn’t give him a reason to continue on, even though he wished he could. God, he wished she could.
“You took me to that coffee shop, and I knew you were going to break up with me. It didn’t make sense to tell you then, so… I just went home.”
He remembered the tears in her eyes, the way he had to clench a fist under the table to keep from reaching out and wiping away the tears that fell. He’d tried to downplay it, tried to tell her she’d move on, find someone else, that he wasn’t the guy for her, not in the long run. She’d barely said a word. From that day on, she fell silent.
And all this time, all these years, she had kept this to herself. Their child. He never knew.
“What happened?”
She turned over her palms. “I had a miscarriage.”
Relief coursed through him, quickly replaced with a wash of sadness. “I didn’t know if—”
She turned to him sharply. “I couldn’t do that. I mean, I considered it, but no. I… loved that baby. Just like… I loved you.”
Mark ran a hand over his mouth, hating himself.
“That night, I came home and took a second test, just to see if the first one had been an error. I waited, and I hoped and I prayed and I cried that it would negative. Some horrible mistake.” She shook her head. “I knew I should tell you, but I didn’t know how. You rejected me, Mark. I couldn’t stand the thought of you rejecting the baby too.”
That was the man she saw him as, and maybe it was even the kind of man he was, but it sure as hell wasn’t the man he wanted to be. That was his father. Not him. “I would never turn my back on my child,” Mark nearly spat.
Anna’s eyes snapped in surprise and she shifted backward, flinching. “I was afraid of this. You’re mad.”
“Mad?” He knew anger. He knew disappointment. This was something altogether different. Grief, he realized, for a child he’d never known, for a life he’d thrown away. For a person he’d let down when she needed him the most.
An image of his mother, lying in that bed, with his father nowhere in sight, flashed bold and bright. He closed his eyes tight, just for a second. Just until it was gone.
He reached out and took her hand, giving her a reassuring smile when she gave him a hesitant glance. “I’m not mad.”
She looked skeptical. “I should have told you. I kept thinking there was time. I’d figure out a way. Then it was too late.”
He pictured her alone, leaving as she did that day from the coffee shop, her shoulders drooped, tears welling in her big blue eyes, knowing all the time that she was carrying his child.
“I wish you had told me,” he said, and her frown deepened. He gave her fingers a squeeze, leaned in to brush a tear from her cheek. “I wish I could have been there for you. I’m here now, Anna.”
Anna tried to blink back the tears but they flowed freely, down her cheeks, salting her lips and blinding her vision. She hadn’t let herself cry since the night that she’d lost the baby.
“I wish I could have been there for you,” Mark said. “I wish…”
I wish, I wish. How many times had she said the same thing to herself? How many times did she replay those two weeks after she discovered she was pregnant? The worry that plagued her as she went over it again and again, wondering what to do. So many times she thought to tell him, but all it took was another sighting of him with Cassie to send her running back to her dorm, putting it off for another day. She forced herself to eat, but she stopped sleeping. She started spending more and more time in the kitchen, working long into the night, testing recipes, honing her skills. She dropped off the food at the local soup kitchen; there was no way she could stomach it herself. She was sick nearly every morning, and it lingered into the afternoon. She knew she should call someone—one of her sisters, her parents, her friends—but they would tell Mark, and he was gone.
And just like that the baby was, too.
“I feel so guilty,” she whispered, the words escaping her in a rush. There. It was out.
“You feel guilty?” Mark leaned in, brushing another tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb, pushing the hair from her face, trying to get her to look him in the eye. She couldn’t. Not after what she’d done. “Anna, I failed you—”
“No.” She turned to him sharply. “I failed. I failed our baby. I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t eat or sleep…”
Understanding flattened his eyes. He jutted his lower lip, nodding sadly. “Because you were upset. Because of me.”
She could neither confirm or deny it. She’d been upset, scared to the bone. They had a plan—a plan to graduate and open a restaurant. A breakup had never been part of that plan. Neither had a baby.
“I’m sorry, Mark.”
“No.” His voice was insistent, but gentle. She stiffened as he leaned in closer, clasping his other hand around hers. “I’m sorry, Anna. For everything. I ran; I shut you out. All my life, I’ve lived with what my father did to me. I thought I could prevent it, protect myself from that type of pain by never getting close and ending things before they could even begin. I was wrong.”
He was telling her what she wanted to hear, but she knew he meant every word. Her chest ached for the two people they once were. For a friendship that had been made and lost. For laughter that had turned to years of silence.
“It wasn’t your fault you lost the baby,” he insisted, but she shook her head, unable to shed the weight she’d carried for so long. “I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so sorry.”
Ever so lightly, his lips were on her cheeks, kissing the wet stains of her tears. He released her hands, wrapping his hands around her waist, pulling her close to the hard wall of his chest. She wanted to resist him, to push him, to beat on his chest for what he’d done to her, the horrible, awful position he’d left her in, but the fight was gone. The walls had come down, and everything she’d been holding inside her all this time was finally released.
She curled into his chest, letting the heat of his body envelop her. He stroked her hair, whispering into her ear, saying the words she’d longed to hear—words she hadn’t thought she ever would. Not from him. Not after this.
His lips skimmed hers softly, and she parted her mouth, lacing her tongue with his, finding warmth in his touch. He kissed her slowly, stroking her face, and held her close when they finally broke free.
“You’re cold. Let’s go inside.” He took his hand as they stood, leading her the short distance back to the hotel in silence. It was Saturday night, and Cedar Valley Village was alive and bustling; couples walked hand in hand in search of a romantic restaurant, and a few teams of chefs she recognized from the contest strolled down the path. The hotel was lit with glittering lights: a beacon against the stark, dark mountain range towering above them. Inside, the hotel lobby was quiet and relaxed, and they retraced their steps to the elevator. Anna pressed the button for her floor, and Mark made no signs of doing the same for his.
They’d learned to communicate without words, and she was grateful for the understanding. She wasn’t ready to be alone right now. Too many thoughts and memories had come to the surface. She’d tried to distance herself from them, but now there was nowhere to hide. The only person who could understand, the only one who stood a chance at making any of it better, was at her side.
Anna slid her keycard in her door and flicked on the light. An audible gasp released from her lips when she took in the sight.
The king-sized bed she’d slept in last night had been made, but covering its crisp white duvet were dozens upon dozens of red rose petals. On the table near the window, where the damask curtains had been drawn for privacy, was a silver-plated bucket containing what appeared to be a bottle of champagne. The expensive kind. Next to it was a platter of strawberries, and two crystal flutes, at the base of which sat a single long-stemmed rose.
Anna froze, her eyes darting from one object to the next. They were in the wrong room. But no—wait. They weren’t. There was that silly bottle of massage oil on the nightstand—she could have sworn she’d set it on the bathroom counter after she’d fished it from her handbag yesterday…
Rosemary.
“It wasn’t me!” she blurted, whirling around to Mark, who stood behind her, his hand still on the doorknob, his jaw slack.
Mark frowned and stepped deeper into the room. He picked up a rose petal, studying it with curiosity, and let it fall. It danced through the air before quietly drifting back in place.
Anna marched to the table, lifting the lid on a metal pot. Chocolate fondue. She thought she’d smelled something!
Her pulse began to hammer, and her face flamed with heat. She blinked, looking around the room in dismay, until she spotted Mark out of the corner of her eye. He was laughing.
“They must have made a mistake! They must have sent it to the wrong room.”
“Or someone sent it up…” Mark grinned.
“No,” he replied, and the heat in her cheeks rose a degree. “But since it’s here… we may as well enjoy it.”
“Oh.” She looked at the champagne, wondering if she should uncork it or let him do the honors, but when she turned back to ask, the look in his eye told her he wasn’t talking about the chocolate-covered strawberries. No, he was thinking of that ridiculous bowl of condoms basking in the glow of the bedside lamp.
He closed the distance between them, setting his hands on her waist, blinking as he leaned into her, pulling her close against the hard wall of his chest. She breathed in his scent, the familiar strength of his body, as he kissed her neck, circling his tongue on her earlobe, tracing his finger down the arch of her neck.
Her body warmed quickly with the heat of his, and she waited with growing need for his lips to move to her mouth. She craned her neck, inhaling the musk of his skin, until his lips again found her earlobe and he began nibbling, softly at first and then slightly harder, letting his teeth take hold of her soft flesh. His cheek brushed hers as his mouth moved to hers, and his hands slid over her hips, and lower. She sighed into him as his tongue probed deeper, sending a rush of heat coursing through her.
Without breaking their kiss, he moved her toward the bed, lowering himself on top of her. She arched her back as he slid her shirt over her head, bending to trace the curve of her neck with kisses, sending a ripple of pleasure down her spine. He breathed into her ear, nipping at her lobe, and she raked her hand through his hair, feeling the heavy weight of his body on hers, reaching under his shirt to feel the warmth of his smooth skin.
Mark slowly pulled the straps of her bra down her bare shoulders and unhooked the clasp, teasing her with his mouth, as his fingers skimmed the top of her panty line. He traced his mouth down her stomach, as he slid her skirt down her legs and shed his clothes.
She splayed her fingers over the span of his sculpted shoulders, down the curve of his biceps to the smooth plank of his chest. His skin was hot and smooth under her touch, and she held her breath as she waited for him to lower himself to her, needing to feel the strength of his body against her own.
Grazing his hands over her hips, Mark parted her legs, hovering close above her as he kissed her slowly, and then entered her with a slow thrust. She broke their kiss, gasping into his ear as he buried his face in her hair, and moved her hips to match his rhythm, enjoying the swell of him inside her.
As she reached her release, Mark muffled her cries with his mouth before lifting his head and emitting a long, low moan as he thrust once more deeply inside her. He fell heavily onto her chest and Anna lay on her back, enjoying the weight of his body on hers.
She smiled into his hair as he wrapped his arms tighter around her, feeling the burden of the past finally fade away. She stroked his back, marveling at how natural it felt to be with him again, and pushed aside the pain of their past. She’d clung to it for too many years, and for just one night, she would enjoy the present.