Wednesday, December 20
When Michael woke up in the middle of the night, Heidi was faced with a dirty diaper, and she realized she was fast running out of clean ones and had forgotten to do the washing the day before. She couldn’t believe she wasn’t using disposables. Was she really supposed to scrub those dirty diapers? After the diaper change, he had a few mouthfuls of milk and went back to sleep. Heidi crawled back into bed hoping he’d stay asleep because she’d never been able to function without at least eight hours sleep.
She went back to sleep quickly and later woke up to Molly shaking her awake. “Mamm, wake up.”
She opened her eyes and saw her two girls peering over at her. She vaguely remembered Derek saying goodbye before he left for work. “What is it?”
“It’s late. You always wake up when we get up. You said we were going to take Dat to Onkel's store and then go shopping.”
“I completely forgot. I’m sorry.” She sat up remembering that Derek said he was going in with Ben today. “We’ll have to do it another time if the buggy’s not here, but I think it might be. I’m getting up.” Heidi knew she had to leave this place. It wasn’t her home. She felt like she was being fake and she didn’t want to bluff her way through Christmas and have the stress of trying to fool everyone. All she wanted was to be herself and not have to deceive anyone. “Go and wait in the kitchen for me while I get dressed.”
The girls turned and walked out of the room. She glanced over at the crib and saw that Michael was still fast asleep. Then, as quickly as that, his legs and arms started moving—he was about to wake up. She thought back to her conversation with Janelle a couple of days ago. Perhaps Janelle was mad at her and was being silly on the phone. Heidi quickly exchanged her cotton nightgown for a dress, and brushed and braided her hair before pinning it under her kapp. If all went well, she’d call Janelle again before Michael was fully awake.
As soon as she put her foot on the bottom step, she saw the two girls in the living room. “Didn’t I say to wait in the kitchen?”
“We had an accident in the kitchen. Sorry, Mamm."
“What do you mean?”
The girls lowered their heads and Heidi hurried into the kitchen. There were broken eggs all over the floor and just about every dish from the cupboard was used and on the countertop.
She looked back at them. “What were you trying to do, exactly?”
“We were making eggs as a surprise.”
“Well, it’s a surprise all right.” She looked down at them and saw their nightgowns had smears of raw egg all over them. “Throw your nighties in the basket and get dressed while I clean up in here.”
“Sorry, Mamm. Jessica dropped the eggs.”
“I couldn’t help it. It was an accident.”
“It’s all right. You had your hearts in the right place. Go up now and get changed and do it quietly, so you don’t wake up your bruder.”
Heidi was disappointed that calling Janelle would have to wait a while now. After she had cleaned the kitchen, she went upstairs to see where her girls were. They were playing in Jessica’s room and they were still in their soiled nightgowns. Then Michael cried out. “I told you both to get changed.”
“We are.”
”Nee, you aren’t. I can’t tell you to do things twice. Once is enough. When you have clean clothes on, come down to the kitchen for your breakfast, and bring these nightgowns with you so I can wash them.” When the girls didn’t move, she raised her voice. “Do what I said. Now!”
As soon as the girls were on their feet, she hurried to get Michael. She didn’t like to hear him cry. Picking him up, she said, “There, that’s better.” She patted him on the back. “I’ll change your diaper and then you can have a nice long bottle.”
As she changed him, Jessica appeared by her side.
“Why is he crying like that?” Jessica asked.
“He’s hungry of course,” Molly answered as she joined her sister in the room, nightgowns in hand.
“I’m glad to see that you’re both dressed now. Let's all head downstairs.”
Back in the kitchen, Heidi fed Michael his bottle while the girls made toast, since they’d managed to break all the eggs.
When Michael went down for his mid-morning nap, making that phone call popped into Heidi’s mind. “You two stay in here where it’s warm because I need to make a quick phone call.”
”Jah, Mamm,” Molly said.
“Watch your bruder for me and whatever you do, don’t wake him.”
Heidi pulled on her thick black coat to shield against the cold and headed out to the shanty that housed the telephone. As soon as she dialed the number, she heard playful screaming coming from behind her. She turned around to see the girls throwing snow at one another and then Jessica fell down flat on her face, and she started crying when Molly picked up a big handful of snow and placed it on her head. Heidi had no choice but to abandon the phone call once more.
“I told you—”
Jessica stood up and then Molly picked up handfuls of snow and started in again, throwing them at Jessica. Jessica screamed again and responded by throwing handfuls of snow back. Heidi could only look on in horror as the girls grew colder in their thin dresses only meant for wearing indoors.
“Inside now, the both of you.”
Neither of them moved. Their squeals were so loud that Heidi couldn’t even be heard over the top of them.
She grabbed each girl by an arm and marched them inside and closed the door behind her. “Look at you! You’re both wringing wet. I told you to stay here and stand by Michael while I went outside.”
“Why? He can’t go anywhere. He’s just a boppli.”
“Don’t backtalk me, Molly. I’ve had enough. You’re always doing that. Both of you find dry clothes right now, and I’m going to run a hot bath.”
“It’s too cold for a bath,” Jessica said.
“It’s not too cold for a bath if you can roll around in the snow.”
“We’re going,” Molly said grabbing her younger sister by the arm.
Heidi checked Michael and saw that he was still asleep, so she headed to the bathroom and let water into the bath. Just as she had finished filling the bath, Michael started crying.
She walked by Molly’s room and saw the girls sitting on the bare floor playing with toys. “What did I tell both of you?”
“We’re doing it,” Jessica said.
“Nee you’re not. You’re playing.”
Michael started crying again, louder than before. “You’re both likely to get bad colds, and you might even get pneumonia if you don’t get in that warm bath right now.”
“It’s still filling up, I can hear it,” Molly said.
“I just turned it off.” Heidi was fast losing her patience. “Get your clothes now! And get into the bathroom, now!” Heidi was surprised when she heard herself. She hadn’t ever before had reason to scream at anybody. Sure, she felt like screaming at her staff at times, but managed not to. She deliberately lowered her voice and said firmly, “I’m going to get Michael and when I come back I want you both in that bath with your dry clothes ready.”
Molly stood. “Jah, Mamm.”
Jessica stood, too, and the two girls headed for their closets.
Heidi held her screaming baby boy. He was hungry, but she couldn’t feed him when she was trying to get her older two children into the bath. They were soaked through to the skin. She caught sight of her reflection in the glass of the living room window. It was a shock to see herself in the Amish clothing, she still wasn’t used to it. She didn’t want to stay in the community and be Amish, and suffer the constant demands of a family. Was this really her life? Just yesterday she'd thought family life ideal, and now today she was experiencing something close to torture.
“Mamm, Mamm.”
The piercing voice of her oldest daughter rang through her head.
“The tap’s dripping.”
“It’ll be fine, it just needs a little fixing. Dat can look at it later. Molly, I said to wait in the bathroom with your dry clothes. Do you have dry clothes in there?”
“I can’t find any.”
“They’re in your closet. Where else would they be?”
“There’s nothing clean. You haven’t washed this week.”
“Oh. You and your schweschder get into the bath and I’ll bring in warm clothes and then after the bath you must sit by the fire to keep warm.”
“But, Mamm.”
“Nee! I’ve had enough! I told you not to go out in the snow and now look at you. You’re dripping wet. If you don’t go now and do as I say I’ll have a lot to tell your vadder when he gets home.” She winced when she heard herself say exactly what her own mother used to say to her. When she saw the sour face on Molly, she said, “Lose your attitude and get into that bath NOW!”
Heidi heaved a sigh of relief when Molly turned and headed back up the stairs. She jiggled Michael up and down in an effort to still his cries while she headed to the kitchen to pop his bottle in the hot water to warm.
This wasn’t the life for her, it was too hard. Looking after children and changing dirty diapers was such a thankless task. She wanted to get back to her other life, but how could she when she didn’t know how she landed back into the Amish life?
She fetched the girls clean nightgowns. They had dresses hanging in their closet like she knew they had, but warm nighties would keep them nice and comfortable. When she got back to the bathroom, she was thankful to see that they were in the warm water.
Once the baby was fed and freshly diapered, and the girls were bathed, dried, dressed, and sitting by the fire, Heidi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She had to get back to New York and get back into her life there. If this had been her real life, it wouldn’t be so foreign to her. All she had to do was get back to her apartment and her life would be waiting for her.
Heidi crouched down to talk to the girls. “Girls, this time you must listen to me.”
They both turned and stared at her. “Stay in the haus and look after Michael. I need to make a quick call to someone.”
Molly nodded.
She hurried outside and ordered a taxi that would take her to the bus station. Then she hurried back into the house and pulled on her coat, ripped off her prayer kapp and threw it over the hook by the door. She could hardly go back to her old life in a kapp. Her first stop would be her office where she had a spare set of keys to her apartment.
"Where are we going, Mamm?" Molly asked when she saw Heidi her coat.
"I just called a taxi. I'm going somewhere and you’re all staying here where you belong."
"You’re going without us?" Molly stared at her in disbelief.
"You'll be all right to look after Michael and Jessica until Dat gets home, won't you, Molly?” Heidi was certain she was in a dream, so the children would be fine. After all, they didn’t really exist except in her mind. “It's only for about half an hour, and you're a big girl now."
"You can't leave us alone, Mamm. We're too little," Jessica said.
"Nonsense; you're a big girl now, too." Heidi kneeled down so she would be at eye level with both Molly and Jessica. “The thing is, Molly and Jessica, this is all just a dream. Everything's a dream, all of this. As soon as I walk out the door, you won't be here. You see, you're all in my mind." She clicked her fingers. “All this will be gone.”
Molly's eyes opened wide as she blinked at her mother. "Am I having a dream?"
"Me, not you. I’m the one having the dream and you’re all in it. You’re the kinner I would’ve had if I’d married Derek." She stood up and turned around in a circle. "None of this is real. I need to go back to my real life, and since it hasn’t come back to me, I must go back to it."
"Can’t we go too?" Jessica asked.
"Don't you see? Don't you both see? None of this is real. You belong here and I belong elsewhere." She stared at her two children who were looking up at her with scrunched faces trying to understand what she was talking about. She crouched down once more thinking what to say. Her best chance of waking up was to find her way back in her dream—find her way back to New York and back to civilization.
"You're scaring me, Mamm," Molly said.
When Jessica started to cry, Heidi knew she was stuck there. She couldn’t leave these children alone even if they were in her dream and giving her grief.
When the taxi pulled up, she walked outside to send it away. She opened the passenger side door. “I’m sorry but there’s been some mistake.”
“What do you mean?”
“The taxi was ordered by mistake and we don’t need it.”
The driver muttered something under his breath.
“Wait. I’ll get you some money for your trouble.” She figured there had to be some money somewhere in the house. Maybe some kind of housekeeping money, and Molly would know where it was kept.
“Don’t bother, lady. I’m never coming back out this way to you people again.” He reversed down the driveway.
She headed inside, desperately hoping the children wouldn't say anything to Derek. He was worried enough about her as it was.