Sunday, December 24
Heidi woke to the sound of her alarm. She sat bolt upright, devastated. She was in her cold and unfriendly apartment. It was a place she’d once loved dearly, but now the white marble and the Italian tiles made it cold and unfriendly compared with her house filled with love, warmth, and joy.
The diary hadn’t taken her back. What if she never saw Derek and the children again? Tears streamed down her face.
She stared at the diary lying halfway under the sheet. Why didn’t it work this time?
Maybe it had been just a coincidence that the two times she’d been reading it she’d crossed from one dimension into the other. Her stomach churned and she blamed herself for leaving Derek all those years ago. And for what? She’d been chasing a stupid whim and then got caught up in money-making greed and pride in her accomplishments.
Now she knew that the most precious things couldn’t be bought with money. Everyone always said money couldn’t buy happiness, but it had certainly bought her a two-million-dollar apartment. Her apartment was just an object. Yes, it represented all the hard work she’d put in over the years, but she lived in it alone.
Now it wasn’t enough for her and she’d gladly give it all away to be back with Derek in their humble home. She felt ashamed that in the past, she’d been too mindful of what others thought of her and that’s why she’d never told anyone she’d been Amish.
Before she got out of bed and got back on the treadmill of the everyday familiar routine, she prayed that her life wouldn’t always be so wretched.
After she dressed, it was off to the coffee shop for breakfast. Then it would be on to an early appointment before she headed to her office.
Today she had to make some changes. She’d change small things at first. Instead of going home to a lonely TV dinner, she would have dinner out by herself. Wanting to feel close to home, and find out the rest of her grandmother’s story, she shoved Agnes’s diary into her carry-all bag.
Heidi headed out of her building, relieved that Dennis, the temporary doorman, already had someone talking to him. She slipped out of the building without making eye-contact and walked briskly up the road to the café.
As soon as Heidi sat down at her usual booth for breakfast, she thought, Wouldn't it be fun to change things even further and take a whole year off work? She could even travel to all the places her grandmother had gone. She trembled when she realized that would mean her business wouldn’t grow while she was gone, and might even slide backward. No, she couldn’t do it. Then she realized that her business hadn’t brought her freedom, it had tied her down.
She pulled the diary out of her bag and as she flipped to the last page, a shiver ran through her. Today was Christmas Eve, and it was Christmas Eve ten years ago to the very day that she left the Amish and left Derek.
Heidi skipped to the last couple of pages and found the last place that her grandmother had visited. It was the place where the widow, Ruth Yoder, was telling her how to keep house.
This is what Ruth said to me this morning, “This is how I ran my day when I had kinner. Wake up, nurse the boppli, cook breakfast for Joseph and enjoy time with him before waking the older kinner. Then everyone had breakfast, and then Joseph went to work. I’d wash the dishes and then clean the kitchen. Then I’d make the beds and clean upstairs. Of course, the older kinner would help before they went to school. Next, I’d nurse the boppli again, put him down for a nap and then clean the living room. Then it would be a meal for the kinner, before bed. Then I’d cook the main meal I’d eat with Joseph, then I’d wash the dishes, nurse the boppli, give the boppli a bath, put him to bed, have a bath myself and then go to bed.
She tapped a finger on her chin. "I don’t think I’ve left anything out.”
“Washing the clothes?” I asked.
“Ah, that’s done one day a week, rain or sunshine.”
I found it odd she’d tell me how she ran her household, but still, she was only trying to help me. Surely the daily duties would depend on how many children are in the family. No two households would run the same, I’m sure. Maybe Mamm sent me to the place she knew I’d least like before I came home, just so I would miss everyone more. Although she's very nice, I don’t feel the connection with Ruth that I’ve felt with the other women with whom I’ve stayed.
Heidi skipped some pages. If her grandmother didn’t enjoy the place, she didn’t feel like reading about it. Not today.
I’m home now and I’m on the last couple of pages of my diary. I’ve missed seeing Malachi and now I know that I could be interested in marrying him if he feels the same about me. We’ve never had a conversation about it, so I wouldn’t know. We seem to get along well together and I like being with him. He makes me feel good. We have a few people coming for the evening meal tomorrow night and I’m hoping Malachi will be one of them. I’ve heard he’s back. I feel nervous about seeing him again.
My parents were right to send me away. I feel I’ve grown up into a woman. If they hadn’t sent me away, I don’t know what would’ve happened. I’ve seen all those different communities with different ideas on things. It was good to see how other people lived.
To sum it all up, I’ve thought about all the people and places I’ve visited. I’ve zigzagged across the countryside and met so many nice people. I was sad that Vida from Morgantown died, but I met lovely people at Morgantown and will continue writing to Becky, the daughter of the bishop in the community at Morgantown where I stayed. She’s a little younger than I am and we got along really well.
I can close my eyes and say a prayer for everybody, even Sally Anne. I never want to leave home. I’m sure Furball missed me too.
When I walked back into the room for the first time since I went away, he put his head up and looked directly at me. I’m sure his eyes said, ‘Don’t go away again!’ Normally, he just stays asleep whenever I walk into my bedroom.
I hope someday my kinner, if I have them, and maybe even my grosskinner will be interested in my travels and what I’ve written here.
I have one page left, so to whoever is reading this, these are my hopes. I hope to be able to live happily on my own, as Elizabeth did, if I ever have to. I hope to be joyful as Leah is, and be able to laugh at everything just as she does.
And, there’s one more thing. I will be grateful for every day because we do not know what tomorrow might bring. Tomorrow is not guaranteed; we only have today. We can plan for our future but it is Gott who decides what will be. We can’t know what He has in store.
Time was getting away from her and Heidi closed the book. “I wish I remembered you, Mammi,” Heidi whispered as she closed the diary. “More than anything, I want to know if you married Malachi. I don’t think you did because my last name is King and if you married Malachi, my last name would be whatever Malachi’s last name was. I can’t remember what it was, but I know it wasn’t King. Oh yes, Arnold, I think it was. That’s an unusual name. Hmm. Unless you married twice, but that’s not likely.”
Maybe she could write to Maize Yoder. Maize was interested in history and kept a lot of the genealogical records of the area where she’d grown up. That way, she would avoid contacting her mother. She just had to know what became of Agnes when Agnes arrived back home.
Then it was back to business for Heidi. Even though it was a Sunday, she had an appointment. Just one, but it was still important. She had a meeting with a realtor to see an office space on the opposite side of the city. Even though she wasn’t quite ready to expand the business, if the office space was ideal, she could be tempted to jump in.
As Heidi drained the last of her coffee, she looked at her wristwatch to see she was running late. That would not do. She was always on time for her appointments, and with the traffic the way it was, that wasn’t always easy. Heidi slid out of the booth, grabbed her bag and coat, and headed out of the café.
As she stepped onto the sidewalk and looked up the road for a taxi, the rain poured down. Normally she loved the rain, but now it made her miserable. Her business felt like a millstone around her neck rather than a ticket to freedom.
Instead of feeling blue, she told herself, I should be congratulating myself on how much money I made this year. I can buy anything I want and not worry about budgeting or saving for it.
As she huddled under the awning of the café to keep out of the rain, she knew she had nothing to look forward to in the new year except more of the same. She wanted to be back with the children and teach them things about life. If she ever crossed back to her other life, she’d be able to tell them all about her grandmother and her travels. She’d also demonstrate all the recipes and all the special hints and tips out of Agnes’s book. Now shivering in the cold, she wanted to be back with her family where she belonged.
A cold gust of wind came out of nowhere causing her teeth to chatter. If only she’d worn long pants rather than a skirt. She pulled her warm coat around her and then saw a taxi. It was traveling in the opposite direction, but it suddenly stopped. It was too good an opportunity to miss. With a quick look for traffic, she sprinted across the road. Before she reached the taxi, someone stole it and it had already zoomed away. Not wanting to arrive at her appointment wringing wet, she stepped back under another awning to keep dry. Then it occurred to her she might have put her foldup umbrella in her carryall bag. As she rummaged through her bag, she noticed the diary wasn’t there.
I left it in the café.
Looking up at the café now directly across the road, she hoped one of the workers had found the book and put it aside. No longer did she care about her appointment; the diary was more important right now.
As she dashed to get the diary, she heard someone scream, “Stop! Look out!”
Then the sound of screeching brakes rang through the air and Heidi whipped her head around to see a car heading for her. She froze; it was too late to move. Everything went black.
In the recesses of her fuzzy mind, she heard someone scream about calling 911, but they seemed a million miles away. The next thing she remembered was an image of someone leaning over her in a white coat. There were bright lights behind him. She opened her eyes again and saw a face covered in a mask, and many muffled voices filled the background of her mind.
Was she dying? Was this the end? She didn’t want to die, not yet. I need Derek, I need to see him just one more time. Derek!
“Wake up, Heidi. Wake up. I’m right here.”
Heidi opened her eyes when she heard Derek’s deep voice. It was he. She had to blink a couple of times because the light was blinding. She looked down at herself and saw she was sitting up in a seat and clutching Agnes’s book to herself.
She looked at Derek and watched his mouth open and close as he said, “You’ll miss your bus. They’re calling it now.”