Jayce suffered through the rest of the night, and by the time he got to his room he was miserable. He wouldn’t see Evelyn again before he left on Tuesday, and it was obviously best that way. She was heavy on his heart, though, and it didn’t help that just breathing the air in his room caused him to think about her. It was as if someone had planted an invisible field of lavender in his room. The aroma was pleasant, like Evelyn’s soap, or shampoo, or whatever she used that made her smell so good.
Everyone had been right. Buying a farm and living in a place like Montgomery would be too much of a stretch, too different from everything he knew. He decided to go outside for some fresh air. As he sat on the inn’s porch, some of the crew filed inside and others went to the motor homes.
He could talk to Veronica, but she would be celebrating with her friends, and a boozed-up conversation didn’t sound appealing. When the screen door slammed, Rose stood on the porch.
“I heard everyone talking when they came inside. They said the evening was a big success. I hate that I missed it. I’m sure the food was gut. But I just didn’t feel right about attending such a lavish event. And we aren’t really supposed to watch movies or television. Did Evelyn go? I was surprised Esther and Lizzie went, but I guess it’s because they’ve known Gus for so long. And . . .”
She kept going, but Jayce didn’t hear any more. He couldn’t take Rose’s ramblings right now.
“I gotta go,” he said as he forced a smile and hurried down the steps.
He paused at Veronica’s motor home. There was enough booze inside to numb his pain for a while, but he’d walked away from all that. The music got louder inside, and between that and the generators and his spinning mind, his head felt like it would explode. He sprang forward and ran toward the cottage.
“You gotta let me sleep on your couch.” Jayce pushed past Gus after the old man opened his door. He’d already changed into jeans and a ragged red T-shirt. “I need to be away from everyone. My father will be celebrating at the inn, and the others will be partying it up in the motor homes, and that Rose is a sweet woman, but I can’t deal with her right now.” He fell on Gus’s couch and crossed his arms over his forehead. He didn’t move until Gus poked his arm. The guy stood over him looking like he wanted to squash him.
“Kid, you ain’t staying here. Get up”—Gus pointed to the door—“and get out.”
Jayce rolled off the couch and stood, his fists clenched at his sides. Unlike Gus, Jayce was still in his dress clothes, his white shirt untucked atop black slacks. “You know, tonight you showed a side of yourself I hadn’t seen before. You were humble and dignified. Why can’t you act that way all the time?” He threw his arms in the air. “I don’t have anyone. Don’t you understand? My father wasn’t himself tonight either. I want to believe he’s noble and all that, but it’s like the world fell off its axis, and everything feels strange.”
Jayce wasn’t sure when he’d started yelling, but anger and hurt had billowed up inside him as if they’d been stashed there for years. “I came to you for a place to lay my head for one night!” He threw his arms in the air. “But it’s your house. I barged in.” He dropped his arms, shook his head, and started toward the door. “Forget it. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”
“Oh, quit being so dramatic,” Gus said as Jayce reached the door. “Fine, sleep on the couch if you want.”
“No.” Jayce grabbed the doorknob. He was trembling mad, so he just held his position and lowered his head. Then he felt a hand on his arm.
“Esther brought a chocolate pie over earlier today. I don’t share my pies with anyone. But since you’re being such a baby, you might as well stay and have some.”
Jayce blinked back his tears and turned around. He wanted to punch the guy. Or hug him. Neither seemed appropriate, so he just nodded before walking back to the couch and sitting down again.
Gus came over and stood in front of him, nostrils flaring. “Geez, kid. You need to get a grip.” He went around a counter into the kitchen area that wasn’t even in a separate room. He brought a pie, three plates, and two forks to the coffee table, then went back around the counter and returned with a can of cat food, which he dumped on one of the plates.
“My floozy of a cat can’t seem to get enough to eat.” He set the plate on the floor near the definitely pregnant cat. “Here. Eat,” he said as the animal gobbled up the food.
Gus sat on his corner of the couch and looked at Jayce. “Go ahead. Eat up.” He waved toward the pie. “Esther makes the best chocolate pie ever. I’ll reprimand myself later for sharing it with you, but you’re a mess right now.”
Jayce wasn’t hungry, but he slid a slice of pie onto his place, then took a small bite.
“It’s like medicine. Trust me.” Gus crossed an ankle over his knee. “There ain’t nothing Esther’s chocolate pie can’t fix.”
After two or three bites, Jayce thought Gus might be right. “Congratulations, by the way,” he finally said. “I hope my dad paid you.”
Gus cleared his throat. “He did.”
Jayce wondered how much, but Gus wouldn’t know if it was a fair wage or not. He didn’t seem all that interested in money anyway, based on the way he lived.
“If I had to guess, I’d say this is about the Amish girl and the fact that you’re leaving Tuesday. I told you so.” Gus reached for the pie and got himself a huge slice.
“You know, Gus, right now I don’t need anyone telling me I told you so.”
“And I don’t need to be up past my bedtime with someone sleeping on my couch. But since I’m already inconvenienced, you might as well get whatever’s ailing you off your chest.” He yawned, which tempted Jayce to leave, but he reached for another slice of pie instead. Gus might not have been right about the pie being an actual cure-all, but it was at least a temporary fix.
“I messed up,” he said through a mouthful. “I want to stay, but I can’t.”
“No, you can’t.” Gus yawned again, which was starting to agitate Jayce.
“Why can’t I? I know I said it, but why are you saying it?”
“You can’t stay here cuz you ain’t got the guts to do what it would take to live here. You’d have to sell your fancy stuff, and let’s face it, kid. You’re not cut out for this kind of lifestyle.”
“How do you know? I like it here. I’ve always wanted to live on a farm or somewhere in the country. Just because my father hated it doesn’t mean it’s, like, in my DNA or something. I could make a life here. I could sell everything I own, take the money from this job, and buy a farm.”
“You just said you can’t.” Gus raised an eyebrow. “Now you say you can. In less than two minutes you’ve flip-flopped. You don’t know what you want. Go home on Tuesday with the rest of them.”
“I think I’ll stay.” Jayce was shaking again, and the pie wasn’t feeling like medication anymore.
“Then stay.” Gus picked at a scab on his lower leg, which caused Jayce to want to hurl.
“Do you have to do that?” Jayce set his plate on the coffee table, forcing aside the empty glasses, cups, and newspapers.
“It’s my house.” He picked even more. “I know there’s a tick burrowed in there.” Glancing at Jayce, he grinned. “Hazards of country life. You up for that, kid?”
Jayce leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes.
Gus finally lowered his leg and stopped messing with the sore. “Here’s the way I see it. You think you’re in love with the Amish girl. You think you’d like to live on a farm. You think you’d like to get away from your father. You think all your problems will be solved if you make these radical changes to your life.”
Jayce looked at him and waited.
“But you’d just be running away and toward something unfamiliar that might not work out.” He shrugged. “Or it might be the best thing you’ve ever done.” He laughed. “Although, I don’t see you becoming Amish.”
Jayce wasn’t sure about that part, but he could imagine the rest. “Out of everything you said, you’re right about one thing. I care a lot about Evelyn, and I don’t know how that happened or how I let it happen.”
“Yep. Women. They’re at the core of all our problems.” Gus shook his head.
Jayce decided to turn the tables. “How did it go with your daughter tonight?”
Gus shrugged. “She was pleasant enough. I’m sure she was just there to see if there was any money in it for her. I thought only you millennials felt that sense of entitlement, that life owes you something, but apparently my fiftysomething daughter falls into that category too.”
“Did you give her the money my dad gave you?”
“Of course.”
Jayce huffed. “Why, if you know she was only there for that?”
Gus stood and slowly started to the bedroom. “Because, trust me, kid. I did owe it to her. I wasn’t a good father.”
Jayce wished he could see Gus’s face. There was such regret in the statement.
“Well, I wish you’d been my father.” Jayce loved his dad, but he couldn’t recall ever having a decent conversation with him, and especially not one like he was having now with this grumpy old guy.
Gus stopped, and Jayce waited for him to turn around. He didn’t. All he said was, “You’ll be okay, kid.” Then he closed the door to his bedroom.
Jayce ate more pie.
* * *
Evelyn was brushing Millie in the barn when she heard a buggy pulling into the driveway Saturday morning. Her brothers were off with their girlfriends somewhere, and her parents were in town at the lumberyard. She wasn’t in a hurry to see who it was. Any visitors would surely notice her swollen eyes from crying all night, and she wasn’t feeling up to explanations.
“Well, we’ve kinda made a mess of things, haven’t we?”
Evelyn gasped, spun around, and locked eyes with Jayce. “What are you doing here?”
“I asked if you wanted to spend the day with me.” He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “But you didn’t really answer.” Nodding over his shoulder, he said, “Lizzie said I could take their topless spring buggy since it’s such a nice day. And her other one still smells like vanilla. I thought you might want to go for a ride.” He stared into her eyes. “If you’re feeling better.”
He took a few steps toward her, rubbed Millie’s snout, then found her eyes again. “I know why you left. And I don’t think it was because you were sick. At least, not physically.”
Evelyn hung her head before she looked back at him. “I thought it might be best to say goodbye instead of spending more time together.” She put a hand to her chest. “Despite my best efforts not to care too much for you, I do. And it’s a hopeless situation.”
He took his hands out of his pockets, folded them across his chest, and kicked at the dirt before he looked at her. “Yeah, I know. And I let my heart get involved too. I care about you way more than I should.” He paused. “So, hmm . . . What to do?”
“We haven’t known each other very long. I guess that’s to our advantage.” Evelyn brushed hair from her face but didn’t bother to tuck it beneath her prayer covering. She’d been out in the barn for a while and was sure she looked a mess.
He stepped closer to her and cupped her cheeks in his hands. “Evelyn Schrock, one thing I know for sure is that I want to kiss you.” His lips descended onto hers, and she quivered at the sweet tenderness. She melted into him as her emotions skidded and swirled. Her knees trembled as he eased away. “But we do have some issues.”
She tried to smile. “Ya, we do.”
“So, do you want to go for a ride with me on this beautiful day and figure out what we’re going to do?” His eyes pleaded with her, so she nodded. “I’m not sure there is a suitable answer, but we can try to find one.”
“I’m not sure there is either. But I think if we go somewhere to talk and pray about it, Gott will help us figure things out.”
Jayce kissed her forehead. “The power of prayer.”
She smiled, genuinely this time. “Ya. I just need to leave my parents a note.”
* * *
Jayce had already talked to God, and the Lord had responded. He knew what he needed to do. In some ways it sounded like a plan that was too far out to consider. But that was how Jayce knew he hadn’t come up with the idea on his own. God was challenging him.
He’d tossed and turned on Gus’s couch most of the night, trying to work out the best way to follow God’s lead. The Lord hadn’t given him all the answers, but He’d placed the thoughts in his mind, leaving room for free will.
“You look like a natural,” Evelyn said as Jayce guided the horse onto a side street around the corner from Evelyn’s house. He tried to pick up on any dual meaning. Did she want him to convert to the Amish faith?
As the sun rose above the midmorning clouds, Jayce tried to clear the fog from his brain. He wanted to explain his plan so she would understand his intentions without feeling any pressure. He waited until they were at the park where they’d eaten a picnic lunch. After tethering the horse, they walked to the picnic table and both sat on top of it.
“I’ve got to go home.” He rubbed his temples before he looked at her. Evelyn’s expression didn’t reveal a thing. Surely this news didn’t surprise her, but there was more to say. “I want to come back here, Evelyn, but I have to make sure I come back for the right reasons. I can’t just run away from the only lifestyle I’ve ever known without more thought. There’s a big world of alternate lifestyles that are different from mine. Just because I’m not happy where I am doesn’t mean that buying a farm in Montgomery, Indiana, is the right thing to do. I’m smart enough to know that.” He paused when she turned away from him. Gently, he touched her face, coaxing her eyes back to his.
“And I don’t know if a person can fall in love in less than three weeks. But I know that I care about you more than anyone I’ve ever known, and I want to explore what’s going on between us. I know there are risks with that. We could both end up hurting even more.” He paused again. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She nodded, her eyes glazed with emotion. “I can probably summarize it.” She stared at him long and hard. “Even if you choose to come back here, to make a different life for yourself, you could never transform yourself to be accustomed to our ways, to the Amish way of life, to our faith.”
He propped his elbows on his knees and held his head in his hands. She rested her hand on his back.
“Jayce . . .” Her voice was shaky. “It’s okay. I know in mei heart that I couldn’t go to California and live in your world, so I understand that you can’t be a part of the life I was meant to live. If you choose Montgomery as your future home, I can’t see you in a romantic way because it leads nowhere, only to heartache for both of us. The most we could hope to be is friends. So I think you have to be very careful when you decide where you make your home, that your decision isn’t based on anything to do with me.”
He lifted his head and locked eyes with her. “That was all very well said and absolutely correct.” He held her gaze. “And we can go round and round about this and bounce around the logistics, but it has everything to do with you, like it or not. That’s why I’m going to leave Tuesday. I don’t know if or when I’ll be back. But to carry on, even long distance, isn’t going to help me think straight.” He smiled. “You’re already in my head and heart way more than I ever thought possible.”
A tear trailed down her cheek, and Jayce thought his heart might crumble to pieces as he leaned into her and kissed the tear away.
“But, Evelyn Schrock, if I come back, I want the whole package. The farm. You. The Amish lifestyle. All of it. I’m just not sure now that I can do it.”
“An honest answer,” she said with a slight nod as she swiped at her eyes.
“And if you’ve hooked up with a handsome Amish guy while I’m away, I can’t fault you for that. It would be my fault for leaving you in the first place.”
* * *
Evelyn wanted to tell him that she’d wait for him forever, but forever had different meanings for different people. She had no words.
“Last night when I was tossing and turning on Gus’s couch . . .” She raised an eyebrow. “I know it seems like an unlikely place to go, but I just didn’t want to be around my dad and the others, so I camped out there.” He grinned. “Much to Gus’s horror.”
He took a deep breath. “But I kept dreaming about butterflies. It was the weirdest thing, and it took me back to our picnic and your fear of that butterfly. The dreams were so vivid that I looked online for a meaning I could relate to. I’ve heard that butterflies can be angels, spirit guides, and all kinds of messengers, but that didn’t feel right.” He took his phone from his back pants pocket, punched a few buttons, then said, “I found this, and it seems to fit where I’m at in my life, so I’ll read it to you.
“‘When you see an abundance of butterflies, you’re encouraged to pay attention to your cycles of growth. What parts of your personality and life could use a fresh start? A butterfly urges you to go after a life filled with grace and not run from a metamorphosis if your soul craves change.’” He paused, his eyes pleading with her. “So while I’m off finding myself”—he grinned—“it’s so cliché, but you know what I’m trying to say . . . Maybe if you see a butterfly, you won’t jump or be afraid, but instead try to embrace it for the message it might be offering. Or at the very least, think of me and know that I’m trying to get my head straight and in line with my heart.”
As if on cue, a butterfly landed on Jayce’s knee, and Evelyn gasped. She didn’t jump up and run. She remained still beside the man she already knew she loved. Jayce’s jaw dropped as they both stared at one of the winged creatures Evelyn had been so afraid of. Its fluttering took on a new meaning and feeling, almost sucking the honesty out of her like a syringe drawing blood from her heart.
“I’m going to take that as a gut sign and hope you’ll be back.”
As the butterfly lifted from his leg and flew away, Jayce leaned over and kissed her, passionately, and she knew his feelings for her were strong. But she also feared this would be the last time she kissed him, so she lingered in his arms as long as she could.