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Oh man. Shit everywhere!
It's like a bag of crap exploded all over the place.
With extended arms, I hold the wriggling, giggling toddler as far away from my body as I possibly can.
"You think this shit is funny, Mia. Don't you?"
"Shit," she repeats.
"No! Don't say that."
"Shit. Shit. Shit," she says with a gleam in her eye. An evil fucking gleam, if you ask me.
"You need to stop that, girl, or your mama's going to chew me out and hand me my ass for lunch."
"Ass," Mia repeats with pride.
Okay, maybe Marlena has a point about me shooting off my mouth around Mia. She's quick to repeat things, and it's like the girl delights in saying crap that's going to have her on a strict diet of soap for a month.
"Fu...dge." I say, catching myself. "Now how are we going to get all this sh...poop off of you? Huh?"
Excited, Mia rubs her hands together, further smearing the shit and rubbing it deeper into her skin. How the hell did I get stuck on operation babysit? I'd rather have latrine duty for a week than have to deal with this. It's proof I'm not the warm, fuzzy uncle Troy and Marlena want. Never pretended to be though.
Don't get me wrong. Mia's a sweet kid, and I have a soft spot for her, but not when I have to change a shitty diaper. And it happened so fast. One minute we're playing around in the living room, the next minute she disappears in her bedroom.
Five minutes later, okay maybe ten, but definitely not more than fifteen or twenty, I find her pant-less in her bedroom, scooping shit out of her diaper and bathing her toys in it. I set Mia down in the bathtub, which seems to be the safest place I can think of, clothes and all.
Now what? I told Troy I don't do diapers. I wasn't kidding.
"You stay there!" I order Mia as I turn around and wash my hands.
What do I do now? I'm not undressing the kid. It's not just that fact that she's covered in poop. It's the whole seeing her naked and having to touch her. There are laws about that when it's not your own kid. Even thinking about it just feels wrong. I'm no pedophile, but I don't think a man like me should be doing that.
"Mia, no! Now you have it all in your hair."
Alright, there's no point avoiding the obvious. I'm in over my head. I need reinforcements. Maybe Troy can sneak away for a little while to come clean her up.
I pull out my phone and call my brother.
"Everything alright?"
"No. Mia took the motherload of all craps."
"Crap. Crap. Crap!" I ignore her as she shouts.
"And?"
"And she needs her diaper changed." I leave out the part that her diaper overflowed and she's covered every visible inch of her body with shit, not to mention her clothes, her crib, and the toys she decided to dunk in a pile of it.
"Then change the fucking diaper. I'm not leaving Marlena alone to deal with this. Her father's been sedated, but now her mother is freaking out and reconsidering leaving him in the home. I don't ask for a whole hell of a lot, Jagger. But right now I need help, and there's no one but you who can give it."
"You need help? I need help! I've never changed a diaper before. I don't know what to do. And she's so little."
"Figure it out. Search for a video online."
"Fine." I end the call. I should've known better than to call Troy to begin with. I'm the last person on a long list he'd ask to watch Mia. He had to be pretty fucking desperate to ask me.
I pray my next call will have a better outcome. It goes straight to voicemail. Nice, Ma. Way to go on vacation for a month and leave me in a lurch. I search through my contacts. Noah and Lexi are in California visiting her father. Cooper and Selene are there as well. A family get-together. Great fucking timing for everyone to just up and leave.
I can't call the chick from the bar that I hooked up with the other night. "Yeah babe, I know I said I'd call and I've got no real desire to see you again, but I need help with my niece." That won’t go over well.
There's no way in hell I can call the guys. Even the ones with kids. Hell will have to freeze over and then some for them to let me live this down. There's only one person left to turn to, and I hate doing it. I'd rather eat tree bark than give Allie the satisfaction of being in a position to turn me down. She did enough of that when we first met.
Bored with finger painting poop on the side of the bathtub, Mia stands and plops down on her ass, laughing as shit spurts out from all ends of her diaper.
"Nice, Mia. Real fucking nice."
"Fuck," Mia says, getting to her feet and plopping down again. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
Just my luck, she seems to really love saying this word.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
Yeah Mia. That's right. FUCK!
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