They did make it to the actual lake the next morning. There was a golf cart parked at the cabin that they could use, but Camila thought a walk would be nice in the surprisingly temperate weather they were having. The path was a hilly climb on a dirt road. Camila was grateful for the hiking sandals Ivy had gifted her on her last birthday, after she’d made some offhanded comment about how she was “thinking of going on more hikes.” Ivy was still learning that sometimes Camila just said shit that flew into her head, and that it would fly out of her head just as fast.
By the time they made it to where the boat was tethered, Camila was covered in sweat and dirt and ready for a dip in the lake. Zach helped her onto the small vessel, and she started unpacking their big bags that contained life jackets, towels, chips and sodas.
They breezed through the lake, surrounded by rocky hills. Watching the water slice across the side of the boat felt like meditation, and Camila’s breaths deepened. She thought all that fresh air stuff was silly, but here, where there were few cars and less industry, she really did notice that the air was cleaner. Pittsburgh had made great strides in air quality since its infamous days veiled in smog, long before Camila was born, but it didn’t come close to this.
Once they’d stopped somewhere secluded, they put on their life jackets and eased down the ladder into the lake’s cool water. It took a second, but after the initial shock the water felt exquisite.
Zach’s back was turned to her, looking out across the water. She watched him be completely still, such a rarity. She had the disorienting sensation that she wasn’t awake, that she was still napping in the cabin, or that she was in a deep melatonin-gummy sleep back in her apartment, and she’d wake up and there would be no such man named Zach whose bracelet she wore on her wrist and whose smile gave her heart palpitations. The thought made her want to cry and she pinched herself, hard, as if to say, see, bitch? You’re awake. Now stop being maudlin.
Zach finally turned around and gave her that palpitation-inducing smile. “What do you think?” he asked. The naked delight in his face, the way he was almost begging for her approval of his favorite place, was so sweet.
“It’s perfect,” she said. And it was.
They floated toward each other. Camila leaned onto her back and Zach followed. Their hands met in the water, and Camila stroked his palm with her thumb before interlacing her fingers with his. Everything about this cloudy spot on a clear lake in the middle of nowhere was perfect.
Then Zach splashed her.
“Hey!” she yelped. “I was having a fucking moment over here!”
“You were about to fall asleep,” he said, unapologetic. He grinned and splashed her again.
“Ooh, now you’re in trouble,” she said.
They had a brutal splash fight that ended with Zach crying out for mercy and wrapping his arms around her, containing her wrath. She accepted his surrender and they went back to peaceful bobbing in the water, talking about everything and nothing. Zach told her stories about when he used to come here as a kid, when his parents were still together and then when they weren’t. He was peaceful, basking in the glow of nostalgia. She compared this Zach — floating carefree, bathed in sunlight — to the snapshots she had of him telling her about the sad details of his life, his tone even, his eyes unblinking.
She realized something about him. The dispassionate way he spoke about painful things was how he survived. Zach thought he was a machine that crafted the right emotions. But he was a wounded man who shut down his feelings, so much like she tried to shut down hers.
“You all right?” he asked. “You got quiet.”
“I’m wondering if I should reapply sunscreen,” she said.
He floated toward her. “That’s all?”
“Yeah, that’s all. And I’m still groggy from that nap. Hey.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, then slicked his wet hair back away from his forehead. “Thanks for bringing me here.”
He kissed the tip of her nose in response. Then he leaned back, looking at her like he was trying to figure something out. “How are you real?” he asked.
She laughed. “It’s funny. I wonder the same thing about you.”
He scooped her up under the water and smashed his mouth to hers.
“Wait, wait! I want a turn!”
“A turn doing what?”
“I want to carry you!”
He released her. “OK. I trust you won’t try to drown me.”
She wrapped one arm behind his back and one under his knees, and he curled up into a ball. They both dissolved into hysterical laughter, Camila trying to swim without use of her arms and failing miserably.
“You’re like a weightless little baby!” she cackled.
“You’re just the strongest woman on earth,” he said. “Now that you’ve infantilized me, can you put me down?”
“Boo,” she said, but obliged.
They got back to the shore and dried off. “It really is so beautiful,” Camila said. Her voice was quiet, but the silence before had been so absolute that she wondered if she’d screamed it.
“Hey,” she asked. “What would happen if I started screaming?”
“Absolutely nothing,” he said.
“No one is going to call the cops or think I’m being murdered?”
He waved vaguely at the general emptiness around them. “You might scare away some fish, maybe some crickets, but there’s probably no one for miles.”
Grinning, she faced the rocky hillside and filled her lungs with as much air as she could hold. And then, she screamed. The sound that came out of her was something she’d never heard, a decibel level she didn’t think her body was capable of reaching, ringing and echoing like a bell and going on forever. She screamed until her lungs felt wrung out, until her bellybutton was vacuumed to her spine.
She panted as the echo of her cry died out.
“How did that feel?” Zach asked.
In answer, Camila screamed again, shocking herself that it was even louder this time. For a second she worried she would rip her throat open. The rest of her body wanted in on the action, hands outstretched, skin prickling with energy. She screamed and screamed and the sound loosened the muscles under her shoulder blades, made her legs feel strong as if they were growing roots to keep the sound from carrying her away. She screamed and she wasn’t thinking about her past, about the things that pissed her the fuck off about the present, about the darkness in her she was always trying to beat back. But they were there. All of it was there and she thrust it out of herself like a demon being exorcised.
And on her next breath, she realized Zach was screaming with her. They screamed at the lake until they were breathless. Zach wrapped his arms around her from behind, and even though her ears were ringing, she could hear him clearly.
“I love you, Camila.”
With the last of her voice, she said, “I love you, too.”