It had only been three days since she’d seen Zach. Watching him roll his suitcase out of the terminal, it felt like it had been three years.
Camila didn’t care how absurd that was, or how sappy she was being. She ran out and around her car to give him the biggest hug.
“I missed you too,” he said, recovering his breath after she’d knocked it out of him. He let go of his suitcase and picked her up off the ground.
“Come on, let’s get your stuff in the trunk before the airport cops yell at me to move,” Camila said.
“Good idea.”
There were few things Camila hated more than driving to and from the airport, but it didn’t feel like a chore with Zach affectionately rubbing her thigh and telling her about the airport shenanigans he’d witnessed that day, including a celebrity sighting.
“Oh my God,” Camila said. “I always knew I liked him. I love that he flew economy. Is he as good looking in person?”
“Honestly better. He’s gotta be a vampire. That man doesn’t age.”
“Not even a second.”
“You won’t believe this other thing,” Zach said. “Chase DM’ed me on Instagram. He said we should catch up over lunch some time.”
“No shit! That’s a big step. Do you think he wants to make peace?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know where I would begin. I don’t even know what I would say.”
She thought about it. “Sometimes asking for forgiveness is less about what you say to the person and more about letting them say what they need to. I mean, there’s nuance to every cliche, but yeah. Forgiveness is more about what the other person needs, and maybe him reaching out in this small way is him saying he’s ready to ask for what he needs to find closure. So how were things with your dad?”
It took Zach a beat to answer, which didn’t surprise her. She knew their relationship was barely thawed estrangement.
“We actually had some really good talks,” Zach said. “I don’t think I knew how much resentment I’d been holding onto until I verbalized it. He wants to do better by me and Irene, and I’m wary but I also want to give him a shot. Not really because he deserves it or anything. But because I do.”
“That sounds so encouraging!” Camila said. “I’m so happy. Are you feeling good about it?”
“Yeah, I mean, I feel OK except …” he trailed off. “Well, one of his peace offerings, you could say, was a job offer.”
Confused, she asked, “What kind of job offer? Like remote work?”
“To start,” Zach said. “But he wants me to move to California.”
“Oh,” Camila said, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. “But you’re not trying to move out there, though.”
Either she was hallucinating, or Zach gulped so loudly that she heard it over the road noise. “I’m not, or at least I wasn’t, but once he told me about the position, it feels crazy to not consider it.”
There was that word again. Crazy. Just what exactly was so fucking crazy about keeping everything the same and good and not doing anything to rock the boat? Up and moving to California sounded crazy to her.
Feebly, she said, “But Irene.”
“This would be after she graduates. Which is why we have plenty of time to discuss it. I’m not even going to consider it if you wouldn’t be on board.”
“Zach, that’s an awful lot to put on me. I can’t be the deciding factor in whether you take some incredible job or not. That’s just setting me up.”
“Not at all,” Zach said. “I’m so fucking serious about you, Camila. That’s why I told you I’d stay in Pittsburgh in the first place.”
If there had been even a shoulder to pull into, she would have stopped the car because she was struggling to keep the wheel straight with her shaking. “Again, you can’t put that on me. I told you when you said that you’d stay in Pittsburgh, that I didn’t want you making plans around me. I told you I didn’t want complications. I didn’t want —” she wrestled for the word. “I didn’t want this.”
“I know. Let’s just talk about this, OK? Just let me tell you what he said, and what I’m thinking, and you can tell me what you’re thinking, and we’ll figure it out.”
“OK,” Camila said. She breathed in for four, held for four, exhaled for four, held for four. “We can discuss everything when we get to your place.”
They drove in silence until they parked in his driveway.
“What are you feeling right now?” Zach asked. “What are you looking for in the box?”
She thought it was real low of him to show how well he knew her at a time like this, when she wanted to crawl in a hole. “I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m enraged. I’m … ashamed.”
“What could you be ashamed of?” he asked.
She wasn’t going to cry. She was absolutely not going to cry.
“I’m ashamed I didn’t listen for when the other shoe was about to drop.”
She was a liar. There were the tears. Zach pulled her as close as he could over the center console. “Let’s get inside and talk about this, OK?”
“OK.”
And they did. After he’d offloaded his bags and given her a huge glass of water to chug, they sat on the couch and he told her all about his dad’s offer. The initial remote work, the amazing pay, the comprehensive benefits. He listed all the countries he could travel to, so many places that had been on his list. And it sounded good. Way too good for him to pass up.
But it didn’t sound like either of them. And it definitely didn’t sound like her.
“My life is here,” Camila said.
“I know. But there’s so much we could do. I know it would suck, but we could do long distance. You could maybe work remotely, still do sessions so you could travel with me. You’ve got your social media.”
She shook her head. “I don’t make enough money off videos to support myself just from that.”
“Well, I’d make enough money for the both of us,” Zach said. He quickly realized his mistake.
“I don’t need you to support me, Zach,” she spat out. “I know I didn’t go to a fancy school like you, or travel the world, or grow up in a fucking Victorian manor, but I’m not a gold digger or a charity case. And I’m definitely not going to be your little Real Housewife.”
“That’s not what I meant at all,” Zach said. “How could you even say that to me? How could you think that?”
“And honestly, I get the travel and all that is appealing, but there are few things I can see you enjoying less than selling hospitality furniture. The fact you’d jump at an opportunity that sounds so unlike you just feels like you don’t really know what you want.” He opened his mouth to protest, but when nothing came out, she continued. “Even if I did make bank on YouTube, I love my job. I love seeing clients. And I love living here. You know all of that. Which makes me think at least part of you sees this as a convenient out for our relationship.”
There was a part of her, receding into the background of her mind, that watched the tears well in his eyes and wanted to show compassion, wanted to remember that this was a man she loved. But that wasn’t the part of her running the show. She was in the undertow now. She couldn’t make herself worry about what he was feeling, couldn’t pull him into her lifeboat. There was only enough room for her.
“Camila. I love you. I’m not trying to run away from you.”
“But everyone does,” she said.
“Not me. I’m not running.”
“But you should,” she said. She wiped away her tears. “You need someone fun and adventurous who can pick up and jump on a plane with you on impulse, or move to California on a whim, not someone who needs a spreadsheet to plan what she has for lunch.”
“Camila, I need you.”
She held a hand up to stop him, and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “And I need someone who isn’t going to keep me guessing. I need stability.”
“How I feel about you is stable.”
“Feelings are dangerous,” she said. “I can’t rely on them.”
“How can you even say that?” he asked. “You’re a therapist!”
“It’s because I’m a therapist that I can say it. I see how feelings make people wreck their entire lives and then in a blink, they feel something completely different.”
He looked like he was ready to beg. “Camila, this isn’t even on the table for another year. Please. We can figure this out.”
She didn’t know who started the kiss or whose salty tears she was tasting. She didn’t know how the hands that had brought her so much pleasure could feel sharp as razor blades against her skin.
“I can’t,” she said, her words tripping over a sob. “I can’t wait around for a year to get my heart broken. I’m sorry. I’ve gotta go.”