CHAPTER 6
Willpower: Doing What You Really Want to Do
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
—Mohandas K. Gandhi
Imagine yourself as a four-year-old again. Your busy daily itinerary includes sandboxes, swings, and naps. When you are hungry, people prepare your meals, cut your food, and sometimes even feed it to you. When you are tired, they carry you. When your tummy hurts, they rub it for you. Life couldn’t be much better if you were the emperor of China. Yet today your parents have brought you to a room where you sit alone. Your legs swing from the oversize chair, and you take in the space, perhaps making funny faces in the two-way mirror just opposite you (on the other side of which, unbeknownst to you, are cameras and groups of observant researchers). All of a sudden the door swings open, and a kind-looking young woman (is she your new babysitter?) is holding one of life’s greatest treasures: a marshmallow. That’s right, a marshmallow… and it’s for you! What a great place! Nice people and a marshmallow—what more could a kid want?
Yes! Two marshmallows! It gets even better, for as the visitor places the hunk of pillowy goodness in front of you, she says that you will get another one—that’s right, a second marshmallow, if you don’t eat the first one until she comes back—that is, you can either eat the one in front of you right now or you can double your sweet pleasure if you can wait for her to return.
This is precisely the study that Stanford-based psychologist Walter Mischel began over fifty years ago. His astounding findings would change the way that we look at willpower.
The kids who were able to delay gratification and wait for the second marshmallow grew up to have higher GPAs and SAT scores (as well as GREs and GMATs) and reach higher educational levels. They used risky drugs less frequently and were far more physically fit than the study participants who couldn’t resist the first marshmallow. The first group also thought ahead more, planned more, and were better able to pursue their goals. They became more resilient, self-reliant, confident; they handled stress more effectively and were more successful at maintaining close relationships. They made more money, too. Brain scans confirmed these benefits, showing that the part of their brains used for effective problem solving, creative thinking, and controlling impulsive behavior was more active. Oh, and they had lower rates of felony and misdemeanor charges.
Imagine the next four years with these advantages. It’s almost not fair.
So this cute kiddo? He is now Mark Zuckerberg.
And this one? She’s behind bars for 25 to 30.
(Okay, we jest. Hey, they well may be after all, but we can’t confirm—or deny—that at this point.)
Now, of course this is great if you were a four-year-old marshmallow-waiting champion—but what if you (like 70 percent of the kids in the study) weren’t? Are you destined to spend the rest of your days eating the dust of your more self-regulated contemporaries? Doomed to lower GPAs, less confidence and happiness, and a virtual carousel of failed relationships—and bound for the state penitentiary?
Fortunately, there is hope for you (and us) after all. Remember, these were four-year-olds, not masters of the universe. The kids’ secrets and strategies for success are not hard to crack and are more than readily learnable.
Willpower is essential to thriving in life. If you want to have a successful college experience—in terms of grades, roommates, dating, friends, health (mental and physical), and happiness (to name a few), willpower is key.
Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal defines willpower as “the ability to do what matters most, even when it’s difficult or when some part of you doesn’t want to.” If this sounds familiar, it’s because you most likely would not have gotten into (or stayed in) college without it. Have you ever hit the books when hanging out was more tempting? Willpower. Hit the sack when Xbox, Netflix, or Instagram was just a click away? Willpower. How about skipped a party because you had a game or exam the next day? Done any number of things because you knew they were “right” rather than “fun”? You know what’s coming… willpower.
College will test your willpower in ways you haven’t even imagined. In terms both of temptations and of potential rewards, it’s the major leagues, the big enchilada, the Super Bowl, and the finals of American Ninja Warrior all rolled into one. Rather than simply a baby step from what you had to deal with in high school, let’s call it what it really is—a quantum leap.
In high school you may have been tempted to party on the weekends. (College: the 24/7 party zone.) To hook up if you had a place to yourself, if you could find someone. (College: the smorgasbord of opportune sexuality and private space.) To binge-watch/game-play/text—until your mom made you hand over your phone. (College: where any and all media are yours—for as long as you like—ooohhh, and check this out… did you know that a guy in South Korea died after playing fifty-seven straight hours of video games?) To sneak a fourth late-night slice of pizza from the fridge. (College: where the cafeteria has all-day make-’em-yourself waffle and soft-serve stations! Right. Next. To. Each. Other.) Even those temptations that you will “never” succumb to are lurking, ready to pounce: 40 percent of college students either began smoking or became regular smokers after arriving on campus. Binge drinking shoots through the roof—its frequency in college is a tremendous predictor of major issues with alcohol in later years—and willpower is what you need to keep it in check. It’s not just the easy availability of enticements—good and bad—that test your willpower in college, but the sheer variety as well—every shape, size, color, flavor, texture, and potency as far as the eye can see and in every possible direction. “Just say no” just got a whole lot harder than it ever was before you left home.
Now that you’ve been stripped of the familiar day-to-day structure once provided by high school, teachers, family, close pals, sports, clubs, and anything else you were involved with consistently, your responsibilities are going through the ceiling just as your support system is falling through the floor. All the precise habits, routines, and influences that helped you to say yes to the good stuff and no to the bad? Poof… gone. It’s all on you now to choose the apple over the cupcake, a good night’s sleep over the girls’ night out, hitting the books instead of hitting anything also that starts with the letter b. If that’s not pressure enough, each decision you make will speak directly to your overall level of both success and fulfillment during these four years. Self-control impacts the degree of depression, anxiety, and loneliness you may feel. Too little willpower can also make you less likely to compromise, more self-indulgent, more likely to act irrationally, more selfish and unfair, and less trusting of others.
But the “choose your own adventure” thrill of college can put you on top of the world instead of through the wringer if you make choices that set you up to thrive instead of merely survive. Higher grades, more frequent goal attainment, more effective problem solving, and greater creative thinking? Greater willpower gives you the advantage.
Resistance Fighters
So now that marshmallows have sweetly illustrated why willpower is so important, let’s look at how it works (and how you can work it). For that matter, let’s not talk about marshmallows. Let’s talk about cookies. Yes… cookies. Actually, cookies and radishes. And let’s add some college students to the mix—specifically your peers from a Psych 101 class at Florida State University, whom social psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues included in yet another research study.
Upon entering the room, all of the participants were hit by the tantalizing aroma of chocolate chip cookies that had been freshly baked on-site and now sat heaped on plates around the room. The students were divided into two groups. One group—let’s call them the Monsters—were told the cookies were all theirs: Munch ’em, throw ’em like Frisbees, hang ’em on the wall like art, rub ’em all over their bodies (we made up those last three, but you get the idea—they were asked to eat at least two or three). But… why were there bowls of radishes in equal abundance? The Monsters were out of luck if they wanted any radishes. It was cookies or nothing for them.
The second group—the Rabbits—were asked to eat a few radishes, but they were forbidden to eat any cookies. (That didn’t stop many of them from “picking up a number of the cookies to sniff at,” the researchers reported. Oh, the agony.)
After just five minutes to savor (or suffer), the researchers switched gears and informed both groups that it was time to move on to a different study. Removing the food from the room, they handed out a book of math puzzles to all participants and asked them to begin solving them.
What they did not share—and here is where things really get interesting—was that the puzzles were unsolvable.
How many minutes would you work at a puzzle before giving up? The Rabbits gave up in just eight minutes. The Monsters? They persisted for nineteen. That’s right, nineteen (19, XIX, 5+4+7+3!). The cookie eaters worked more than twice as long before they gave up on the puzzle.
Allow us to put that more precisely:
Radish eaters: 8.35 minutes until giving up
Cookie eaters: 18.90 minutes until giving up
What… just… happened?
It turns out that this is willpower:
Your willpower (and for that matter, Alan’s and Dan’s, your mom’s, your boyfriend’s, and that of the girl sitting next to you) is like a muscle. Whether you are resisting cookies, marshmallows, beer, video games, your ex, or your texts, the more you use it, the weaker it gets, until it’s all but gone. The radish eaters had depleted their willpower resisting cookies, and thus didn’t have the oomph left to stick with the puzzle as long as the cookie eaters did. And just as nos drain, so do yeses: the well-intentioned efforts that you make to push through unsolvable problems, study harder, clean your dorm room, or balance your finances all take a toll on your willpower, too. The more you use it throughout the day, the weaker it becomes, and the less you have remaining when you’re having that midnight stare down with Ben (and Jerry’s)—give it up and grab the spoon… this sucker was over before it began.
And let’s be clear here—almost everything you do requires willpower:
Getting up in the morning (without hitting your snooze bar eight times)
Hitting the gym (instead of the couch)
Paying attention to the prof (not your phone)
And every choice you make—good or bad—continually fatigues that willpower muscle. That muscle wakes up like Lindsay Lohan circa Mean Girls but by bedtime is the hot-mess Lindsay Lohan of today.
As the day progresses, your strength is progressively sapped, and after a long, tough one, most of us are far more likely to make poor decisions. Ever have a regrettable fight, regrettable double bacon pepperoni pizza, regrettable sex, or a million other regrettable things? Probably happened later in the day, didn’t it? By the time night falls, you may find yourself simply doing nothing at all (some call this procrastination—but we are putting that topic off for later). You may find yourself on a sort of robotic autopilot, zombie-walking back into your suite, sincerely intending to tackle the reading/writing/’rithmetic that is piling up on your desk (and on your conscience) but discovering that the lure of the couch is simply too much to resist. Your only course of action is to collapse next to your equally zoned-out roommate, reach into the nearly empty tube of Pringles, and have this conversation:
You: Hey.
Roommate: Whattup?
(Twenty-minute delay)
You: Whattup?
Roommate: Hey.
(Ten minutes…)
You: You hungry?
Roommate: Word.
(Ten minutes…)
You: Let’s order something.
Roommate: Dude. Yes.
One of you: Dude.
Willpower? Gone. Proactivity? Not happening. And thirty minutes later, no food has been ordered, you are still watching the same dumb show, and the spiral has only gone further downward.
There are both psychological and physiological elements to willpower, which we’ll touch on later in the chapter. But for now, be aware that some of the most common willpower vampires include:
Making decisions
Low blood sugar
Multitasking
Restraining impulses
Sleep deprivation
Even when we try to do the right thing, we seem to only have so much willpower. As Kelly McGonigal points out, studies show:
Smokers who abstain from cigarettes for twenty-four hours are more likely to binge on ice cream.
Drinkers who say no to their favorite cocktail become weaker on a test of physical endurance.
People who are on a diet are more likely to cheat on their spouse (yes, you read that correctly).
So what the hell are we supposed to do? Are we doomed to either smoke or eat sundaes? Drink or collapse on a run? Wear oversize sweatshirts forever or cheat on our partners?
Undoubtedly, by now you are thinking (because you are a college smarty-pants), “But hey… if you guys are telling us that willpower works like a muscle, shouldn’t we be able to exercise it and make it buff? Can’t we save some for when we need it most?”
That is a great question, and right you are. You can pump that sucker up and—like a mental athlete—make it work for you. In fact not only can you make it stronger, but you can also keep some on ice for later.
How can you put this info into action? Well, let’s start with a little quiz. Match the desire in the top list to the solution in the bottom list:
Want to quit smoking?
Want to stop texting your ex?
Want to go easy on the partying?
Want to develop better study habits?
Stop eating sweets for two weeks.
Use hand grips twice a day.
Walk ten minutes twice a day.
Do your dishes every night.
Congratulations! You’re right!
How do we know? Because unlike Baumeister’s devilish “no right answer” scenario, every answer is correct (OMG, how awesome would that have been on the SATs?): every single exercise on the right side of the page has been shown to increase our willpower no matter what we intend to use it for!
The more you exercise willpower, the stronger it gets. Of course, it also becomes fatigued and needs rest to recover. As with a muscle, there are simple rules to strength training:
If you lift too little weight, there is not enough strain, and you will not build muscle.
If you attempt to lift too much, you will give up and thus not build muscle (and maybe even hurt yourself).
Lifting an amount of weight that pushes you beyond your current limits (but not too much), and doing so regularly, with adequate periods of rest in between, will develop greater strength.
When studies have simulated tasks requiring little self-control (regularly doing easy math problems or writing a few lines in a journal), willpower did not improve. When students have been tasked with taking on multiple willpower challenges at once(exercise and keeping their room clean, managing personal finances and dieting, increasing study habits and quitting smoking), they have overwhelmingly failed at both. But when students have been tasked with improving one area where willpower is needed over thirty days, they have not only improved in that area; they have found greater success when addressing other areas afterward. Because their willpower muscle has been strengthened, it is more ready than ever for the next challenge. The exercises at the end of this chapter will help you craft a workout that is just right for you.
Giving Your Muscle a Rest
To watch the video of the kids who waited for a second marshmallow is to observe a master class in the creative conservation of the willpower muscle. While the bambinos who couldn’t wait stared intently at the fluffy little temptations and scarfed them down in an average of under three minutes, the others used remarkable strategies to resist the same urge: they put the marshmallow out of view by placing the paper plate on top of it, or they turned around to face the wall; they sang songs to distract themselves; and some even put their heads down to sleep until the time was up. One little boy’s strategy was simple, later explaining that he couldn’t eat the marshmallow because it wasn’t there: in order to avoid the temptation he had decided to “go to outer space.”
According to Mischel, the overarching strategy of those who wait is simple: “The key is to avoid it [the temptation] in the first place.” If you can avoid it, “you can study for the SAT instead of watching television.”
What are the marshmallows in your life? What are the things that tempt you the most? Food? Social media? TV? Shopping? Take a moment and jot them down and consider, how might you give your willpower enough rest to ensure it’s there when these temptations arise? At Kenyon College, swimmers were coached to avoid climbing stairs in order to save energy as national championships approached. Crazy? Maybe—but they won thirty-one national championships in a row from 1980 through 2010. Resting your muscles—whether it’s your pecs and glutes or your willpower—allows them to be at their strongest when you need them to perform their best.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow, There’s Always… Procrastination
Wait for it.… Wait for it.… Wait for it.… okay… let’s talk about procrastination.
A chapter on willpower simply wouldn’t be complete without addressing procrastination. College students spend one-third of their waking life procrastinating. Up to 95 percent of them think they procrastinate, and 60 percent believe that their procrastination has gotten to the point of requiring professional help. Seventy percent think they should be branded with the letter “P” as full-on “procrastinators.” But procrastination doesn’t make you a procrastinator, just like playing basketball doesn’t make you a basketball player. When we think of procrastination as just a behavior to change and not a reflection of character or self-worth, we are much closer to being able to create positive change.
Procrastination is when you put off the thing you should be doing. You make this choice thinking it won’t hurt you in the long run, and you’re right… for a while. Roy Baumeister and Dianne Tice found that college students who procrastinate more at the beginning of a semester feel so good that they actually have fewer health problems than their peers who take care of their responsibilities in a timely fashion. But not so fast with the champagne and confetti. Baumeister also determined that by the end of the semester, not only do the procrastinators retain much less information (we call it renting rather than buying an education), but also their grades are worse. The terrible pressure and stress that build up as the months go by (and the work piles up) far outweigh the earlier gains.
Procrastination Patterns
There are infinite reasons why we procrastinate, but they all have one thing in common—willpower. When our willpower is low, we are much more likely to give in to the impulse to watch TV, surf the Internet (or the ocean if you go to school on the coast), or look in the fridge (for the third time that hour). Everyone gets depleted at one time or another, and the personal routines that ensue often form consistent patterns of procrastination. What’s great about patterns, though, is that with a little bit of awareness, we can recognize them and do some useful rearranging.
Mild-impact procrastination (MIP) is when you suffer the consequences of not getting low-priority items done on time. If you put off registering for classes until the only remaining choice is Needlepoint in the Dark Ages, or wait so long to get tickets for a concert that you end up watching it on YouTube, you have symptoms of MIP. When you put off your laundry until you find yourself smelling each item before wearing it, you’ve got MIP. MIP has a way of making your whole life messy if it’s left unchecked. With MIP, we forgo easy action due to a fear of commitment, and the downward spiral begins.
If you start a million projects but finish very few, make plans but never see them through (or find yourself making endless lists on which nothing is ever crossed off), you may be dealing with behavioral procrastination. You’ve got the ideas, but you don’t commit to the behaviors that will accomplish them. College offers a million opportunities—you can make plans to start four clubs, complete two majors (and a minor), produce three podcasts, play sports, and sing in the a cappella group but end up wondering how you never actually do any of them. (Dan did sing a cappella, but Alan was rejected. Just for the record and all.)
Deadline procrastination is just what it sounds like. You believe that deadlines can be pushed back, stomped on, slapped in the face (with a white glove, like in an eighteenth-century duel), or altogether ignored. Some softhearted teachers may let you slide by, but then you will find one teacher who won’t, and she’ll deduct a full letter grade while declaring that this is a life lesson. (This is what happened to Dan in college for handing in a paper FIVE SECONDS LATE. Seriously. Hey, Professor Kluge, I just wrote a book. And I got it in on time.)
If you have accepted an invitation when you really didn’t want to, you may have been practicing hindrance procrastination. At some point in college (we hope), you are going to be asked to hang out, and, while your brain is thinking “OhmygodIamsobusywithEVERYTHINGthereisnowaynonononodon’tsayyes!” your mouth is going to say “Dude, totes!” Then you go, but show up late and are… clearly distracted. Your friend asks if you are okay and you say “Fine,” but in that clearly not-so-fine way. You realize that had you just said no in the first place, everyone would have been better off. So with steely determination, you firmly resolve to do this in the future: from here on out, No! will be your middle name.
Unless you say yes again the very next time.
Chip and Dan Heath, the authors of three best-selling books, claim to do their most focused writing on computers that have the Wi-Fi disabled, and the poet Maya Angelou would famously write in hotel rooms only after having all art removed from the walls. If you don’t change your pattern, you aren’t going to stop procrastinating. Thinking that you can just “try harder” means relying on the same willpower that let you down in the first place. If resistance seems futile, remember the example of the Great Stanford Marshmallow Resisters of 1968: out of sight, out of mind. When you identify the pattern that has the biggest impact on your life, only then can you break it down and begin to develop a new one.
Opportunities for Action
Exercise: Breathe, Move, Sleep
If you’ve ever had your heart set aflutter, you have experienced a telltale physical sign of temptation. When you are on the verge of caving in to a craving (or succumbing to a distraction such as the Internet), your heart rate rises, but its consistency decreases—a cardiovascular portrait of speeding up while losing control. When you are ready to face the challenge, however, the opposite occurs, a slower and more regulated rhythm. Heart rate variability (HRV) is such a strong indicator of willpower that it can allow researchers to predict how people do in the face of temptation. Fortunately, there are a number of ways to increase your HRV so that it helps you keep your cool at times when you feel like you might get all hot and bothered.
Twenty breaths: Breathing to regulate your HRV can work wonders. The University of Pennsylvania’s Michael Baime recommends closing your eyes, sitting upright, and taking twenty breaths, counting each one (an inhale/exhale counts as one) and focusing on each cycle intently for about ten seconds each. Doing this in moments of weakness can help you triumph over temptation. Practicing twice each day builds strength so you can stay on the path, not stray from it.
Step (or run) away from temptation: Regular exercise increases HRV, optimizes your willpower, and has been found to reduce consumption of alcohol, caffeine, and junk food; minimize impulse buying, procrastination, and lateness; and increase study habits and money-saving practices. No need to run a marathon: If you want to hit the gym, great. If it’s a stroll around the block, equally great. Just move it.
Rested eyes stay on the prize: The effects of sleep deprivation resemble mild intoxication, and your HRV suffers the same way (bad decisions, anyone?). If you’re still working on getting a solid seven to eight, try a twenty-minute nap (tip: Dan swears by his earplugs and takes them everywhere he goes). It has loads of cognitive benefits, and you may notice an instant boost in your ability to stay on task and ignore the distractions.
Exercise: Out of Sight, Out of Mind
We once had a student in class who loved ice cream so much that when we asked the students about their most challenging temptations, she raised both hands and said, “This is Ben and this is Jerry. They live in my fridge. Always.” Her solution to the addiction? She simply stopped keeping ice cream in her freezer, forcing herself to walk to the store to buy a pint when she had to have it. Ben and Jerry were a lot less desirable when it became a commuter relationship. If you’re glued to your phone, bury it at the bottom of your closet at bedtime instead of keeping it by—or in—your bed. If you’re a shopaholic, freeze your credit card in a block of ice. Not only can you save a few bucks (or calories), but you save up your willpower for when you need it later.
Whether it’s ice cream or your ex, choose a temptation you would be better off without. Now, strategize. If you walk by the ex’s dorm every day, change your route. If you find yourself rereading their texts, erase them all from your phone. (Dan did this once for his best friend. Without telling him. Long term, good. Short term, mayhem.) Move the TV out of your dorm room. Turn your phone off and leave it in the bottom of your backpack during class. Stick to your strategy for one month, then move on to the next temptation. Studies show that we should be ready for our next challenge after thirty days.
Exercise: Two Wills Are Better than One
Social support can be key to boosting willpower. Whether you want to resist temptations or take more initiative, teaming up with friends makes the going easier.
In good company: Studies show that simply observing people who are exerting their willpower can help raise our own levels. Do you appreciate a friend’s habits when it comes to studying or good nutrition? Spend more time with that person.
Get a workout partner: Accountability to others is a key to goal-setting. Find a friend who is looking to build willpower, share your specific goals with each other, and then set a time to check in every day on progress and goals for the day ahead. A quick text or conversation will do the trick.
Try a trainer: Personal trainers aren’t just for toning up your abs, they can buff up your willpower as well. Whether it’s organization, managing personal finances, nutrition, or any other area you want to improve, work with a specialist once a week, logging your progress each day. Stick with one area of focus at a time (remember, you only have one willpower muscle!).
The Takeaway
The Big Idea
Willpower is a key element of your success in college and life. It affects the quality of your grades, friendships, health, resilience, and happiness (to name a few), and predicts higher salaries and more secure relationships in the years ahead.
Be Sure to Remember
Willpower is like a muscle: It becomes tired when exercised, and it needs to be conserved and rested. But the more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes.
Your willpower muscle is depleted by many everyday activities, including making decisions, taking initiatives, multitasking, restraining impulses, and sleep deprivation. Alcohol and low blood sugar can also sap it.
Procrastination definitely falls under the heading of willpower. Identifying the type of procrastination is key to addressing the issue.
Making It Happen
Treat your willpower like the muscle it is. Work your breath and body and rest up to be the strongest you can be.
Avoiding temptation is easier said than done, but when you strategize to keep it off your plate, away from your path, or out of sight, you give yourself an advantage and preserve your willpower for when you need it later.
Teaming up with others can help you be your strongest in the face of temptation. Rally friends, classmates, or professionals to support you.