CHAPTER 15

Passion: Doing What You Love

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

—Robert Frost

What Dan remembers most about his mother’s voice isn’t her soaring mezzo-soprano onstage at opera houses around the world, but her gentle whisper on the evenings when she wasn’t performing but listening, the two of them sitting in the audience, entranced by the music that washed over them.

What do you hear? Mimi Lerner would ask. What is it saying to you?

Dan grew up in a house always filled with music. His father played flute in the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra. His mother was a renowned opera singer. The three of them would play chamber music together regularly. Dan sometimes traveled with his parents, hanging out backstage at a concert hall the way other kids did at a ballpark. It was a world he knew well and loved deeply. He could answer his mother’s questions with clever insights about Bach and shared her heartfelt appreciation of the humanity to be found in Handel’s operas. He was enthralled by the beauty of the human voice, the ability of a human being to seemingly communicate their very soul through music, and the timeless messages that seemed to resound as loudly today as they did two hundred years ago. But what moved him most, he would tell her now if he could, was this:

You.

While both fairly defined her, what Mimi Lerner embodied was more than just music or talent. What made this child of the Holocaust thrive wasn’t that she was alive, it was how she lived her life.

Passion.

What do you think of when you hear the word passion?

Predictably (and understandably), many students equate passion with romance. A first love, a big crush, an intense summer connection. Moonlight, quickened pulses, the works. For others, “passion” prompts a related concept, with… shall we say… fewer articles of clothing, a little less innocence, and a bit more sweat.

Yet many define passion without mentioning any other bodies—clothed or otherwise. “Pursuing an activity I love,” “Stuff that allows me to really thrive,” and “What I hope will be my life’s work” are common responses. One memorable answer came from a young man who sat through every single class in the same seat, with a fierce but silent intensity, his hat always pulled down low over his eyes and massive blue Beats headphones slung around his neck. When we called on him, he sat up straight, leaned in, and said slowly, almost lyrically, “Music. I love music so much. If I could do nothing but make music—swim in it, make it with other people, live and breathe it for the rest of my life—that would be all the passion I would ever need.”

We wanted to hug that dude.

The seeds of passion can be found in a majority of college students—84 percent of the 539 surveyed at the University of Montreal believed there was at least one thing in their lives about which they were passionate and in which they engaged for an average of eight and a half hours per week (both criteria for passion, as we will soon find out). When we ask our students if they believe that finding a passion in life is an essential element of being fulfilled, the response is unanimous. Passion, quite clearly, is highly valued, eagerly sought, and, when found, happily embraced.

Yet darker possibilities lurk, too, as evidenced by our students, who describe passion as “something that I can’t stop doing even though I know I should,” “an activity that is so intense that I forget other things in my life,” and, along those same lines, “something I can’t stop thinking about… like… ever.” Passions can limit you just as surely as they can liberate you, either throwing your life wide open to possibility and potential or slamming the gate shut, making you single-minded and narrowing your focus to the point that you make lousy decisions and ignore important tasks.

College is a prime time to find, explore, and nurture your passion.

Before we show you the how and the when, though, let’s get back to the what and why.

What Is Passion?

There are plenty of things in life that we are motivated to do on a regular basis, but only a few that genuinely qualify as passions. Poets, playwrights, philosophers, and even politicians have ruminated on the subject as long as language has existed, but when you cut through the thicket of words, the best definition is perhaps the simplest: “a strong inclination toward an activity that people like, that they find important, and in which they invest time and energy.” You may pick up a guitar and take pleasure from playing it whenever you have time, but if the guitar is a passion, you will prioritize it, spend hours every week strumming it, and perhaps even look to challenge yourself and become better and better at playing it.

Being passionate about a subject will find you immersed, exhilarated (sometimes exasperated), and digging ever deeper. You might look for opportunities to discuss it with classmates, friends, and even your parents. You may look forward to a good pickup game a few times a week at the local courts or enjoy getting involved in intramural sports, but when you wake up early to take extra free throws, to stretch, to commit time to sport-focused workout programs, or to work with coaches and set specific and challenging goals, that is passion.

Your passion may become so incorporated into your sense of identity that you talk about yourself differently. Dan’s son, Julian, used to say that he “did gymnastics.” Now, with thousands of hours of practice under his belt, he refers to himself as a gymnast. You don’t just enjoy programming, numbers, or writing—you are a programmer, a mathematician, or a writer. A passion becomes part of who you are.

The list of what psychologists qualify as passions is so vast that you may have one (or more) and not even realize it. They can range from traditional pursuits like cooking or running to reading, painting, hanging out with friends, watching movies, or listening to music. The idealism that’s so fresh and exciting in young adulthood can morph into a passion-driven goal: ending world hunger, creating peace, human rights, environmentalism, education. Consider the passion that America’s Founding Fathers must have had to risk their lives against all odds in the effort to win independence from Britain, or the passion that fed Harriet Tubman’s courage and empathy as she led hundreds of slaves to freedom along the Underground Railroad. Passion can guide our days and even define our legacy.

Passionate Performances

Trailblazers from Oprah Winfrey (“Passion is energy”) to Martha Graham (“Great dancers are great because of their passion”) have cited passion as a key to their success, and psychologist Robert Vallerand’s research supports them, finding that “100 percent of people who are experts are passionate.” For you, the possibilities are as close as your campus: a 2007 study found that college drama majors with higher levels of passion for their art were assessed by their professors to have improved more throughout the year than their less passionate classmates. The same study found similar results for passionate college basketball players.

Passion compels you to work harder. Passion reminds you why you are grinding, sweating, and pushing, and it sustains your interest and focus through the frustration that comes with repeated failure. Vallerand believes that passion is the major motivational source underlying deliberate practice. In its own special way, passion can push you beyond your perceived limitations—in a sense, it too can help force your own evolution.

What will your passion be?

Passion: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Passion comes in two distinct flavors: “harmonious” and “obsessive.” Simply put, one good, the other… poison.

If there were ever a scientific study of the clichéd advice “Find a job that you would do for free,” it would be the study of harmonious passion (HP). HPs drive you to activities that bring you joy and engagement. It’s not about the applause, money, praise, or any social or parental pressures. It’s about embracing the road rather than the destination, the process rather than the outcome. As the word “harmonious” itself implies, you know that your fascination with theater, medicine, law, history, finance, psychology, photography, architecture, animals, or airplanes is just one part of life and not the whole extra-cheese-and-guac enchilada. You make time for friends, hobbies, other interests, and may even share your passions with others, integrating them into the lives of your friends and family in a healthy way (as opposed to waiting for an opportunity in every conversation to jump in with “Yeah! That’s just like with anime, where…”). You feel comfortable taking breaks from practicing, studying, or working. You welcome feedback; you see mistakes as opportunities for growth. You are in control. Your passion is in harmony with your life.

At its core, an obsessive passion (OP) is pursued for others or is driven by outside influences (what researchers call extrinsic motivators). You study, practice, or push yourself not because you find the pursuit engaging or rewarding for its own sake, but rather for the resulting promise of money, status, fame, applause, social standing, or approval from parents or others you long to please. OP pursuits can be so consuming that you leave friendships (and often family) in the dust. You may ignore emails, texts, and voice mails, and either don’t respond or turn down invitations to hang out. It is guilt that anchors you to the practice room, field, library, pool, or lab. You fear that people won’t love you when you trip up, get a bad grade, crack a note, or strike out at the plate. Even when you do succeed, the joy is short-lived and soon to be replaced by the need for more victories, bigger successes, and the flattery and praise of those around you.

Whether talking about yoga, studying, or Olympic cyclists (all areas studied by the University of Montreal’s Vallerand), we find that OP is aptly named: it is about genuine obsession. People with OP might know deep down that they should get out more, take a break, hang with friends, maybe even (gasp) think about a different path, but they just can’t stop the hamster wheel, even when it’s flat-out dangerous to keep going. OP Olympic-level cyclists suffer more injuries (they’ve been found to train even when there is ice on the ground. Hello… ice, bicycle…), as have ballet dancers. Oh, and if your workouts are a bit less explosive, check this out: OP yoga practitioners experience more injuries as well. Namaste.

Passion, Performance, and Life

Like the path chosen by Robert Frost, the type of passion you cultivate makes all the difference. And when we say all the difference, we are not exaggerating. We mean whether or not you make new friends (and if you keep them); the quality of your relationships with partners, pals, and family; how much you enjoy your successes; whether you turn your challenges into opportunities to learn and grow; what you do with feedback; and even how able you are to focus fully on a task at hand. “All” includes which classes you choose, how well you do in those classes, how much you enjoy a date, and whether or not you go for a slice when your friends invite you out. “All” means how you treat your body as an athlete, your mind as a thinker, and your heart as a friend, partner, sibling, son, or daughter. It means how enjoyable, engaging, stressful, healthy, and fulfilling your time is in college, and how you fare with your pursuits in the future. Yes, we do mean “all.”

Only HP promises better concentration, greater resilience, and improved decision-making after mistakes and while you are under stress. Only HP improves relationships and leads to more mindfulness, creativity, and confidence, raising levels of performance, positive emotion, meaning, and engagement. What rates leap through the roof for people with OPs? Burnout. All that work, and then one day, poof, you just don’t want to do it anymore.

A 2006 study found that after team practices, high school basketball players with an HP for their sport felt only more positive emotions—not an inkling of the negative at all. Those players with OP? No bueno, only the bad stuff. A more recent study went beyond sports teams to leisure activities and study groups, finding almost exactly the same results. In fact, whether in athletics, the arts, academia, or social pursuits, the differences experienced on a day-to-day basis when passions are harmonious vs. obsessive are truly eye-opening. One study of college students showed that engaging in a harmonious passion in the morning could raise levels of positive emotion for the rest of the day, yet once a student with an OP was away from their activity, negative emotions swept in as quickly as a dust storm at Burning Man.

Passions impact how we relate to one another on every level. In college study groups where classmates had not previously met, those with HP for the subject made both more and better friends. Ditto for new participants in a one-week basketball camp. Heck, even in the wide, wide world of online gaming (and actually in a study of the wide, wide World of Warcraft), HP for the game itself predicted better relationships with pals away from it.

Whether at dinner, at a concert, catching a movie, or just taking a stroll, harmonious passions gracefully allow you to turn your focus to your date, the changing fall colors, or whether the IMAX experience delivered enough bang for your hard-earned buck. People with OPs may pry themselves away from their obsessions for the same activities, but while they are physically present, all too often they are feeling so guilty for not studying/practicing/working that their minds haven’t come along for the ride.

More Passions, More Benefits

So if it is indeed possible to have too much of a good thing, what can a passionate person do in their down time? How about filling it with other passions? A 2014 study by B. J. I. Schellenberg and Daniel Bailis shows that not only does an HP person allow room for more than one passion, but that those who pursue multiple passions report even higher levels of well-being. So for HP people, immersing yourself in French literature and Greek art makes perfect sense, and throwing yourself into building robots doesn’t rule out picking up your guitar on a regular basis. Wu-Tang and water polo? The Snoop Dogg says fo shizzle. In fact, a 2012 study of college students showed that students who had HP for at least one activity also had a greater ability to focus on other things in their lives, passions or otherwise. Students with OP were on a one-track, blinder-wearing journey, missing a million amazing stops along the way. The good news? There are ways to lose the blinders and change course. Stay tuned.

Choosing Your Passion

We have yet to come across anybody—student, patient, or client—who didn’t yearn to have a passion in life. Helping people pinpoint and develop what speaks to them most resoundingly is one of Dan’s favorite challenges as a performance coach. When Andrew came to him, he was at a crossroads: he had quit a dream job as general counsel for a well-known corporation to take a chance on a new venture—a venture that didn’t work out. He was clearly at his wits’ end. “I would love to find something that I am passionate about doing every day, but I have no idea where to begin looking,” he lamented. “Let’s start simple,” Dan suggested. “What are some responsibilities that you would most look forward to at work?” Andrew shared that he loved to wear a lot of different hats, and that was one of his problems. “Maybe that’s more of a clue than a problem,” Dan ventured. “What does that look like for you?” Andrew described how he was fascinated when he met a founder of a nascent brewery, particularly by how the fellow was responsible for everything from marketing to packaging, and even creating the product. “How cool is it that he gets to learn and be challenged in so many ways?” Andrew marveled.

Little did he know that he had just taken the first step to uncovering a passion.

Beginning with that first conversation, Dan and Andrew built a checklist that incorporated Andrew’s interests and his signature strengths. As job opportunities arose, Andrew would not only consult his list to see how the opportunities fit, but also began to score each one, using the list. Positions that commanded a huge salary might score high for pay and prestige but fell out of contention because the organizations didn’t value his strengths of humor, teamwork, or love of learning. The process continued for almost a year.

Many of us think passions are like lightning bolts or “love at first sight” moments, but more often than not, they can take months and years to develop. “The big shift for me came when I stopped doing what everyone wanted me to do,” recalled Eliza, a student of ours during the very first year we taught The Science of Happiness. “I was ‘supposed’ to be a doctor, and while I worked incredibly hard, during class my eyes were on the clock and the rest of the time my mind was on the grade. I was not into what I was learning at all.” That changed with her first psych class. “I was really interested in why my mind was doing what it was doing—and what it was doing in premed,” Eliza explained. Psych 101 turned into a psych major. “I wouldn’t say that Psych 101 was a eureka moment, but I definitely looked forward to my classes, so I just kept adding more of them until it was clear—my future lay in psychology.”

Andrew finally whittled his choices down to two offers on the table. One was from a huge company that “would have been my dream job five years ago,” he allowed. The other was a start-up, pretty much five employees and an innovative business plan. Despite the high risk of failure, the latter was clearly the route Andrew was meant to take. “Every box is checked for me—the law that I love to practice; they’re incredibly funny, embrace the idea of team, and they need and want me to wear a whole bunch of hats.” Two years later, Andrew is the general counsel for that start-up, now the super-successful Jet.com. “Even if it had failed in the first six months, I got to see that I could be passionate about what I do—the people, the culture, and the lifestyle were all realistic possibilities.”1

Studies show consistently that college students who self-select their passions are far more likely to realize harmonious benefits. By stepping back to think through what really interested them and how they could explore those things, Andrew and Eliza each found theirs. You may not have pinpointed yours yet, but there’s no better place to look than college. Following your interests and using your signature strengths are great ways to identify and develop an HP. Be sure to check out the exercise at the end of the chapter to work with these tools for yourself.

Pals, Professors, Parents, and Passion

Just because you find your passion doesn’t mean the rest of the world is going to get on board for the ride. One of the biggest, and most frequent, challenges our students face is when their parents don’t agree with the path their passion has set them on, whether it’s a career direction (“Music is a nice hobby, sweetie, but you are sticking with pre-law. Period.”), or a lifestyle move (say, when your passion for archaeology pulls you to spend a summer wandering solo across Egypt). Yet finding support of any sort is key to exploring passions and to a successful outcome. You already know how important relationships are for other components of thriving—the role of mentors in deliberate practice, for example, or using tend-and-befriend to get through stressful situations. A study of more than 1,300 participants found that when you’re marching to the beat of your own drummer, you’re more likely to develop an HP when your autonomy receives peer support. Getting your elders on board doesn’t hurt, either. A 2009 study showed that athletes and musicians who had parents, professors, or coaches who supported their autonomous choices were far more likely to find their way to HP, and according to a 2014 Gallup Poll of recent college graduates, the greatest predictor of a fulfilling postcollege life was having “had a professor who supported their pursuits.” Endorsement matters.

When Passions Change

Anson Dorrance, the record-setting head coach of the University of North Carolina’s women’s soccer team, once shared with Dan that he longed to understand why some recruits seem to lose all interest in a sport for which they once had so much passion. How was it possible that these young athletes, whose passion had seemingly fueled their drive to practice hard enough to be recruited by the best programs in collegiate sports, who had committed their lives to being dominant on the field, would choose to shift into cruise control and stop striving for excellence? Had their love for the game disappeared once they were no longer the very best, weren’t scoring the most goals, or were no longer getting all the outside recognition? Had their passion hit the end of the line? And most importantly, what would they do next?

We have had students just like Anson’s players, whose entire lives revolved around a focused passion, but who found that the passion faded once they hit campus, often leaving them feeling lost and searching for an immediate replacement. From your first day of freshman year to your graduation march, you will experience so much that is exciting and new, from eye-opening classes, to mind-blowing discussions, to different kinds of people with different perspectives, that the odds are very good that your passions will change along the way. If that happens, don’t worry, you are not alone, and hey, you are in college, and there may not be a better time in your entire life to begin exploring anew.

Passion took many forms throughout the life of Dan’s mom. A breath-holding, floor-pounding tantrum to get piano lessons at age seven was the first clue that music might be at the core, but attending New York’s famed LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts sealed it. Mimi was well into her career of teaching music education when she found her way to vocal performance, stunning her instructors with a gorgeous tone, effortless dexterity, and an exceptional sense of musicality. She became an international success.

Yet Mimi Lerner may never have been happier than when she stopped traveling and settled back into her home in Pittsburgh. Not only was she with her family, nurturing a wonderful community of friends, and extremely active in the civic life of the city, but her passion was burning as brightly as ever. Having accepted a position as head of the voice department at Carnegie Mellon University, she took her students in as if they were her own children. There was always room for them at her table during meals, and she knew instinctively how to listen to someone’s voice but hear their heart. Her students came to learn how to sing, but what she really taught them was something far more important: she taught them how to be human—she taught them how to live a life of harmony and passion.

Opportunities for Action

Exercise: Passion for the People

Psychologist Adam Grant has found that people work harder when their goals are linked to helping other people. For example, firefighters who were both interested in their work and linked their duty to concern for others averaged more than 50 percent more overtime than their colleagues. Related studies show that people who have a passion identify with statements such as “In choosing what to do, I always take into account whether it will benefit other people” and “I have a responsibility to make the world a better place.”

When you find something that is of interest to you, ask yourself the following questions:

How could this pursuit help make the world a better place?

How could this lead to something that benefits other people?

Who are some role models for me in this field, and what have they done to change the world?

More than think it out, write it out! Take fifteen minutes to write in your journal about these questions. Often, your chosen activity may not have an obvious answer, but if you keep at it, you may find a connection. Doing so can mean a leap in motivation and meaning and provide a beacon that offers you a terrific and exciting new direction.

Exercise: Making the Jump from OP to HP

If you recognize yourself as having an OP, all is not lost! Scott Barry Kaufman, the director of the University of Pennsylvania’s Imagination Institute, recommends a number of ways you might make the leap to HP:

Harmonious scheduling: Set time in the calendar for friends and family—and don’t break those dates! Get some in during the day (go for a walk with a friend, meet a pal for coffee or a workout) and on evenings and weekends. The more consistently you schedule them, the more quickly they will feel natural and welcome. Plus, incorporating others is a key to success (and a classic attribute of harmony).

Fake it until you make it: Kaufman suggests that speaking and thinking like someone with an HP can help you make the leap. Instead of using words and phrases such as “must” or “have to,” try “want” or “would like to.” It most likely won’t feel natural in the beginning, but as your HP-related words feel increasingly normal, so, too, will your behaviors fall into line.

Add to the pillars: At first, Dan’s son, Julian, would cry if he didn’t do well at a gymnastics meet. When he fell in love with acting, though, a less-than-stellar performance in competition would often be met with a response of “Well, at least I get to learn lines for that audition tomorrow!” Building a life on an OP is like constructing a building on one pillar. When you begin to develop other interests and hobbies, you lower the pressure and minimize the chances of burnout or collapse.

The Takeaway

The Big Idea

Passion has two pathways: Harmonious and obsessive.

Be Sure to Remember

Harmonious passions are pursued for the sake of the activity. They are things that you truly love, feel in control of, and incorporate into your life with other interests and friends.

People who pursue obsessive passions are motivated by external factors that take over, such as pressure from parents, status, money, and prestige. You feel no control over your need to work, feel guilty when you are not there, and do not make time for much else in your life.

With the right strategy in place, an obsessive passion can be turned into a harmonious passion.

Making It Happen

Choose easy: Finding your passion is not always a thunderbolt moment. Passions often take time to develop. Those things that interest you are a great place to start, and see where they go from there.

Peep the people: Considering how your passion can help others or make the world a better place can be a great way to take an activity to the next level of interest and motivation.

Don’t succumb to the dark side: If your passion is obsessive, incorporating aspects of harmonious passion (i.e., friends, other interests) may help you craft a healthier pursuit.