The largest group of Vermeers hangs
in Amsterdam. Many travel to Amsterdam
to look at Vermeers as well as De Hooches
and Ter Borches. There is also a dark district
where one may be included in unspeakable acts
well within the traveler’s budget. First name
Jan pronounced nearly Yawn. Painter of luminous
quiet, rivaled only by Van Eyck in depiction
of spiritual reflection. Vermeer sold few
paintings in his lifetime. He had to wait
200 years to stop being a failure. Do not
get the hiccups while looking at Woman
Reading a Letter as you will be asked
to leave. Ditto sneezing, belching, coughing,
all of which disperse acids known to destroy
masterpieces. Due to the language barrier,
your removal may be accomplished with
rigorous gesture. Whatever Dutch is written
in the letter is obliterated by light.
Such is the fate of spiritual reflection.
How little I actually know about Vermeer
and how loath I am at the idea of finding out more.
Oddly, Vermeer was said to have had a large
penis although not as large as John Dillinger’s.
Like many artists, he communicated in code.
His relation to the female figure is part
oblong to conic section, part man in tight
underwear. One leaves the Vermeers, unlike
the work of French masters, with an unsated
need for a glimpse of the naked babysitter.
In Vermeer, women appear both nunnish and
knocked-up. Some questions are best not asked.