CHAPTER 13

Of the necessity of exact vigilance over the senses and affections.

I CONFESS also before Thy goodness, God of mercy, that Thou didst use another means to animate my languor; and though at first Thou didst commence Thy work by the intervention of a third person, Thou didst will nevertheless to consummate it Thyself with mercy and condescension. This person proposed to my consideration the Gospel which relates that after Thy Birth Thou wert found by shepherds; she added that Thou hadst made known to her that if I would truly find Thee, I must watch over my senses, as the shepherds over their flocks. I had some difficulty in believing this, and there seemed to me but little reason in it, knowing that Thou hadst given other capabilities to my soul than those of serving Thee as a hired shepherd would his master; so that, from morning until evening, I was full of discouragement. After Compline, as I was in the place where I pray, Thou didst solace my grief by this comparison: “If a bride prepare food sometimes for her bridegroom’s falcons,16 she will not on this account be deprived of his caresses, so if I occupied myself for love of Thee in watching over my affections and senses, I should not on this account be deprived of the sweetness of Thy graces.”

Thou didst give me for this purpose the spirit of fear, under the figure of a green rod, in order that, remaining always with Thee, and never leaving the shelter of Thine embraces even for a single moment, I might without danger extend my care to all the windings and labyrinths in which human affection so often loses itself. Thou didst add that when anything presented itself to my mind which sought to turn my thoughts to the right, as to joy or hope; to the left, as to fear, grief, or anger— that I should threaten them with the rod of fear, and that afterwards, by the restraining of my senses, I should immolate this affection like a newborn lamb, by the fire of my heart, and offer it to Thee as a feast.

But, alas, how many times when the opportunity has come have I not snatched, as if from Thy very lips, by a malicious lightness, or by a passionate word or action, that which I had given Thee, and presented it to Thine enemy! And even then Thou hast looked on me with tenderness and sweetness, as if Thou hadst not perceived my infidelity, and thereby Thou hast often excited transports of sweetness in my soul, which have served to make me correct and watch over myself far more than the threats and fear of Thine anger.