CHAPTER 23

Recapitulation of the gifts already mentioned. The Saint complains of her infirmity and ingratitude.

MAY my soul bless thee, O Lord God, my Creator, from the inmost depths of my heart; and let it declare the mercies with which Thy charity has abounded and encompassed me, O my sweetest Love! I give thanks, as far as I am able, to Thine immense mercy; I praise and glorify the longanimity of Thy patience, which has borne with me, while I passed the years of my infancy, childhood, and youth, even until my twenty-fifth year, in such blindness and folly, that if Thou hadst not preserved me, either by the natural dread which Thou didst give me for evil, and an inclination for good, or by the reproofs of others, and by so many aids, and if Thou hadst not saved me by Thy pure mercy, it appears to me that I would have sinned at every opportunity, either by my thoughts, my words or my actions, even as if I had been an infidel in the midst of infidels, and as if I had not known, my God, that Thou wert the rewarder of good and the avenger of evil, although Thou didst choose me even from my infancy—that is, from the age of five years—to live in the bosom of holy religion, among Thy most faithful friends.

Although Thy felicity, O Lord, can neither increase nor diminish, and Thou needest not our goods,26 nevertheless, neither my negligences nor my faults have diminished Thy praises, if I may so speak—I who am so justly bound to glorify Thee continually, with all creatures, and with all the powers of my soul. Thou alone knowest what I feel concerning this matter, and how profoundly my soul is touched by Thy condescension toward it.

Therefore, O loving Father, I offer thee, for the remission of my sins, all the sufferings which Thy beloved Son endured, from the hour when He wept on straw in a manger—all the sufferings of His infancy, the privations of His childhood, the griefs of His youth, and the bitter sufferings of His Manhood, until the hour when He bowed His head upon the Cross, and gave up the ghost with a loud cry. Furthermore, in satisfaction for all my negligences, I offer to Thee, O loving Father, the life of Thy Divine Son, which was so perfect in every thought, word and action, from the time when He came down from Thy celestial throne to The Virgin’s womb, and thence came forth into this world, until the hour when He presented to Thy Fatherly regard His victorious and glorified Body.

And because it is just that the heart which loves Thee should compassionate all Thy afflictions, I beseech Thee, for the love of Thy only Son, and by the virtue of the Holy Spirit, that whoever, by my request, or from any other motive, shall desire to supply for my deficiencies, either during my life or after my death, for Thy glory, even by a sigh27 or by a good work, that Thou wilt receive for them also, and for the remission of their sins and negligences, the offerings which I make Thee of the conversation and sufferings of Thy Divine Son; and that I may effectually obtain my request, I conjure thee to perpetuate my desire to all eternity, and even when I shall reign, by Thy grace, with Thee in Heaven.

I adore and bless with thanksgiving, and with all humility, Thy ineffable charity, O Father of mercies, by which, notwithstanding the disorders of my life, Thou hast had thoughts of peace toward me, and not of severity, overwhelming me with the greatness and multitude of Thy benefits, even as if I had led the life of an angel among men. Thou didst commence this work in me during Advent, before I had attained my twenty-fifth year, and consummated it on the Epiphany by a certain fear, by which I was so agitated that I began to have distaste for all the pleasures of youth, so that thus my heart became in some sort prepared to receive Thee.

Having entered on my twenty-sixth year, the second feria before the Feast of the Purification, at the close of day, after Compline, Thou Lord, Who art the true Light shining in darkness—Thou didst put an end to my spiritual obscurity and darkness, and to my youthful vanities. For at this time Thou didst give me evident tokens of Thine amazing charity and of Thine amiable presence; and Thou didst teach me, by a loving reconciliation, to know Thee and to love Thee; and, having made me enter into my interior, which was until then unknown to me, Thou didst act toward me in marvelous and hidden ways, so that thou didst seem to take the same delight in dwelling in my soul as a friend in living with his friend or a bridegroom with his bride.

Thou didst visit me, then, at different times, and in different ways, to preserve this commerce of charity; but especially on the Vigil of the Annunciation, and before the Ascension, commencing Thy work on that day in the morning, and completing it after Compline, by granting me that favor which ought to be a subject of admiration and reverence to all creatures—namely, that from that hour until now I never found Thee absent from my heart for a single instant when I entered therein, except once, when Thou wert absent for eleven days.

As I cannot express by my words either the number or the value of the gifts Thou hast bestowed on me, permit me, O Giver of gifts, to offer Thee in thanksgiving a sacrifice of joy in a spirit of humility, especially for having prepared a dwelling in my heart, according to Thy desire and mine; so that I have neither heard nor read anything of the Temple of Solomon or the palace of Assuerus which seemed to me preferable to the delights which, thanks to Thy grace, have been placed in me, and which Thou hast permitted my unworthiness to share with Thee, as a queen with the king. But there are two favors which I especially esteem. The first is that Thou hast imprinted on my heart the glorious marks of Thy saving Wounds, and that Thou hast truly and deeply pierced this same heart with the wound of Thy love; so that, even if Thou hadst never granted me a greater consolation, either exteriorly or interiorly, Thou hast conferred such happiness on me by these two alone, that even if I lived for a thousand years, I should find each hour more consolation, thanksgiving and instruction than I could possibly contain.

Besides these things, Thou hast also granted me Thy secret friendship, by opening the sacred ark of Thy Divinity—I mean Thy Deified Heart—to me in so many manners, as to be the source of all my happiness, sometimes imparting it freely, sometimes as a special mark of our mutual friendship, exchanging it for mine. Thou hast also revealed to me hidden mysteries concerning Thy judgments and Thy beatitudes; and Thou hast so often melted my soul by Thy loving caresses, that if I did not know the abyss of Thy overflowing condescensions, I should be amazed were I told that even Thy Blessed Mother, who reigns with Thee in Heaven, had been chosen to receive such extraordinary marks of tenderness and affection.

By all these marks of Thy gentle love Thou hast led me to a salutary knowledge of my faults, and at the same time spared my shame with so much charity, that—pardon me for saying it—it would seem as if the loss of half Thy kingdom were less to Thee than to cause me a momentary confusion for my imperfections. Therefore, in order to make them known to me, Thou didst use this wise expedient—discovering to me the defects which displeased Thee in others, and of which, when I entered into myself, I found I was more guilty than they were, although Thou didst not give me the least sign of having perceived them in me.

Further, Thou hast won my soul by Thy faithful promises of benefits at my death and after it; and if I had only obtained this favor from Thee, it would be sufficient to fill my heart with the most lively hope and desire. But the ocean of Thy infinite mercy was not yet exhausted, for Thou hast heard the frequent prayers which I addressed to Thee for sinners for their souls, or for other considerations; and so great have been these favors, that I have not yet found one to whom I could discover them, as I know them myself, on account of the pusillanimity of the human heart, which is slow of belief. To crown all these benefits, Thou hast given me Thy sweetest Mother, the Blessed Virgin, for my advocate, and Thou hast lovingly recommended me to her many times with the same ardor as a faithful bridegroom would recommend his beloved bride to his own mother. Thou hast also often sent the princes of Thy court to minister to me, not only from the choirs of Angels and Archangels, but even those of higher rank, as Thy kindness, my God, judged it expedient for my advancement in spiritual exercises. But when, for my soul’s good, Thou hast deprived me for a time of some of Thy delights, I have yielded to a weak and shameful ingratitude, and have forgotten Thy gifts, as if they had been of no benefit to me; and if by Thy grace I discovered what I had lost, and asked Thee to restore it, or to grant me some other favor, Thou didst immediately give me all, as if it had been a deposit which I had entrusted to Thy keeping.

Besides these favors, Thou didst grant me others of the utmost value, especially on the day of Thy Nativity, the Sunday Esto mihi; and also another Sunday after Pentecost Thou didst elevate me, or rather Thou didst ravish me, to so close a union with Thyself, that I marvel more than at a miracle how I have lived since then as a creature among creatures, and am even more amazed, and even horrified, that I have not amended my faults as I was bound to do. Nevertheless, the fountain of Thy mercy has not dried up for me, O Jesus, of all lovers the most loving—or rather, the only One who loves the ungrateful truly and disinterestedly. For after a time, having forgotten my vileness, unworthy that I am, and having begun to disrelish those things which are the joy and praise of Heaven and earth—if it were only because an infinite God had abased Himself unreservedly toward a vile and abject worm—Thou, the Giver, Renovator and Preserver of every good—Thou didst arouse me from my torpor and excite me to gratitude by revealing to a certain person, who was very devout to Thee and familiar with Thee, some particulars of the gifts which Thou hast bestowed on me, which they could not have known by human means, since I had not revealed them to any human being, so that I heard from their lips what was only known to my secret heart.

As I recall these words and others, the glory of which is due to Thee alone, I will sing a canticle on a harmonious instrument, which is none other than Thy Divine Heart, by the virtue of the Spirit of consolation. Eternal Father, may all that is in Heaven, on earth or in the deep—may all things which have been, which are, or which will be—render Thee thanks and praise! Even as gold shines most clearly when surrounded by various colors—even as black appears darker by contrast with them—so is the blackness of my ungrateful life, when compared with the splendor of the Divine benefits so abundantly bestowed on me. For as Thou couldst not grant any favors that were not commensurate with Thy royal liberality, I have only received them in my boorish ignorance, and as an unfortunate abuser of Thy graces. This Thou didst, as it were, dissimulate by an effect of Thy natural clemency, so that it appeared as if Thou never didst more for me than when I did least for Thee. And even when Thou didst seek hospitality in my poor dwelling—Thou, Who reposest in the loving bosom of Thy celestial Father—I have been so negligent and so careless in entertaining Thee, that I should, even from natural humanity, have been bound to tend a leper with more care who had asked a shelter under my roof after overwhelming me with outrages and injuries. Far, O Lord, Who adorned the stars with beauty—far from recognizing the graces Thou didst bestow on me—whether by filling me with interior consolation, or by imprinting on me Thy sacred Wounds, or by revealing to me Thy secrets, and even those of Thy friends, or by giving me marks of Thy friendship and tenderness greater than could have been found had the earth been traversed from east to west—I have been so ungrateful as to outrage Thee by despising these things, by seeking strange pleasures, and by prefering the bitterness of exterior things to the sweetness of Thy celestial manna. I have distrusted Thy promises, O God of truth, as if Thou wert a man who couldst lie, or fail in Thy fidelity!

Alas! I have also offended the goodness with which Thou hast heard my unworthy prayers so favorably by hardening my heart against Thy Will, and, as I ought to declare with tears in my eyes, sometimes pretending not to understand Thy Will, lest the reproaches of my conscience should oblige me to obey it.

I have also despised the aid of Thy most glorious Mother, and that of the blessed spirits whom Thou hast sent to me; and I have been so unhappy as to prove an obstacle even to my earthly friends, on whom I have leaned, instead of relying on Thee alone; and far from increasing my gratitude and my vigilance over my faults, on seeing that Thy charity continued Thy favors, notwithstanding my negligence, I, on the contrary, returned Thee evil for good, like a tyrant, or rather like a demon, and had the hardihood to live even more carelessly.

But my greatest fault is, that after the incredible union which I have had with Thee, and which is known to Thee alone, I have not feared to sully my soul again with the same defects, which Thou hast permitted to continue in me in order that I might conquer them, and thus obtain greater glory with Thee in Heaven. I have sinned also, in that when Thou didst discover to my friends Thy hidden favors, to excite my gratitude, I failed in accomplishing Thy designs therein, by rejoicing in a human manner, and neglecting to correspond with Thy designs by the duty of gratitude.

And now, O adorable Creator of my soul, permit the groans of my heart to rise even to Heaven in expiation of all these faults, and of others which Thou mayest yet bring to my recollection. Accept my grief for the immense number of offences which I have committed against the nobleness of Thy Divine goodness. I offer it to Thee, with all the gratitude and all the reverence which Thou hast enabled me, for all in Heaven, on earth, and in the deep, through the merit of Thy beloved Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Since, then, I am altogether incapable of producing worthy fruits of penance, I implore Thy mercy, O my sweetest Love, to inspire those hearts which have sufficient fidelity and zeal to appease Thee by a sacrifice of propitiation, to repair for my defects by their sighs, their prayers, and other good works, and to pay the debt of praise which I owe to Thee alone, O Lord my God; because, as Thou seest the bottom of my heart, Thou knowest that I have only written these things from a pure love of Thy glory, in order that many who shall read them after my death may be touched by Thy sweetness and clemency, considering the greatness of Thy love, which has abased itself so low for the salvation of mankind as to permit such numerous and precious gifts to be abused, as I, alas, have abused them!

But I give thanks with all my might, O Lord, my Creator and re-Creator, to Thine infinite mercy, that from the abyss of Thy overflowing goodness, Thou hast made known to me that whosoever shall remember me as I have said above, for Thy glory, either by praying for sinners, or by giving thanks for the elect, or by any other good works, shall not leave this world until Thou hast granted him the grace to become pleasing to Thee, and so order his heart that Thou mayest find joy and pleasure therein. For which may eternal praise be given to Thee, which shall return without ceasing to the uncreated Love whence it proceeded.