IN THE AFTERNOON, Cristian called. He wanted to tell me he had a girlfriend.
‘What’s the big deal? I’m not jealous.’
There was such a profound silence after my relaxed response that I even wondered if he was still there.
‘Yes, I’m here,’ he said in a low voice. ‘I didn’t think that was how you were going to react.’
‘Why not? What would you have preferred? For me to start shouting or crying, begging you to leave your girlfriend for me?’
‘Something of the sort. Nothing like the way you reacted, anyway.’
He was disappointed. We all like to feel someone is in love with us, even if we don’t feel the same about them. And my reaction wasn’t exactly that of a woman who was madly in love.
‘Well, I’m not jealous at all. I never asked if you were free. It’s your problem, not mine.’
‘The thing is, I don’t want to become sexually dependent on someone, and we’re seeing more and more of each other. I’m in love with my girlfriend, and don’t want to lose her.’
I couldn’t help laughing.
‘So you’re in love with her, but fuck someone else.’
‘Yes, I know, I know! That’s why I feel bad and prefer to put a stop to our relationship. I think that deep down you scare me.’
In other words, he did not want to see me again. I understood that it was not so much me he was scared of, but his own impulses. He did not want to face up to what he really was, so after his little peccadillo with me, he decided not to risk any further adventures.
I respect his decision. What I did not like was his way of conveying it to me. Doing it over the phone was a real coward’s way out.
I was not too bothered about Cristian, because I had my eye on a policeman who was on guard outside the station near my place. He has already offered me his broadest smile, and every time I go past I can see him staring at me. He looks so elegant in his uniform, particularly the way his shirt buttons are tight round his neck because it’s too small for him. I think he likes me because I arouse something in him. The cop, who says his name is Toni, is shorter than me, and has cropped black hair. He always stands there very erect, and what I can see of his chest under the uniform appears to promise a powerful, muscular body. Toni’s only visible sign of weakness is a funny big freckle that he has just above his right upper lip.
When I gave him my phone number, the cop’s freckle bobbed upwards as his mouth lifted in a sincere smile.
Tonight I took the cop to bed with me. We spent the whole night together, and made love several times, in Toni’s tiny room that has no furniture apart from a lovely rug where he keeps his weights. From time to time he closed his eyes to avoid witnessing the sins he was committing, and drew the covers up over his face. At about five in the morning, I was awakened by the sound of water from the bathroom. I turned over in bed, and when I found I was all alone I realized there was a light on in the bathroom, and made out Toni’s shadow under the door. I did not move. He emerged, trying not to make any noise, and as he slipped back into bed beside me I suddenly noticed the smell of the sperm all over the sheets. The persistent smell that I had tasted with the tip of my tongue. I was overcome by a sudden sense of shame which made me dive down under the covers, and when I woke up later that morning I found I was at the bottom of the bed, rolled up like a sausage.
I spent the entire summer with Toni, but our fun came to an end when they transferred him to Malaga. He had put in a request several months earlier because his family is from Andalucia, and it was finally accepted. I’m very pleased for his sake. Thanks to an advert I placed, I have got a rather boring job as a freelance translator, which allows me to survive without touching my savings. It’s better than nothing, but I’d like to find something else. I’m starting to feel restless.