THE PHARMACY WAS crowded, so I sat on a chair next to the counter. My period was a week late, and even before I took the test I knew I was pregnant, although I tried hard to convince myself I couldn’t be. I can tell by the tiny heartbeats I feel down near my right ovary, and although Sonia protests and says it’s impossible to feel anything like that for several months, I know for sure there is something growing inside me. I haven’t said anything to Jaime. I’m worried what his reaction might be, even though it was obvious it might happen because we haven’t taken any precautions for some time now. Also, one day he told me he would love to be a father again now that he feels mature, and that it would have to be now or never, otherwise he would feel like a grandfather rather than a father. Of course, I was right. The pregnancy test did not even take the time meant to be necessary to change colour. As soon as I dipped the indicator into my urine, it turned positive. I couldn’t be more pregnant.
I told Jaime tonight. He sat staring at me as if he had seen a ghost. I was ready for any reaction: joy or rage. What I had not expected was for him to say, ‘That’s impossible!’
‘Why is it impossible? Here’s the proof.’
I showed him the test, which I had put away in its aluminium case.
‘I’m telling you, it’s impossible!’ he repeated, without accepting what his eyes were seeing. His voice was so mocking I started to tremble. ‘I don’t doubt that you’re pregnant. What I doubt is that it’s mine.’
I only just stopped myself leaping at him. That was just the kind of reaction he must have been expecting. I sat very still and calm, though my heart was in my mouth.
‘How can you say that, Jaime? Ever since I’ve known you, you’re the only person I’ve slept with.’
‘I doubt that,’ he replied seriously. I could see he was getting angry.
‘How can you say such a thing?’
‘Quite simply, because I’m sterile.’
I have often had bad moments with Jaime. Sometimes I have hated him with all my being, or felt angry or powerless, but today I could feel the whole structure of our relationship come crashing down around me. This must all be some huge joke. I couldn’t find any other explanation. I ran to the bathroom to be sick and while I was bent over with my head in the toilet bowl, furiously trying to clear my mind, I heard Jaime’s voice behind me. He went on with his explanation, ‘I’ve been sterile for years. I was lucky enough to be able to have two children, but I’ll never have another one. So stop all this pretence, and admit you’ve slept with someone else!’
I did not know what to say. He had become a complete monster to me, and I did not want to talk to him.
‘I wouldn’t be surprised if you hadn’t slept with your boss, and now you want me to take on the burden.’
Every word he said was like a punch to my chin. I was sick a second time.
‘Or maybe you’re making it with my partner. Ah, now I understand why Joaquin is always here these days! I shouldn’t have trusted you!’
I wanted to object, but I was so hurt all I could do was scream.
‘Now you’re getting hysterical. Just look at you! And don’t think I don’t know what you get up to when I’m in Madrid at the weekends!’
I could have told him I had spoken to Carolina and knew about his double game, but I found it impossible to say a word. Because I didn’t reply, he became even more angry and cruel.
‘Condemned by your silence! You disgust me!’
The words echoed round the apartment as he stormed out.