I’M STILL ON cloud nine, ten days after my meeting with Giovanni. I have no way of getting in touch with him. I can only do it through Susana or Sofia. I think of him twenty-four hours a day, and I go to work less and less. Physically, I just don’t have the strength, and psychologically I have only one person in my mind the whole time: Giovanni. I only see a few clients, although I am still earning quite a lot of money. I stick to my regulars. The idea of being unfaithful has never caused me any problems. In fact, I’ve always thought such a thing was impossible. I thought you could be faithful, even if you had sex with other people. The body can be shared in a way that the soul cannot. But ever since Giovanni, I’ve felt bad with any new client, though I can’t explain why.
Today Pedro came to fetch me and spend the night with me. I went reluctantly, and even a little annoyed, because I knew I would have to put up with all his moaning yet again. I’m so fed up with it! I decided that in order not to be his mother once more, this time I would have to have sex with him. That would calm him down, and then maybe he would leave me alone. When he suggested taking me out to dinner I said no, why don’t we got straight to the hotel. I could tell from the look in his eyes he was delighted with the idea. This was the first time I had taken the lead, and he could scarcely believe it. He didn’t need asking twice. And what should have happened a long time ago happened now.
Afterwards, we were both naked on the bedspread, which on this occasion performed a very definite function: I used it to wipe away my floods of tears.
‘Don’t be like that, please. Nothing’s happened, I swear to you,’ Pedro murmured, trying to comfort me.
I had a knot in my throat that stopped me breathing and made the tears running down my cheeks even more painful.
‘How would you know? You told me you’ve never taken the test.’ I was sobbing as I tried to speak. ‘You’re a coward. Yes, that’s what you are. I always get myself tested. Always, always, always!’
Pedro was horrified at seeing me like this, and tried to convince me there was no problem.
‘Please, don’t go on so. I’ve never done the test because there was no need. I’ve already told you, I haven’t made love to my wife in four years. And apart from you, I haven’t had any extramarital relations.’
‘I’m not an extramarital relation!’ I said in a fury.
Somehow, I had managed to start breathing properly again.
Then I saw the split condom in his hands and had another panic attack. I got up and went and shut myself in the bathroom.
‘Listen. Here’s what we’ll do. I’ll go and have an HIV test tomorrow morning, and since I don’t have it and you don’t either, there’ll be nothing to worry about, will there?’
His words bounced off the bathroom door. I could not reply; I was so angry with him for having deposited his semen inside me without my permission, for having been so useless at putting on the sheath, for wanting to give me too much love when I hadn’t asked him for any in the first place. I hated him with all my heart, and was revolted by what had just happened.
I decided it was God’s punishment. I got into the shower, determined to eliminate every last trace of my sin.