Dead cat bored dead.
All dead boring. Mayflies, wallabies, Hottentots. Everything.
Dead cat boring self.
Same old same old.
Dead cat take a shot at living again. Can’t hurt.
Easy this time.
Dead cat borrow love from crazy human. Human slash her wrists for love of lover. Crazy human cry and mumble. Disgusting, weak, pathetic.
Too chicken to bounce.
Dead cat not chicken. Dead cat cat.
Dead cat bounce.
Love confusing, heavy. Hard to carry. Hate a whole lot easier.
Hate direct, simple
Love a lot like chasing birds. Cat leap, bird flies. Cat fall. Dead cat heavy.
Pow.
Love take cat many places. Interesting.
Closet. Dark and smelly. Nap.
Pillow. Soft. Nap.
Microwave. Hard, buzzing sound, beeping sound.
Whatever. Nap.
Bookshelf. Way way up. Nap.
Box. Cardboard. Smells good. Nap.
Lap. Nap.
Lap?
Cat is where, exactly?
Human. Woman. Asleep on couch in human dwelling. Why not cat on couch? Couch soft, warm. Why on woman? Not remember journey.
Love confusing, heavy.
Woman’s hand heavy. A little. Not bad.
Woman warm. Woman breathe. Belly in and out. Rhythm soothing. Long long time since Dead cat breathe. Lap warm. Hand warm.
Not bad.
Dead cat stay awhile.
Dead cat make odd sound. Can’t help it.
Remember it from somewhere.
Dead cat purring.
Dead cat curious, explore environment. Woman still sleeping. Slip out from under. Easy.
Environment small, three squares, twelve corners. Three doors. Floor, ceiling. In two squares dripping water. Nooks in bookshelves cat can get into. Closet cat can get into. Bed cat can sit on or hide under. Cabinet cat can get into.
If cat cares to.
Windows. Light. Humans below on street. Birds. More humans. Humans with dogs. None with cats—dead or otherwise. Many humans. Some walking. Some in small rolling environments. Environments moving fast. Birds afraid.
No wonder.
Dead cat jump in tub. Dead crazy woman slashed wrists in tub. Why? Why here? Smooth, cold. Not interesting. Dead cat jump out again, up by dripping water. Dripping water more interesting. Slightly.
Dead cat look in mirror. Mirror very interesting. Ugly cat look back. Rags, wrappings. Fur a mess. Matted, caked, dirty.
Dead cat try to spruce up a bit. Tear away wrappings. Use tongue on fur. Hard work. Neck sore, tongue sore. Cat not sure why cat doing this. Like love, confusing.
Finished.
Almost look like live cat now.
Almost.
Hear sound.
Door open. Door shut. Shut loud.
Hear man’s voice, woman’s voice. Man loud. Man angry. Woman scared.
Dead cat jump down and peer around corner. Sniff the air. Man smell funny. Like old meat. Man unsteady. Two big feet not enough for man. Needs four. Maybe then steady.
Big man loud.
Woman step back to wall. Cat step forward. Curious.
Dead cat look inside big man. Easy.
Not pretty.
Gift of hate. Empty. Live man dead inside already.
Matter of time
Woman different. Soft. Scared. Alive.
Dead cat curious. This interesting. Dead and live together, shouting.
Confusing.
Dead cat step into room. Ears alert, nose alert, tail alert, cautious.
Man see cat. Point to cat and yell at woman. Yell loud. All man does is yell. Big man boring. Woman see cat. Shake her head at man. Woman confused.
Cat from nowhere. No wonder.
Man slap woman. Slap again. Slap again. Woman cry, fall to floor. Hands on face.
Man walk to cat and try to kick.
Dead cat faster.
Bounce off wall and land and snarl. Bristle fur, arch back. Bare teeth. Hiss. Man more interesting now. Man afraid. Dead cat stalk man slow across the floor. Great big man-prey chicken.
Cat not chicken. Cat cat.
Jump or not jump?
Jump!
Dead cat climb man thigh to shoulder. Fast. Easy.
Fun.
Man scream, grab Dead cat. Dead cat cling to man, forelegs to shoulder and rear legs to belly, rear legs strong, rip, tear, claws in manflesh deep. Stare into chicken-man’s face.
Reach up. Bite man’s nose. Bite good. Bite hard, draw blood. Taste blood. Blood taste good. Man screaming loud now. That good too.
Let go. Fall to floor.
Watch man run.
Lick lips. Yum.
Hear door slam.
Silence. Woman sobbing. Dead cat trot over, rub leg.
Nuzzle. Rub other leg. Nuzzle.
Making odd sound again. Can’t help it.
Give woman love, a little. Plenty left.
Love heavy, confusing. Glad to be rid of some.
Wheredidyoucomefrom? woman says.
Name? Wheredidyoucomefrom? Maybe.
Long name.
Woman smiling, wiping eye-water. Stroking.
Good Dead Cat spruced up a bit.
Fun.
Woman feed Dead Cat dead tuna. Not hungry. Eat anyway. Give cat water. Not thirsty. Drink anyway.
Woman put box on bed, woman open it. Cat jump in. Not cardboard. Cow. Smells good. Cat scratches. Feels good.
Nononoyoucan’tgointhere, woman says.
Name? Nononoyoucan’tgointhere? Maybe.
Very long name.
Dead cat sit, watch. Woman open drawer, put things from drawer in cow box. Drawer cat could get into. If cat wanted.
Woman sad, not crazy. Not go near the bathtub. Sad, filling box. Sad when box filled, closed, snick. Cat watch.
Woman walk to closet, reach up, take out second box. Put second box on bed. Smaller box. Holes in top. Holes in sides. Metal door all holes. Broken? No. Woman open metal door. Dead cat walk over. Sniff. Smell of live cat, long ago. No cat there though. Dead cat checked.
Thisusedtobelongtomyoldcatsonya, Ialwaysmeanttogetanother, woman says. Name? No. Too long. Even humans not that stupid.
Box Dead Cat could get into. If cat wanted.
Dead Cat wants to.
Whatasmartkitty, woman says. Comeonwe’regettingoutofhere. Dead cat give her love. A little. Glad to be rid of some.
Worry about name later.
Dead cat move to place with sun, trees, grass, spiders, bees, snakes, birds, turtles, frogs, moths, fireflies, live cats, dogs.
Too many dogs. Otherwise fine.
House. Plenty places to hide. Plenty places to nap. Dead Cat still like lap though. Not bad.
Dead Cat have a name now. Beastie.
A little like Bastet. Otherwise fine.
Man show up.
Once. Dead Cat snarl, hiss, spit, stalk.
Man not show up after that. Ever.
Dead Cat watch. Watch woman grow older, old.
Dead Cat not grow older. Dead Cat dead.
Dead Cat give woman love, little at a time.
Stroke. Purr
Fun.
Love grow lighter, less confusing.
Dead Cat figure, good bounce.
~*~
You can’t swing a dead cat in my neighborhood without hitting a Starbucks, a Citibank cash machine or a double-wide stroller but a Swinging Cat’s another matter. Not many of those fellas around anymore. So when Gerard Houarner and Gak—two very Cool Cats indeed—asked me to re-reinvent one for an anthology called DEAD CATS BOUNCING, a companion volume to their way original DEAD CAT BOUNCE, I pounced.
I tried very hard to copy Gerard’s funny, quirky prose style in the story—writing in the present tense, eliminating passive verbs and prepositions, limiting adjectives and adverbs to a bare spare minimum and often stringing one-word sentences together pretty much to the goddamn breaking point.
It was an exercise in literary discipline and downright forgery I’d not attempted since trying to copy Robert Bloch’s wisecracking dark-hipster voice in the seventh grade.
I had a ball.
—JK