80

EXACTLY 11:19 IN THE MORNING,
SUNDAY, JANUARY 23RD

I am at the Special Olympics basketball tournament. There are police officers in the building. I counted three when we were walking to the court. Then two more when I was sitting on the bench waiting for the first game to start. I am okay because I knew the police officers would be here. They come to all the Special Olympics tournaments. They aren’t here to keep me safe from Gloria.

I walk onto the court with Brenda Richardson and Larry and Kayla Zadambidge. There are two partners as well. Partners are not special kids. They can keep their mouths closed when they’re thinking and can tie their own shoes. They play on the same team as the special kids but they don’t shoot baskets. So it is the six of us on Court Three against the Hamden Hornets. We are the Lee Lancers. On our banners and shirts there is a picture of a knight with a long pointy spear.

In the bleachers I see Brian. He is watching the game with Brenda Richardson’s parents and some of the other parents too. Rick is not there. I want to wave to Brian but then I see the ball go bouncing past me. Then someone yells, “Ginny!” and I see that Kayla Zadambidge is looking at me with a mad face.

Which means I got distracted again.

“Ginny, let’s keep your eyes on the ball,” says Coach Dan. He is wearing a blue-and-yellow T-shirt and a blue-and-yellow hat. My uniform is blue and yellow. Everyone on the Lee Lancers has a blue-and-yellow uniform. But the Hamden Hornets have black-and-yellow uniforms like they are bees.

“Ginny?” says Brenda Richardson.

She is standing next to me but I don’t remember how she got there. “I think you need to take the ball out.”

She is pointing to the other side of the court where I see Coach Dan. He is pointing to a spot on the ground and making a hand motion to me with his other hand. I go to see what he’s looking at and when I get there he says, “Stand here, okay?” So I do. I stand there and the referee gives me the ball. I like the referee because he always knows the rules and he has a whistle and he always wears black and white.

“Pass the ball to the player in front of you,” says Coach Dan.

“But that’s a Hamden Hornet,” I say.

“I know,” says Coach Dan. “I promise he’ll give it back.”

So I pass the ball to the player in front of me and he catches it and bounces it to me. I catch it. “Now pass the ball to one of our players!” says Coach Dan and moves away fast. So I look and I see Brenda Richardson and Larry and three players from the Hamden Hornets. I throw the ball to Larry who is in his wheelchair today. He catches it and starts to bounce and sing. I can’t hear the words.

“Get down court!” says Coach Dan. Everyone starts to run. I run with them. Then I look up to see Brian again but my eyes look in a different place on the bleachers and I see someone else.

It is Gloria.

I am confused. I don’t know why she’s here. It isn’t time for our little rendezvous yet. She is wearing a purple sweatshirt but her head is the same as the one from the parking lot. Plus there is a little girl sitting next to her. A little girl with long brown hair. She is shorter than I was when I was nine years old but I’m guessing her eyes are green even though I can’t see them from so far away.

Which means I have been replaced.

Gloria got an Other Ginny. Or Another Ginny. I don’t know which. I don’t know if the Other Ginny is adopted or if she was hiding someplace in the apartment or if she is a ghost.

Gloria stands up. She waves at me slowly and with no noise. Back and forth, back and forth. She gives me the thumbs-up and then waves some more.

The Other Ginny just sits there. Not moving. I’m guessing she has nothing inside her to say. I’m guessing she is an empty girl. A girl with a face I don’t know.

Gloria looks down and puts her hand on the girl’s head. Then Gloria points at me. The Other Ginny stands up with her and Gloria puts her arm around her shoulders. Gloria points at me again and then they both wave. Slowly so that no one will hear them.

I start to hyperventilate. Which means breathing too fast. Because I am angry. Because I want to get the Other Ginny’s eyes so she can’t look at me. Because I have been replaced which is what happens when your old earbuds are broken and you get new ones and throw the first ones out.

Someone yells my name.

I look around but I don’t want to see who it is. People run past me. I look back at Gloria and the Other Ginny to see what they’ll do next. I don’t see them at first but when I finally find them Gloria puts her finger in front of her lips. That means she wants me to be quiet. She did that once when Donald came out of the bathroom yelling bad words. I was behind the couch and when Gloria saw me she put her finger in front of her mouth so I was quiet and she started yelling and then Donald beat the hell out of her instead of me and then—

“Ginny!” someone else yells again and before I see who it is I get knocked over. By Brenda Richardson and some people I don’t know. There are lots of sneakers and legs and arms on top of me and I try to push them away but I can’t. Finally they get off and I roll over and fix my glasses and stand and try to see where Gloria is. I see her again. I start to put my hand up to wave but then I clamp it over my mouth instead.

“Ginny?” says Coach Dan. I don’t see him but when I turn around there he is. “Are you all right?” he says.

I nod my head yes. When I look back up into the stands I see that Gloria and the Other Ginny are walking down the bleachers toward the floor.

“Ginny, why don’t you take a break?” says Coach Dan. “Go have a seat on the bench. We’ll put you in a little later when you’re feeling better. Have some water and maybe go to the bathroom.”

The bathroom. That is where Gloria is going, I’m guessing. She is going to the bathroom because that is where she used to meet me when we were in a supermarket or a store or a place where she had to talk with her dealer. If you lose track of me, go to the bathroom, she used to say. She wants me to go there now, I’m guessing. I will go see her. I will ask her where my Baby Doll is. I will tell her she has to feed it more because it’s losing weight. If it’s out in the parking lot I’ll run out there and take it.

I make my hands into tight, tight fists. I have to be strong.

There are a lot of people walking around in the gym. I walk between them and around them and I am not going in a straight line but I will be okay because my brain remembers where it is bringing me.

When I get to the bathroom I go right in. I see four white sinks and six green bathroom stalls and some ladies who I don’t know. I don’t see Gloria or the Other Ginny. I look and I look but they are not here. So I leave the bathroom and walk back out into the hallway and someone says my name.

I look. I still see lots of people but I don’t see who called me.

“Ginny?” the voice calls again.

It is a small voice. I turn and look. A little girl is standing far away next to a popcorn machine. She has hair that looks just like mine used to look. Her eyes are green.

It is the Other Ginny.

I’m guessing she’s mostly in kindergarten or in first grade. She is small enough to make an acorn out of construction paper and to paste her picture on it to put on a bulletin board. She is too small for me to be mad at. Even if she replaced me I don’t want to get her eyes out like Michelle Whipple’s.

The Other Ginny starts walking. Toward me. Closer and closer.

When she gets to me she smiles.

She isn’t teasing or making fun. She is in front of me just smiling. Then I see that she’s holding something in her hand. She holds it up for me to see.

It is a picture of me when I was nine years old. In it I am holding my Baby Doll.

I want to grab it. I want to put it near my eyes and look and look and look. I want to see my Baby Doll’s tiny face and hands but the Other Ginny takes the picture away and runs back the way she came. She moves out of people’s way like a squirrel or a cat. She runs down the hall and ducks and then stops. And looks back at me. She is standing next to the popcorn machine again.

With Gloria.

I don’t hear any sound at all. The ground is flat and hard under my feet. It is like I am standing on the back of a giant equal sign even though I can’t see it. So I take a step toward them. Gloria looks at me and puts her finger in front of her mouth. I want to yell What are you doing here? You should be taking care of my Baby Doll! but no sound comes out. I try again but I can’t talk. So instead I start walking toward them. Fast.

A police officer walks in front of me. I recoil. He crouches down next to me and asks if I’m all right. With my eyes closed I nod my head yes. He asks if I need help. I shake my head no. He stands up and says he’s sorry and asks if I know where I’m supposed to be. I nod my head yes again. He asks if I need help getting back to the game. I shake my head no. Then he says again that he’s sorry that he startled me. He wishes me good luck and walks away.

I look back to where Gloria was standing with the Other Ginny. She is gone. I look in every direction. I look at the doorway to the bathroom. I look at the exit sign.

The exit sign.

I run to it. I push past two people coming in and run outside into the parking lot. I slip on slushy ice but someone catches me. “Sorry,” I say in a quiet voice. Because it is freezing and the cold makes it hard to talk. I don’t have my coat or boots but I don’t care. I look across the sidewalk at all the cars in the parking lot. I look hard to find Gloria or the Other Ginny or the Green Car but I don’t see them.

Which means I am alone again. I am fourteen years old and still on the wrong side of the equal sign.

My hands are shaking and I am breathing fast because Gloria was here with another Ginny and neither of them had my Baby Doll but the Other Ginny had a picture of her. And of me. The Other Ginny smiled and showed me the picture but she didn’t let me have it. But where did they put my Baby Doll? Did they leave it in the car while they came inside?

Then I wonder if maybe Gloria is still in the building. Maybe she didn’t come out to the parking lot. I go back in.

Steam covers my glasses. I wipe them on my shirt and put them back on. I look and look but I don’t see Gloria or the Other Ginny anywhere.

“Hey there, Ginny,” someone says.

I look. Maura is coming toward me from down the hallway. Pushing a baby stroller. People move out of her way.

“I didn’t know if Wendy’s schedule would let us come, so I didn’t say anything,” she says, “but we really wanted to see you play. What are you doing out here? Is the first game over already?”

I look behind her. I look back at the exit sign. I look behind me and at the bathroom again.

“Ginny? Is the game over?”

“No,” I say.

“That’s great! Why don’t you walk me to the bleachers to find Brian? Wendy and I will stay as long as we possibly can.”

I look at Baby Wendy and grab my hair. I take three deep breaths just like Patrice taught me to do and then start walking back to the court. Maura follows me with the stroller. When I get there I see Brian. He is next to the bench holding out my water bottle. He waves to Maura and Baby Wendy.

“Here you go, Ginny,” he says. “Have some water. That was quite a fall you took! What happened out there?”

“I don’t know,” I say.

“Did you get confused?”

“Yes,” I say and look back up to where Gloria and the Other Ginny were sitting. The space is empty. I wonder if she saw Maura and decided to leave. Or if she got scared by the police.

“Hey, Ginny. Are you ready to play again?” says Coach Dan’s voice. I look up. He is standing with me and Maura and Brian. “Alison came in when you left, but Brenda is ready for a break. What do you say?”

I know that I look like a cave girl. I know that my mouth is open and my head is down and that I am thinking. I am not interacting. I am withdrawing. That’s what Patrice says. She says I withdraw when I am upset and that I don’t think of anything when I withdraw but what I’m really doing is thinking really, really hard.

Someone says, “Ginny, let’s go sit down in the stands. Did you hurt your head when you fell?”

Someone else’s voice says, “Come with us and take a break. You’ve done a great job so far. You’ve made your dad and sister and me really proud.”

It is Maura. She is talking to me. About Brian and Baby Wendy.

I shake my head no. “I want to play,” I say.

“You do?” says Brian.

I look at the numbers on my watch and nod my head yes. “I want to play basketball with the Lee Lancers. I want to help us win.” Even though there is no us. There is only them. I stole three cell phones from people on the team and I don’t care about Larry at all. I made Mrs. Wake go away at school and made Crystal with a C go to jail. And now Brian and Maura might send me away to Saint Genevieve’s Home for Girls Who Aren’t Safe. I have been replaced by a new Ginny. I am (-Ginny) and I don’t belong anywhere. I’m not allowed to be part of something but I still want to win. At anything. Just once.

Coach Dan looks in my eyes and asks me to follow his finger. I follow it. I growl a little like a Maine coon and then he does a shoulder shrug and says, “She looks fine to me. It’s all up to you.”

“It’s all up to you,” I say as well because this is like part of a movie. Only I don’t remember the name. It might be Teen Wolf or The Empire Strikes Back or High School Musical.

They let me play.