A Ritual to Honor
Your Family in Spirit
One of the things I regretted after my grandma Dorrie passed away was that our mega-social family never held a party just to thank my grandma and Great-Aunt Norah and their siblings for all they had done for us and all the happy times they created.
In his book Never Say Goodbye, psychic Patrick Mathews says that even after loved ones die, we still have a relationship with them. The relationship changes, but it doesn’t disappear. I’m pretty good at chatting with my grandma Dorrie and her siblings, especially Norah and Nellie, who I knew best, and my Montana grandparents, Dylan, Leon, and any other friendly spirit when I need their help or think they may have stopped by to visit. But I got the idea of doing something a little more formal to connect with my family in spirit when I read about a ritual called the Dumb Supper. It’s a rite many cultures use to honor the dead. Held on Halloween, it’s a solemn and silent affair in which the table is draped in black, and a plate is set for the deceased person. As cool and powerful as this ritual sounds, it didn’t seem like a good fit for the happy, buzzy energy that characterizes our family parties. But it gave me an idea.
I put together an invitation and mailed it to all our Irish family relatives. Here’s what it said:
All Souls’ Day Eve Remembrance
and Storytelling Circle
Share stories, dreams, visits, transcendent experiences,
and remembrances of family and friends in spirit.
We gathered at 7 pm at my house. I put a candleholder that I call the storyteller candle on my table. My girlfriend Becky gave me this candleholder. It’s a clay sculpture with faces carved in a circle. A tea light sits on a pedestal in the middle and casts flickering light on the faces. Everyone brought photographs or mementos and set them on the table. As we were setting things up, people spontaneously shared stories and admired family pictures they hadn’t seen before.
We poured beverages and went into the living room. Sitting in a circle, we toasted our family and friends in spirit, thanking them for the love they showed us and the lessons we learned from them. Then we started telling stories. It was here that I learned some of the events of my great-grandma Maggie’s life that appear in this book. After laughing and crying together, we gathered in the kitchen to eat and visit some more before people left for home. This wasn’t an attempt to try to contact our family in spirit (although I think that’s cool, too). We knew they were already present and part of the celebration.
Afterward, I decided the only things I would do differently in the future would be to have some music or singing as part of the celebration, and better lighting, since a few of my aunts and cousins had a hard time seeing the pictures in the dramatic, subdued lighting. Overall, I think it was a powerful and moving way to remember and honor our family on the other side. What’s important, if you decide to hold a remembrance celebration, is to work with your family’s style and traditions, incorporating the elements that feel familiar and right to you.