I remember seeing girls crying in the bathroom every Monday about what they did that weekend. I never wanted to be that girl . . .
—TAYLOR SWIFT
GETTING THROUGH YOUR LIFE
on her car that reads F— HAPPINESS. Really, she has nothing against happiness, but she believes it’s harmful that we’re so often told that the goal of life is happiness, because that sets us up for unhappiness. If we think we’re supposed to be happy all the time, we can feel like failures when we’re sad or anxious or bored. Ironically, learning that life is hard—sometimes really hard—makes life easier. We can enjoy the good times but know that hard times are okay, too. People sometimes feel sad, stressed, anxious, and depressed. That’s just the way it is, and it’s okay; part of fully experiencing life is fully experiencing the range of life—the good and the bad.
We’re affected by what’s going on inside us and outside us. You have your own worries, insecurities, self-doubt, and fear. Some of us have the kinds of psychological problems we’ve talked about. (Nic and David both have bipolar disorder.) Your parents’ troubles probably have an impact on you, and so might your friends’ difficulties. Your feelings of being alone, different, weird, or otherwise unacceptable—those feelings are nearly universal. It might look as if your peers are always happy, but everyone has ups and downs, insecurities, and distressing thoughts. The writer Anne Lamott says, “Try not to compare your insides with other people’s outsides.” Or as Nic says, “As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. What others say is irrelevant. You have to know who you are.”
When you have a problem, the first piece of advice we have is talk to someone. Problems you hide don’t usually get better—they get worse. Who do you talk to? Your parents or other responsible adults in your life, if you can. If you feel you can’t talk to a parent, there are many others who can help, including other relatives, school counselors, teachers, school nurses, doctors, and friends.
One high school student said that every day she would come home from school and feel like she was going to explode. “As soon as I got inside, my mom would be on me, asking me all about my day, when I just wanted to go in my room and listen to music and unwind.”
Finally, she asked her mother to give her some time to chill out when she gets home—time to be alone without questions or a list of things to do. Things still aren’t perfect, but the conversation helped.
Another girl said that her mother was always on her case about having more friends. But she’s extremely shy, and socializing is hard for her—“It’s just who I am.” Her mother’s pressure made it much worse, she said, because not only did she have to try to deal with her shyness—the isolation and loneliness she felt at school—but she also had to feel bad about disappointing her mother.
Eventually, she spoke to a school counselor about it, and the counselor suggested she tell her mother how she felt. But the girl didn’t feel comfortable talking to her mother. “My mother was shy when she was a kid and hated being a teenager,” she said. “She wants to protect me. It’s like she’s reliving high school through me.”
She began seeing the counselor, who gave her books to read (the girl loved one called Quiet by Susan Cain), helping her accept and even value her shyness. The counselor encouraged her to enroll in a group for kids with social anxiety. Things improved.
Another high school girl said that she needed an alternative for weekend nights, because she felt terrible when she’d go to parties and everyone was getting drunk and stoned, but she also feel terrible if she stayed home and heard about other kids partying without her.
The art teacher at the girl’s school kept the art room open one night a week, so she started going there instead of to parties or staying home. She sees other kids she likes there, and they have more in common.
“I don’t think I would have made it through the year without art night,” she says. If your school doesn’t have an art night, or whatever might be fun for you (science, sports, or movie-watching nights), maybe a community organization does. If not, consider talking to other students or teachers and counselors and starting one.
Some kids have to deal with problems that are even more obvious and extreme: suicidal thoughts, poverty, self-harm (cutting, burning), sexual or physical abuse, or other violence in the family. And we already mentioned a wide range of psychological problems teens may suffer from. Help is available for kids suffering in these circumstances, too. It’s critical that you talk to someone if any of these situations apply to you. See someone immediately or call a suicide help line if you have suicidal thoughts. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and it’s true. Problems that seem unsolvable can be solved. Feelings of hopelessness usually don’t last. Help is available.
FOMO
FOMO—fear of missing out—is real, and can depress kids or cause anxiety—in some cases, intense anxiety. Writing for Slate, Jessica Winter reports research that proves social media has a dramatic impact on our state of mind and self-esteem. She cites research that “your ‘passive consumption’ of your friends’ feeds . . . correlate[s] with feelings of loneliness and even depression.”
Winter tells about a study that showed that “‘passive following’ on Facebook triggers states of envy and resentment in many users.” And she says that Instagram can be even worse, quoting researcher Hanna Krasnova, who has defined what she calls an “envy spiral.” Krasnova says, “If you see beautiful photos of your friend on Instagram . . . one way to compensate is to self-present with even better photos, and then your friend sees your photos and posts even better photos, and so on. Self-promotion triggers more self-promotion, and the world on social media gets further and further from reality . . .”
We’ve seen that stress and anxiety can lead to drug use. Given this, it’s worth paying attention to how social media makes you feel. Do Facebook, Instagram, or other apps and websites ever make you feel lonely, angry, or envious? Can you see how they might impact your self-esteem and add to the stress and anxiety you feel?
While sometimes professional help is necessary, there are ways people can help themselves to relieve stress. We mentioned that high-pressure sports and similar activities can add stress, but sports and exercise can relieve it, too. Exercise, especially, not only decreases stress, but also ignites a blast of neurotransmitters and other chemicals (among the most powerful are endorphins) that can ease pain and cause pleasure, much the way drugs do. Studies have shown that teenagers who exercise daily were 40 percent less likely to try marijuana than teenagers who don’t, and there have also been studies showing that exercise helps with depression and anxiety.
Exercise, including team and individual sports, can relieve stress and provide natural ways to feel high—to get the blast of those feel-good chemicals. So can other activities, including music, dance, journaling, yoga, and camping, and intense experiences like mountain climbing, skiing and snowboarding, skateboarding, motocross, and many others. They can reduce anxiety and depression and offer an intense rush.
Activities like those can connect you with other people, and that connection can help with stress too. You may also find kids with whom you share interests in afterschool and weekend programs, clubs, and community service organizations and at places like YMCAs, Girls and Boys Clubs, and other gathering places in your community.
Meditation, sometimes called mindfulness, is increasingly popular among teenagers, and studies have shown that it can lower stress, anxiety, and depression. (Another benefit: One study showed that students who meditate before taking tests do better than those who don’t!) Many schools now offer meditation, or you can meditate on your own. Even five minutes of meditation in the morning, after school, or in the evening before bed can have a profound impact on how you feel. We suggest that you try it a few times and see what effect it has.
Meditation, exercise, connection with others, and other activities can help with stress. They don’t work for everyone, though. In some cases, it’s just not enough. Intense and long-lasting stress can be related to problems that require the help of professionals. We said it before, but we’ll say it again: Ask for help if you need it.
How to Meditate
Meditation is simple. It’s a great way to start or end the day or to unwind after school. It’s been shown to reduce stress, depression, and anxiety. There are many ways to meditate. Free apps can guide you. Two we’ve used are “Stop, Breathe & Think” and “Smiling Mind.”
Here’s a simple meditation you can try.
After school or before bed, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Sit on the ground or in a chair. Set a timer—try five minutes at first. If you like it, you can try longer periods.
Sit with your back straight and close your eyes. Take a couple of deep breaths to settle.
Notice your breathing. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, and focus on the air flowing in. Feel your lungs inflating, your ribs expanding, and your body being filled with air.
Exhale slowly.
As you exhale, focus on the air leaving your body.
Your mind will probably wander. That’s normal. When you notice that it’s wandered, turn your attention back to your breathing and let your thoughts dissolve away.
You shouldn’t worry that thoughts are creeping in and distracting you. Just notice them and then bring your thoughts back to your breathing. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
Continue to follow your breath as it flows in and then out. Each time you become distracted or your mind wanders, bring it back to your breathing.
Sit, breathe, and enjoy the stillness.
That’s all there is to it.
WEAN OFF
with positive activities and peer groups help, research has shown that computer time can hurt. In a study of a thousand kids between ages twelve and seventeen, those who spent a lot of time on social media were five times more likely to report using tobacco, three times more likely to use alcohol, and twice as likely to admit smoking pot than those who spent minimal time online.
Another study showed that kids who were heavy gamers (those who played for thirty hours a week) were more likely to use drugs than moderate players (those who played for under nineteen hours a week). They were also more likely to be depressed, anxious, and have social phobias, all of which can contribute to drug use.
This doesn’t mean you need to take down your Instagram account or stop Snapchatting or playing video games. You just may want to be aware of how the time you spend online affects your moods. Shut things down occasionally. If you have a phone, switch it off for a few hours each evening. Set yourself a time limit for video games. Try it. See if you feel better.
Whatever you’re doing that keeps you up at night—chatting online, watching YouTube videos, doing homework, listening to music—you should also know that sleep-deprived kids have a higher risk of using than those who get a full night’s sleep. Experts recommend nine hours of sleep for teenagers, which can sound impossible at a time when you have afterschool sports and several hours of homework, spend hours on the web or texting, and then wake up for school at seven or earlier. But keeping a reasonable bedtime can help you feel better. Not only are teens who get enough sleep less likely to use drugs, but they also report feeling better and less stressed.
MAKE A
to do drugs or not in a more direct way? If you enter a room with a bunch of people smoking pot and you’re offered a joint, you have two options: saying yes or saying no.
In that charged situation, you might go for it only because you feel pressured to. You may want to develop strategies in advance for getting through a night without using. In life, too, the skill of defining your boundaries, based on your goals for yourself, is a critical one. Many of us are socialized to please people. Learning to say no can be challenging, but it will serve you for the rest of your life.
Practice with your parents, other adults, or even like-minded friends. According to researchers who have tested numerous approaches, kids who practice certain tricks are better able to resist peer pressure than those who haven’t prepared in advance.
Kids have told us about many ways they’ve learned to go to parties but not drink or use. Some kids tell their friends they’re allergic or that they can’t use because addiction runs in their families.
One boy we talked to felt like he either had to go to parties and join in or stay home and feel isolated and out of it. But then a teacher recommended an alternative. Now he grabs a beer, takes it to the bathroom, pours it out, fills the can with water, and nurses it, refilling it as needed. “No one knows,” he says, “and I don’t have to feel like the only straight one too uptight to drink.”
You can do other things, as well. In a roundtable conversation, a boy mentioned telling his friends that his parents are drug-testing him even though they aren’t. “They’re cool about it,” he says. “No one’s ever hassled me or said, like, ‘Hey, come on, you can just have a hit of weed. Just one hit.’”
Kids who need help getting out of a situation but who worry about standing out or being ostracized for abstaining can call or text their parents or other adult with a preplanned “get me out of here” message that contains a code word. Parents see the code word (say, a relative’s name or a day of the week) and, as planned, call you and tell you that you have to come home for whatever reason—a family emergency, an early appointment the next day. You can hang up and complain about your parents, and meanwhile your parents are on their way to pick you up.
Nic
For me, I don’t think my drinking and using had much to do with peer pressure. I mean, no one ever pressured me into doing drugs. Although I definitely wanted to be cool, and I worried intensely about what other people thought of me. I guess the pressure came more from myself than from anyone else. But what I didn’t understand is that each of us is the center of our own universe. Everything we see, hear, feel, experience, is processed through our own consciousness. So we feel like everything that happens to us is the most important thing in the world—and in a way, it is, to us. But for everyone else, well, they’re experiencing the same thing. So they’re the center of their own universe, as well, and they’re thinking about all the things that are happening to them. When they lie awake at night, they’re not worrying about what other people did or didn’t do. They’re thinking about what they did or didn’t do.
I used to worry what people would think if I was at a party and someone offered me a joint and I said no. Now I understand that the only person who would ever even think about that again is me.
Kids have told us other things work for them. They volunteer to be the designated driver. It doesn’t come off as an excuse; in fact, your friends will probably be appreciative. A boy explained that he doesn’t say anything if he’s handed a joint. He just passes it on. “It’s not like anyone cares,” he said. “If someone noticed, I’d just say ‘I’m not in the mood,’ or ‘I’m not into it.’” A girl said she always goes to parties with at least one friend who’s not into using—it makes saying no easier. More than one person told us that they thought they’d be ostracized if they chose not to get high when others were, but it never happened. We were visiting a school in New York City where a boy, a high school junior, said, “Being afraid that I’d look like a loser if I didn’t want to get high was the worst part, but it didn’t turn out to be a big deal. No one ever pressures me.”
IT TAKES A COMMUNITY
a friend who’s using. They’re worried, but they’re afraid of getting their friend in trouble and making them angry. It’s really a hard position to be in, but a girl at a high school event summed up the most important consideration. She said she was in a situation where a friend was getting high more and more, and she was worried. Her friend once passed out at a party, and she sat with her to make sure she was all right. She worried about talking to her friend, but finally she did. Her friend didn’t stop, and the girl decided to go to her friend’s mother. She said, “I felt really bad, but I kept thinking how much worse I’d feel if something terrible happened.”
Her friend did get angry, but the girl explained why she’d done it. She said she cared too much to let her pass out when she wasn’t around and “get assaulted by some guy or end up in the hospital.” A month or so later, when her friend was getting help for her drug use, she thanked her.
How do you know if a friend has a drug or drinking problem, and what do you do? Take a look at the list on this page for some ideas. (Later in this book there’s a self-test to evaluate whether you might have a drug problem.) As scary as it can be to say something to a friend or tell an adult about your suspicions, it would be worse if they harmed themselves or someone else and you hadn’t said anything. We hear so many stories from kids who wish they’d done something when they still had the chance.
It’s not your responsibility to choose what your friends do. You can’t. It’s not your responsibility to save them from harm. Again, you can’t. It’s only your responsibility to try—to try to get them to ask for help or to tell someone who can help them.
How Do You Know If a Friend Has a Problem with Drugs or Alcohol?
ASK YOURSELF IF YOUR FRIEND:
Gets drunk or high on a regular basis.
Drinks or uses drugs when alone.
Shows up at school drunk or high or has skipped class to use.
Needs drugs or alcohol to have a good time or cope with everyday life.
Plans for drug use in advance.
Starts hanging out with new friends who do drugs.
Lies about drug use.
Pressures others to use drugs.
Has broken plans, or shown up late, because of getting or being drunk or high.
Shows little interest in or quits sports or activities that they once enjoyed.
Has driven a car while drunk or high.
Borrows or steals money to buy drugs or alcohol.
Has passed out.
Has been the victim of sexual assault (including acquaintance rape) due to alcohol or drugs.
Has been arrested, or otherwise been in dangerous situations, due to alcohol or drugs.
What to Say and Do If You’re Worried About a Friend’s Drug Use
Just telling your friend that you’re concerned can be a big help. Know, though, your friend may not want to talk about it, and the effects that drugs have on the brain may keep him or her from “hearing” you or acting on your advice.
Know that it is never easy for anyone to admit that they have a drug problem. You will need to be patient—and not give up easily. One day or time a person may not be open to talking, but another time they may feel differently.
Listen, encourage, share, and support. Sounds easy, right? But it’s so hard.
Assure your friend you are there for her and that she is not alone. People with drug problems often have gotten in with the wrong crowd—and they don’t want to turn away from these so-called friends for fear of being alone.
Suggest that he or she speak to a trusted adult who will keep it confidential. Maybe there’s a family friend who could help. Maybe you know of a school counselor or sympathetic teacher.
Immediately tell someone if the problem looks to be too big for you to handle alone. Tell a parent, counselor, teacher, or another adult.
In any life-threatening situation—someone has overdosed, someone seems suicidal—call 911.
Understand that if your friend is suffering from addiction, they have a brain disease. Just like you wouldn’t expect someone with cancer to be able to heal herself without the help of a doctor, the right treatment, and support from family and friends, you can’t expect your friend to heal herself. Again, talk to them, and if they aren’t open to getting help, talk to someone else.
And take care of yourself. It’s tough having a friend with addiction issues. So, if you need some support, talk to a school counselor. Get help finding a therapist or check out an Alateen, a support group for young people dealing with a family member’s or friend’s addiction. (Meetings are listed online at www.alanonalateen.org.) If there aren’t Alateen meetings where you live, there may be support groups. A counselor can help you find one.
FINDING HELP,
they’re dealing with: bullying, gang violence, questions of sexual orientation and health, self-harm, gender and cultural identity, stress, poverty, violence at home, and much more. When parents can’t help, some schools have programs in place to help with some of these issues. At the least, many have counselors.
One way some schools help students is with peer-counseling programs. It can be easier for some kids to talk with one another than to adults about certain things in their lives. “Adults are always trying to solve our problems,” said Teri, a high school sophomore. “We need someone to listen. And there’s a bond when we see each other during school. Someone who knows you and appreciates you.”
With the permission of everyone in the group, we visited a peer-counseling session at a school in California. It was remarkable—it made us wish we had peer counseling when we were in high school.
Students were open about a range of issues. A girl was being pressured to have sex by her boyfriend. Another girl said, “That’s been happening to me, too.” They talked about it, and others in the group weighed in. A boy, a junior, talked about the pressure he was getting from home about college; he got a B in a class and his parents were “freaking out.” There was a lot of talk about a party held the previous weekend where kids played beer pong and were shooting tequila. With obvious sarcasm, a girl said, “Some of us weren’t invited.” It led to a conversation about cliques—who was in, who wasn’t. A girl said she saw pictures of the party posted on Facebook. “There was a moment when I felt bad—like I was this loser. But actually the pictures made me glad I wasn’t invited. Everyone was wasted. Hooking up. Gross.”
Some peer-counseling groups are open to any student who wants to come. Others are closed, possibly focusing on one issue or, to make it feel safer for some kids, limited to girls, boys, LGBTQIA+ students, or other groups. Peer counselors are trained to talk to and advise one another. A senior who’d been trained to lead peer-counseling sessions at the California school said, “I did it to help other kids, because I related to how hard and lonely it can be from when I was younger. I didn’t plan for how much it would help me, too.”
If your school doesn’t offer peer counseling, consider starting a program—there may be a teacher or counselor who can help. There are websites that explain how peer counseling works—some are listed in the back of this book.
HELP
have to navigate, but some don’t. Some kids have parents they can discuss drugs, sex, and other concerns with, and some don’t. Some kids, of course, don’t have parents at all. And some kids act more like the parents in the family, making it tough for them to confide in the adults in their lives.
Kids are often afraid to say anything negative about their families, because they’re afraid they won’t be believed or they’ll get in trouble. And some families create an environment where it’s considered a betrayal to bring “family business” to outsiders. As hard as it may feel to seek help from others in that case, it’s important to remember that healthy family situations don’t need to be kept secret.
The point is that sometimes a good counselor or therapist is needed to make a family stronger and healthier. They can help kids talk about their worries with their parents. They can also help parents with substance-abuse issues, problems with anger, and difficulties coping with life events such as divorce, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or mental or physical illness.
Some kids have said that they were terrified of telling their parents about their worries, or maybe telling them that they were thinking of trying drugs, were tempted to try them, or had tried them. They thought they’d get in trouble.
When they finally did tell their parents, though, they were often surprised by the reaction. Sometimes the parents were less angry than they expected. Sometimes they were helpful and even grateful that their children had opened up to them. Sometimes parents shared their own stories, which let the teens know that they weren’t alone and that some thoughts and feelings, frustrations and fears, were the same for their parents and probably for their grandparents, too. It’s important to remember that every family is different, and conversations that are possible in some may not be possible in others—kids may feel that it’s not safe to bring up some subjects. But especially when they’re going through a difficult time, it’s important for kids to talk to someone.
