Getting close to Temecula Valley with Christian in my passenger seat, I’m a ball of knots that Nala would spend hours rolling around with and biting. Just like her endless efforts to get to the center of a toy filled with catnip, my core won’t be revealed—at least not today. This area will be new to both of us on this sunny, seventy-five-degree, California day.
“I gotta say, Tone Tone…”—Christian looks away from me, through his side window—“I knew this place was far, but this is really far.”
What a great start. “It’s not so bad.” I grip the steering wheel tighter.
Christian lays his hand on my lap and fiddles with the frayed strips of my cut-off jean shorts. “Tad and I plan to meet this week anyway. It was the first opening he had since we had to reschedule when I was sick.”
I barely process the second statement because I’m stuck on the word anyway. So, even though he came with me today, his mind is still closed to this option. But instead of starting the day with an argument, I swallow any disappointment and simply respond, “Oh, that’s good.”
“He’s a busy man. Business must be booming.”
“Uh-huh.”
Christian takes back his hand. “So, how’s your practicing going? I still can’t believe you made it this far this time. Not that you aren’t outstanding. You are. You know what I mean.”
His fumbling makes me wonder if he’s picking up on my lack of enthusiasm about Tad. Did those allergies knock some sense into him to pay attention to me?
“It’s going well.” I open my mouth to continue, but he cuts me off.
“I had no doubt. Too bad I haven’t been around much to hear you play, since I have a pile of work to catch up on from being out sick.”
“I don’t need an audience at home, so don’t worry.” I giggle to expel some of those knots inside of me.
“Well, as I told you already, I’m proud of you.”
Who is this fully supportive man, and what have you done with my husband? I look around for aliens. That must be it—not the allergies, aliens. We are in the desert…
“Thanks, babe. I guess I’m not taking it as seriously as I would’ve in the past because I don’t want to get my hopes up.” And I have no idea what to do if I get a spot. “That’s what’s worked so far.”
“Maybe this vineyard idea is helping lead you back to the career you always wanted, the one that’s right for you.”
My fists tighten again. “We’ll see. I obviously feel a little torn now. I mean, look at what we’re doing today. What you’re doing next week with Tad.” As soon as I point out what should be obvious, I see wine country on the horizon. The rows of bright-green vineyards upon vineyards expose themselves in uniform allure over the brown soil, cradled by the comfort of the multi-colored mountains at their back, against the cloudless blue sky. Prosperous grapes beam in harvest season under the glistening sun, some shaded as needed by their leafy neighbors. I should stop the car, run over, and kiss them.
“We aren’t sure about anything right now. Numbers will have to be crunched, and we need to cross all our T’s and dot all our I’s before making any moves. You can’t just make things easy and do what you always have.”
There’s my husband—forget the aliens. This constant reminder that somehow his say is the final word and I’m foolish for dreaming is getting old—quick.
He continues, “And if you get into the philharmonic, how could you even think about any other choice but saying yes? You’d just be stupid.”
Keep it together, Toni, at least today. Nobody wants to be hours away from home in a fight. Talk about a long ride back. Plus, I need him to see the area like I do—full of promise.
“Pull in there.” Christian points to Little Street Wines.
Crap. I was planning on visiting wineries I didn’t visit with David. I’m the one driving, so I don’t have to take us there anyway. Anyway.
“Why don’t we go to that one?” I motion toward the other side of the road, where David and I didn’t get to last time. We said we’d work our way up one side then down the other another day. Not all of them can be visited in a day—I’d be in the hospital from alcohol poisoning. But today can be the day the other side of the road gets a visit.
“I’d like to go there, though. It looks nice. Come on, turn.”
I’ll follow his wishes and lose this battle—but I have to win the war. And he put on his cute voice, cuing an automatic soft spot, so I turn into Little Street Wines and say, “Alright.” Yet, I hope Gio is off today.
Parking in the same spot as David did a few weeks ago, I have a sense of déjà vu. That would make sense if it felt related to my last stopover, but there’s another layer of depth I can’t put my finger on. Hmm, just nerves, I guess. Stress can do a number on someone.
Christian holds open the front door for me, and as soon as I enter the winery’s tasting room, the clean oak smell hits my nostrils in charming harmony once again. The vision of the shimmering bottles on barrels that may have made that wine inside them and the bright wall of merchandise makes my heart pound in vast contrast to moments ago. But then I see Gio, and the symphony halts.
He looks directly at us and smiles.
I glance down, turn around, and give it one last shot. Whispering in this echo-prone room, I beg, “Christian, there isn’t much happening here. Let’s go to another winery, okay?”
“No, this is great.” He walks past me. “We’re staying.”
I slowly turn back around and see him at the counter already. Maybe Gio won’t remember me. He meets gobs of people. Yeah, this is all worry for nothing. It’s fine. Everything will be A-OK.
Gio moves toward Christian after talking with other tasters. “Welcome, you two.” He focuses on me as if placing my face.
“Hello, sir. What’s good here?” Christian brings the menu closer to him from the other side of the counter.
“Hi,” I mutter and force a smile as I approach the bullseye.
“Everything,” Gio responds with a laugh. “You can’t go wrong no matter what you choose. We’re known for our reds, though.”
I hold my head down and pretend to study the menu.
“Don’t I know you?” Gio asks.
Remember the happy heartbeat? Now it’s running at a million miles an hour and is ready to escape my body, just as I wish I could from this room.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe.” I grin and look up from my bowed head.
“Yes, you came in a little while ago, didn’t you? I never forget a face.” Gio places his elbows on the counter and leans toward me. “You and your friend came in.”
The jig is up.
“Oh, yes, that’s right.” I palm my forehead and laugh, then slowly turn to Christian.
“I knew it! Welcome back. Remember, I’m Gio? Good to see ya again.”
“Yes, and I’m Toni.”
“I’m confused,” Christian adds.
How can I still hide the truth? Damn it, Gio. Don’t you ever take the day off?
“I, uh, didn’t want to upset you, babe, but David and I visited last month. I wanted to check it out before dragging you here. I know how you value your downtime.” My voice is light and breezy. No big deal, Christian. Just David—the newly single man you have no issues with—and I visited an area you had no concern with for being far from home to start a business you’re fully encouraging. No biggie.
“I’ll leave you two alone a few minutes.” Gio dips into the back room.
“You came here with David?” His voice echoes throughout the tasting room.
Let me reiterate. “I didn’t want to bother you when I didn’t know what the area was like here to begin with, so I was saving you time.” Kinda, not really. Ugh.
“Toni,” his voice grows louder, and I notice the couple behind him at the counter, staring. “I can’t believe you.” He stomps to the door and leaves.
My eyes meet those of the couple, alternating between them, and I sigh. How embarrassing. There’s no need to make a scene, even though I know I hurt him and never want to do that. Toni, you’ve really messed up this time.
Gio enters the tasting room once again. “I’m sorry if I caused any problems. That’s the last thing I ever want to do.”
“It’s not your fault. I should’ve been honest, but it’s complicated. Hopefully we’ll be back. Thanks, though.” I make my way to leave as well.
“See you, Toni. Try to have a good day.”
I turn around and half-heartedly smile.
When I leave the winery, Christian is at the car, leaning against the passenger side.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His angry tone has faded a notch, and his tilted head and tight, pouting mouth tell a new story.
I’ve really hurt him. What a horrible person, a horrible wife. But I seriously just wanted to see if it was even worth the fight for this place. And fortunately, or unfortunately, it is.
“I told you why already, babe.” The words trickle out of my mouth.
“But you could have told me you were coming, even if you didn’t think I’d want to come. And with David of all people.” He throws his hands in the air like forfeiting a game I didn’t know we were in. “I don’t want you being friends with him anymore! I told you that.”
“Oh, stop it with this David business.” I cross my arms as I stand squarely in front of him. Restricting who I choose as friends is over the line, and despite any pain I caused him with viewing Temecula Valley, that demand will never be acceptable.
“I will not stop it. He doesn’t have the virtuous intentions you think he does.”
My mind flashes to those awkward times I’ve picked up on recently. But that’s just David being David. I only noted them because of Christian’s ridiculous notion. “He’s not the problem.”
“Oh, and I am?”
“I didn’t say that! Why are you always putting words in my mouth?” I grunt and continue, “Did you ever think I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you would react this way? You only agreed to come here because it was our anniversary. I know you don’t want to give it a chance.”
“I came because if I don’t get involved, you’ll lose all we’ve worked for. You can’t be trusted to manage money.”
“Because I buy a smoothie here and there?! Wow, you have a lot of faith in your wife, who has never shown difficulties managing money.”
But is he right that I’d be lost financially without his strict rules as a guide? A sharp sting travels through my stomach and provokes a growl. I don’t need anything shaking my confidence in my ability to start a new business, so this kernel needs to pop.
“If you’d get your mind on our future, I could depend on you, but no, not when you’re drawn to any shiny object of the moment you think you want!” he screams.
Acid rises in my throat, and I see fire in my mind’s eye. “This is the first time I ever questioned my career! And all I ever hear is you telling me what to do. I’m tired of it.”
“Oh, you are, are you? Someone needs to be the voice of reason in this relationship.”
“Oh my God, I’m so sick of your arrogance. You’re not always right, and you don’t run me.” My body fills with heat.
He pushes his hair behind one ear as he glares at me. “I’m not trying to run you, Toni. I’m trying to help you. If you haven’t noticed, you need it.” Turning his head toward the vines in a pause, he says, “I’m here in this God-knows-where place, aren’t I?” then focuses back on me.
“This place has a name, and that name is where I want to have my winery. This is the area I choose, so cancel your meeting with Tad and get ready to shop for land here.” I dig in.
“Your winery.” He laughs. “I can tell you this. I’m not moving down here. And the university is too far. We can’t live in Glendale, where I work up there, and you work here.”
“Many couples do that.” The words creep out of my mouth.
“Not this couple. That’s pretty idiotic of you to think we’d live that way, on the road half our lives. Get a brain, Toni.”
“I thought”—oh gosh, I’m losing steam—“that we’d find a place down here. We can’t live that far from the vineyard.” My voice softens even more as I continue, “We’ll have to be here. There’s a college nearby. I’m sure you can get a job there or—”
“You have it all decided, don’t you? Talk about not feeling like an equal in this marriage.” He kicks the dirt. “Now I have to quit my job to chase after your unrealistic one?”
Well, when he puts it that way... My conscience kicks in as I place myself in his shoes. “I’m just trying to think of how to make it work, and I guess I wasn’t completely thinking of your feelings.”
He doesn’t speak.
“I didn’t want you to find out like this, and I should’ve told you I came here already, so I’m sorry about that. I’m really sorry. But just think about it, okay?” I can’t make this move without him, so I better get in repair mode, needing to overlook his insults as my punishment for my actions. I probably deserve the name calling.
“No, not okay. Let’s just go home. I don’t want to be here for another second.”
My feet are soldered to the ground.
“But we drove all this way. You’ll love it once we explore it a little and go into some wineries. And…maybe you can work remote for your school? Yeah, that could be an option. Come on.” I imitate his come on from not too long ago as my jumbled mind scrambles for solutions.
“We’re done here. Let’s go.” He turns toward the car door.
I pushed too hard. As I give in, I can’t choose which pains me more, leaving this area I already love or the cycle of tension between Christian and me. What a wonderful short burst of normalcy we had since our anniversary until today. The honeymoon is definitely over, but I hope it’s all that’s over.