Light glowed through the stained glass windows of Central Christian Church, reminding Shannon of a kaleidoscope she had as a child. Their colors melded in her watery vision, calm and soothing. Shannon closed her eyes and bowed her head. Tears plopped into the lap of her new Sunday maternity dress. Kerry reached for her hand and squeezed.
The church was packed, as all the standing churches probably were this beautiful Easter morning. People had come today to ask why God had left their town for dead. They were a shattered community of confused yet hopeful souls. No one stared at the people who cried openly. The minister spoke of the resurrection as a new beginning, a promise of the future. He warned folks about questioning God and encouraged people to find acceptance and offer surrender.
Shannon felt in her heart that nothing would ever be the same, and she took comfort in that. People no longer sneered as if she were ruined, as if she were a soiled piece of clothing that needed to be scrubbed clean. The hurt and resentment that had been boiling inside her for months was released and floated up and out the colorful windows behind the purple-draped cross.
It took a long time for the congregation to file out. Everyone wanted to shake the minister’s hand and congratulate him on an insightful sermon. On the front lawn, people hugged freely.
“Want to ride around and take a look?” Kerry asked.
“Momma?” Shannon said. “We’re going now.”
Her mother reached out to give her a hug and whispered into her ear. “You can do it.”
Kerry helped Shannon into his truck. He drove to the lake, the sun emerging from clouds at intervals. They stopped where twisted stumps littered the bottom of an open corridor sliced through state forest land. It was easy to follow the twister’s path of destruction over a hill, across the road, and all the way to the water. Trees that edged the cut were shaved clean, as if a giant Bush Hog had torn through the woods. Water sparkled at the far end of the clearing.
“Man, look at that,” Kerry said.
“I know,” Shannon said. It was unnerving—all the changes of the past two days. Not only had the town been rearranged, her whole life was taking giants spins at every turn. Last night, her father stayed upstairs with her mother for the first time in two years. She could hear them making love, nothing urgent, just the occasional faint indication of movement. She had no school to return to; her mother had no work. Pam was living with a relative in another county. Aunt Patsy came out of her room this morning, bobby pins holding a strip of toilet paper around her teased hair, and announced that she was marrying her preacher next weekend. And today she would have to tell Kerry the truth.
As they rode around looking at the devastation Shannon tried to form the words. What was the right way to tell a man you had lied? How could you let him know that you didn’t think he was a fool, even though you had fooled him terribly?
Green River Lake was placid and vacant, only a couple of men puttered out to open water in a johnboat. The marina looked normal, but felled trees made a jam of giant driftwood that blocked boats in slips.
“This looks okay,” Shannon said. “Let’s go by Liz’s house.”
In town, the Coyles’ two-story colonial was reduced to one south wall and half the kitchen. The neighboring colonials stood, but their trees were stripped of leaves and both houses seemed nude to Shannon—no shutters, outside furniture or shrubbery. They stepped gingerly over the rubble; no one had even attempted to clean up. Shannon had heard that they were staying in North Carolina until Liz’s mother felt like she could come back. Word was she’d had a nervous breakdown.
“Check this out,” Kerry said.
In the kitchen, an air compressor had been shoved into the open refrigerator and on the counter close by sat three salad bowls, each with brown lettuce in the bottom.
“That’s just weird,” he said.
Crooked picture frames dangled from wires on the kitchen walls, but the artwork had been sucked out. Shannon bent down to pick up a black and white photo of a young woman. She stuck it in her pocket. “If you see any pictures I’ll take them. I’m sure they’ll want them back.”
“Okay.”
“How can this happen—a whole house, just gone.” She saw the pink pig shower curtain in a far tree. She plucked a tiny bottle of perfume from a pile of fluff that had been a pillow.
“Thank God they weren’t killed.”
“They were in the basement.”
“I wonder if anything’s left down there.”
A hole indicated where stairs led down and they carefully made their way. Shafts of light cut through the floor, making twilight in the basement.
“It looks okay,” Kerry said. He walked over and sat down on an old sofa, a fancy thing that had probably belonged to somebody’s grandmother long ago. A crate of records sat on a coffee table in front of him. “We’d better take those too. It wouldn’t do to let them sit out in the weather.”
“Kerry, I got to tell you something.”
“Yeah?” he said. He flipped through the albums—Pink Floyd, Eddie Money, The Bee Gees.
“You’re not going to be happy.”
He stopped then and leveled his eyes at her.
“What?”
“We can’t get married.”
He just looked at her. Not smiling or showing any emotion.
“I mean I can’t marry you because…well, because it wouldn’t be right.”
“I knew it. I just knew it.”
He sighed and laid his head back against the couch. “Okay, Shannon. I don’t have the energy to chase you anymore. I figured you were going to do this to me since you kept putting things off.”
“I didn’t mean to be mean to you. I just got confused and—”
“No.” He held up his hand. “You’re not being mean, you’re just being honest. Look, you don’t want to marry me and just because there’s a baby on the way doesn’t mean that we have to get married. I’ll still be a good daddy and who knows, you might change your mind later on. I’m not going to force you to marry me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life knowing that I’m not the one you wanted to end up with.”
She bit her lip. “You’re not the daddy.”
He opened his mouth to speak and closed it. He looked around the dark room as if searching for something. Suddenly he upended the crate of albums onto the floor. They slid to Shannon’s feet. A sad girl sitting against a urinal stared up at her from a Foreigner album. He stomped back up the stairs. She followed and when she emerged into the shambles of the upstairs she saw Kerry taking giant strides back to his truck.
“What are you going to do? Leave me here?” Shannon yelled.
He turned around and came back to her quickly. “Shit. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He pointed his finger in her face until she flinched back. “That was low. Letting me think the baby’s mine.”
“I didn’t set off to make you think that.”
“Whose is it?”
“A guy. I don’t even know him.”
“You cheated on me?”
“No. We weren’t together when it happened.”
“So where’s he now?”
“He doesn’t know. I don’t want him to.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I—”
“Shit. I knew something was wrong.”
“You just assumed it was yours and I didn’t have the guts to tell you the truth.”
“So you were just going to lie to me for the rest of our lives? Make me raise somebody else’s kid?”
“No. That’s why I’m telling you. I know it’s not right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you again.”
“Yeah, again. And again and again and again.”
“I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say it?”
“You can never say it enough!” he yelled and panic crept up her spine. “How am I supposed to feel about this? Am I just supposed to forgive you? Five minutes ago I thought I was getting a family and now I find out all I’m getting is humiliated.”
He walked away and she screamed at his back. “There’s no way you could be more humiliated than I am!” She ran after him then, yelling. “You have no idea what it’s like to be me. I was scared, okay? Scared about everything and you’re the one person that’s always helped me. Always loved me no matter what. Is it so bad that I needed you? I made a mistake. Haven’t you ever made a mistake, Kerry?”
He turned. “Yeah, I seem to be making mistakes right and left here lately.” She could tell he was near tears. “I feel so stupid, but you know, I knew you went out with somebody else. A couple of times I’d called your house to find you and your mom said you were at Pam’s, but you weren’t there.”
“Most of the time I was just hanging out at the boat dock.”
Shannon could see a neighbor peeking from behind a curtain. Kerry saw it too, grabbed her wrist and said, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
In town, crews cleared away chunks of the strip mall and a couple of fast-food joints. Along Lebanon Avenue, homeowners patched their roofs and hauled brush out to the road. People swarmed over the high school like an anthill that had been poked with a stick. Fire trucks and emergency vehicles were parked everywhere. The bakery was open and handing out free donuts and coffee.
As they neared her house again, Kerry said, “What’re you going to do?”
“Momma and Daddy said they would help me. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but they won’t let me starve or anything.”
“What about the baby? You going to keep it?”
“I don’t want to, but Momma feels different about it. She said to wait until it’s born before I decide. She said I might change my mind. What about you? Are you going to be okay?”
“I guess my pride is what’s hurt most, but with everything that’s going on around here now nobody’s going to be paying much attention to either one of us.”
“That’s true.” She reached over and placed her hand on his. “I honestly didn’t mean to hurt you, Kerry. Don’t hate me.”
He lit a cigarette. Smoke flowed out the window and disappeared like it had never existed. She would never tell him about the rape. He would want to help, to save her again. She had to be strong enough to let him go. It was only fair. He pulled the truck up the drive to her house, but didn’t cut the engine. His cigarette trembled in his fingers.
“Get out,” he said.