(Hemorrhoids)
These little balloon-knot-looking, son-of-a-bitch, bloody pouches SUCK!! If you didn’t have them during your pregnancy, your chances of having them after delivery are a lot greater. Especially if you had hours of endless pushing during delivery, like me. Hemorrhoids are almost like a little going-away present from Mother Nature. A little pouch to take home with you and burst open any time you please.
When you come home from the hospital, there is so much going on down there that you don’t really know the hemorrhoids are there, UNTIL…you take your first poop. And even doing that, you’re terrified because you’re afraid any pushing you do is going to cause all of your insides to come out of your vagina because you are still a bloody mess down there on top of all the pain.
But I eventually had to poop, even though I waited a few extra days. So I took a seat and told myself to enjoy the ride. All I thought about was the pain from my incision while pushing, but then I began to feel a sharp pain in the bum-bum exit area, followed by an excruciating one. My face turned purple, and I screamed louder than anyone in California at that moment. The scream was followed by tears, as my husband came bursting into the bathroom to find me crying on the toilet. I knew those bastards were back with a vengeance!!
After that I was so terrified to go #2 that I avoided it altogether. I knew that the longer I waited, the more painful it was going to be. But I just wanted to make sure those “delivery hemorrhoids” were gone, or at least 90 percent healed before I sent a “tree” through them. So I waited and waited. About fifteen days came and went.
Then one night I began to scream yet again in my bedroom. As usual, my husband shouted, “What’s wrong NOW?” I was crying and doubled over in pain, telling him my appendix had just blown up and that I had to go to the emergency room. He saw that I was in severe amounts of pain and rushed me there.
They took me right in and did an X-ray. I knew I was going to have appendix surgery, which sucked because I’d just had a C-section three weeks before!! But the doc came in and said, “Well, we know what’s going on. You’re full of shit.”
I said, “I’m not making this up! I’m in pain. Why would I bullshit you?”
He said, “No, literally you’re full of shit. Your intestines are filled rock solid with it.”
I couldn’t believe I was in this much pain because I was constipated. I told him I was scared to poo because of my hemorrhoids. He said that that was very common, but I was so embarrassed, especially when the doctor had me sign an autograph for his nephew at college after lecturing me about crapping. Ugh!
So they gave me a bottle of stool softeners. They were surprised the hospital didn’t give me any after delivery. Yeah, me too! So I took my stool softeners, went home, and waited.
Then my moment arrived. It was time, and I was hoping that the hemorrhoids had healed. I’ll spare you yet another bathroom story, but I’ll tell you that though the stool softeners made things a little more pleasant, the hemorrhoids were back AGAIN!! I found myself investing in some Tucks medicated pads, and I must say they did take most of the discomfort away. Unfortunately, I was addicted to them. I would just stick one between the cheeks and go on my merry way. I even went shopping with a Tucks tucked in. I didn’t care. I felt better. That’s all that mattered.
Unfortunately, hemorrhoids still linger around my life. Kind of like an ex-boyfriend. They show up, and you still don’t want anything to do with them, yet they keep coming back. My doc said you can have them removed with surgery. I don’t think so. I just bought some extra stock in Tucks medicated pads. I’ll see how long that will hold me. In the meantime, get yourself some stool softeners and take them after delivery to help soften the load. Literally!