Don’t get depressed about the size of your ass. Also, DO NOT BUY A NEW WARDOBE until you reach your goal size. Patience and effort will eventually get you out of those ugly oversized sweats.
Don’t forget to be a wife. Even though baby puke is your new perfume and you’re so tired that you want to hide in a small cave and sleep, your husband still needs some TLC. A good solid marriage is so important when raising a family. Keep communication up during these times.
When you are searching for a good pediatrician, choose one with a great ass—it makes the visits more fun. I’m kidding. Get recommendations from your gyno and from friends who you trust, and interview doctors to find the one who matches your needs.
When traveling, invest in a DVD player to entertain your baby. If your baby is too small to be entertained, dress him up in the sports team uniform of the city you are traveling to. A two-month-old screaming on an airplane is a lot cuter if he’s dressed as a mini Chicago Cub.
If you start to resemble a troll living under a bridge, get out and do something for yourself at least ONCE a week. Work out, take a class, go for a walk, or even just put on makeup. A pretty troll is at least better than an ugly one!
Take an extra outfit for your baby EVERYWHERE you go. Don’t leave home without it. “Shitting up the back” can happen ANYWHERE!!!
If anybody asks if you need anything before they stop over for a visit, say, “YES! Diapers!!!” Even though you have plenty, you can always use more.
Do not routinely let your baby sleep in your bed. Your child will become an addict, and you won’t be able to regain private use of the bed until your child leaves for college.
When you think you are truly about to crack and can’t take it anymore, keep reminding yourself that it will get easier. I promise!! It really, really does!!!
Well, at least until they turn sixteen and they tell you to go bite yourself and take the family car out in the middle of the night with their friends and get drunk and don’t come home and you’re up late worrying half to death about them and then you tell them they can’t go to the prom and they hate you and blame you for their lack of social skills later on in life and…oh…Sorry. That book will be called Puberty Sucks and will be available in about thirteen years.