I kissed Gabe the second he came in the door. Kissed him like I could crawl inside him if I tried hard enough. He smiled and held me, returning my kiss until I had to pull away for air and to receive the smile he bestowed on me. I loved that smile so much.
“Whatever you made smells amazing.”
The tart sat on the counter cooling. It should have been chilled, but I sort of liked it slightly warm. The tart pop of lemon and crisp sweetness of the strawberries could make my taste buds sing.
“It’s a lemon-strawberry tart,” I told him. Simple and classic. I didn’t mention to him how many times I’d stopped and started before deciding on that particular dessert, though the full wastebasket of cleaning wipes below the sink attested to my indecision. I had to wipe the counter after pulling anything out. Stains of flour or cream or juice were not acceptable, even if I never actually opened the container.
He let me go and leaned over the dessert to suck in a deep breath. “I love the smell. Only you make me miss being able to eat. I’ve been around so damn long I’d forgotten how good it could be to taste food.”
“The movies make it sound like vampires can’t taste food,” I said as I moved around the counter to get a plate and flatware.
“The movies get a lot of things wrong.” He sat down at his small kitchen table, leaving enough space between himself and the actual furniture to fit two of me. I smiled and dished up a slice of the tart, then dropped into his lap. He sighed sweetly. “This is exactly where you belong. You should always stay right here.”
“It would be silly if you walked around all day with me in your lap.”
“I’d be the luckiest—and horniest vampire on the planet,” he grumbled as he kissed me softly. “You gonna eat some of that so I can taste it?”
I cut off a bite with my fork and shoved it in my mouth. It was soft, almost custard consistency, and a sweet-sour mix that made me sigh. Gabe waited until I swallowed before he pressed his lips to mine, his tongue parting my lips to taste the sweetness.
“So good,” Gabe whispered against my mouth.
I turned to straddle him, took another bite, and let him slowly make love to my mouth. He ground his cock into mine and ran his warm fingers up and down my chest and back beneath my shirt. I leaned back to take another bite, only the tart was gone.
“Well that went fast,” I grumbled. Had I really eaten all that so quickly?
Gabe grinned and stretched until he could snag the pan from the counter and set it on the table. “Don’t stop on my account. I’m enjoying every second.” He sliced another piece and plopped it on my plate. “This is like heaven on your lips.” I wondered if he actually tasted the sugar and sharp flavor of the dessert on my lips, or if it even mattered.
I snorted. “Right, I’m such an angel.”
He winked and rolled his hips to thrust against mine. “Angel of pleasure.”
“Pretty sure that’s not angel,” I told him, then shoved another piece of tart into my mouth. The crunch of the pecan-honey crust made me chew a moment longer.
Gabe wasn’t hesitant about swooping in for another kiss. I didn’t have time to fully swallow, but he didn’t take any of the food, just teased my lips with his tongue. I rocked my hips against his in a sweet rhythm. I put the fork down and wrapped my arms around him, letting us ride the wave of pleasure together.
He reached down and grabbed my ass. His large hands cupping me and digging into my crease normally would have sent my libido into overdrive, but instead, fear spiked through my stomach and I froze. Gabe paused only a minute later. He slowly eased away, sliding up to rub comforting circles on my back as I hid my face in his chest, just trying to breathe through the sudden terror. What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Don’t stop,” I told him. “You can keep going. It’s okay.” My erection was completely gone. His still pressed into my thigh through his jeans.
He wrapped his arms around me and crushed me to his chest, holding me so tightly that I couldn’t do anything but lose control of my sobs. I was so sick of crying. He had to be tired of watching me cry. “There’s no rush,” he whispered.
But how long before the baseless fear drove him away? I clung to him, terrified that everything was going to be ripped from me because I couldn’t get my brain to work right. Or my body to be normal. “I’m broken,” I admitted.
“Cracked a little maybe, but not broken. Nothing we can’t fix,” he promised. He lifted me up and carried me to our bedroom, laying me down on the bed and then curling around me. “You’re still not sleeping well. Rest. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
I closed my eyes and was surprised to find sleep took me quickly.
* * *
I n the morning, I woke up just past four. I spent time in the library reading, ate breakfast, and tried to not think too much about last night. Gabe said nothing. He worked on business things on his computer and let me have my space. He’d lean over and kiss me as he passed or throw me a soft smile, but he didn’t demand that I converse or even really acknowledge him. He really was too perfect for me.
When Jamie showed up just after seven, I realized I hadn’t told Gabe what I was doing. Mentioning to him that I was going to have someone hypnotize me into having sex with him again didn’t sound like a very relationship-solid idea. But his questioning look as I threw on my coat meant I had to say something. He’d be headed to bed soon, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t worry. My fuckup last night had only made me more determined to go today.
“I have a doctor’s appointment. We’re working on that list,” I told him. Simple enough, and true in a loose sense.
“Okay.” He crossed the room and kissed me. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I replied, hoping he knew just how much, and followed Jamie out the door.
Jamie said nothing. He didn’t even look at me. I returned his silence with my own by staring out the window at the growing winter. People moved around in a mad scurry of thick coats and scarves. Winter had come early this year. Record cold temperatures had been predicted for next week. A bad omen, some said, mostly about my ascending to the role of Pillar.
We pulled up to the office building again in a déjà vu moment of yesterday. “What time do you want me to pick you up?” was the first thing Jamie had said to me since he’d arrived this morning at Gabe’s place.
How long did hypnosis take? I shrugged. “Can I text you? I don’t know if she has a set time in mind.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. Finally he said, “Okay. Just stay at the office, please.”
“Sure.” I got out and headed inside, somewhat surprised there was no receptionist in and the waiting room was empty.
“Seiran, come on back.” Dr. Tynsen appeared from the left hallway and led me toward her office. This time she had the couch pulled out from the wall and the recliner sitting next to it. “Make yourself comfortable.”
I hung my jacket on the coat rack beside the door and left my bag at the end of the seat. My hands quaked already and we hadn’t even begun. After lying down on the couch, I readjusted the heavy leather pillow beneath my head and tried to force myself to stop shaking. My knees knocked together so loud I was sure she could hear it.
“Don’t be nervous, Seiran. Think of hypnosis as a dream. It can’t hurt you. And you can wake up anytime you need to.”
“You’re sure this will help me be normal again? As normal as I can be.” I knew being like everyone else was impossible. But finding the guy I’d been before Brock had taken me on a head trip would be nice.
“Everyone responds differently. But it can’t hurt. Close your eyes. I want you to focus on my voice.”
I did as she instructed, listening to her voice as sometimes I could with Gabe’s. The tone was soft and soothing, coaxing me into a light sleep. A month ago I would have joked about there being no watch or lines like “You are getting very sleepy,” but my sense of humor had fled with Brock’s dying soul. I often wondered if he was really haunting me or if it was all in my head. Sometimes I heard his voice or thought I saw him passing in a crowd. The nightmares never let up and I hated to let go to sleep, even if it wasn’t a real sleep.
“Find that safe place inside, Seiran. No one can hurt you there. Just peace and calmness…” Dr. Tynsen said. I focused on finding that high place she was speaking of. One where I could stare down at myself and see what would need to be fixed.
At first I was detached from the emotions. Memories swirled around me as though they were movies waiting to be clicked to life. But with the movies came the feelings, not all of them good. Why did the ones that hurt look so much brighter and more vivid?
“Tell me about Matthew.” The worlds spurred the arrival of numerous nightmares. Had she known the memory was just below the surface waiting for a chance to spring into the light?
Matthew rose up before me. He had green eyes, too, a lot like Gabe’s. But Matthew had been dark. His black hair cropped military short, face that sort of rugged handsome of soldiers on the big screen, and skin dark tan. I remembered the first time we’d met. My mother had dropped me off at military school. The sergeant immediately went to work to make a man out of me, buzzing my hair short and dressing me in fatigues. I was almost eleven. He’d yelled at me for having no muscle tone and not being able to do any pushups. Then he’d dragged me down a long hallway filled with open doors to pound on the closed one at the end.
The door swung wide, and Matthew stood there. He’d smiled, introduced himself, and put a hand on my shoulder, telling me he was the head of the junior dorms and would take good care of me. The sergeant left me there.
“New meat, eh, Pierson?” another boy jeered as he passed us.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in PE, Juckert? Get moving,” Matthew said.
“Yeah, yeah.”
Matthew shrugged. “Don’t let them bother you. This place is hell, but you’ll make good friends here.” He opened the door across from him and gestured to the empty unmade beds. “Take your pick. We probably won’t have any other new recruits until spring.”
He’d left me there to unpack, not that I had much. But the memory of our meeting had been strong.
“Were you attracted to him right away?” The question came from far away.
Had I? He’d been a good-looking boy. Older, maybe fifteen. “I think at first I wanted to be like him. Strong and independent.” At the time, I hadn’t equated the tingling in my stomach with desire. In fact, I hadn’t known at all what it meant until nearly two months later.
The teachers worked me hard. I remembered dropping into bed at night in so much physical pain I thought I’d die. That day I’d come in last from the run. One mile had turned to two and then four because I dared to slow down enough to walk when my sides burned. Everyone else had finished hours before me. When I finally stumbled into the shower room, I never expected to see one of my older classmates bent over one of the benches, Matthew thrusting into his backside with heartfelt grunts.
I’d never seen anything like it before. Matthew’s hand worked at the other boy’s cock, pulling it in fierce strokes. I stood frozen in the doorway, watching, feeling that tingle in my stomach awaken something in me I’d never felt before. Matthew glanced up, meeting my eyes, not even pausing in his work. He grabbed the other boy’s hips and snapped harder into him, making them both grunt terribly erotic sounds, all while holding my gaze. He pulled out, rubbing himself fiercely and pulling off the plastic sheath I would later learn was a condom, and then released himself over the other boy in gooey white streams.
He smiled at me, then shoved his fingers into the boy’s ass, finding a fast rhythm until the other boy shouted and jetted his white come all over the bench. I turned and ran like the devil was on my heels. My body felt so odd, hot and achy. I made it all the way back to my room before touching myself to mimic the way Matthew had touched himself minutes ago.
I’d been so afraid of the feeling that I nearly forbid myself from coming that day. But once the cycle was started, I couldn’t stop, and when I was finally spent, I’d discovered something about myself that I thought so evil I began working my body in the gym as punishment. Running miles a day, swimming until my arms ached, exhaustion staved off the desire for a while. I could almost forget the memory of watching them together and the touch of my own hand. When Matthew came for me after class one day, I should have walked the other way.
The mix of pleasure and pain when he sucked me off and put his fingers in my ass for the first time was beyond anything I’d experienced on my own. I welcomed the hurt the first time he sank into me. Cursed myself for being a monster since it shouldn’t feel so good. But pleasure quickly replaced the pain. I begged him for more, and knew there was something twisted inside me.
I clung to Matthew. Despite our age difference and that I knew he regularly did other boys, some not as willing as I, I needed him. He saw me, at least at first. All the attention I’d been craving, I finally received from him, even if it was a quick five-minute blow job between classes.
“Was Matthew your first encounter with sex?”
“Other than what I saw on TV, yes.” One of my babysitters had brought magazines once, filled with naked girls. None of that had ever made me feel like I had that day in the academy locker room.
“Why did you feel it was evil? Did your mother speak ill of homosexuals?”
“I saw things on the news. Hate groups. The Dominion often preached on the benefits of women marrying other women, but men with other men was prohibited. My mother and I didn’t talk about sex at all,” I replied. My mother and I barely co-existed.
“How did your relationship with Matthew progress?” she prompted.
I wished it were all more of a blur. Months passed, and the two of us often met in my room, the locker room, a main hall closet, anywhere away from prying eyes, to fuck. He’d taught me all the dirty words and tricks, showed me how high my body could fly with the feeling. Then one night he’d forced his way into my room, words a little slurred from alcohol, another boy with him, this one tall and built like a house.
The other boy and Matthew kissed, right there in front of me. I remember blinking through my sleepiness when they both crawled into my bed.
“Matt—” I began to protest, but his lips covered mine. The other boy pulled my pajama bottoms down and devoured my cock. The hot warmth of his mouth made me hard, but I didn’t want anyone but Matthew. I pushed him away. “Stop.”
Matthew laughed. “You don’t want me to get bored, do you, baby? Let Pete have some fun. I promise you’ll like it.” He dropped a box of condoms and a bottle of lube on the bed next to me and turned to Pete. “His ass is like heaven. Just wait ’til you hear the little sounds he makes when you fuck him.”
Heat colored my face. “I don’t want anyone else,” I tried to protest, but Pete was already rolling a condom down the long length of him. Matthew pressed a lubed finger into my ass. This time all I felt was the burn.
“Don’t be silly, baby. Pete will nail you good, and I can fuck your mouth. You know how much you like to suck my cock. Just think of it as me doing you all at once. Filling you up.” Hurting me. All I remember was the pain.
“That was the first time you were raped?” Again that distant voice.
“I wanted it,” I replied. “I always wanted Matthew.”
“But not Pete.”
“He was the first. Not the last.” So many faces. My body had been used and abused. Matthew had brought numerous guys to my bed, citing added sexual excitement each time he did. Eventually I stopped protesting, since he just told me that surely I didn’t want him bored with me. I was young and stupid and thought that he loved me, that I loved him.
The night before he graduated, he’d brought several friends to my room, plied me with alcohol, and fucked me until I passed out. When I woke, he was gone. Left the academy forever and apparently wasn’t looking back.
I wrote letters to him, though they were all returned unopened. And my last few years before college were spent seducing as many of the “straight” boys as I could. It was a fruitless search to find someone to fill the hole Matthew had ripped in me. But every new encounter left me feeling dirty, useless, and unwanted. The few minutes of sex were the only reprieve I ever got from the guilt.
“You met Gabe in that time,” the distant voice reminded me.
“He was different.”
“How?”
“His eyes and body said he wanted me. But he wouldn’t give in.” That Halloween party had been a friend’s idea. Randy and I had left the academy early that weekend with the excuse of going home, though neither of us planned to go home to our parents.
He was a lycan, turned furry under the full moon. I’d watched him do it a time or two. Used his change to help coax the first change I ever made on the new moon. And that party was on the third crest of the new moon. It was either change that night or find someone to screw me until the energy faded.
I always hated Wisconsin. You’d drive and drive to finally arrive and there was nothing. A bonfire maybe, a handful of people, none of which I ever wanted to take me home. This party wasn’t all that different. More people, and since the earth power rode me, I knew more than a fair share of them were shifters.
“You look like sex on a stick, Sei. Meow,” Randy had teased.
We’d had our moment, and I never let anyone have me twice. Not since Matthew. No one was allowed the time to grow bored with me. And Randy had been pretty bad in bed.
“Go find someone else to tweak your dick tonight. I’m on the prowl.”
Randy laughed as he parked the car. We both got out. He wore shorts and a ripped T-shirt, his hair combed and styled in crazy directions. I didn’t know what his costume was supposed to be.
“Owwooh, baby! Let’s party,” he fake howled.
“Don’t call me baby.” I stripped out of my coat and put on the little headband that had my fake cat ears glued to it. The night would be cold, so I had been sure to cover up. The black leggings and fitted leotard clung like a second skin, but it really wasn’t all that warm. I’d just have to find someone to heat me up.
An old barn had been converted to a dance hall. The bonfire that raged outside threw off a pretty good amount of heat and light. Several couples made out around it, and I caught the smell of sex more than once. No one was taking their time. I didn’t plan to, either. There had to be someone here worth a few minutes of my time. Maybe I’d have to find several someones to get me through the night.
“I hope there’s booze,” Randy was telling me as we found our way inside.
“I smell vodka,” I told him.
“That sniffer of yours is scary.” He winked and smiled at a tall blond man across the room before waving to one of his fellow shifters in the corner. “One of my packmates is here. I’m going to go check in.” He headed off in the opposite direction.
The blond stared at me briefly before flashing a dazzling smile. I smiled back and turned toward the punch bowl. It smelled mostly like alcohol. But that always made it easier, anyway. The more I drank, the less it mattered who I let have me. It also helped me to lose memory of their faces sooner so should I ever pass them in a crowd, they would just be another of many past conquests.
The blond followed me around to the table. His eyes were a pretty green that reminded me vaguely of Matthew. Two years, and I still longed for the jerk.
“Are you even legal?” the blond asked, leaning over me.
I threw him my most come-hither look and poured myself a glass. “Does it matter?” I knocked the drink back in one long gulp, watching his eyes follow me. “Maybe you’re a dirty old man looking for someone young?” He looked mid-twenties, and I’d had a fair share of those. Often they liked the my foreign look, the slant of my eyes, or even my youth. None of that would matter soon. They’d just be another vague memory. Sadly, the alcohol hadn’t numbed me enough yet, but it would soon, and I’d go home with someone. At least this man was good-looking and polite.
“I’m old. But not aiming for a fire pit.” The man poured himself a glass of the alcohol-flavored punch and sipped it.
“Ah,” I said, swallowing another glassful. “Vampire, eh? Looking for an evening meal?”
The blond shook his head. “A kitten like you can’t be much more than an appetizer.”
Stepping up close to him, I rubbed my rising erection against his thigh. “I’m a seven-course meal with dessert.” He shivered as I ran my hand down his arm, pressing the power of the new moon into him. Vampires were creatures of the earth, born from the dirt and cycles of rebirth of Gaea. He’d feel brand-new when we fucked, or at least that’s what the last vamp who had graced my bed told me.
“You’re a witch?” he asked, sounding shocked.
“That a problem?”
“Earth witch?”
Now he was pissing me off. Did he have an issue with witches? “What kind of witch do you think can make you feel fresh from the grave?”
“Forgive me. I’ve never had an earth witch before. And I’ve never had a male one at all.” He motioned us to the door where people spilled out into the night. “Walk with me?”
He talked funny, like some sort of old English gentleman, though the accent wasn’t English. I followed him and let him lead me away from the party. Vampires brought an added rush of adrenaline, since they could kill you and take off with none the wiser. His blond curls glistened in the fading firelight. He looked a little like the sort of angel you’d see in old Renaissance art. Normally my taste ran to darker men, but something about him curled in my gut telling me to stay.
“My name is Seiran,” I told him. We headed deeper into the woods that surrounded the barn. The Earth pulsed through me, telling me to get on with it. Would he protest if I yanked his pants down and sucked his cock?
“I’m Gabe.”
“Have you eaten? I know vamps sometimes need blood in order to get it up. And I’d like to suck you off before we screw.”
He laughed. “Do you say everything you think?”
“Mostly. I don’t see much of a point to playing games. If I didn’t interest you, we wouldn’t be out here. So will you have sex with me? Do you need my blood first?”
He seemed to ponder my question. “I’ve already had blood tonight, but I may imbibe later. Sex is a possible option. How old are you?”
“Old enough.”
“Which means you’re not.” Gabe sighed and turned to head back inside, his fine ass retreating from me.
I grabbed his arm. “Please. It’s the last night of the new moon. I promise a wild ride.”
“Nothing is wild enough to burn for. Maybe in a few years we try again.”
“I’ll be seventeen in a few weeks. I can show you my school ID. Seventeen is legal age of consent.” Staring up into those pretty green eyes, there was no one I wanted more at that moment.
“In Minnesota. Not Wisconsin. Eighteen is legal in Wisconsin.”
“Border is only a few miles away. Did you drive? I’ll need a ride home anyway.” I smiled in a way I knew promised things. “I can ride you the whole way if you’d like.”
“Still not biting, kid.” He continued back to the party.
Frustrated, I growled at him, “Whatever,” and ran ahead, hoping he was staring at my ass, which he’d given up already. “If you won’t do me, I’m sure someone else will.”
“Little player,” I heard him mumble while I made my way back to the party.
“But you did go home with him that night,” the faraway voice prompted. It knew a lot about me.
“We didn’t have sex that night.” Much to my dissatisfaction. “Randy’s packmate and I were making out by his car when Gabe interrupted.” Gabe had ripped Josiah off me and looked about ready to pop a vein. The lycan shook a fist at him. “He’s willing enough.”
“I’m sure he is. But also very illegal, and it’s not even the full moon for you to use as an excuse for statutory rape.” They both looked ready to fight. My stomach flipped over uncomfortably. I wasn’t worth fighting over.
I put a hand on Gabe’s arm and leaned in close to him. “Sorry, Jos, I’m going home with this one, I think. Next time?”
Josiah shook a heavy paw at me. “You’re trouble, Rou. Go ahead and fuck him, Santini. Might as well pay him when you’re done. He’s only one step from that.” With those angry words, he stomped away and left us alone.
“You change your mind?” I asked Gabe.
He shook his head and dragged me toward a dark-colored sedan. “Where do you live?”
“The Twin Cities, obviously. What’s your deal?” Did he want me or not?
“No deal. I’m just going to take you home. Do you need to tell Randy where you’re going?”
“No. He’s off getting fucked somewhere. Just like I’d like to be.”
“You have a potty mouth.” Gabe opened the door to the passenger side and shoved me in. I opened my mouth to protest again, but he leaned down and kissed me, sweeping his tongue inside to duel with mine. He tasted sweetly of copper pennies and kissed me like I was his very last breath. He massaged the back of my head with his large hand before finally pulling away to shut the door and get in the car on the driver’s side.
Who kissed like that? I’d never even enjoyed kissing before. “Kiss me again, and I’ll go anywhere with you.”
His laughter bounced around the inside of the car, sounding sweet and deep all at once. “Something to look forward to, I suppose.”
“How far forward?” I hadn’t drunk enough to muddle my brain.
“When you’re legal, maybe.”
I reached across the seat and tried to unbutton his pants. “At least let me taste you. No one needs to know but us.”
He caught my hand and held it in his. “Something else to look forward to.” He lifted it and kissed my fingers.
Damn, I wanted him bad. He just smiled and drew circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. Each touch jolted straight to my cock. If he kept it up, I’d come in my pants.
The distant voice interrupted the memory again. “When did you realize you were in love with him?”
“When I almost died.” The flash of pain from Brock’s attack made me struggle for breath. His chanting still sounded real in my head—No, no, no! —until the pain was too much and I ripped myself out of the memory.
The textured ceiling came into focus, and I sucked in heavy lungfuls of air. My heart raced. The shaking began again, this time violent enough to make my teeth chatter. Was I ever going to get better?
“Count with me, Seiran,” Dr. Tynsen instructed. We counted backward from one hundred, slowing my breathing and heartbeat to normal. She smiled at me from her chair close to the couch, still in my bubble. “I think you’ve made good progress today. Do you want to come in early again tomorrow?”
I glanced at the clock ticking on the far wall. It was after one in the afternoon. Holy crap. “I’ve taken up most of your day. I should go.”
“That’s what I’m here for, Seiran. Let’s keep our regular appointment tomorrow. Finish your list, and we’ll discuss it then.” She got up from the chair and opened the door.
I struggled to my feet, putting on my jacket and grabbing my bag like a zombie. Something was wrong with me. My head swam with fogginess like pain meds could sometimes do. The walk to the lobby took forever, like I was on sleepwalk mode, but Jamie paced the worn gray carpet. When he finally noticed me, he stopped and crossed the room. He buttoned up my coat and adjusted my hat. I still felt so outside of myself that I just followed him to the car in silence. Was I still in the trance or truly moving around? Why did it feel like I could turn the corner and suddenly find Matthew there staring at me?
After we’d gotten in his car and he had it pointed toward Gabe’s house, he started talking. “I’m sorry if I was being a jerk, Seiran. I’m not trying to be. I just worry so much.”
“I’m okay,” I told him, staring out the window.
“Do you want to talk about what happened that took so long at the doctor today?”
Memories. That’s what took so long. But I couldn’t tell him about that. What would he think if he knew how I’d been used and thrown away by so many men? That I’d continued the cycle out of self-destruction until I’d met Gabe? And then I had only cut back on the constant stream of lovers, not even cutting them out completely. The sex made me feel human and inhuman all at the same time. Would he understand any of that? No. It was better if he didn’t know.