A t the bar—Bloody Bar & Grill—the noise and crowd grated on me. The constant background noise, clinking of plates, glasses, silverware, and chatter left my nerves wound up and raw. I had gotten used to the eyes—Gabe assured me they weren’t all staring at me—but after today’s session with the doctor it was like the worst of me had been laid bare for them all to see. Memories of Matthew tainted everything thing I did. Did they see me the way he had? Was I nothing but a toy to be used and thrown away?
Each request became a leer and every touch unwanted. I didn’t try to dress sexy like I used to. I think Gabe’s favorite boots were in the back of the closet somewhere. The jeans I wore were somewhat worn, but not all that tight, and the T-shirt a size too big. With my hair up, I was all business, which killed my tips but made some of the nausea in my stomach ease.
I filled orders, giving everyone the fake smile and friendly banter they expected, but without the flirting. Gabe threw more than a handful of worried glances in my direction. Which likely explained why Kelly had come in and sat at the bar. He even went so far as to try to order a beer. At least it made me laugh.
“I’ll buy you a beer when you turn twenty-one,” I told him, giving him a fresh plate of the chicken and bean tacos he loved.
“I’m holding you to that. Five months.” His birthday was in March. He was a Pisces, which I suppose made sense given his love and skill with water. “Yours is coming up soon, right? I thought maybe we could go on a weekend trip. Skiing or something. Just some time to get away from all of this.”
I shook my head. Me and winter sports did not work well. I hated the cold about as much as most cats hated water. And work gave me something to think about other than the past few weeks. What would I do with nothing but time to contemplate? Go crazy probably.
Jamie poured Kelly a soda. “Skiing would be fun. I’m sure Gabe would love the vacation too. We could teach you, Sei.”
How could I tell them that I didn’t have the heart to do any of that? I liked the idea of spending more time with Gabe but also feared it. How many more failed attempts would it take before he left me? I didn’t even want to think about it. Instead I left them to discuss a trip that would never happen, and opened my locker, found my shrink notebook, and wrote down, “Get my soul back.” Whatever that meant. I just felt empty.
Gabe appeared behind me. He kissed my neck and ran his fingers through the long length of my ponytail. “How are you feeling tonight? Tired? Need a break?”
“I’m okay.” But that’s what I always said. “Kelly wants us to go on a ski trip.”
“You on skis? That I’d love to see.”
I let him hold me a little longer before pulling away and heading back to my tables. The work made me feel mostly normal. Schoolwork and the bar, if they kept me busy enough, were almost enough to keep me from thinking about all my social problems. By the time we’d closed the bar and headed home, I was tired enough to nap, leaning against Gabe in the car.
We didn’t try again that night. I don’t know if he just didn’t want to be disappointed or knew I was tired. He helped me into a pair of soft flannel pj’s and curled himself around me on the bed. If he talked, I fell asleep too fast to hear him.
I dreamed of Brock again that night. The pain from where he’d cut open my arm throbbed, though the wound was little more than a pink scar now. Counting backward from one hundred helped.
Gabe barely stirred beside me, and since the clock said it was after 10:00 a.m., I knew why. Having gotten approval to do most of my classwork online, I spent my mornings in front of the computer, working on whatever research or paper required my attention.
Every half an hour or so I’d have to get up, stretch or maybe do a little yoga before sitting back down again. It kept my back from hurting so much. The bruising had faded, but sometimes, like my arm, the ache would start up fresh again.
This morning my e-mail box had been overloaded with more hate spam. Maybe it was time to change my address. The elevator opened and closed. Jamie headed to the kitchen with several bags of groceries.
“Do you need me to make you tea? Or breakfast?” he asked.
I held up my mug, which was already full of tea. “I had an eggplant sandwich for breakfast.”
“Any protein on that?”
“One egg.”
“Are you going to eat lunch before your appointment or after?”
Since sometimes talking about the past made me nauseous—“After.”
I clicked on an e-mail, and it opened with a picture erupting in the body. There were flames, raging like an inferno. Deep within those flames there were faces, pained and screaming. An execution, obviously. The bottom of the e-mail read “Your fate.”
“Where did you get that?” Jamie snapped, coming up from behind. I moved to close it and delete it, but he took the mouse from my hand. “You shouldn’t see him like that. He wouldn’t have wanted you to remember him that way.”
Had that pained face been our father? I looked away from the computer, wanting so much to crawl back into bed with Gabe and never wake up again.
“What the hell? There are hundreds of these terrible e-mails. Seiran, how long has this been going on?” He sounded so angry. Had I done something wrong again?
“Since I killed Brock and became earth Pillar.” I stepped away from the desk, leaving my empty cup on the counter instead of putting it away like I always did. In the bedroom, Gabe looked so peaceful. “Wake me in time for the doctor’s appointment, please.”
“Sei…”
But I had already put a pillow over my head and prayed for my brain to shut off the terrible image of the man burning.
Gabe shook me awake a while later, his expression concerned. “You were crying out in your sleep. Are you okay?”
He looked exhausted. I must have been loud to have woken him so early. “Sorry. I’m okay.” I glanced at the clock. Time to get ready for my appointment anyway.
“Maybe you should get a different doctor,” Gabe said quietly as he laid back down in bed and watched me with sleep-heavy eyes while I moved around the room. “You never used to have nightmares like this before.”
“I never killed anyone before either,” I told him.
He sighed. “It’s never easy, but you should be healing better than this. Not physically, emotionally.”
I glanced at him. He’d killed people in his lifetime. Probably more than a handful since he had once been a soldier. “Does it ever fade? The guilt, I mean.”
“Yes. But I don’t think it’s Brock’s death that is bothering you so much. You were dreaming of Matthew. You said his name.”
My blood ran cold. “I don’t recall the dream.” And I didn’t really. I remembered fire. Maybe. Nothing substantial.
“Is there something else I can do?” Gabe asked. He closed his eyes. I knew he’d fall back to sleep soon.
“Don’t leave me,” I whispered as I brushed my hair.
He was silent so long I didn’t think he’d heard, or maybe he’d fallen asleep. Finally he said, “Never.”
I clung to hope because that was all I had.
The drive to the doctor was a silent one. I knew Jamie would tell Gabe about all the things he’d seen in my e-mail the second he dropped me off. But it didn’t much matter. I felt so numb. Maybe the drugs were starting to work. My phone rang in the car, and I glanced at the screen, an all-zero number again. I didn’t even try to answer it. There was only so much hate I could handle in one day.
Jamie looked my way several times, though he didn’t ask about the phone. He dropped me off in front of the office building and drove away without waiting for me to get inside. The change in him hurt. I guessed I wasn’t so numb after all.
Dr. Tynsen and I discussed the list I had made, though it was still incomplete. Ten things to change were a lot.
“Do you truly believe your mother doesn’t love you?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me about Jamie. He was very worried yesterday.”
“He wants me to be something I’m not. Gets mad when I don’t fit his perception.”
“Of the perfect brother.”
I nodded.
“And you were Matthew’s problem. You didn’t excite him enough, so he had to bring others into your relationship. Is that how you see it?”
“I guess.”
“Do you think Gabe will do that too?”
I shrugged. What did I have left that I could give to him? Sure, the packaging was still fairly nice, but now the baggage was worse. We couldn’t even have sex. How soon would he give up the quaking bag of jelly I’d become?
“Do you think these changes would have been the same before Brock hurt you?”
“Probably. The issues were already there.”
“Did you remember who gave you the puppy?”
“No. I didn’t even think about it.”
“Tonight, I’d like you to think about it. Try to remember where the dog came from.” She sorted through papers on her desk. I wondered how others felt when she seemed so uninterested in them. Maybe that was me too.
“Can we try the hypnotism thing again? Try to get past the Brock thing?” If I had a chance to save what I had with Gabe, I was going to try.
“Not today. Are you free tomorrow? I can stop by your apartment, perhaps. Maybe in more familiar surroundings you’ll get through it easier.”
“Sure.” I’d have to kick Gabe and Jamie out. I didn’t really want either of them witnessing my meltdowns any more than they already had to.
I left feeling like nothing was accomplished again. Jamie drove me home in that damning silence of his, walked me to the door, and left. Gabe was already up and moving around. He didn’t look at me when I came in. Jamie must have told him. He was probably mad. I made my way to the shower and let it cleanse away the day.
“Do you want to talk?” Gabe finally asked me while I prepared dinner.
“About what?” Everyone wanted me to talk lately. I was sort of talked out.
“The hate mail you’ve been hiding from us.” He pulled out my phone and scrolled the past few days’ worth of texts. I’d already deleted most of the bad stuff, but not all. “People have no right to treat you this way. You don’t deserve this, Seiran.”
“You don’t understand.”
“No. I don’t. But I’m trying. I don’t get why you are letting these people hurt you.” He stood close enough to touch now, but didn’t try. “You wanted to live for me, right? So live.”
But that was the point, wasn’t it? I didn’t really want to live anymore. Not if I couldn’t be what he needed. What did I have left without Gabe?
“Sei, I know you’re hurting. But I can’t help you unless you let me.” He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight. “I love you. Nothing can change that. Please remember that.”
Why was it so hard to believe him? Had my years with Matthew tainted me so badly that I couldn’t break free from his shadow? Maybe. Gabe deserved so much better. If only I could be normal for him, or at least who I used to be. “My doctor is coming here tomorrow to help me with some things. I really don’t want anyone to see that. I know it will be daytime…”
He sighed. “It’s fine. I just wish there were an easier way to fix all this.”
“I’ll never be normal.”
Gabe laughed and kissed the top of my head. “You never were normal. That’s what I fell in love with about you.” He went to the computer and began working on whatever it was that he did. I did some cooking as it was the only thing that helped me relax. It would have been nice to cook for Jamie, but apparently he wasn’t speaking to me. I sighed at the thought and tried to focus on the food.
After a while Gabe turned back. “I’ve set up a new e-mail account for you, blocked the other one. And I think I’ve got all the sites you normally use updated. Let me know if I missed something. Don’t give out the new e-mail address.”
I just nodded, numbness returning as the afternoon wore into night. The thought of another possible bedtime failure made my stomach turn. I pushed the food aside, put everything away, and began to clean. Gabe talked on his cell to the phone company about changing my number and making things private. The door buzzed, meaning someone upstairs wanted to get in. I went to the call box. “Hello?”
“UPS delivery.”
“Have them leave it at the office upstairs. I will get it later,” Gabe told me.
Repeating what he said into the box, the man thanked me and told me to have a good night. All the pressure of the day was wearing at me. I’d let Jamie down earlier, and then my doctor because I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around the questions she asked. And Gabe had to be disappointed with the lack of progress I was making. Hiding things from him seemed like a good idea at the time. I just didn’t want to burden him with more of my problems. Probably not the wisest idea ever. I looked over the condo and frowned. When had it gotten so dirty? The kitchen was a nightmare. Apparently even my cooking skills were a mess since I rarely left things in such a disheveled state.
I scrubbed the counter while Gabe went upstairs to retrieve the package. When had the kitchen last been cleaned? How had I missed the grime in the corners and the stained grout around the sink and backsplash? I dug in the cupboards below the sink for more cleaning supplies. I’d need something stronger than the normal spray cleaner and wipes. Maybe I could use cleaning the kitchen as a way to metaphorically clean my soul of all the gross residue that had piled up over the years.
Almost an hour later, Gabe returned empty-handed. I still wiped at the mess in the kitchen, watching him move across the room. His shoulders were stiff and tight with tension. The blank expression on his face was the one that he wore when he didn’t want me to know what was going on. I’d really learned to hate that look. What wasn’t he telling me? Did he just want me to get the hell out? Gaea, I couldn’t even clean properly…
“What was in the package?” I asked.
“Nothing important.”
“Was it for me?”
He paused and blinked at me. “What are you doing?”
“Cleaning.” It looked fairly obvious to me. The kitchen was just so dirty, and no matter how I scrubbed, the counter didn’t seem to come clean. Even the steel-wool pads and heavy-duty cleaner weren’t helping.
Gabe rounded the island to step into the kitchen and ripped my hands away from the rags I was using to clean. “You’re bleeding. Have you been doing this since I left?”
I looked at my hands. They looked a little red but felt fine. “I’m okay. I’m almost done cleaning. It’s such a mess in here. I’m sorry.”
He wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he captured my arms by pressing them both to his side and dialing his phone with his free hand. “Jamie, I need you right now.” He hung up while I struggled to free myself from his grip. His white shirt turned red where my hands touched him. I couldn’t feel it, though I know it should have hurt.
“Let me go. I’m ruining your shirt. I’m almost done cleaning. I promise.”
“Stop, Seiran. You’re hurt. We have to fix this.”
“It doesn’t hurt. Please let go. I have to finish cleaning.” I had to lose myself in the feeling. It was the only thing that helped. Forget some of the emotional hurt, and the kitchen was so dirty.
“The kitchen is clean. Please. Just come sit with me until Jamie gets here.”
“Jamie hates me.” The shakes began again—I could feel the tremble start all the way down in my toes and roll its way up my spine. Dammit. I didn’t want another breakdown in front of Gabe. He already put up with so much.
“He doesn’t hate you. I don’t know where that’s coming from.” Gabe pressed a fresh towel into my hands. Now they stung. I flinched and tried to pull away again.
“Stop, please.”
“Hold still.”
Jamie entered the flat, out of breath and nearly running. “Should I call an ambulance?”
“I’m okay,” I told them both, more numb than anything. My hands should have hurt more since the blood on Gabe’s shirt and the towel was a growing stain of bright red, but even the pain was distant and muted.
Gabe ignored my comment and spoke to Jamie. “No. But if you could drive, I will try to keep him from doing further damage.”
“I’m fine. Let me go.” Hysteria yanked me out of the numbness. Gabe’s grip on me was like iron. Like when Brock had tied me down... Too many times I’d had this same overwhelming emotion of helplessness. The same helplessness I had when my mother had locked me in that terrible white room, the loss of control. “Please,” I begged. “I’ll do anything you want. Just let me go.”
Gabe wrapped me up in his arms, one hand holding my wrists, his body like a shield around me. “I’m never going to let you go, Seiran. You are mine.” He held me, keeping the towel pressed to my hands, and carried me to the car where he cradled me in his lap and whispered soft things, no matter how I struggled or protested. Human strength versus vampire, I had no chance of winning.
The hospital again. I’d just left a few weeks ago. Recognized more than a handful of the doctors who came and went. When everyone had finally settled down, my hands were wrapped in heavy gauze, and I sat in the blooming-tree room set aside for powerful earth witches and tried to stop my heart from hammering. Gabe had not left my side.
Jamie disappeared into the hallway when my mother appeared, dragging her away from me. I was already a trembling mass of goo long before she arrived. I couldn’t stop shaking. They’d given me something for the anxiety that was supposed to help, but I shook so hard even my teeth chattered. What was wrong with me? I looked at Gabe and his shirt that was stained with my blood. I was nothing but trouble for him.
The doctors hooked me up to several machines and stuck me—painfully—with some things that dripped through long tubes. Gabe couldn’t touch the back of my hands since they were so heavily wrapped, but he did play with the hair on my forearms. He looked tired, and I just felt horrible for disappointing him again.
“I’m sorry,” I told him.
“For what?”
“Not being what you want.”
He smiled lightly, but it looked strained. “You are exactly what I want. Shush.”
But I wasn’t.
Jamie returned and motioned at Gabe to meet him in the hallway. “Be right back,” they told me.
I watched them argue outside the doors. Whatever they were talking about, Gabe didn’t like. When they stopped, they both vanished briefly and returned with a nurse.
Her face was pinched and stoic, ready for anything I guess, and she had a needle in her hand. Was she going to drug me? How much more could I take? She injected something into the IV attached to my arm. Gabe sat back down in his chair beside me, tickling my skin with his fingers until my eyes grew too heavy to keep open. “Gabe,” I whispered. “Don’t leave me.”