S pending the weekend in a mental hospital had been a bit like a vacation. If there had been people screaming or acting odd, they kept them all away from me. Jamie and Kelly took turns reading to me during the day. Though, whenever Kelly tried to read a romance out loud, he started cracking up—especially when he got to a sex scene, which sent me into easy laughter that didn’t end until the orderlies had come to warn us to keep it down.
My blood pressure was fine. The ache in my hands sometimes throbbed like someone was sticking hot pokers between my fingers. But the doctors had given me painkillers for that. Apparently, when injected straight into my veins, lots of drugs worked.
When they released me Sunday night, I’d never been so happy to be back in the car heading toward Gabe’s place. Jamie drove. Gabe sat in the passenger seat, and Kelly sat in back with me. Of the whole group, I think I felt most comfortable with Kelly. If asked why, I couldn’t say other than that he didn’t seem to expect anything from me, and maybe because we were the most alike.
We stopped for ice cream, even though the temp was less than twenty degrees. Gabe had to feed me mine. But the hot fudge and sugary strawberry mixture tasted like heaven. Kelly had dialed Dr. Tynsen for me and held the phone up so I could schedule my appointment. She told me to come by in the morning. I relayed the message to Jamie, who would be driving.
After we got home and everyone left, Gabe kissed me on the forehead. “Blah,” I told him. “I feel gross. Like all the hospital ick is on me.”
“Wanna take a bath together?” he asked.
I glanced down at my wrapped hands. “Is it crazy to want a bath so bad? Is it more of my head thing?” I waved my hands at him. “What about these?”
“I’ve got a solution for those. And no it’s not crazy. At least not right now.” He dug through a couple drawers until he found the batch of recycled plastic bags, some tape, and rubber bands. “Give me a second to get the water running and I’ll be back to fix you up.”
I scooped up the supplies and followed him to the bathroom. He adjusted the water temp until it poured into the tub in a steamy flow. I sat on the edge just breathing in the warm moisture of it.
Gabe bent over and tugged off my shoes and socks, then reached up to unbutton my pants. “Can you tell me when your head is giving you trouble?”
“It’s always giving me trouble.”
“I mean the kind of trouble when you were cleaning the counter.”
“The counter was dirty.”
“It wasn’t. You just thought it was.”
“So I should ask you if the counter is dirty first?” That sounded stupid.
“Maybe. If it helps.” He peeled away my shirt and brushed my hair up into a ponytail, leaving the final loop up under the binder so the long length wouldn’t be dragging in the water. The bags around my hands made them sort of sweat, but it wasn’t bad.
“I will try.” I told Gabe as he helped me into the tub and began stripping himself. He wasn’t hard, but neither was I. Maybe he didn’t want to have sex with me. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.
“That’s all I ask.” He got in behind me and tugged me against his chest. I sat in his lap in the warm water, his happy resting against my back—it was partially happy now, maybe because he was touching me? “I love you.”
I sighed and laid back to rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m so broken.”
“Cracked, not broken. You were hurt a long time ago. Long before we ever met. I just want you to keep working on fixing yourself, mending that crack before it really does break. Not to be perfect, but to be happy. I make you happy, right?”
“Yeah.” Right now I was happy wrapped in his arms. “I love you. Don’t leave me.”
“I’m right here.” He kissed my cheek and soaped up a washrag to run over my tired body. It was a sleepy contentment that kept me in his arms, as loose as a rag doll.
We just enjoyed the feeling of each other’s presence. When we finally went to bed, he wrapped me up in warm flannel and tucked me in with a light kiss on the lips—I was already half asleep. Then he disappeared into the living room to do whatever it was vampires did all night. The bed was a lot lonelier without him.
The morning brought Jamie and a bag of bandages. He rewrapped each hand and cleaned the kitchen while I watched. My hands looked gross, wet, cracked, covered in scabs, and red. He had carefully applied some sort of cream before wrapping them up again. The towels I’d used that night had been thrown out. Jamie said there was so much cleaner on them they weren’t safe to go through the wash. And the cleaner had been the kind that was supposed to be used with gloves. All cleaning solutions had been removed from the house, replaced with natural products, or so Jamie told me.
Doing anything without hands was pretty hard, from peeing to trying to make breakfast. E-mail was fairly easy. I clicked into the new inbox, somewhat surprised at how empty it was. No hate mail. Just a confirmation of the new message from my doctor and one from an unknown address. I clicked it open hesitantly. The whole thing made my head spin.
Seiran,
Saw you on the news recently. Knew you’d grow up to be a looker. I miss riding your ass. I’ll see you soon. May even bring a few friends.
Yours,
Matthew Pierson
It’d been eight years since I’d seen him last. The words sounded ominous—like he was going to find me whether I wanted him to or not. Struggling to breathe, I deleted the e-mail, cleared my trash, and logged out. The day could only get better, right? Even if memories of Brock were being replaced with ones of Matthew.
I arrived at the doctor’s office tired and in much of the same fog I had been last week. Only Jamie had parked the car, walked me to the building. He sat down in the lobby and made himself comfortable. “I’ll wait until you’re done.”
“It could be hours,” I protested.
“So it will be hours.” He pulled a textbook out of his bag, something about medicine. “I’ve got a test to study for, so don’t rush on my account.”
I started at him for a minute, not sure what to do. Not like I’d be doing much or going anywhere anyway. Hard to function, being the freak with big white gauze-covered hands. So I made my way into the familiar office.
Dr. Tynsen closed the door, and I settled onto the couch. “I want to go through the incident with Brock. No matter what,” I told her. Whatever was making me unable to perform for Gabe had to end. I wanted to be me again.
“I understand. Let’s get started.” She began speaking in that soothing tone.
I closed my eyes, knowing I’d gone under when I heard Brock’s strong voice. “You are beautiful.”
His cock pounded into me in a pain I had never felt before. Most of it was emotional. I fought with my own psyche while it tried to pull me out of the memory. Focusing on the pain had kept me conscious that day. He’d slammed into me while casting the inheritance spell and probably planning a million ways to use my power to do this to someone else.
Kelly.
I thought of my friend’s smiling face and bright happy eyes. Had we met sooner, things might have been different for us. Maybe I wouldn’t have been fooled by Brock. Maybe I wouldn’t be so broken. Maybe we both would have been killed.
That was a lot of maybes.
Brock’s death had saved Kelly’s life. That had to mean something.
The pulses of pain faded to a dark memory of one of Matthew’s many accomplices. He’d been too large for me, and though I cried, he hadn’t stopped. Matthew often watched, seemed to almost enjoy that more than participating. The trip to the doctor had revealed damage that took more than a few days to heal, but I never said a word about it to anyone. Not to Matthew, the school, or even my mother.
I shoved the memory aside and waited for the next to hit me. There had been hundreds of men. Many of them cycled through my head in faceless masses. Looking back, some were much like Matthew, and I pretended I wasn’t always willing, though I had initiated a lot of those encounters. Consent was a tricky slope, right? How Gabe still tolerated my presence was unimaginable. Did he know how dirty I really was? How many men had fucked me, touched me, used me? Until one finally messed me up so badly there was no going back. Sadly, it all came back to Brock.
“Say it,” he had growled at me. I let him fuck me and waited until he was almost at the end.
What would have changed if I’d said those stupid words? Given him my power? I’d be dead. My pain would be over.
“Fuck.” He shoved into me harder, holding my hips with bruising force in both hands, knife lost at his side. I felt his body twitch in that final warning. “Say it!” Then he was coming and clinging to me, trying to make it last.
What if I hadn’t spoken the words to make me Pillar? What if I’d hexed him then? He’d probably have killed me fairly quickly since I didn’t have the power of Gaea behind me yet. What if I’d put more force behind that knife?
He and I screamed together.
I’d become earth Pillar to save my life. The Earth had poured through me far more intimately than anyone else ever had. It invaded every fiber of my soul, threaded through each cell, and wrapped me in an iron embrace. Those few seconds before his fist had sent me flying across the room, I felt the entire breath of the Earth, from its wide turns to the smallest amoeba surging to life. Earth had always been the apex of elemental magic. All four elements combined with the fifth, which was the human spirit, could accomplish anything. But nothing had quite the power of the Earth. The Earth could create and destroy in a single heartbeat. In that moment it had destroyed and recreated me.
“Count backward from one hundred,” a voice was saying. “Deep even breaths.”
The pain subsided, though I trembled something fierce and tasted blood. My neck throbbed and my back ached like it had after hitting the wall. I followed the numbers down and the world came back. Dr. Tynsen sat in her chair shifted away from me. “You’re still trembling. Do you need to count again?”
My whole body hurt and I was oddly light-headed. Nausea gripped my stomach. My bruised spine throbbed in time with a pulsing headache forming behind my eyes. Something about this memory was different this time—wrong.
The shivering slowed enough so I could move, but I was somewhat weak in the knees. The blinds had been pulled, and only the overhead light glowed down on us. How much time had I lost? The clock read just before noon. A few hours. How did a memory make me so sick? Wasn’t this hypnosis thing supposed to make me better? I fought back a gag and swallowed several times, willing myself not to throw up.
“Perhaps I should go get your brother?” Dr. Tynsen asked.
“Please” was all I could say. I needed to be home. I needed to be safe. Something was wrong. My heart pounded, and despite focusing on my breathing I couldn’t calm it. I could almost feel him inside of me. In my head. Not Brock. Matthew.
She got up from her chair, leaving the door to the room mostly closed when she left. I relaxed into the couch and let my eyes shut, trying to focus on my breathing. Sure, I hadn’t been sleeping well, but there was no reason I should be this tired. Maybe I was coming down with something.
“Knew you’d grow up pretty.”
My eyes flew open and I stared into Matthew’s green gaze. He leaned over me, looking older than I last remembered, but not by much. I tried to say something, but nothing came out except a gargled bit of noise. Terror kept my body frozen in place, as it had when Brock damaged my spine. I kept my breathing shallow, until pops of stars around my sight reminded me I wasn’t getting enough air, and my heart pounded hard enough to hurt. This can’t be real!
“Happy to see me?” He smiled like I remembered, faint tilt to the corners of his lips. His fingers traced my face, down my chest, and cupped my balls, squeezing me lightly. “No? I don’t excite you anymore? I have a lot of friends I can bring along.”
Dread pooled in my stomach. How many times had I waited in fear for him to come to me? No one ever roomed with me at military school because Matthew put them in other bunks, anywhere but with me. Cut me off from everyone else.
I closed my eyes again as the tremble took complete control, and bit my lip to keep from screaming. This was all in my head. He wasn’t really there. He couldn’t hurt me. Oh please, don’t let him be able to hurt me.
“Seiran?”
I refused to open my eyes. Tears streamed down my cheeks. If I opened my mouth, I’d scream and probably wouldn’t stop. It’d been eight years. I’d never realized how much I’d feared him until now. He’d go away if I willed it. He had to be all in my head. I didn’t think I could survive him being real.
Strong hands gripped my shoulders hard and shook me lightly. “Seiran?”
I fought him with everything I had, lashing out with fists first. No way was I going to let it happen again. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I thrashed, kicking, punching, and screaming—anything to get away. His arms clamped around me, locking my arms at my side.
“Stop, Seiran, stop. It’s Jamie. Please stop. It’s just me. Your brother. Do you remember? I smell like Jamie, don’t I?” He eased his grip on my arms. His hair fell over my face and he rubbed his head against mine lightly, likely appealing to my lynx’s sense of smell.
He did smell like Jamie, the mix of vanilla shampoo, cinnamon gum, and unscented deodorant, which always smelled soapy to me. I kept hearing Matthew’s voice in my head. Was he still there? Maybe even pretending to be Jamie just to fool me?
I struggled to open my eyes and look at him, fearing it was another trick, but Jamie looked down at me, eyes wide with concern. I threw my arms around his neck and wept, shaking so hard I was dizzy.
“Shush. It’s okay.” He carried me out of the room, and I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more at that moment than the safety of his arms. I felt like a little kid: battered, abused, and so lost.
I didn’t remember getting home. Just Jamie’s warmth while he held me the whole time. He must not have driven us. Maybe a cab? He left me with Gabe, and I must have dozed because I lost some time. When I awoke Gabe was gone from the bed. I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. The sound of voices drifted faintly from the other room.
“It’s only getting worse,” Jamie said. “You didn’t see him in the office. Hell, I hope to never see him that way again. He was terrified, so afraid he was physically ill.”
“The doctor said it would get worse before it got better. They’ve all said that,” Gabe replied. “Maybe these are just demons he had to face.” He paused, then said, “Don’t look at me like that. I don’t want him to suffer any more than you do.”
“Maybe if he didn’t feel he had to push himself, he’d be okay.”
“I don’t know what you’re implying.”
“I should take him to my place for a while.”
“Right,” Gabe retorted. “’Cause the last time he was there he nearly broke out in hives.”
“I’ve gotten better at cleaning. I even have professionals come in twice a week.”
“Wouldn’t matter. You saw what he did to his hands. The kitchen wasn’t even dirty.”
“I cleaned the blood off the counters. I know what he did.”
“Then why the sudden change of heart? Do you want me to institutionalize him again?” Gabe demanded.
“He’s angry with himself for not being able to have sex with you. That’s why he’s pushing himself so hard. Have you read any of those articles I’ve bookmarked for you? It can take him years to recover. Are you willing to wait years?” Jamie sounded far away.
I got up from the bed and snuck to the door. Gabe sat on the chaise looking beautiful—perfect—as always, and Jamie paced the living room like a tiger in a cage.
“I’ve already waited years. Time means little to me.” Gabe sorted through the mail, tossing much of it into a trashcan placed near his feet.
“And what about me?”
“What about you? How many years ago did you approach me asking for a job so you could get close to him without alarming him? I let you do it because you’re his family. What you do with that bond is your choice. But you know I will stand between the two of you if I need to.”
“I just want him to be happy, safe, loved. Is that too much to ask?” Jamie flopped down onto the couch, anger seeming to deflate his energy. “These sessions are making him worse. He’s never had so many nightmares, and he’s not sleeping more than a few hours at a time. He’s barely eating. Can’t you see all of this is killing him?”
Gabe sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’ll call Tanaka. See if we can ease back on the requirements. If I explain, maybe she can convince the Dominion it is best that we take care of Seiran in a different way. He needs help. Neither of us are professionals. All we can do is be there for him. Tanaka has the final say on his treatment.”
Jamie laughed angrily. “Right, because she’s so helpful. Like she convinced the Dominion not to kill our dad? He died begging me to take care of Seiran.”
“Is that how you see him? An obligation? A replacement for your dad? Maybe you need to spend some time examining your feelings.”
“Having been dead a few millennia will sort that out for me, right? What’s your goal? To make him your focus? Make sure he’s good and messed up so that when you do, you have full control of him? Make him some kind of puppet now that he’s Pillar of earth? Maybe you even planted the idea in his head. I know how you vampires love your mind control.” Jamie practically radiated anger. I’d never seen him that mad.
“You’re over the line. Get out, Browan.”
They both moved. Jamie toward the door, anger in every step, and Gabe popped up from the chaise and headed toward the bedroom. The elevator dinged open. I jumped back into bed, hands quaking. Despite the bandages, I shoved them under my butt to hide the worst of it. Gabe opened the door and stripped out of everything but his boxers and socks. He crawled in beside me, almost as warm as I remembered Jamie being. Thankfully all his anger seemed to be at Jamie because there was none in his eyes when he looked at me.
“Will you make love to me?” I asked him quietly.
He twirled my long hair between his fingers and kissed me, his expression neutral again. “Not tonight. You’ve had a rough day.”
“Don’t you want me anymore?”
Gabe’s fingers tickled my scalp before he gave me another kiss. “Silly question. I always want you. You are more than just a warm body. You’re my life.”
I sighed and curled into his embrace. “We can do it if you want,” I told him.
“What?”
“Make me your focus. I’ll say the words and everything. I’m okay, really.”
He shook his head and wrapped an arm around me. “Remember our first date?”
“Mhmm.” He’d kissed me and jerked me off in his car, then taken me upstairs to his place to make love to me. No one had cared enough before him to bring me to their place or even keep me around for more than a one-off. Even if I’d have let them.
“How did you get my phone number anyway?” Gabe asked.
“Randy.”
His lips turned up at the corners in a small smile, letting the neutral mask slip away. “Oh.”
“Did you do him?” I had really become the jealous type lately.
“No. His pack and I had crossed paths before. I try to remember the little ones, enemies or not. Randy always reminded me of an over-exuberant puppy. He was always getting into trouble that someone was fishing him out of. On at least one occasion that was me. Best thing he ever did was bring you to that Halloween party.”
“Where we met.”
“Yep.”
I sighed into his arms, and relaxed a little. “Do you think I’ll ever get better?” I searched his face for answers, hoping to find some secret key there.
“Yes. And I’m willing to wait as long as you need.” The happiness in his eyes gave me more hope than anything I’d experienced in months.
“You’re too perfect,” I grumbled, wishing I knew how to reciprocate his feelings.
“Except that you hate the smell of my shampoo and the fact that I wear socks all the time,” he pointed out.
“I don’t hate your shampoo, it’s just strong.” The light-pink button-up hanging in the closet and the wing-tipped loafers? Those I hated. The sock thing I just didn’t understand. I liked being barefoot when I could—letting my feet breathe. Gabe had more socks than most women had shoes. “What do you not like about me?”
He appeared thoughtful, then scrunched up his nose in a way I knew he’d be teasing me. “Hmm. Do I have to make a list?”
I smacked his hip.
He chuckled. “You snore.”
“What?”
“Not terribly, just loud breathing, like. It’s especially bad after the new moon. When you’re a lynx, it’s kind of this cute little snuffle.”
“You don’t like when I snore?”
“And when you use my brush,” he said seriously, glancing toward the dresser where I’d left his brush earlier this evening.
“I could be smelly and dirty and mean, but all that bugs you is my snoring and brush usage?”
“You take care of your own bills, clean up after yourself, aren’t mean, smelly, or dirty. There really isn’t much else to worry me.”
“Lines of men.”
“Hoping for a chance?”
“Who’ve already climbed aboard.” That hurt to say. A lump formed in my throat when I realized I’d just reminded him of my sordid past. “I remembered a lot of them today when I was at the doctor. No faces really. And I don’t think I was always all that willing. It just sort of became habit. A way to lose the pain for a few minutes, but they all left me feeling dirty.”
Gabe eased his hand down to run circles around my lower back. “Did they mean anything to you?”
Matthew had, for a while at least. “Only one.” And he still haunted me.
Gabe sighed and shook his head. “The past only hurts if you let it. You’re stronger than these memories, a better person than you think you are. I know your depression has a lot to do with it. I also know it will pass. Sleep, please. You haven’t been. I’m right here with you.”
But my mind still raced. “If you were going to make me your focus, what would we have to do?” If I were his focus, we’d be bound forever. So even when he did find out about all the things I’d done in the past, he couldn’t leave me. Would he hate me for forcing him to tie himself to someone so dirty?
“You’d take my blood and say ‘from you to me until the sun forever breaks.’”
“Forever breaks like death, right? Kind of lamely poetic.”
“I think it’s more about the feeling than the actual words,” he said.
Most things in life were. “What’s it like? Being a focus.”
“You’d become more like me.”
“Like I’d have to drink blood? Gross.”
He laughed lightly. “No. You’d share my strength and my long life. My thoughts and dreams. It’s a connection. Our souls would be bound together, if you believe in such a thing. I’ve heard some can communicate telepathically to their focus, borrow power from each other, as well as share emotion. I wonder if I could help you even out all this stuff in your head.”
“So you’d know everything in my head as soon as we did it?”
Gabe nodded. “It’s not that easy, of course. We all have natural boundaries and barriers to keep things we don’t want others to know locked away. The idea is that we would trust and love each other enough not to care what skeletons might be hidden.” He kissed my forehead again. “Nothing you can show me is going to tear me away from you.”
I thought about that for a while, not sure if I could believe him. I really wanted to believe him. “In the movies, they’re slaves. Like the guy who ate bugs. You’d never make me eat bugs, right?”
Gabe snorted a laugh. “Never. The movies get a lot of things wrong. I can compel you to do things now because I’ve had your blood. That would make you a slave. If I give you mine in return, it gives you power over me. A balance, per se.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad.” I traced the muscles of his upper arm, liking the way my touch brought goose flesh to his skin. His cock was hard and ready against my hip, but neither one of us moved to make this time more physically intimate than it already was. “I’m surprised you haven’t had a focus before.”
He frowned and looked into the distance for a few seconds. “Vampires are most often killed by their focus. The ones we keep the closest are the ones most dangerous to us. I don’t ever want you to hate me that much. And I’ve never loved anyone else enough to chance tying myself to them. There’s no way to release the focus bond other than death.”
I snuggled against his chest and closed my eyes. “I never could hurt you.” And I couldn’t imagine any circumstances that would force me to change my mind. “We’ll do the bond soon,” I told him.
“When you’re better,” he promised.