Garden Variety was the only shop in the whole district where I could happily spend my time doing nothing but people-watch while I sipped my coffee. They served coffee varieties from all over Mars, under a huge glass solarium filled with exotic plants from Earth. What I loved most was the fountain in the middle and the tiny little wrought-iron tables and chairs spread out around it. It was what I imagined the Old World of Earth had looked like before it disappeared under the rising waters after the polar ice caps melted centuries ago.
I sat at a table, an untouched latte in front of me. I’d selected a spot away from the rest, surrounded by colorful orchids and ferns. Giving my chain-breaker security the slip had proved impossible, but at least I’d gotten them to wait outside rather than follow me into the shop. I trusted Vieira to have a way to work around them as he had in Apolli. Otherwise, the meeting might be over before it started. Brody had offered to sit with me, but once we’d actually reached the coffee shop, I found I wanted to be alone with Vieira. This was about me. My family. My history. My decision. I wanted to hear what Vieira said before anyone else could jump in with their opinions or try to influence me.
I didn’t wait long. One minute, I tapped my nails anxiously on the tabletop, staring into the fountain. The next, Vieira stood a few feet away. He was alone, which surprised me. I expected he might have bodyguards. Maybe he did for all I knew.
He took the empty chair across from me. In the filtered sunlight coming through the glass overhead, I noticed his eyes weren’t blue as I’d originally thought. They were green, like mine. For a long time, we just looked at each other. Then I had to look down into my mug because I wasn’t sure what to do next, and noticed the heart design on my latte had disappeared. I found that upsetting. Finally I sighed. I was better than this, damn it.
“Thank you for agreeing to see me,” he said quietly.
“It was hard not to, considering how you’ve been chasing me all over Mars the past few sols.”
He laughed at that, and despite the rumors I’d heard about him, I found his laugh charming. No wonder the man had three mistresses on the go.
“I can be persistent. I’m told it’s one of my best traits. Quite useful in getting things done.”
“And in no way creepy.”
“You’re a difficult woman to pin down.”
“I assume you got around the security detail Alexei has watching me whenever I leave the house?”
He shrugged modestly. “I’ve played this game for nearly sixty years. Petriv made things challenging, but not impossible. Unfortunately, I had to resort to sordid when I would have preferred straightforward. I apologize, but I was uncertain how to reach you otherwise.”
“You make it sound like he’s holding me prisoner.”
“No, nothing like that. He merely wants the things he cares about to be left undisturbed. You are his sanctuary from the rest of the world, so he goes to great lengths to protect you. Believe me, I understand that better than most. However, you are my granddaughter, and after all this time, I thought it only fair that I be allowed to see you.”
“Well, here I am. Not sure if I’m what you expected, but this is me. Sorry if you’re disappointed.”
He smiled kindly. “I’m not. I really do wish your grandmother could be here, but we couldn’t both be off-world. One Gov doesn’t run itself.”
“But Secretary Arkell’s the one in charge. He makes the final decisions, right?” I asked before realizing I didn’t honestly know how One Gov conducted business. I just knew it was a huge bureaucracy that monitored and regulated all aspects of society from birth until death, and everything in between. It told us how to live our lives, what sort of employment we could have, whether we could have children, and if so, how many. We had to report in via the CN-net how much we exercised, what we ate and how much per our calorie consumption allotment. One Gov even decided on our physical appearance for the most part—all to ensure a healthy, happy citizenship that would be the greatest society in the history of the human race. However, as for how all those controls worked and what went on behind the scenes, I was as in the dark as the rest of the tri-system.
“Yes, I suppose nominally he does. But I’ve been through six such Secretaries and sometimes all the hand-holding and information channeling become exhausting,” he said. “Perhaps it explains how the Consortium gained the foothold it did. However, that’s not something I want to talk about with you.”
“But you will eventually,” I pressed, eyes narrowing. “If I’m just a means to getting information on the Consortium, I’m leaving.”
“No, Felicia. Never. I suppose it’s impossible for it not to seem like that, but…” He looked at me, his expression troubled. “Your grandmother and I never thought things would turn out as they did. We were so careful with Monique, giving her the best of everything. She was smart, ambitious, and beautiful. We were so proud. But somehow, it all went wrong. She had this idea that she needed to prove herself on her own or it didn’t matter. Perhaps I encouraged that independence, demanding perfection and success above everything. That’s why she changed her name to Vallaincourt—so it wouldn’t be associated with me or anything One Gov. Her successes would be on her own merit and no one could say she traded on her family’s power and reputation.
“She’d no sooner finished her education than she disappeared. We discovered she’d gotten married and had a child, and she wouldn’t let us be part of that. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have your own child run from you and not want you to be part of her life. We didn’t know what we’d done wrong or how we’d driven her away. All we wanted was for her to succeed, yet everything we did was somehow wrong. We took whatever scraps she would give us. The irony turns my stomach sometimes. I control the lives on three planets, but couldn’t control my own daughter.”
“And did you know what was going on?” I asked harshly, leaning forward, daring him to take her side. “Did you know what she was doing and how she used me?”
“I knew,” he admitted, looking upset. “She needed One Gov’s permission to conduct her research, and I gave it to her. It was the only way she would let us see her. And even then, she wouldn’t let your grandmother or myself visit with you. She said we would contaminate the sample, though we didn’t truly understand what she meant. It wasn’t until after her death we realized the full extent of what she’d done. We were horrified. She was a genius, even as a child. We were so proud of her, and we thought she would perform miracles someday. We had no idea that she’d made full-body clones of you and experimented on those clones. If we had, we never would have allowed it.”
“I was just an experiment to her and she would have killed me in the end. You know that, right?” I railed, just in case he wasn’t clear on that detail. “Your crazy daughter would have murdered me if I’d gotten in her way. If it wasn’t for Alexei, she would have made my life a living hell.”
Vieira looked stricken. “You have no idea how much we regret what our inaction caused you. It was only later that we became aware of her psychopathic tendencies. Perhaps our geneticists aren’t as careful at screening as we’d thought. You can’t imagine how it tore our family apart once we learned the truth.”
“And you know how it ended and what happened?” I pressed, because even though I was angry, I was scared too. How much did he know?
“We have…accounts and been able to reconstruct what happened. We don’t blame you, if that’s what you think. I’m not here for vengeance. We just wish things had gone differently. If it’s anyone’s fault, perhaps it’s mine for pushing her to be the best. Then we wouldn’t have lost you in the process.”
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to cry because I could see how much regret he harbored, or be pissed because it was too little, too late. “Don’t feel like you need to beat yourself up. My life wasn’t so bad.”
“Perhaps not, but it could have been so much more. We could have given you everything.”
His words so echoed what Alexei had said earlier, I couldn’t help but shiver. Vieira truly believed he could give me the world, which made me wonder what more could I want that I didn’t already have.
He fell silent then, as if he’d said more than he intended and needed a moment to recover. I looked down at my mug because his eyes were overly bright and it didn’t seem fair to watch his struggle. I sipped my latte, then put it down since it was cold.
Finally he asked, “Did you ever wonder about us? Who we were or why we weren’t there?”
“I know this sounds awful, but I assumed you were dead. I didn’t really think about you. I’m sorry.”
“That was never how it was supposed to be. We always wanted you in our lives. Maybe things might have been different if Monique hadn’t…It doesn’t matter now. It’s the past. We want something different for our future, and we’re hoping you could be part of it.”
Uh-oh. And here came the pitch. “I’m not really sure what that means.”
“We’d like to have a relationship with you, if you’ll let us. We’d hoped we could give you the family you didn’t have; well, I suppose I mean the other side of your heritage, since I’m aware you have more than enough family on your father’s side. I’m afraid you might find us terribly disappointing. On Earth, there are just three of us—your grandmother, myself, and my mother. Tanith’s parents live on Luna Prime, so it’s rare we see them. My father has passed but my mother still roams the family estate in Brasília, terrorizing the servants—truly a force of nature. If you have a temper, you get it from her.”
“I don’t think I have a temper,” I said, just to have something to say when he looked at me expectantly. “At least, I don’t think so, but maybe other people feel differently. I do seem to be surrounded by drama on a regular basis.” Kind of like this situation now, I added to myself.
“I know this may seem overwhelming, but I want you to know how serious we are. We want you in our lives, and for you to feel like you’re part of something more. Your grandmother very much wanted to be here, but as I said, Arkell can’t be left on his own. Tanith is very good at keeping him in line, most of the time. Perhaps someday you’ll come to Earth and meet her in person. I know she would love to see who you’ve become.”
Go back to Earth? Was he serious? This had to be the most bizarre, surreal conversation I’d ever had in my life. And yet at the same time, as weird as it might be, I could see he was sincere. He was also lonely.
“We wouldn’t get in the way of your relationship with Petriv,” he rushed on. “I know it might be awkward at first, given who he is. We have no wish for him to view us as a threat to him or anything involving the Consortium. Perhaps in time, he and I could come to some sort of terms with regards to balancing our personal and public lives for you, if that would make you feel more comfortable. And if you were to have a child, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask, perhaps we could have a relationship with him, or her. We would love to be a part of that future.”
Gods, a child? A child I didn’t even have a father lined up for yet, and there he was, already making playdates?
“You do realize I was blacklisted from the Shared Hope program for most of my life.”
“Yes, and that’s been corrected. You have a standing appointment for both you and whomever you choose as the father-elect to have your fertility inhibitors removed at any fertility clinic in the tri-system. Although if Petriv is your choice, he’ll have his own methods of working around the Shared Hope program restrictions.”
“I…You’ve given me a lot to think about,” I said because it seemed like I had to keep talking or I’d shatter the illusion this was a normal conversation. Going back to Earth, a great-grandchild, getting along with Alexei like one happy family and the past hadn’t happened…Did he have any idea how impossible it all sounded?
“I can see I’ve overwhelmed you. I knew better than to lay everything out in such a manner but I was uncertain I’d have another opportunity. Just tell me you won’t dismiss what I’ve said out of hand. At least consider what your life could be like before you decide. That’s all I ask.”
He reached out to take my hand. I jerked away, my movements sending my mug flying to the ground, where it smashed on the cobblestones. I stood up quickly, my chair legs scraping roughly on the cobblestones. I felt like maybe if I moved fast enough, I could get away from this moment and forget it had happened. I’d always thought I faced everything head-on, but after last night with Alexei and now this…This was too much.
As if I’d conjured him up, Brody appeared. He caught my hand and pulled me into his chest. “I believe this conversation is over. Felicia has heard everything she needs to hear,” he said, his arm around my shoulders.
“Felicia, please. Just tell me you’ll think about what I’ve said,” Vieira begged, rising from his seat. “Promise at least that much.”
“Ignore him,” Brody murmured, a hand now rubbing my back. “We’re leaving.”
For a moment, I considered letting Brody whisk me away. The expression on Vieira’s face stopped me. The supposedly most dangerous man in the tri-system looked like I was about to stomp all over his heart. He wasn’t angry or didn’t seem like he’d burst into a tirade of fury. He just appeared defeated and hopeless. How could I leave him like that? I couldn’t.
Stepping away from Brody, I hugged the Under-Secretary of One Gov, who also happened to be my grandfather. He smelled like some kind of sweet spice and his jacket was scratchy under my cheek. It was a quick, almost blink-and-you-miss-it moment, but at least I’d done it. He certainly hadn’t expected it at any rate, because his arms were motionless at his sides, only moving to catch me after I’d already gone.
“It was nice to meet you. I promise I’ll think about what you said.”
Just as hurriedly, I brushed past Brody and the other coffee shop patrons, until I was out on the street. I took huge, gasping breaths of air, finally feeling like I had space and everything wasn’t crowding around me. I hugged myself, as if I could stop my heart from beating like it wanted to get out from behind my ribs. Was this what a panic attack felt like? Was that what was happening to me?
“Felicia?” I heard Brody somewhere nearby, asking questions that seemed to have impossible answers.
I said the only thing that made sense to me. “I want to go home.”
Disregarding my chain-breaker security and the waiting flight-limo, Brody hailed an air-hack. One arrived in seconds. It spoke to my state of mind that I didn’t think to question him. I just climbed in, making room for Brody when he slid in next to me and slammed the door. The air-hack smelled like body odor and leather, the cushioned seat was lumpy, and the floor stained from countless shoes. It was nowhere near as smooth as a flight-limo and it darted into the stream of low street traffic with a jerk that made my stomach roil. When the auto-drone asked for address input, Brody told it to just drive, which left us coasting along in midafternoon traffic.
“Felicia, are you okay?” Brody asked gently. When I didn’t answer, he shook me. “Felicia? Tell me you’re okay.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what reaction I’m supposed to have.”
“Remember, the Justice card. Maybe he thought this would make you happy.”
“It makes me scared, not happy.” I sat back, rubbing my temples. I could feel a crippling headache coming on. “He wants me to go back to Earth. He wants a great-grandchild. He’s planning tea parties with Alexei and the Consortium. What the hell? It’s going to change everything. It’s going to change every part of my life.”
“Nothing needs to change,” he murmured, an arm going around my shoulder. I could feel the calluses on his palm as he rubbed gently. I had the oddest thought in the middle of all this chaos—that I didn’t recall his hands ever being this rough. “You tell him thanks but no thanks. Not interested.”
“I can’t do that. He’s the Under-Secretary. He’s my grandfather. It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. If he wants to see you, you make the rules. Take what you want. Throw the rest back,” he said, pulling me into his chest, his voice going quiet as he rubbed small circles into my skin.
I let him, relaxing under his fingers and letting him soothe me. The feeling was as familiar as looking at the back of Granny G’s Tarot cards and the spinning hypnotic void. Well, not exactly. Something about his touch had changed. I picked up his hand on my shoulder, examining it and running my fingers over the roughened skin. It looked like he’d done hard labor, though I couldn’t imagine what. Any work that physically demanding would typically be done by drones, guided by AI units. You didn’t get hands like that riding the CN-net, running a consulting company.
“What happened to your hands?” I asked, still running my own over his. “What have you been doing the past few years? Digging ditches?”
“A little of this, some of that. You’d be surprised what you have to do to survive sometimes.”
He sounded sad then. It reminded me of Vieira and the despairing look on his face when I left. It upset me to think I could be responsible for making anyone that sad. I laced my fingers through Brody’s, holding our hands up together and noting how much larger his was than mine.
“What kind of things did you have to do? What were you trying to survive?” I wanted to know, still looking at our joined hands.
“Someday I’ll tell you about it. Just not right now.”
“Okay.” I unlaced our fingers and looked at his palm again. “These will go away eventually. Why don’t you use a skin renewal patch and speed up the process?”
“Because I don’t want to forget the reason why I have them or where they came from.” The words were said close to my ear.
“Doesn’t sound like it’s a pleasant story,” I guessed.
He slid his fingers back through mine. “It isn’t, but it doesn’t seem important right now.”
“I’m sorry anything bad ever happened to you. I’d always hoped that wherever you ended up after you left Earth, you’d at least be happy. But I can see that probably wasn’t the case.”
I’d settled in against him, lulled by the gentleness in his voice and something as innocent as studying the palm of his hand. His scent enveloped me, and it suddenly threw me back in time. Funny how scent could do that, triggering memories I thought I’d forgotten. He smelled like whatever soap he’d used and something that was unique to him I couldn’t even name but had grown to love. Something elusive I’d catch whenever we lay naked together, after we’d made love. Alexei wasn’t like this. He wore a subtle cologne whose smell I’d come to associate with him—dark, decadent, and so sinfully good, I had to have him whatever the cost. Brody’s scent was uncomplicated, simple, and so achingly familiar, it had me turning in toward him so I could smell more.
As I turned, my eyes seemed to be even with his mouth, my forehead on his cheek. He’d gone very still and his breathing was shallow as I rested against him, looking at his lips.
“Felicia, tell me what you want. Tell me what you need me to be and I’ll be it,” he said quietly.
“I don’t know what I want,” I answered, just as softly. “Why did you have to come back and make this complicated?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, though he didn’t sound sorry. His head lowered an inch. “Just tell me you’re glad I’m here. At least say you wanted to see me again.”
I felt the light scratching of stubble along his jaw and my nose brushed against his. “I am. I did. You know, I really did want to go with you to Mars back then, but I couldn’t.”
“I know. Maybe that’s why it feels like we never really let each other go.”
We hovered there, skirting the edge, lips close but not touching, breathing each other’s breath. My hand rose up to brush against his chest, not sure what it was supposed to be doing—pushing him away or reaching up to bring him in closer. Uncertain, I rested it there and felt his heart beating wildly under my hand.
“Do you ever wish for something so badly, it consumes your every thought, and when you’re finally lucky enough to get it, you’re not sure what to do with it?” he asked, his lips brushing my skin with every other word. I shook my head, not sure how to answer. “Because that’s what this feels like. You’re here and now I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. All I know for certain is I don’t want to ruin this moment.”
“Do you think you will?”
“I know I will, so whatever you want from me, I’m leaving it up to you.”
What did I want from him? I had no idea, but I was curious enough to find out. So I plunged in for both of us and kissed him.
Slowly, carefully, our lips brushed. It was so tentative, it was like we each thought the other person would break. Or rather, the kind of kiss you might give if you weren’t sure what you were doing or if the one you were kissing even wanted it in the first place. But it only took a moment for my body to remember what it was supposed to do and how it used to move with his. Only a second before I pressed into him. My hand slid up his chest and over his shoulder until my fingers rested lightly along the back of his neck.
It was as if I’d finally given Brody the sign he’d been waiting for. Instantly the kiss deepened. His mouth descended swiftly on mine, opening my lips with his tongue in a kiss that suddenly felt as familiar as it did wrong. It was like I could actually taste the pent-up desire and fierce longing he’d carried with him all this time. Everything spoke to how much he wanted me, how badly he’d wanted to do this from the first moment he saw me. I could sense it in how he held me, how his mouth slanted over mine, and the force in his lips, the glide of his tongue. He wanted this so desperately, he no longer cared who knew, who saw, or what it might do to the rest of his life.
The kiss made me remember how much I’d once wanted this, wanted him. How I’d spent hours kissing him until my lips were swollen and raw. He would kiss me dizzy and breathless while his hands did things that left me aching for him. Things Alexei could do as well, but Alexei swallowed me whole, consuming and commanding until I ecstatically went where he demanded. With Brody, it was never about one person dominating another. There was always laughter, fun, and an openness between us where I never had to worry I might say or do the wrong thing. I could do or be anything I wanted, and he’d be right there at my side, willing to give it a try.
I could feel myself weakening and sinking into him. My head tipped back against the seat, and my tongue stroked his. It was enough for him to groan into my mouth, to slide his hands over me until I felt the brush of his fingertips against my breast. At the touch, my nipples instantly contracted. I could feel a restlessness stirring in my gut as his hand drifted to my thigh, then to the hem of my dress, then under it. It was like my body already knew what was about to happen and couldn’t wait to make itself ready for him. The only thing it wanted was for us to hurry up and get to where we needed to be because it would feel so good when we did.
No. This was not happening! I pulled away, pushing hard against Brody’s chest. The moment I did, his grip loosened, and I broke free. I slid as far away as the air-hack seat would allow, my back pressed to the door. Gods, what was I doing? What the hell was I even thinking?
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. This was a mistake,” I blurted.
The disappointment on his face stabbed straight at my heart. “You know that isn’t true. We both wanted this. The only mistake was when I left you in Nairobi without looking back. When I discovered you were here on Mars, I knew this was the universe letting us have a second chance.”
The words so closely mirrored the feeling in my gut, it was terrifying. “This isn’t a second chance. This is me being stupid and confused. I couldn’t commit to you the way you wanted then, and I can’t now.”
“You know he’ll never make you happy. He can’t give you what you want. I can.”
“How do you even know what I want anymore? It’s been four years. I’m not the same person.”
“Some things don’t change, Felicia. You think they do, but they don’t. Alexei isn’t right for you, and if you opened your eyes, you’d see that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? That I can’t handle Alexei or put up with the Consortium’s demands?”
“You said it yourself: Something is missing in your life. A family. A baby. Someone who cares enough to put you first before everything, or where you’ll never have to worry about what sort of bullshit he’s involved in or where he’s been. I can give you that. You know I can.”
This was crazy! I shouldn’t even be listening to him. But was he right? Could he give me those things? Suddenly, I could picture us together in a way I couldn’t with Alexei. Even after almost six months together and the Tarot at my disposal, I still had trouble imagining what a future with him might be like. Yet with Brody, I could practically see it stretching out in front of me, and it would be nice. In fact, it would probably be damn near perfect. Knowing that potential existed in a place I wasn’t even looking was as scary as hell.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. I love Alexei and you need to forget this ever happened.” I said it as much to convince myself as to convince him.
“I can’t.” His slid across the seat, closing in on me. “Admit you never once wondered what we could have been, and I’ll go away and never look back.”
I couldn’t, because I had wondered. Once, I’d wondered about it more than was probably good for me—not that I could tell him that. Not now, like this.
He seemed to take my silence for the assent it was. He slid across the seat and closed the distance between us.
“Felicia, I’ve been dying for you all this time. Nothing and no one compares to you. If you didn’t feel anything for me, we wouldn’t be here like this. You would have confided to Alexei about Vieira, not me. If he was really the one you thought could give you everything, you wouldn’t so much as look in my direction. But you did, and all I can do is hope this means something to you.” He reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “Tell me this means something.”
Suddenly I felt doubly trapped. By my new grandfather. By my old boyfriend. By all these doors opening up that weren’t supposed to exist because my life was with Alexei. Because I loved him. Didn’t I? Didn’t I love him?
When I said nothing, he asked, “What does your gut tell you?”
And there came the shot of reality I needed. Brody knew about my gut feelings but not the luck gene. Not even I had known about it back then. Right now, my gut urged me in Brody’s direction with the same fierce intensity I’d once felt pushing me toward Alexei. It was doing the thing I’d once confessed to Alexei I’d been afraid might happen—that I would turn away from what I thought I wanted most because something better had come along. Simple question: How could I trust a feeling like that? Simple answer: I couldn’t.
I banged on the autopilot override panel, accessing the air-hack through the CN-net interface. “We’re stopping here!” I yelled into the microphone. “Pull over now!”
The air-hack dropped curbside, the descent rapid enough to turn my stomach. I tore open the door before we’d fully landed, stumbling when I jumped out.
“Felicia, stop!” Brody yelled, following me. “Do you even know where the hell you are?”
“Don’t come near me, Brody. Don’t touch me or kiss me, or do whatever else you’re thinking. We are over and we’re staying over.”
He looked at me, standing half a dozen steps away from the air-hack, his hands curled into fists at his sides. “It’s not safe here. Get back in the air-hack.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Brody let out a breath, angry and clearly frustrated. He gave me a wide berth, circling me until I now stood between him and the air-hack.
“Then you go and I’ll make my own way back. I’m not leaving you out here alone. I’ve already paid for the air-hack. It’ll take you wherever you want.”
I shot him a hard look, mad at him, myself, and this whole sordid chain of events. “I’m going home.”
“And when you get there, what will you tell Alexei?” he asked. “Will you tell him we kissed and how much you wanted it?”
I said nothing, merely got into the air-hack and slammed the door behind me. I gave the autopilot Alexei’s address and didn’t bother looking back. I couldn’t because that would be admitting Brody was right.
Besides, there was nothing to tell. If my chain-breaker security detail reported back the way I suspected they did, Alexei already knew.