Chapter Eighteen

It was 8:00 a.m. sharp, and Lotus was late. Big surprise.

I stood outside the Stone Fertility Clinic security checkpoint, glancing at my c-tex and waiting for a shim to explain her delay while I sipped my coffee. It was all I could do to keep from tapping my toe on the sidewalk as I watched other couples sign in with the One Gov hooahs before entering the clinic. The building itself was squat, square, ugly, and very government-looking. It stood out from the rest of the buildings, refusing to fit in with the architectural flow of the neighborhood. It was like it had gone out of its way to be hideous. Well, at least there wasn’t a protest blocking the entrance. No chance of a firebombing today.

After yesterday’s blindside at the picnic, Lotus had asked if I wanted to go with her and Buckley to their appointment to have their fertility inhibitors removed. That way, I could see how the process worked. Then she winked and nudged me while gesturing to my ring, making me want to slap her. So now I waited, feeling an anxious, fluttering sensation in my chest. Why, I didn’t know. There was no good reason for it. It was just there, kind of like the sun in the sky. Probably because I was excited for Lotus, I decided.

I’d gotten a shim from Alexei asking how the picnic had been and what my plans were for today. My answers were vague: “Good” and “Hanging out with Lotus.” I hadn’t known what else to say, and thankfully I could get away with brief answers on my c-tex; he knew typing replies took me so long, I usually kept them short. How could I explain yesterday and the confusing jumble of emotions swamping me? How could I tell him where I was now? I couldn’t even explain it to myself. My state of mind was tangled and chaotic. Everything felt unpredictable and up in the air.

I sipped my coffee, waiting and getting more annoyed with Lotus—honestly, how had she ever made it to work on time—when I noticed a familiar figure coming toward me. Well, three actually, but only one that made me swear out loud. There were Buckley, Lotus, and beside her, Brody. Fuck. Why was he everywhere I was? What was he trying to do to me? And didn’t the man ever work? I was tempted to shim Alexei and demand to know what was up with Brody, but didn’t. It would mean having to explain a host of things I wasn’t ready to tell him. I’d just upset him and gods knew he didn’t need anything else on his plate. No need to create more problems, or so I justified it to myself.

Still, it was an awful realization to know I wanted to see Brody. The anxious fluttering grew as he came nearer. I was reacting like some stupid lovesick teenager. Gods, I was probably going to start giggling and twirling my hair next.

“Hey, Felicia. Look who we ran into,” Lotus said as they approached me.

“Wow, what a coincidence,” I said, scowling.

“Isn’t it?” Brody agreed. “Such a small world.”

I scowled deeper. “Don’t you ever work?”

“Actually, I seem to find myself at loose ends this morning. Private Consortium meeting and I wasn’t invited. Seems to be happening quite a bit lately.”

“Maybe you’re about to find yourself unemployed,” I replied scathingly.

Brody kept grinning at me, as if the more unpleasant I was, the more he enjoyed it. “Unlikely, but thanks for your concern.”

“You sure you want him here?” I directed the question to Lotus and Buckley. Buckley shrugged as if indifferent to the whole process and was just happy to have time off work. Lotus had a different approach.

“When we ran into him, it seemed like a good idea to ask him to come along.” Which was code for “my gut wanted him there,” so I couldn’t argue with that.

I threw my empty coffee cup into the closest molecule scattering unit, where the cup would be broken down into its base elements and made into some other product. Then we all trooped inside once Lotus had the citizenship chip in her c-tex scanned, with it showing the details of her appointment. Next we went through security, endured a weapons scan, and eventually entered the building. A guide met us at the door—female, tall, slender, with striking blue eyes and light blond hair. Pretty in a way that was almost forgettable because it was so generic. She was a “type,” fitting so well into the landscape of the genetic blueprint One Gov set for humanity, her prettiness didn’t even rate.

Well, that wasn’t necessarily true. Buckley was having a great time checking out her ass while she led the way, taking us down an industrial-looking gray corridor complete with bars on the windows. If he’d been my boyfriend, I would have killed him. Lotus rolled her eyes and gave me a long-suffering look.

“You sure you want to do this with him?” I whispered to her. “Eighteen years is a long time to be tied to someone.”

Her expression was grim. “No, it’s decided. We want to do this.”

“But you could do so much better. You don’t have to settle for…” I waved vaguely in Buckley’s direction.

“At least I know what I’m getting and there’ll be no surprises,” she said, her voice just as hushed as mine. “We can’t all have Russian gods falling into our laps. We also don’t have whatever’s going on here either.” There, a subtle tilt of her head toward Brody. “I prefer to keep my problems uncomplicated.”

Ouch. I kept my mouth shut after that and concentrated on the destination, not the journey.

Eventually we were taken to a small room at the end of the hall. Inside were a few uncomfortable-looking black fabric chairs, a data portal, and an examination table. The institutional gray theme continued, except without windows. That was the thing about One Gov—equality for all meant you couldn’t please everyone. The basics were provided because every full citizen had the same rights and deserved the same treatment, but that was all. If you wanted more, you paid for it. And when you were paying, you were entitled to whatever you could afford.

“Someone will attend to you shortly,” the woman said, leaving us all in the small room and closing the door behind her.

Luckily we didn’t wait long. Otherwise, I had a feeling someone would start fighting—either Lotus and Buckley or myself and Brody. Another female tech entered dressed in a white uniform: short skirt, short-sleeved top, and knee-high boots. Like the other woman, she had One Gov’s logo over her left breast—yellow sun, three white dots representing the planets, all on a black background. She looked similar to the first woman except her hair wasn’t quite as blond. She cast confused glances between Lotus and me.

“Lotus Sevigny?” she asked. “You and the father-elect—Buckley Maslin—are here to have your fertility inhibitors removed?”

“That’s us!” Lotus jumped up from her chair and dragged Buckley after her.

“Your citizenship chips show your reproduction approval permits are in order. It looks like today you’re both here for inhibitor removal and specimen harvesting. Then next week, you’ll be back for your fertilized implant,” she said pleasantly, then looked around the room again. “Would you like your friends to remain, or do you just want the father-elect?”

“My cousin is here because I want her to see what the procedure is like,” Lotus said. “He’s moral support.” The last was said with a wave toward Brody, who leaned against the wall and looked a damn sight more attentive than the father-elect, who was clearly browsing the CN-net given the vacant look on his face.

“Alright,” the tech said, her smile brightening. “Let’s get started.”

“I have a question,” Brody said, hitting the tech with that flirty smile he could do without even trying. “Could you check to see if Felicia Sevigny is on the list for inhibitor removal?”

I stared at him. “Brody, no. Not now.”

He shrugged and met my eyes, arching an eyebrow. “But aren’t you curious? Don’t you want to know if he was telling the truth?”

“I…” He was right. I’d refused to acknowledge it before because part of me just couldn’t believe this might be my new reality, but I was curious.

I turned back to the tech. “Could you check, please?”

“This is highly irregular—”

“Please, I just want to know if I’m on the list, that’s all.”

“If she wants to you check, then check,” Lotus ordered. Then she shot me a look. “You didn’t say anything about filing for a permit at the picnic. Celeste even asked you about babies and you lied to her face. You are so busted when I tell her.”

I smiled wanly. “You and Celeste together can be a little much. She went crazy when she saw the ring, and with every eligible woman in the family about to give birth, I didn’t want to get into it.”

“Hold on,” Brody interrupted. “Every woman in your family is pregnant?”

“Not every woman,” I said defensively. “Lotus isn’t. I’m not.”

“Minor technicality. This time next week, I expect to be one of them, so that leaves you and the old ladies.” Lotus sounded smug, then looked amused. “Can you imagine the Russian as a father? I’m trying to picture it, but I can’t.”

“Found it,” the tech announced, finishing whatever search she’d been conducting through the fertility clinic’s data. “I located your name on the applicants list. It says…Oh…” The woman sounded surprised, then gave Lotus and Buckley an apologetic look. “Felicia Sevigny’s appointment takes precedence over all others. I’m sorry, but I’ll have to escort Ms. Sevigny to the primary care wing where the priority appointments are handled.”

Then the tech turned to me, addressing her comments to both me and Brody. “You and the father-elect can provide your specimens today. Then we can finalize your list of preferences. A fertilized embryo can be prepared and implanted as early as this evening. I’m sorry it can’t be done more quickly, but our geneticists need time to program your requested DNA sequences. However, rest assured this facility will provide you with the best of service and care.”

“Felicia, what the hell’s going on?” Lotus screeched at me. “Are you steamrolling my appointment? What the fuck did the Russian do? Is he fucking with my appointment for my baby?”

I think my jaw may have dropped to the floor. “No, of course not! This is a misunderstanding. It’s your appointment, not mine.”

“It doesn’t need to be done today, if you’re not certain. You can go home and think about it. I can summon another clinic representative for you to discuss your options,” the tech offered.

I looked at the tech, stupefied. Vieira hadn’t lied. Not only was I on the list to have my fertility inhibitor removed, I was at the top of it. All I needed to do was say the word and the inhibitor was gone. The enormity was so staggering, I couldn’t take it all in.

“Ms. Sevigny, would you like to have your fertility inhibitor removed today?” the tech asked pointedly.

I blinked. Took a breath. Tried to think of something to do with my arms other than hug myself. Did I want it gone? Was it really this easy? “Yes. Yes, I want it out right now.”

“Excellent. If you’ll wait out in the hall, someone will be with you shortly.”

“Right. Good. We’ll do that. We’ll wait in the hall,” I babbled, then pushed my way through the door.

In the hall, I felt even less rational. This was happening so fast and my gut was positively giddy. I slapped my hands over my mouth, willing myself to calm down and think, to really think for once in my damned life, and not leap in like a crazy person the way I normally did.

I uncovered my mouth and announced: “I’m going to have my fertility inhibitor removed.”

I said it as if it was big news and we hadn’t just spent the last few minutes discussing it. But it was big news and I needed to say it out loud to someone, if only to make it seem more real. Brody was there and smiling down at me. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and because I suddenly wanted him to touch me almost as much as I wanted my inhibitor gone, I let him.

“You’re sure?”

I thought about it, working it through in my mind, feeling excitement take hold. All these years of struggling, the countless disappointments as I went through one appeal after another to the Shared Hope program applying to have my reproduction approval permit granted, how I’d hated myself and thought I was a failure and no one could ever possibly want me because I wasn’t good enough…

I nodded. Then I nodded again, just in case. “Yes. I want to do this. I want it so badly, it hurts.”

“And the specimen harvest? Do you want to do that now too?”

Specimen harvest? I’d been so focused on getting my blacklisted status revoked, I hadn’t let myself dream that far ahead. It had been easier to deal with the devastation of constant rejection by only thinking about the process one tiny step at a time. Now I felt faint, overwhelmed by the possibilities.

“I could do that. I should do it. It would be easier, wouldn’t it? I’m here and they can do it all at once,” I said, the words coming out of me in a rush. “No, wait. I should probably think about this first. I should have a plan. Do you think I should have a plan?”

Brody laughed softly, amused as he watched me. “A plan sounds good.”

“I’ll get the inhibitor removed today, and do the specimen harvest later. For now, I can use the clinic’s fertility suppressing treatments until I work out the rest of the details. I have a year to decide before the inhibitor goes back in.” Then in my next breath, because gods knew I had to pause for air sometime, I asked, “You don’t think I’m making a mistake, do you?”

“No, I don’t. I think you should do this.”

I could feel myself practically vibrating with excitement. I grinned at Brody, squeezing his hands, bouncing on my feet. “Okay. I’m going to do this. It’s coming out.” Then I faltered a little. “I should tell Alexei.”

“Probably, but whatever he says, don’t let him stop you. If he really wants you to be happy, he knows better than to try.”

That deflated my excitement. “Why would you say something like that?”

He touched my cheek. “You’re forgetting—I’m the only person on this entire planet who knew you in Nairobi. Not Alexei. Not your family on Mars. Just me. You were so unhappy then. You tried not to show it, but sometimes it broke through the cracks in the façade you’d spackled over yourself. You didn’t want the world to see how much pain you were in or how much you were hurting, but it was there. I’d hoped you would tell me, but when you didn’t, I decided to find out for myself. I asked Charlie Zero, but he said it wasn’t his story to tell so I paid Dante a visit and found out about your blacklisted status.”

I gaped at him, shocked. “Why would you do that?”

“Because not knowing was killing me! I had to know what was breaking your heart, if only for my own sanity. You weren’t telling me anything so what else was I supposed to do? I was falling in love with you.”

I flushed and looked down at the ground, feeling like my heart would beat its way right out of my chest. I felt excited, hot, scared, and like I needed to put as much space between the two of us as possible. Instead, I stood there in front of him and let him touch my hair. “You never said anything,” I whispered.

“Even if I had, I don’t think you would have heard it. You never would have believed anyone could want you if you were blacklisted. I tried to make you feel otherwise, and when I thought you were coming around, I asked you to go to Mars. I didn’t care if you were blacklisted and I thought we could start a new life together.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I wanted you to confide in me. I wanted you to open up and give me everything, but you wouldn’t. Believe me, looking back now, I wish I’d done it all differently. I wish I’d forced you to see what you were doing and look at what we could have been. But I didn’t, and now here we are.”

I took a deep breath, fighting for calm even though everything in me felt entitled to being irrational. I blinked back tears and wondered if I was the stupidest woman in the entire tri-system. Gods, had I been that oblivious?

“I’m sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t know.”

He shrugged. “You read Tarot cards, not minds. It looks like we both had problems expressing how we felt about things back then.”

Another fertility clinic tech appeared around the corner, wearing an outfit identical to the tech we’d met earlier. She looked between us. “Felicia Sevigny? If you’ll follow me, I have a room prepped for you and the father-elect.”

“No father-elect today, and no specimens are getting collected,” I blurted out. “I just want my fertility inhibitor removed. That’s it.”

“It’s your decision. We can reschedule the rest for another time. Please, follow me.”

I thought we would be going to another room in the same hall. Instead, we passed through a set of doors around the corner, leaving the industrial gray walls behind us. Now the walls were a pleasant shade of blue with pictures everywhere, and the floor was a cream-colored tile instead of cement. We were eventually led to an examination room that was more like a hotel suite, with its own waiting room, toilet facilities, and plush, comfortable furniture. Even the guest chairs were a dream when I sat down in one. I exchanged a baffled look with Brody.

“Guess it doesn’t hurt to be the Under-Secretary’s granddaughter,” he said.

My citizenship chip in my c-tex bracelet was scanned to confirm my identity, then the tech ran a series of medical history checks, including when I’d had my last Renew treatment. That had been six months ago in late September, right after my birthday and shortly before I’d left for Mars. You couldn’t have Renew treatments while pregnant, so I’d either have to miss my next treatment or hold off on a baby until six months from now. I told the tech I’d figure it out later.

“Since the father-elect isn’t here and you’re waiting on embryo collection and fertilization, you’ll take your first dose of fertilization suppressant before you leave today and I’ll provide enough for the next three months. You need to take it every week until you’re implanted. Otherwise, you risk unplanned pregnancy and the potential for a One Gov–sanctioned disposal of an unapproved fetus.”

I looked at her, confused. “I’m sorry—what did you say?”

“The chances are slight, but suppose you have relations with a male whose fertility inhibitor has been removed and he’s impregnated another woman? The Shared Hope program only allows one child for every two people. Your fetus would be unapproved and require termination. Or should you decide to conceive naturally, there is always the risk of birth defects. This would also lead to termination.”

I held up a hand to stop her, feeling sick as she described all the ways to kill the child I didn’t even have yet. “Just give me the drugs.”

The tech beamed. “Perfect. Now I need to prep you for the removal procedure.” She looked to Brody. “Sir, kindly step into the waiting room, and Ms. Sevigny and I can get started.”

Brody rose from his chair, brushing a hand over mine. “I’ll see you when it’s over.”

I felt a moment of panic. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. I’ll be right next door if you need me.”

Funny how that made me feel better, like I was a child needing reassurance it wouldn’t be left behind.

The removal wasn’t particularly difficult. I lay on the examination table and the tech inserted an IV into my arm. Then a machine pumped a solution into my bloodstream, killing off the nanos that regulated my hormone levels, prevented an egg from implanting in my uterus, or attacked and eliminated a fertilized egg should the first two measures fail. In a male’s body, the nanos essentially sterilized the sperm, rendering it incapable of fertilizing an egg. Once the nanos were gone, there was nothing preventing pregnancy except me taking the weekly fertility suppressant.

The whole process would take no more than an hour. One hour, and everything would be different. I lay on the table, hearing my heartbeat through the cardio-monitor and feeling a tingling in my arm as the solution dripped into my bloodstream. I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth, trying to calm the fluttering sensation in my stomach. Nerves. It was only nerves. I was scared and excited, and taking a step so monumental, it made moving to Mars seem like a trip to the market to pick up dinner.

Was I doing the right thing? I didn’t know, but I was in too far to stop now. I should have told Alexei. Even if this was happening so fast I could barely process it, I should have shimmed him. I felt a pang—as much as I wanted Brody there, I knew it should have been Alexei out in the waiting room. He was the one I should have been talking to about specimen collection and DNA sequences. I wondered how our baby would look. Definitely blue eyes, like his. And dark hair obviously, and…I didn’t even know if he wanted a boy or a girl. A boy maybe, so they could bond? They could play catch together and…Had Alexei played catch as a child? I wasn’t sure. Well, we’d figure it out later.

He might not be pleased at first, but he’d understand. I knew I could convince him. Everyone else in my family was having a baby, so why couldn’t I? After all, I was the one who’d fought to have the blacklisted status revoked. Why shouldn’t it be my turn? Maybe it wasn’t an ideal time to have a baby, given what might be happening with Belikov, but Alexei would take care of it. I had a damned luck gene, after all. How could things not work out?

Either I fell asleep or there was some drug cocktail in my IV to put me under because the next thing I knew, the tech was telling me everything was done and helped me sit up. Then she handed me the fertility suppressing treatment—a tiny disk-shaped pill I placed under my tongue until it melted. She gave me a packet of tablets that made up a three months’ supply, then led me from the exam room.

Brody was still waiting for me. “All done?” he asked, standing up.

“Looks that way.” I felt my c-tex bracelet vibrate on my wrist. I checked the shim, surprised, but also feeling a little sick. “Word gets around fast. It’s Vieira, congratulating me. He wants to see me again.”

“When?”

“He says he’ll leave it up to me.” I bit my lip, anxious. “Is he going to try to control my life now?”

“No,” Brody said forcefully. “He has no control over you. Maybe he moved you up the list to get your inhibitor removed, but you don’t owe him anything for that, okay?”

I nodded, but the sick feeling didn’t go away. “Okay. Let’s get out of here.”

He nodded and put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me with him. We found Lotus and Buckley waiting for us at the clinic’s main entrance. Lotus was practically glowing when she saw me. Buckley looked dazed, as if he wasn’t entirely sure what he was in for.

“Did you do it?” Lotus burst out when she saw us.

“My inhibitor’s gone if that’s what you mean,” I said as she rushed up to hug me.

“We can be pregnant together!”

“I’m not really sure when that’s going to happen for me,” I cautioned. “I need to tell Alexei and—”

But she wasn’t listening, prattling on and pulling us after her through the security checkpoints and outside into the sunshine. Complaining she couldn’t have sex for a week because she didn’t want to risk a fate-baby and maybe she should have taken the fertility suppressant. Then again, maybe a week without sex wasn’t so bad. The look on Buckley’s face said otherwise, but no one could interrupt Lotus during her speech about the wonders of motherhood. Brody rolled his eyes and grinned at me. And me…

The sick feeling I thought was nerves continued growing until I thought I might puke on the sidewalk. I felt hot and clammy, my body perspiring. Dizziness washed over me and I clutched at Brody’s arm.

“I don’t feel well,” I whispered, swallowing.

Brody caught me when my knees buckled. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

He swore. “Your body must be reacting to the fertility suppressant.”

“But it’s the same nano stuff she had in her before. Why would it make her sick?” That, from Buckley.

Logically it made sense, but my body wasn’t interested in logic as I started to dry heave. Brody dragged me over to a bench. He’d barely stepped aside before I threw up over a small group of shrubs.

“And there goes breakfast,” I mumbled, puking again.

I’m not sure what happened next. I heard Lotus say something about going back to the clinic. Then my stomach churned and I vomited again. Chills followed and I hugged myself, my teeth chattering as dizziness returned. I heard arguing. Voices I recognized, some I didn’t. Then I felt myself picked up even though my stomach protested it didn’t want to be moved. I saw something that looked like a flight-limo, then I lay on a bench seat. Hands rubbed my back and I moaned restlessly because the hands made me uncomfortable and nauseated again. I coughed and dry heaved, but there was nothing left in me. All I could do was close my eyes and pray to any deities listening to make it all stop.

I felt myself lifted and put somewhere cool and dark. No one touched me, or spoke to me, and it was sheer, perfect bliss. For about two seconds. Then I felt hands on me again and a series of sharp, painful pinpricks in my stomach. I couldn’t stop them—not the hands or the jabs. I tried to scream, but my throat felt stripped raw.

Then finally they went away. In fact, everything went away and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. And then, even that was gone.