She felt like her heart was broken so badly it could never be repaired. Ray didn’t want to talk about what was wrong with him, instead filling the awkward silences with whimsical, philosophical inanities, interspersed with soliloquies about how much he loved this area, how happy he was to be here. Annie was more circumspect, the euphoria she had briefly felt grounded almost before it had taken flight. In a moment she had thought Ray might be the man of her dreams, only to learn in the next that the man of her dreams would perhaps soon be nothing more than that: a dream, or a memory.
Ray, for his part, refused to give in to the misery Annie felt. His smile was constant, his words always positive and filled with a simple joy. Life was good, he reminded her. Enjoy every second, every moment.
On returning to Undercastle, Ray insisted on a pancake and a large hot chocolate to ‘replenish the fuel tanks.’ Diane, wearing a knowing smile, kept trying to catch Annie’s eye, while all the while Annie felt emptier and emptier inside.
The ice sculpture competition briefly cheered her up. Annie’s fears about having to place Mr. Fairbrother proved unfounded as the caretaker’s effort—allegedly a potato, but Annie couldn’t really differentiate it from any other vaguely oval-shaped object—was some way down the placings. Won by a sixteen-year-old from Edinburgh with a pretty decent attempt at a reindeer—despite one antler unfortunately breaking off—Annie headed back to Stone Spire Hall with a sense of fulfillment.
When she arrived, however, a feeling of despondency clouded over her again. Ray had returned early, saying he needed to pack his bags, as he planned to leave early in the morning. Annie felt like her world had bloomed and then died all in the space of a few hours.
Mr. Fairbrother was alone in the entrance hall when she arrived, reading his newspaper in front of the fire. There was no sign of Isabella or Mrs. Growell.
‘I just saw your friend,’ he said, chuckling. ‘We had a mock sword fight in the armoury. Don’t tell Marge or she’ll use one of those rusty old things to gut me and put me on tomorrow’s dinner platter. He’s an odd one, isn’t he? You know, he asked me if we’d ever abseiled down from the roof. When I told him not that I could remember, he asked me why not?’
Annie smiled. ‘Why don’t we try it tomorrow?’ she said. ‘After Ray … Ray’s … gone.’
She coughed the last word then immediately started to cry. Mr. Fairbrother folded his newspaper and stood up, his arms outstretched.
‘Don’t cry,’ he said.
Annie glared at him. ‘Instead of standing there waiting to catch a ball, I could really do with a hug right about now,’ she said.’
Mr. Fairbrother inched forward. ‘Oh, well, I suppose, but you’re the boss.’
‘And I’m also upset!’ Annie wailed, a little more dramatically than she had planned, but it had the desired effect. Mr. Fairbrother stepped forward and pulled her into a warm, fatherly hug.
‘There there,’ he said, ‘No need to cry, love. Huh, reminds me of one of my little ones with a skinned knee or after a fall off the bike.’
‘Little ones? You have kids?’
Mr. Fairbrother nodded. ‘Yeah, three. Kim, Mike and Beth. Kim and Mike live in London. Beth, my youngest, is off at university in Edinburgh.’ Annie felt rather than saw him grin. ‘Fourth year of a dentistry course. Such a clever thing. Takes after her mother, brainy old mare. She ran off with a chemistry teacher when they were kids. Brought them up myself.’
Annie pulled away. ‘I had no idea you had a family or children.’
‘Brought them up in my cottage over there by the lake,’ Mr. Fairbrother said. ‘They used to knock about in the woods with Isabella. I think there’s a lot you don’t know, Mistress.’ He grinned. ‘But that’s life, isn’t it? One big long river.’ He chuckled. ‘The longer the better. Although I might have to lay off the fudge a bit to keep mine going.’
Annie smiled. ‘You’re doing okay,’ she said.
‘And what about you?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, why don’t you go up and have a chat with young Ray up there. He said he’s got to leave, but who knows, maybe he’ll come back.’ Then, with another chuckle, he added, ‘Just don’t get up to any shenanigans up there, or she’ll know. You might not think she does, but she does. She knows everything.’
‘All right,’ Annie said. ‘Thanks for the tip. Have you seen Margaret today?’
Mr. Fairbrother sighed and shook his head. ‘Nae. Still hiding in her room. Something’s up with her. Dinner might have to be beans on toast.’
‘I’ll go and talk to her.’
Mr. Fairbrother shook his head. ‘She’s not going anywhere. Go and see to your young man first. She’ll still be there when he’s gone, trust me.’
‘Thank you, Les.’
‘All part of the job, Mistress Annie,’ he said. ‘My job description is caretaker, after all, isn’t it?’ He lowered his voice as he added, ‘And between you and me, I prefer you over old Lord Wilf anyway. A right scrooge with the Christmas bonus, he was.’
Annie smiled and patted Mr. Fairbrother on the shoulder. ‘Thanks, Les,’ she said. ‘Thanks for everything.’
Outside Ray’s room, Annie steeled herself before knocking. She had no idea what she would say when he opened the door, but he didn’t give her long to think about it, the door swinging open to reveal his smiling face.
‘Annie?’
‘Hi, Ray. Can I come in?’
‘It’s your house, so technically you don’t need to ask, but since you did, of course.’
He stepped back as Annie came into the room. All Ray’s belongings sat in a neat pile on a desk by the window. The bed was neatly made, and everything was tidy. He could have blinked out of existence and left no trace of his parting. At the thought of it, Annie choked down a sob.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ she said.
Ray cocked his head. ‘I have to,’ he said. ‘I have to see my specialist in a couple of days, so I have to get going. I just needed to come here … before….’
‘I mean, I don’t want you to … die.’
‘We all have to die eventually.’
‘Yes, but most of us end up crusty and old like my grandfather so that when we die we’ll have no regrets.’
‘Ah, you will have. You’ll always have regrets. What you’re looking for is a net gain. If you can die with more happy memories than sad, you can consider it a life well lived.’
Annie lifted her hands and pressed her fists against his chest. ‘Can you please stop talking like a philosophy textbook? I’m being emotional here. What I’m saying is that even though I’ve only known you a few days, and the first time I met you, you were sleeping rough on a bench in the train station, and the second time you had soaking wet shoes, because you hadn’t even bothered to wrap plastic bags over them—’
‘I would have slipped over—’
‘And you make me climb trees and sit in pools of freezing water, and you want to abseil off the roof—’
‘It was a general enquiry, I’d have to check it for safety—’
‘And just shut up before I cry even more.’
Ray smiled. ‘I’ve left quite the impression on you, haven’t I?’
Annie looked up into his eyes. For a long time she couldn’t say anything. Then, at last, she said, ‘All this stuff … this house, the village, everything … it felt like a dream. Like it wasn’t real. It was only when I met you … that I felt alive. You, Ray, you made me feel alive. Even while you were preparing to … die.’
Ray looked at her, his smile gone. ‘I don’t want to die,’ he said quietly. ‘But if I do, I don’t want to die with any regrets.’
He leaned forwards and kissed her.
As his lips touched hers, a bolt of electricity coursed through her, and in that moment Annie felt certain that the magic her grandfather had spent his life searching for really existed. As the kiss ended and Ray pulled away, she looked up into his eyes.
‘I have to go,’ he said. ‘But if I can … I’ll come back.’