CHAPTER 4

EARLY LEARNING – SEVEN LESSONS I LEARNED AS A CHILD

1. It’s tough being different

As a child I loved my life, travelling to dance competitions with Kenneth, giving them my all, and winning as often as we could.

But my commitment to dancing made me different from most other children – and as every schoolchild knows, being different makes you unpopular. I was so unpopular that it soon became a place to dread. I’d started off at a lovely little school where I had friends I’d known since kindergarten. They understood that I was the girl who danced, and they didn’t hold it against me. But when I was eight, we moved to another part of town and I moved school, too – and being not just the new girl, but the girl who danced, made me different from everyone else. My schoolmates viewed me with suspicion, teasing me and picking on me at every opportunity.

If I’d had the right words, maybe I could have explained to the others what I did every day in my dance classes, and maybe that would have helped them warm to me. But, when you are a child, you don’t know these things. So, the more they teased and the more they left me out, the more withdrawn and defensive I became.

But I knew that when I somehow got through the school day, then my other life, the one I really cared about, at the dance school would begin. I didn’t have time for after-school play dates and birthday parties, and not having the type of social life that most children take for granted was just the first of many sacrifices I would have to make in order to succeed as a dancer. As I grew a bit older, I missed out on parties and girlie sleepovers. And, when I hit my mid-teens, I would sacrifice the thing that preoccupied most of my female contemporaries, dating boys, because I literally had no time for any boy who wasn’t (a) on the dance circuit and (b) my partner.

2. The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Having danced with Torben from the age of two, then Kenneth from when I was nine, I was used to male company from an early age. Alongside ice skating, dance is unique in sport in that girls and boys work so closely together, and maintain one partnership for years. Torben and (especially) Kenneth were like brothers to me, we were so close; and at school I found I also felt more comfortable chatting to the boys – they were far less complicated than the girls. I always found the bitchiness and gossiping that seemed to go hand in hand with girl friendships hard to be around. I had no time for people who liked you one day and hated you the next – it made me feel uncomfortable.

Little did I realize, though, that my hanging out with the boys would make the girls even more nasty than they often had been. It came to a head one horrible evening that remains one of my worst childhood memories. I was 12 years old and, for once, had finished dance practice early enough to go to what we called a classmates’ party – one where the entire class was invited, and nobody was missed off the list. I was so excited! Even if the girls weren’t my best buddies, there’d be plenty of boys I liked and could chat to.

But, when I arrived, no one spoke to me. Even boys I thought of as friends turned their backs on me. I felt as if I was invisible. It was unbearably hurtful. I simply couldn’t understand what I’d done to be snubbed like that.

Then one friend, bless him for being so kind, came up to me and said, ‘Camilla, some of the girls got together and asked us all not to speak to you.’

I’ll never forget the jolt of shock that hit me like a bolt of lightning, and the tears that pricked my eyes before I turned and ran from the party as fast as I could.

With hindsight, now that I have worked with many clients who have suffered serious traumatic experiences, I know that this was nothing really major. But trauma is relative and to me, at the time, it was devastating. Big or small, trauma can have a major effect on us and leave an emotional scar that will need healing later in life.

Unfortunately the teasing and being made to feel like an outsider didn’t only happen at school. It was happening at my dance school, too, somewhere that was usually my safe haven. Some of the girls there had decided that I didn’t fit in there because they thought I sucked up to the teacher. Being eager to learn, I’d ask questions and sometimes stayed to practise after class. There was an older girl I looked up to because I thought she was a really amazing dancer. The other girls took against her, too, and decided to call her ‘Sticky’ and me ‘Mini Sticky’ because the way they saw it, we always stuck to the teacher and they didn’t mind letting us know that this was what they were saying about us! I was so hurt when I found out that was how they felt about me. I wasn’t sucking up to anybody. All I ever wanted to do was learn, improve on what I’d learned, and fit in.

I just remember this time of my childhood as being hideous – I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.

3. Adults get it wrong too!

As if to rub salt into my wounds, one day my dance teacher, who I adored, made a joke about my legs in front of the whole class. ‘When Camilla dies,’ she said, ‘the stork will have the skinniest legs in the world again!’

Everyone was giggling, looking at me and repeating the joke. My face was burning, my heart was racing, and my eyes were filling up with tears. My immediate impulse was to turn and run out of the room as fast as I could, but then something told me that she hadn’t really meant it nastily. I think, in a funny sort of way, she was actually trying to pay me a compliment – but it was such a backhanded one that it left me feeling wounded for years. Not just that, it made me wary of other people as you never know quite when someone’s going to lash out at you with a cruel remark. I certainly hadn’t been prepared for that one and felt crushed by it.

Working with clients, I’ve come to realize that we all have to learn to love our bodies. Those with curves often wish they didn’t have them, while those without any curves would give the world to have them!

Whatever we are teased or bullied about hurts – but we don’t have to let it get us down. In the end I reached the point where I decided I wasn’t going to let them make me change who I am. It wasn’t easy, but reaching that conclusion was a way of reaching self-acceptance, too.

We should always think before we speak

That wasn’t the only thing I learned from my experiences of being teased when I was a child, I came to know that we should always think before we speak: what we may think of as a harmless, throwaway remark could hurt the person it’s aimed at for years. So now if I’m ever tempted to make one, I think, ‘How would I feel if someone said that to me?’

And I also learned that we always have our critics. In order to pursue a career that put me in the public eye, I would have to get used to that. Friends in the dance world and that teacher would not be the last people to call me names for being skinny – and I wouldn’t be the only one to be hurt by it. Years after my teacher had joked about my legs, when I was engaged to Kevin, I went on I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!, the TV show where various celebrities are stranded in the jungle with few creature comforts. I was struggling to cope with how hungry I was and became so dangerously ill that I had to quit the show within days. People online and even journalists in newspapers, somehow felt entitled to call me malnourished, and to imply that because I was skinny I must have an eating disorder. By that time in my life I was able to cope with the comments, but my husband-to-be, Kevin, was devastated by them.

4. Anger is toxic

Being teased as a child left me feeling angry and upset for a long time. I couldn’t help asking myself over and over again what I had done to deserve this? I now know how toxic anger can be. Anger eats away at you, it changes who you are and how you act. It made me cautious and mistrustful of other people, and I went into survival mode, becoming quite cold and telling myself that the other girls were just jealous because I had a talent that made me special, and better than them. I know now that thinking in that egotistical way was doing me no favours at all. Nobody is any better than the next person, but sometimes we have to work hard to remember that.

In years to come, knowing the damage it can do, I learned to let go of anger. I also learned that we always have a choice. We can either attack someone who makes us angry, or, following the example of Gandhi and more recently Nelson Mandela, we can show the people who are trying to anger us that we love them.

5. Do unto others as you would be done by

There are two characters in Charles Kingsley’s The Water Babies – the kindly Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby and the miserable Mrs Bedonebyasyoudid. Guess which one my lovely parents encouraged me to be like. ‘Always treat others as you would like to be treated yourself,’ they would say. So, after my nightmarish experience at that school party, I decided I would always go out of my way to make sure I never excluded anyone from a group I was part of. If I could sense that someone was struggling to join in, I would help them. I may have learnt that the harsh way, but, guess what, I now thank my classmates for teaching me that lesson.

As a life coach I have learned that we can always turn a negative situation into a positive one. You just have to look at it from a different angle, and think, ‘OK, that wasn’t very nice – but what can I take away from it that will help me in the future?’ There is nearly always something positive to be found.

As a child, I never felt as if I really fitted in the way the others did – and I am now hypersensitive to other people who feel that way.

6. Bereavement puts everything in perspective

I was 13 when I suffered my first bereavement – the loss of our dog, Besy. She was a beautiful German Shepherd who’d slept next to my pram from the day I was born and had protected us when someone tried to burgle my Far’s showroom next door to our house.

She was my best friend. Whenever I felt sad, it was Besy I’d reach for. Losing myself in a soft, doggy cuddle, and feeling her unconditional love pouring over me always made me feel much better.

I adored that dog and couldn’t begin to imagine life without her, so when she suddenly became ill and my Far took her to the vet’s and came home alone I was utterly devastated. One moment I was numb with disbelief, the next I was crying hysterically. I sobbed and shook all the way to Norway, where Kenneth and I were to dance in a competition. It was the first time I’d felt such deep sadness, and it was a pain I wasn’t keen to experience again. But I also learned that as horrible as grief is, we can eventually move on. Going through it for the first time at 13 was tough, worse than tough, but it helped me cope when the same kind of loss struck me out of the blue years later when my relationship with Brendan came to a very abrupt end.

We all grieve in our own ways

We all grieve in our own ways – sometimes grief doesn’t hit until long after a loss because the immediate shock was so great, or perhaps because it is put to one side until we are psychologically ready to cope with it.

Ultimately, though, even grief can be a helpful emotion because it helps other situations to be put in perspective. When Besy died, the pain I had felt at being shunned by my classmates, being given a cruel nickname at dance school and then being called skinny by my teacher was nothing, absolutely nothing, in comparison to the pain I felt at losing Besy, and would feel again when I lost Brendan.

I remembered what I had told my friend about the birds of sorrow flying over your head, but you don’t have to let them make nests in your hair. In other words, I had a choice. I could dwell on the sadness and gain nothing from it; or I could celebrate the love I’d had for Besy and be grateful for the time she and I had shared – and that was what really helped me find my way back to happiness.

7. Love is all you need

When things weren’t going well in my life, I had Besy and my family to turn to. I felt loved, and I knew I was lucky to have that – not everyone does.

Sometimes we are teased or bullied by friends or family who don’t necessarily share our positive outlook. When all we really want is for the people close to us to be jumping up and down with excitement, offering us words of support, they say negative things to us like, ‘Do you think that’s a wise idea?’ or, ‘Do you really think this is possible for you?’ or even, ‘I don’t think you have what it takes to do this.’

What we must remember is that comments like those are actually due to the limited beliefs of the people who make them. We can protect ourselves from them – the negative comments not the people – with this simple exercise that I have used throughout my career.

When you’ve been hanging out with someone whose negativity seriously drains you and leaves you feeling not just exhausted but also in a bad mood, try to imagine the next time you have to meet up with Mr or Ms Negativity, that there’s a bubble around you and their attitude will simply bounce off it. The bubble can have more than one layer and can be of different colours. Maybe a red one will send the negativity packing, a blue one will attract any negative feelings you may have and see them on their way, and a green one will let positive energy through to you. The colours don’t matter. I’m sure you get the idea. You can also imagine a bubble around the other person that keeps their negativity in. I call this my protective bubble exercise. It works for me. I know it will work for you.

Choosing your words carefully will help you create your protective bubble. If someone else uses attack words such as, ‘I don’t think that’s your sort of thing,’ or, ‘You’re never going to achieve it,’ the last thing to do is to retaliate. Instead, stay calm and say something positive. ‘I’m really excited about it!’ or maybe, ‘Taking on this challenge seems right to me,’ or even better, ‘I would really love your support but quite understand if you can’t give it to me right now.’ Remember they don’t know what you are capable of, only you do; and starting a tit-for-tat slanging match will resolve nothing. As long as you know within yourself that it doesn’t matter to you whether or not they believe you can go where you’re going: you know you can. And will.

I am sharing exercises like this because I wish I’d had them up my sleeve when I was at school – but I didn’t. I did however use them later on in my competitive career, and still do today in my new life.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR INNER CHILD …

As an adult, have you ever been in a situation where you think, ‘OMG, this is just like being 6 or 8 or 15 again’? I learnt to deal with times when I felt excluded and other unpleasant moments when I realized that nobody else can make you feel a specific way. You and only you are responsible for how you feel. When I was younger, if someone hadn’t invited me to a party or lunch or whatever I would have been upset. Now, I feel good enough in myself that I don’t actually care about such trivial things because I’m totally OK with me. That’s not to say that I don’t like being invited by friends to go somewhere and have a good time with them, but it’s great to find the kind of inner peace that means my happiness doesn’t depend on whether or not I get that invitation. Yours doesn’t either.

I’ve studied the principles of NLP (Neurolinguistic programming) and other therapies, and thanks to them have come to believe that events from our early lives can determine how we react in cer tain situations in our adult lives if the issues these events have thrown up have not been dealt with. Say, for example, that you were bullied at school or found yourself in any other situation that made you feel unloved, lonely or even abandoned. This would have made you feel very isolated and perhaps, deep down, that you were not a good enough child. Wind the clock forward. You’re a grown-up and you find yourself in a situation maybe at work, maybe at home, where people seem to be putting you down. Instead of standing up for yourself as an adult should, you are brought right back to that time at school and you revert to the same childish behaviour – with tantrums, outrage and probably words you later have to apologize for. Perhaps you recognize this behaviour in yourself – later asking yourself, ‘Why? Why didn’t I just ask, “Do we have a problem here?” ’ or, “Is there an issue we need to resolve or talk about?”’ Why, you wonder, didn’t you deal with the situation in a grown-up way?

Let me tell you why. You didn’t react in an adult way because you haven’t dealt with and let go of that old childhood behaviour. It could have been created at school or at home by your relationships with your sisters, brothers or parents. It could be that someone you loved dearly had no time for you, or someone whose attention you craved ignored you, maybe you were hurt and angered by being bullied. Perhaps someone you loved died, or moved away. Any of these things can result in our feeling that deep down we don’t feel good about ourselves.

TRY THIS …

Wherever, whenever and whatever it was that created that sense of inadequacy, learn to accept that it was then and not now. ‘Now’ is different, and you have a new opportunity to deal with things in a new way. If you now notice the challenge that has been sent your way, you can use it as an opportunity to create a new pattern right away. Remember, this time around, you are good enough. Remember that you love yourself! If you don’t fully love yourself yet, it’s probably about time you did! Remember, if you truly feel good enough inside to the point you can look yourself in the mirror and say, ‘Hey you, I love you. You are fabulous!’ then no one can ever make you feel any differently because you know that you are good enough and that’s all that matters! I have been hugely inspired by Louise Hay and all her wonderful books. She often talks about mirror work: actually speaking to ourselves in the mirror and saying nice things. It may sound slightly out there to some of you, but if you are not going to say nice things to yourselves why should anybody else? I see it as a great place to star t! The first time you do it, of course you feel more than a little selfconscious. That feeling soon goes. Promise.

HERE’S SOMETHING ELSE TO TRY

Take a piece of paper and write, ‘Why I’m good enough’ at the top of the page. Then write down ten reasons why you are good enough and why you should love yourself now. For example, ‘I’m a great friend, mother, lover or daughter,’ or even, ‘I am smiley, I spread happiness wherever I go’ … ‘I’m funny!’ … You get the idea.

And next time you look at yourself in the mirror say, ‘Hey Lovely (or Handsome), you are totally good enough. In fact, you are not just good enough, you are awesome.’ You may not believe it the first couple of times, but after a while you will. It’s also a great thing to say to your closest friends. Not that you are awesome, but that they are. I often tell my friends that they look fantastic and that I think they totally rock. Love spreads love, so star t by loving yourself.

NOW TRY THIS …

Think about the situations in your life, at home or at work, which you have reacted to in an undesired manner and write them down. Then try to see if you can identify a pattern, and now you are aware of it, try to work out when it was created. Note the past tense – ‘created’. It’s in the past. You can let go of it now. You no longer need to react the way you have been. Consider a new way to behave when you are in a similar situation from now on.