CHAPTER 18

YIN AND YANG

When you go to buy your groceries, you take a shopping list with you to make sure you buy what you need. But have you ever thought of sitting down and committing to paper exactly what you’re looking for in your ideal partner? Actually ‘shopping’ for what you really want from a relationship, instead of just leaving it up to chance?

After breaking up with Fabio, I decided not to drift into future relationships, but to be proactive about what I wanted in a man.

One of my friends said she’d actually designed her own partner, much as you might design a new kitchen. You may think it sounds a hilarious thing to do – after all, the heart has a mind of its own, and we all say that you can’t control who you fall in love with, don’t we?

But my friend was so positive about her experience that I decided to try it. I now felt fully healed after Brendan. The Eurovision Dance Contest, doing Strictly with Gethin, and my work with the life coach had all helped with that. I’d also spent some time being single, learning to be happy with my own company for virtually the first time in my life, and I felt that I could go into a relationship as an independent woman.

I sat down and wrote my list of top attributes in a man – honesty, kindness, supportiveness, being loving, and then I put it in a drawer and got on with my life.

Somehow this worked like a prayer. It was as if I had placed my order with the universe, and now, without me consciously looking around, the universe provided me with what I had asked for.

DESIGN YOUR IDEAL PARTNER

Don’t just dream, act! Write your list down and take it seriously. You may have written some of the following:

• Physically attractive

• Independent

• Loving

• Love of travel

• Loves being with the family and me

• Mutual respect

• Likes to talk and to listen, too

• Financially independent

• Fun

• Makes me laugh

• Honest

• Calm

• Kind

• Easy to talk to

• Wants to spend time together

• Lives in the same city

• Confident

• Mentally and physically available (i.e. not married or in a relationship with someone else!) I had a friend who met her perfect partner … and then found that he wasn’t actually available. When she looked back at her wish list she’d forgotten to specify availability.

Make sure that you, too, are available, not just physically, but emotionally. Even if you are single, this project will be jeopardized if you have not fully recovered from a previous relationship.

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: your list must be what you want, and not what someone else wants for you, or what you think you should want but don’t really.

It may also help to make a list of qualities that you can bring to the relationship. I thought I should be able to offer the same things that I was looking for in someone else: honesty, kindness, compassion and respect. I wanted someone who was my emotional equal.

Dog days

Here’s what happened. Here’s how I finally found the love I craved and the man I deserved. It’s another story about fate, and it all starts with my love of dogs!

In 2007, after I’d done Strictly with Gethin, I was on a cruise with Fabio and Ian. Ian and I were dancing, Fabio came along to spend some well-earned time off and to be with me for a few, more or less uninterrupted days. When we were at sea, a TV production company sent me an email: would I be interested in taking part in a new reality show? The idea was that a group of celebs would be paired with a dog each, put them through agility exercises and even – guess what – do some doggy dancing with them! The aim was to raise awareness of the Dogs Trust charity, which would supply the doggy dancers and hopefully encourage people to come forward and adopt dogs who needed a new home.

My first thought was that this had to be the best job in the world! I’d never forgotten my lovely dog, Besy. She’d left a gaping doggy-shaped space in my heart, and for years I’d yearned for a furry little character to fill that gap. But I knew I couldn’t have a dog with my frantic schedule. I worked and travelled nonstop, and it just wouldn’t have been fair. Maybe one day, though.

So when this email came through – asking if I’d train a dog for the summer, I was so, so excited! I couldn’t think of anything more amazing than spending all that time with a dog, outside in the fresh air, training and performing.

Unfortunately, I got my hopes up too soon. A few days later a second email came through. The producers had chosen someone else. I was gutted! But, you know what I say about everything happening for a purpose? Well, little did I know it, but once again the universe had a bigger plan in store for me. Have you ever experienced that? Or maybe after reading this you may realize, some time in the future, that something that didn’t happen when you wanted it to had given way for something much better to come later on.

This is how I think now, and I’ve come to realize it’s much more helpful than dwelling on what went wrong. As my wise Mor had told me years ago, ‘What’s for you won’t pass you by.’ So once again I put my faith in the universe and carried on without giving the dog programme another thought. And then, a year later, the producers contacted me again. I was absolutely thrilled! I was to be one of ten celebs, including the actors Brian Blessed and Lesley Joseph – what an honour! And then another call came through. ‘By the way,’ someone from the production team said, ‘your ex, Brendan Cole, will be on the panel of judges.’

‘Uh-oh!’ I thought. ‘That could be interesting!’ We’re both fiery people and when fiery people come up against one another … fireworks! But I agreed. ‘No problem,’ I said. ‘I’m fine with that!’ After all, we’d worked together for the last five seasons of Strictly, so I knew we could be professional about this. And anyway, I was so excited about the job, I really didn’t want Brendan to be the spanner in the works that held me back.

On our first filming day we all turned up at the Dogs Trust’s centre to be paired with a professional dog trainer – this time I was the one learning instead of teaching, and I loved being on the other side for a change.

My trainer was called Darren and I met him on that first day. I was also asked to pick a dog I felt I had a connection with. There were about five to choose between and I plumped for a gorgeous blond dog called Chico – half Collie, half German Shepherd – probably because the German Shepherd in him reminded me of my Besy.

Being with a dog every day for three months was wonderful. If you’re a dog lover you won’t need me to tell you how affectionate they are and how special their love can be.

I adored Chico and would have loved to have adopted him at the end of the show – just saying goodbye to him every night when he returned to the dog home was tough – but he was far too big for my apartment, and it would have been unfair to leave him there when I had to work.

But even if I didn’t get to take Chico home, he made sure I wouldn’t be alone for much longer! As we were leaving our first training session, Chico nuzzled up to one of the other dogs in the show, a dog that looked like an enormous wire-haired Jack Russell. The dog, Sven, turned out to be a Jack Russell crossed with a mix of Staffordshire and English Bull Terrier and had been picked by the actor Kevin Sacre.

As I looked at them both I thought, ‘Cute!’ (Sven)! ‘Handsome!’ (Kevin) ‘Cocky!’ (Both of them!).

What was to happen taught me a lesson. I judged Kevin on his handsome looks and cocky nature and immediately decided that, together with the fact that he was an actor, he must be a bit of a player, and an arrogant one at that. You know what – I was SO wrong – and it was a reminder that you should never judge a book by its cover. When I look back, I feel ashamed at myself for having done that: it was seriously shallow of me. Since then, I’ve made a determined effort never to gossip, and never to judge. Instead I now try to treat others as I would like them to treat me. It would be a much kinder world if we could all do that – because, the more I read, the more I’m aware that actually we are all one. There’s a lovely Scottish expression: ‘We’re a’ Jock Tamson’s bairns.’ It means that no matter who we are, we’re all the same. When we judge others, we are judging ourselves too. And when we see faults in others, we are often seeing the issues that we need to resolve in ourselves.

Anyway, after turning up for training every day for four weeks, as Sven and Chico sniffed around each other in the way dogs do, Kevin and I would always have a casual chat. And I started to realize he was not quite as bad as I’d first thought. He was great with Sven, and as one of my friends remarked when she saw him, ‘You learn a lot about someone when you see how they act with an animal.’

The dogs were the stars of the show. Every time the audience applauded, Chico freaked out and tried to run away, something that gave rise to the sort of banter between Brendan and I that the producers were hoping to get. I remember the day I was standing there, frantically waving a treat at Chico to bring him back when Brendan said, ‘Camilla, your boy seems out of control!’

‘You’d think I’d be used to that by now,’ I retorted.

But – back to Kevin. He had an amazing way with Sven. When he got him to jump up into his arms, the audience’s ‘Oohs!’ and ‘Aaahs!’ told the rest of us that we didn’t have a chance. But apart from that, I was starting to enjoy our little chats. He talked about films and festivals and lots of other fun things for which I’d never had time.

At this point, though, I thought nothing more of it. Despite doing my ‘Design a Partner’ exercise, I wasn’t really thinking about having a relationship at that point, or at least I didn’t think I was. I was now so focused on the dog show, and although I’d been thinking about a future partner when I was writing down what I wanted in him, I’d thought that it would be nice if I met someone after the next – the sixth – season of Strictly, not before it. Though I hadn’t actually included that in the list.

So Kevin and I would just chat as friends do. But our lovely fellow contestant Lesley Joseph saw something else in our little tête-à-têtes. She’d known us both separately from other jobs – I’d met her on Strictly, and Kevin had been in the soap Night and Day with her – and she kept hinting that Kevin should invite me out. ‘You look so lovely together!’ she insisted.

Then, when she saw us walking into the studio together one day, she called out, ‘Here comes the lovely couple!’

As I turned to look at Kevin to share the joke, someone asked for our photo. Kevin reached out to put a friendly arm around me, and, as he did that, I got that bolt of lightning that people talk about and suddenly realized that there was something about that guy!

A day or two later he called and asked me out for a drink. ‘Oh! That would be nice,’ I thought, then said, ‘I’d love to.’ I did wonder how he’d got my number – it turned out he’d badgered Caren, one of our production coordinators, for it.

It was a lovely date. We went to a place by the river near me and talked and laughed as if we’d known each other for ages. When we stood up to say goodbye we shared a kiss and I could tell that we both felt there was a deep connection. A couple of hours after I got home, Kevin called and said, ‘I know this may sound ridiculous – but I’m hoping you feel the same – as far as I’m concerned I’m considering myself off the market.’

‘It doesn’t sound ridiculous,’ I replied. ‘I feel exactly the same.’

In the stars?

Now here’s the weird thing! Six months before meeting Kevin, we’d both been invited to the same party after a big TV charity event he and I had been involved with. Brendan, who was also involved in the gig, asked me to go with him as a mutual friend had passed away and I think maybe he wanted to be with someone who understood if he was a bit down. But come the end of the day’s filming, we’d been working really hard and I was feeling extremely tired. I wanted to be fresh for the following long day’s dancing, so I didn’t join Brendan for a drink after all. So he went on his own and guess who he spent the night chatting to … Kevin! He had another girlfriend then and I wasn’t at the point where I was ready to meet that special someone. But I couldn’t help wondering what would have happened if I had gone to that party and Brendan had introduced me to Kevin. And when I did, I think I knew that my old friend the universe had decided to delay things a little.

Six months later, so much had changed for both of us. Kevin was available, and I was ready for love. After that lovely date by the river, we started going out together. I was still a bit cautious, worried that Kevin wouldn’t be able to cope with my hectic schedules, so I wanted to keep it all quiet for a bit. But Lesley soon guessed what was really going on!

Being an actor with a busy schedule – he spent eight years working in soaps like Night and Day and Hollyoaks – Kevin understood what Fabio never quite could. ‘Please don’t worry,’ he said. ‘Just focus on what you have to do and know that I’ll be behind you all the way.’

From that moment I knew he was for keeps as well as being a real teammate. Sometimes it’s Kevin who’s busy and needs my support; other times it’s me who needs Kevin’s patience and understanding. I feel like we take it in turns climbing a ladder while the other one holds it steady at the base. In a relationship like this there’s room for both of us to grow and achieve. And that’s pretty much how we make it work.

Strictly over

So my love life was finally on course, but now my professional life needed a bit of TLC. After five years of choreographing, coaching, and performing on TV for half the year, and touring the other half, I was starting to feel as if all my creativity had been sapped. So although my heart was happy, my soul started to suffer. I felt that something had to change, and it was a feeling that took me by surprise when it came. I thought I loved what I was doing, and now I had to admit that maybe I was falling out of love with the only career I’d ever been able to imagine myself doing.

Gut feelings like this are a warning sign, but not everyone pays heed to gut feelings, or is sufficiently in tune with their emotions to recognize them. As a life coach, I now see many business people who’ve failed to see the warning signs until, wham, bam, they’re fully burned out.

Not long before reaching this point, I’d interviewed a couple of retired athletes on a radio show and I’d asked how it feels when you suddenly stop doing the one thing you have lived your life to do? How do you carry on when life as you know it is turned on its head? They said it was like being lost in a forest with no compass. You have to follow all sorts of paths until you find the right one, but you do eventually find it. I knew that even if I was about to enter the forest, I would find the path through it. And I had to believe that the grass really would be greener when I got to the other side.

By this point I had spent 30 years perfecting my dancing, but almost overnight the desire to carry on was gone. I was part of one of the biggest and most successful shows on TV, but suddenly I had no drive or passion to even choreograph one more routine. The most important thing at that moment was to find my inner calm. I’d been on such a journey, learnt so much about myself over the previous five years, that it didn’t feel right going back and being faced with my past every time I went to work. I wanted to find out where my passion now lay; what I needed to do to become driven again.

I had to step off the treadmill, take stock of my values and beliefs, and find a new challenge to inspire me. I could probably have stayed in my job, thought about the money, kept my head down and carried on for another five years. But, you see, when you are a passionate person with a competitive background, you have to give what you do 100 per cent or not do it at all.

Being totally honest with myself, I knew it was time to move on, time to find a way to live and work where I felt happy in my soul. I realized that this could mean making some sacrifices and change my lifestyle. But by now I’d been earning a good salary, more than enough to buy the Mulberry bags I’d once sold and the Beauchamp Place dresses I’d once gazed at through store windows, so I was ready to take that risk. Sometimes we have to choose happiness over financial success – and, to me, finding happiness is what success should really be all about. Giving up my, by now, highly successful Strictly career had to be worth it if the result was happiness.

So, as I went into season six of Strictly, I knew that to stay true to myself this would have to be my last one. And with that in mind, I was determined to give it my best.

I knew nothing about my celeb partner and had just been told to turn up at his home in Clapham where the film crew would be waiting to catch our first meeting. But, standing outside his kitchen door, I spotted a pile of scripts and realized he was going to be an actor. And, when I walked in, it was Tom Chambers from Holby City.

When I got home that night I said to Kevin, ‘I think I’ve met the guy I could win with!’