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“I’ll go first,” Susan said after they were all gathered at the firepit that evening. “This has been great. Thank you,” she said to Kelly. “I wasn’t sure I’d get anything. I mean, I thought not being accepted here was because of who I was. I didn’t realize I wasn’t really making an effort. You all have shown me that.
“Kelly asked us to write down one action we’d take toward becoming unstuck. We can share or not.” Susan stood. “I’m going to share. I’ve decided to become a volunteer firefighter. I got some training when I was overseas. And they’re always looking for people. With fires getting worse all the time, it’s something I can do to help the community.” She held up the index card Kelly had given her, then placed it in the fire.
They watched it burn, and when it was finished, Susan sat down.
Ruth got up.
“Mine’s kind of easy, too. There’s a group of women in town—knitters and crocheters—who’ve been trying to get me to join with them once a week to make blankets and hats and stuff for charity. I’ve been telling them I’m too busy. Hah! Too busy watching shows I’ve seen a hundred times before. So next Thursday, I’m joining them.” She, too, tossed her paper in the flames.
They were quiet as they watched it burn.
No one else said anything for several minutes. They stared at the fire. Kelly didn’t push. Would they expect her to say something?
Alex cleared her throat. “I’ll go next.” Quietly, she stood. “I’ve decided to remove my husband’s clothes from my house,” she said in a voice hoarse with emotion. “What’s still good, I’ll donate. What’s not, I’ll toss. I’m not ready to move beyond that right now.” She threw her card in the fire.
Three women had taken significant steps forward and said their commitments out loud. And that was after only two full days of the retreat. What could be possible after more?
She and Julia stared at each other as if they were playing a game of blink. She could bluff it, pretend to have something and simply fold the card and toss it in the fire. Sharing wasn’t obligatory. She even had a copy in her pocket ready for that purpose.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Alex said to Julia. “Just fold it and put it into the fire. What it said or didn’t say is part of your journey and no one else’s business.”
“But I do want to say something,” Julia said looking around at the other women. “That’s a big step for me and part of what I need to do for myself. I need to speak up. I’ve been afraid to speak up for so long.” She choked a little. “My husband ... ex ... well, let’s just say he wasn’t very nice.”
The energy of the circle darkened. Whatever John had or hadn’t done had been nothing compared to what this woman had experienced. And yet, there Julia stood, ready to face her demons.
An owl hooted in the distance as the night slowly darkened and a sliver of moon brightened over the lake.
“I’m going to contact the artist about doing the track,” she said. “And I’m going to start writing a new song.” Her voice grew stronger with each word. She crumpled the card and defiantly threw it into the fire.
Everyone’s gaze turned to Kelly.
“Well, that was wonderful,” she said.
“What about you?” Alex asked. “I seem to remember your grandmother always had something to say.”
“It would be good for you,” Julia said. “You seem a bit ... well ... tight.”
Tight was an excellent word for how she felt. Every ounce of will she had was intent on keeping herself together.
“I’m going to make my decision by the end of next week,” she said. In spite of Alex’s challenge, it was the thing she had to do to determine the next part of her life. “That’s a week earlier than I had planned. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it will determine the next part of my life.” She stood and folded the blank card in half before she tossed it into the fire. There was no need to bring John into this conversation.
“You have all been wonderful,” she said. “I’d like to read you the poem my grandmother always read at the close of the ceremony.” With more confidence than she’d had describing her future actions, she read,
“The winds of change blow soft and hard,
Sometimes they may stall.
But if your sail is open to receive the smallest puff.
You will survive the squall.”
# # #
ONCE ALL THE GUESTS except Alex had left, Maggie arrived carrying a bag of sandwich wraps and soda. “For our work session,” she announced. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help. Teagan was in crisis mode. All I can figure out is Gregg is up to something and she doesn’t approve. But she doesn’t want to get him in trouble. She l-o-o-ves him. Ugh. Was I ever that young?”
“In spades,” Alex said. “You were in love every other week.”
“Oh. You’re right.”
A stab of jealousy hit Kelly. She’d lost time with these friends. They could reunite now, but they’d never share the teenage years or young motherhood. But then, she’d never had to experience what Alex had, and she’d had a husband, no matter how flawed, to share the burden of parenting.
“How did it go?” Maggie asked as she handed them each a wrap and can of soda.
“Well, I think,” Kelly said.
“It was intense. Well, for some of us it was.” Alex glared at Kelly.
“Uh-oh. What happened?”
“She didn’t go all in.”
“I’m not required to go all in,” Kelly shot back. “I’m running it. And I participated. I said something last night. Doesn’t that count?” Alex was beginning to really annoy her. She felt sorry for her old friend, but Alex could be judgmental. It had rubbed her the wrong way when they were kids, and now it bothered her even more.
“Those were the same words you’ve been using all summer. ‘I have to make a decision.’ So make it already and move on with your life. Stop torturing the rest of us.”
“Stop it!” Maggie said. “Both of you. Wow, this weekend must have been stressful. How did Henrietta manage to do it all the time?”
“Because my grandmother wanted to do this. I only did it for you.” Kelly clapped her hand over her mouth as soon as the words were out.
“Wow,” Maggie said.
“No one asked you,” Alex said.
“Of course we did,” Maggie said. “Kelly’s right—we wanted her to do this retreat.”
“You wanted her to do this retreat,” Alex said.
“Okay. You’re right. I think it’s important for the town and for the people in it.” She gazed at Kelly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard.”
Kelly waved off her apology. “It’s okay. It was an interesting experience. I was glad to do it for you. It will be a proof of concept when I sell the center, encourage the buyer to really consider the retreat. Besides, I like making people I care about happy.”
“Thanks,” Maggie said, but her eyes still looked troubled. She sat down. “Let’s eat.”
Pulled by Maggie’s gaze, Kelly obediently sat, and Alex did the same.
Kelly undid the wrap and took a bite. “Ohh,” she said and lost herself in the tastes of summer.
They kept the talk neutral during their meal. Maggie let them know about three new fires in the general vicinity. “Someone thought they found the arsonist because they’ve seen an old tan pickup driving near every fire. But they found that guy, and he was an auxiliary firefighter looking to pick up some extra work.”
“Yes. We’ve got the same problem. And power lines are a big problem, too.”
“Up here it’s often lightning,” Alex said, “especially if it’s a dry thunderstorm where the moisture never meets the ground. But like California, most of them are somehow related to humans—a wind that picks up a spark from dragging metal, a controlled burn that got out of control, that kind of thing. With more people living so close to wilderness, there are more people who can accidently cause a burn. And because they suppressed fires for so long, there’s a lot more undergrowth and downed trees to burn.”
After they finished their meal, Maggie said, “Let’s start with logistics. Did everything go smoothly, or were their bumps?”
Alex and Kelly agreed on a few things that could be improved, but as they went through the exercise, Kelly wondered if she would ever do another. Alex’s words still stung, and she didn’t see herself becoming more forthcoming in future retreats. She wasn’t really an artist. How could she relate to problems they faced?
Part of her inexplicably yearned to stay in this land of danger and possibilities. There was something about the raw nature of it and the people who inhabited it that was more real than anything she’d ever dealt with in Southern California.
“Leaving Kelly’s participation out of it,” Maggie said firmly, “do you think the participants got something from the retreat, as short as it was?”
Kelly looked at Alex, waiting for her to answer.
“Yes,” Alex finally said. “They did. I did.” She looked at Maggie. “I’m going to get rid of Sean’s old clothes.”
“Really? Oh, that’s wonderful!” Maggie pulled her friend to her feet and gave her a long hug. “I’m so glad for you.” Over Alex’s shoulder she mouthed, “thank you” to Kelly.
At that moment, all the stress and the emotional drain of the retreat became worth it.
# # #
ONCE MAGGIE AND ALEX helped her clean up from the retreat, they left. Alex had stopped a moment before she got in the car.
“I know I was hard on you, and I really do believe you’re avoiding something major. But you’re good at this. Better than you know. Think about staying. Please. The community needs you.”
A lump formed in Kelly’s throat as she watched them drive away. Were they right? Was this her calling?
What about her music? The grand piano in the living room had begun to feel like a great weight she was dragging around with her. Then there was the phone still on the kitchen table, another bomb ready to go off.
Unwilling to stay indoors with her thoughts, she grabbed a book of her grandmother’s poems and a blank journal and headed to the firepit. There was no need for a fire, no ceremony, and the air was warm. She also took her water bottle.
For a while she simply sat there, letting the beauty of the water, the dense forest of lodgepole pines, and the dim mountains beyond wash over her. Montana was nature at her grandest. No subtlety. The stark contrast of mountains and sky, water, and parched prairie earth declared her power over anything as puny as a human being.
No wonder Kelly was so adrift here. It took strong people to view this world and still keep their feet under them.
She opened the journal and began to write.
