Saturday morning, Rebecca awoke to the aroma of coffee on her bedside table and sat bolt upright in bed. Panic set her heart racing.
‘What time is it?’ she called out to Hugh, who was already retreating from the bedroom and then immediately kicked herself for not first saying ‘thank you’.
‘Thanks,’ she added hastily as he turned slowly.
‘You’re welcome.’ He offered her a small smile. ‘It’s only eight-thirty. You’ve still got an hour before you have to … go out.’
Thank God. She let her head fall against the back of the bed as she reached out like a zombie for the mug and took a long, satisfying sip.
‘I didn’t want to wake you any earlier as I know how restless your night was.’
Restless slumber was her norm these days, but last night had been particularly bad. Rebecca had tried not to toss and turn, not wanting to disturb Hugh, however she’d obviously failed dismally in this task.
‘Sorry.’ It felt like a word she’d been saying an awful lot lately. Maybe she should get it stamped in permanent ink across her forehead. ‘I should have slept in the spare room.’
He shrugged. ‘It’s fine.’
But things between them felt anything but fine. And the fact he’d known she couldn’t sleep and hadn’t asked if she wanted to talk about it only reaffirmed this. They were like flatmates who only had enough money for one bed so shared under duress. The morning coffee he delivered her now felt more like a habit than the devotion it had once been. He asked her about her day but they made small talk rather than deep and meaningful conversation and she couldn’t help feeling on edge around him. They didn’t feel even anymore. Her actions had hurt him big-time. Although she hadn’t had an affair, Rebecca’s secret had caused the kind of rift she imagined infidelity might and she almost wished Hugh would do something crazy like go sleep with someone else to even the playing field.
But that wasn’t his style—he was noble, solid and dependable, which only made her feel worse.
‘What have you got planned today?’ she asked, perhaps a tad too brightly.
‘Not much. Thought I might take Molly for a walk and go buy the paper.’
‘Sounds good,’ she replied, almost wishing she could offer to go with him.
‘I’ll let you get ready,’ he said and started to go.
Her heart sank—this polite conversation was really getting her down—but just as he reached the bedroom door, he turned back. ‘Good luck with Josie today.’
‘Thank you,’ Rebecca said as he retreated. Her words came out barely more than a whisper and she had to squeeze her eyes together to stop from crying. His few words meant a lot but there was no time for tears right now.
Hugh whistled for Molly. Rebecca heard him chatting to the dog downstairs as he clicked on the leash. She downed a few more mouthfuls of coffee and then threw back the bedcovers. He might think an hour was more than enough time to get ready and go meet Josie, but she did not want to be late. Although she’d technically met her daughter before, that day seemed so long ago now and this was the first time they were going to be face to face alone. Her insides twisted with a mixture of terror and excitement.
She longed for things to go well and she hoped for them to develop some kind of relationship, but understood that this too might take time.
Baby steps—just the same as with Hugh and Paige.
With that thought, she stripped bare and showered in record time, before putting on the clothes she’d laid out last night. In the end, she’d gone with a pair of smart capris, a floaty top and her old faithful denim jacket. She slipped on her loafers and then looked at her reflection in the mirror. Did she look too casual? If Josie was feeling anything like Rebecca she probably wouldn’t even notice what she was wearing, but suddenly Rebecca decided sandals would work better with her outfit.
Her shoes were in a bit of a mess in the walk-in robe and it was only after she’d rummaged through the pile that she remembered she’d packed away her sandals and other summer shoes for the winter. They were stored along with the rest of her and Hugh’s summer clothes in Paige’s old bedroom.
She hurried into Paige’s room—considering she’d only stayed there for one night, it was a mess, but even if Rebecca wanted to get angry about it, she couldn’t, because her daughter was still giving her the silent treatment. She tried not to dwell on this; the important thing was that Paige had moved back in with Solomon, which meant she could tick Paige-and-Sol-problems off her list of things currently giving her an ulcer. As if she needed any more health issues than the whopping one she already had.
Rebecca thanked the gods when she found the sandals easily and was slipping them onto her feet when she noticed something amiss.
The wedding dress was gone!
Her heart stalled. For the past few weeks the dress had been hanging in Paige’s old wardrobe because she didn’t want to have it at home in case Solomon saw it in the flesh.
Knowing it was futile—a wedding dress was hard to miss—Rebecca quickly rifled through everything else in the walk-in robe in case she’d missed it. Which of course she hadn’t.
So where the hell is it?
Had someone stolen it? No, that was absurd. Who would break into their house and steal a thirty-year-old wedding dress? Rebecca placed a hand against her racing heart; Paige must have taken it when she left. But this thought didn’t placate her anxiety at all.
The wedding wasn’t for a few weeks, so why would she have done such a thing? Had she taken it back to Josie? Was the wedding off, after all?
Oh Lord. She’d never forgive herself if that were the case.
Or maybe Paige had simply decided that she didn’t want to wear it. Maybe she no longer wanted to wear her mother’s dress, because she no longer wanted anything to do with her mother.
Trying to ignore the sensation of acid burning in her stomach, Rebecca raced back into the bedroom and snatched her mobile phone off the bedside table. But Rebecca’s call went straight to voicemail. Paige never switched off her phone—not even when she went to the movies. It always had to be on silent, just in case. Heaven forbid she might miss a new Facebook notification.
Of course, she was still avoiding her!
Rebecca tried Sol next but his phone was also switched off—she got his usual message about probably being at work and him calling back as soon as he could. She didn’t leave a message but tried Hugh instead. Maybe he’d been home when Paige had taken the dress. Five seconds later she heard her husband’s phone ringing in the kitchen. She went out hoping to meet him back from his walk, only to discover he’d left his mobile on the table.
Damn him! Didn’t anybody understand the concept of a mobile phone?
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the time on the microwave—somehow the last forty-five minutes had gotten away from her. Bugger it, she didn’t have time to worry about this right now. Still feeling sick, she grabbed her keys and handbag and headed out to the car. Maybe Josie would know something about the dress.
Realising she was now running late, she drove as quickly as she could to the beach and then praised the Lord when she scored a street park not too far from the popular café. Finally, something was going right. Hoping this was a good omen for the few hours ahead, she walked briskly to her destination.
The mouth-watering aromas of freshly baked pastries and brewed coffee hit her even before she entered the building but the moment she stepped inside she forgot all about them. Josie was already there, sitting at a table in the corner flicking through one of the free magazines. Rebecca wondered if she was actually reading it—she knew in her current state of mind, she wouldn’t be able to take anything in. With a deep breath, she tucked her mobile phone into her handbag and walked towards her, feeling as if she were entering a lion’s den. This was her and Robbie’s daughter. And she was beautiful.
Do not cry, she told herself as she got closer.
As if sensing her approach, Josie shot to her feet as Rebecca arrived at the table.
‘Hi,’ they both said and then stared at each other awkwardly a few—long—moments. What was the etiquette in this situation? As much as Rebecca yearned to wrap her arms around her long-lost daughter and hold her close, she didn’t think they were at that stage yet, but a handshake felt far too formal for flesh and blood.
Josie was the first to break the silence. ‘Do you want to sit?’ she asked, gesturing to the chair on the other side of the wrought-iron table.
‘Yes. Thanks. Sorry I’m late,’ Rebecca lowered herself into the seat, cringing at the sound of herself apologising again. ‘I didn’t mean to be, but I got caught up unexpectedly.’
‘It’s fine, I only just got here anyway. Lucky I managed to nab this table.’
‘Yes, good score.’ They both laughed nervously and although Rebecca hadn’t been planning on asking Josie about the dress right away, she felt the need to explain.
‘I was late because I noticed the wedding dress was missing from my walk-in robe and I tried to call Paige to see if she’d taken it, but I couldn’t get through to her. I don’t suppose she’s mentioned it to you?’
Josie frowned and then shook her head. ‘I haven’t spoken to her since Thursday, although we did message each other yesterday morning and she didn’t mention anything about the dress.’
‘Hmm.’ An uneasy feeling settled in Rebecca’s stomach. ‘I hope she and Solomon are okay.’
‘I know they had a fight, but she told me yesterday that they were good again. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. Maybe she took it to get dry-cleaned or something?’
‘Yes, you’re probably right.’ Rebecca shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I just wanted this meeting to be perfect and I’m annoyed at myself for being late. Let’s start again. Can I get you a drink and something to eat?’
‘Just a Diet Coke, please.’
‘Coming right up.’ Rebecca picked up her bag and went to place their orders at the counter. Despite the Saturday morning queue, the staff were accustomed to busyness and she didn’t have to wait long.
When she returned to the table she decided to get straight to the point.
‘I’m so sorry you found out about our relationship the way you did. I imagine you have questions for me and I promise to do the very best I can to answer them properly, but before I do, can I just say one thing?’
Josie nodded.
‘I do not have any ulterior motives in requesting that information. I know you know I’m sick and need a kidney donor, but that is not why I decided to find out about you. I was careless with the letter, but I never wanted you or Paige to find out that way and I planned to wait until after I had the transplant to make contact with you. Obviously discovering you were already part of our lives complicated things and I’m so sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you.’
Josie’s expression was very hard to read—Rebecca didn’t know if her daughter believed her or not.
‘I’ll never try to replace the mother you already had, but I’d love for us to get to know each other better and to have some kind of relationship. However, if that’s not what you want, I promise I’m going to respect your wishes.’
‘Thank you,’ Josie said. Then, ‘I do have a few questions.’
Ignoring the butterflies in her stomach, Rebecca nodded. ‘Go ahead. I promise I’ll answer them all honestly and as best I can.’
‘How did you feel when you discovered you were pregnant?’
Josie’s question surprised Rebecca—this was not what she’d been expecting. She smiled wistfully as her mind flashed back to that day.
‘Terrified,’ she said honestly. ‘But then I told Robbie and he wasn’t angry, he didn’t run for the hills. He made me believe everything would be okay. We planned to get married—I thought that would please my parents too—Robbie said he’d get a job and we fantasised about a future with our baby. We fell in love with the idea of you fast and with him by my side, I felt like I could conquer anything. I wasn’t even that scared about telling Mum and Dad.’ She swallowed. ‘I’m not sure how much Clara or Paige have told you about what happened next?’
Josie shrugged one shoulder. ‘Clara told me that Rob was threatened by your father, that he never wanted to leave you or let me be adopted. That the guilt and the regret drove him to drink and that he always wanted to find me. She told me that he tried to look for me and even asked for your help at one stage but that you refused to look. That you didn’t want to.’
‘It’s not that I —’ Trying not to show her anger towards Clara, Rebecca started to explain but Josie interrupted.
‘Paige told me you kept me a secret her whole life, so I guess that’s why you didn’t want to help Rob. That’s why you turned him away?’
Rebecca felt sick; she could tell Josie wasn’t going to make this easy for her.
‘Robbie hurt me when he abandoned us,’ she begun. ‘Whatever his reason—and I now know that this wasn’t his choice—he broke my heart. He left me with no alternative but to do as my parents told me was best. I felt so alone back then, I blamed him for losing you but I also felt ashamed and guilty about it all. Because of this I listened to my parents when they told me I should leave the past where it was. I thought about you constantly and of course I dreamed of finding you, but I didn’t think it was my right. There were many times I almost told Hugh, but I guess shame held me back. Not shame that I’d had you, but shame that I’d given you up. And the longer I kept the secret, well, the harder it became to tell.’
‘So you loved him?’ Josie asked.
‘Robbie?’
‘Yes.’
A wave of nostalgia washed over Rebecca as she thought of her first love. ‘Oh yes, I loved him so much.’ She swallowed, determined not to cry as she’d promised herself she’d keep it together in front of Josie. ‘I know people write teenagers off as not knowing what true love is, but I’m a fifty-year-old woman now and I can tell you that I genuinely loved your father. They say you never truly get over your first love and that’s my truth. He was sexy, smart, he made me laugh, he treated me like a princess and he was a hell of a talented musician. Paige tells me you’re interested in music too?’
Josie nodded as she sipped her drink through the straw. Then, ‘Do you wish things had been different? Do you wish you and Robbie had ended up together?’
Rebecca couldn’t help her heavy sigh. That might just be the most difficult question anyone had ever asked her.
‘Yes and no,’ she said eventually. ‘I wish I hadn’t lost you; I wish my parents hadn’t tried to play God; I wish Robbie hadn’t lived with such torture and turmoil; I wish I’d been braver and looked for you earlier, but I can’t wish Paige or Hugh away. My life might not have been how I dreamed it would be at fifteen, but I’ve had a pretty good one and I hope you have too.’
‘I have—or at least my childhood and adolescence were good. Maybe if they hadn’t been, I’d have come looking for you myself, but my adoptive parents were the best. They weren’t musical at all themselves, but they supported my passion and dreams in that area and everything else. They gave me every opportunity I wanted. I couldn’t have asked for a better family.’
This brought a lump to Rebecca’s throat—it was good news, the best, but she couldn’t help the jealousy towards this other couple who had been blessed to bring up her and Robbie’s daughter. ‘I’m glad,’ she said simply.
‘Are things okay with you and Hugh now?’
‘I don’t know. We’re trying to make them that way again, but he’s hurt that I kept you from him. And rightly so.’
‘Did you really always think I was a boy?’
Rebecca blushed at how stupid Josie’s question made her sound. ‘Yes. I wasn’t allowed to hold you when you were born and I never thought to question what anyone told me. It was only when I saw that photo in your house …’ She paused to dig into her bag for the identical one, which she’d recently retrieved from the bank safe, and laid it down in front of Josie. ‘That I started to wonder. All my life I’ve scrutinised any males that were about your age, looking for something, anything that reminded me of myself or Robbie. Now I know why I never found anyone.’
‘But you’d decided to look before you saw the matching photo.’ Josie pushed the image back across the table, accusation in her tone. ‘If not because you needed a kidney, then why?’
‘Have you ever been diagnosed with a serious illness before?’ When Josie shook her head, Rebecca continued. ‘It’s pretty frightening. And it’s exactly as the books and movies say—it makes you look back on your life with a fine-toothed comb. I started thinking about what I’d achieved and what things I regretted. I could only think of one regret, but it was a pretty damn big one. You.’
Although she’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry, she couldn’t help the tear that escaped and she didn’t try and brush it away.
‘Suddenly I couldn’t think about anything else. I was supposed to be worrying about my health but all I could think about was my son, well, you know … I knew I had to come clean and I knew I had to find out if you were okay. That’s honestly all I need to know. If you don’t want anything else from me, I’ll accept that, but please, tell me, are you okay?’