Rebecca was glad she was sitting down when she opened Facebook Monday morning.
She’d been checking the ‘Find Robbie Jones’ page obsessively since Paige told her about it and her check-ins had become even more regular since her catch-up with Josie on the weekend. It wasn’t that the meeting was a disaster. In theory she’d got what she went for—the reassurance that Josie didn’t suffer in her childhood because of her adoption and had had a good life—but it hadn’t been like the reunions you see on TV or like the one Rebecca had secretly imagined. She and Josie hadn’t thrown their arms around each other, cried tears of joy that they’d finally found the other after all this time and then clicked as if they’d known each other forever.
The conversation hadn’t been stilted exactly but it was definitely not comfortable either. It was as if Josie had a list of questions she wanted to get through and once she was done, she hadn’t been able to get out of there fast enough. Rebecca had hoped Josie would open up about her miscarriages so that she could offer some kind of motherly support, but Josie had steered clear of anything too personal, except where Robbie was concerned. Despite her standoffish behaviour with Rebecca, Josie didn’t appear to have any hard feelings towards her biological father. She knew this was due to the fact Robbie had been vocal about always wanting to find her and although she couldn’t blame Josie, it still hurt.
Somehow Rebecca believed that if they did find Robbie, Josie would be more open to getting to know her a little better—especially if she herself somehow helped find him. As promised she’d spoken to her dad on Saturday afternoon and eventually he’d agreed to call someone he used to know who still worked in missing persons. No matter what she said, no matter how angry she got, he was a stubborn man—he refused to acknowledge that he and her mother were ever in the wrong and he refused to call his contact on a weekend. She’d decided to give him till noon today and then call him to see if he’d managed to make contact. This time she didn’t plan on letting them push her around and she wouldn’t stop pestering until he got her some answers.
She’d also researched private investigators and had a shortlist ready to call once she had the information from the police. Hugh likely wouldn’t be keen on spending their money on the search for her ex, but Rebecca contributed to the household income with her piano lessons and this was important.
So caught up in these thoughts as she scrolled through her timeline, she almost went right past a photo of Paige and Solomon standing in front of the ‘Welcome To Las Vegas’ sign wearing a wedding dress and dark-grey suit.
Oh my God! Her fingers froze on the mouse as her heart froze in her chest.
Blinking, she leaned so close to the screen she’d be in danger of giving herself eyestrain in an effort to check she wasn’t seeing things.
She wasn’t. Paige looked stunning in Rebecca’s own dress and the words attached to the post declared that she and Sol had tied the knot that afternoon (it was still Sunday in America). Her first thought was that if she hadn’t joined Facebook, she’d never have seen this post. Was this why Paige had suddenly accepted her friend request on Friday afternoon? Rebecca thought it had been a step towards reconciliation but maybe she did so simply so she could rub this in her face.
Tears plopped onto the keyboard as Rebecca realised she’d missed this monumental moment in her daughter’s life. How could she and Sol ever have thought this was a good idea? But even as she thought this, she knew the answer. Both her daughters were causing her pain right now and she had no one to blame but herself. Instinctively her hand reached for her mobile phone and before she knew it she was calling Hugh, praying he’d not be in the middle of a shoot and unable to talk.
Thank God he answered after only a couple of rings. ‘I was just about to call you.’
‘So you’ve seen Facebook?’ She could barely talk past the tears.
‘Yes.’ His one word oozed disbelief.
‘How could she do this to us?’
‘Now calm down Rebecca. I know this is a shock and you’re obviously upset—’
‘Aren’t you?’ she accused. ‘How could they do this? And worse, how could they let us find out about it on social media?’
He took a moment to reply and she realised he was far more likely to be angry at her than Paige over this.
‘Obviously I would have preferred to have been there to witness Paige’s and Sol’s big day, but this is about them, not you, not me, not us! The important thing is they’ve sorted their differences. And hey, this way, maybe we can spend all the money we would have spent on the wedding on an overseas holiday for us instead.’
Rebecca should have been overjoyed by this suggestion—she’d been wanting to go to Europe for years and more importantly, if Hugh wanted to go with her, it must mean he wanted to fix their problems—but it would probably take her a few days, maybe even weeks, to get over this disappointment.
‘Look,’ he said, ‘I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to go. We’re about to start shooting something with the new environment minister and don’t you have to get to a dialysis appointment?’ It was a rhetorical question and he continued, ‘Try to look at the positives here and I’ll be home as early as possible, we can commiserate together then.’
‘Okay,’ she managed.
‘I love you, Rebecca,’ he said and then disconnected.
Her heart and head were a whirlpool of emotions—he hadn’t said the L-word in days, but oh my, Paige! She was telling herself what was done was done (even if she didn’t like it), when the doorbell rang.
What now? She dumped her phone on the table and headed for the front door. Whoever it was she’d get rid of them quick smart because Hugh was right, she had to be at the hospital soon.
‘Clara?’ she said when she saw Robbie’s ex-wife standing on the doorstep—she was possibly the last person she’d expected to see.
‘Hello, Rebecca.’
Thoughts of Paige’s elopement were almost forgotten as Rebecca registered the dejected expression on the other woman’s face. ‘Oh my God,’ she blurted, ‘has something happened to Josie?’
But even before Clara replied, Rebecca understood that this wasn’t a visit regarding her daughter. ‘Robbie?’ she whispered, sudden terror filling her heart.
Clara nodded solemnly. ‘I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but we’ve just been informed by the police that Robert—or at least they’re pretty certain it’s him—has been found dead on a farm up north.’
Only part of this sentence registered for Rebecca. ‘What do you mean they’re pretty certain it’s him? Is there a possibility it’s not? Has someone identified the body?’ Weren’t there hundreds of middle-aged missing men? It could be any one of them.
‘He hung himself, Rebecca.’
Clara’s words were like a punch in the gut—Rebecca reached out to steady herself on the door.
‘At least a month ago now. The body will already be decomposing, so they’re going to use other methods to identify him, but his licence was with him, his bank cards, his description matched those on his missing persons profile.’
‘No,’ Rebecca whispered, unable to bear the image that had just formed in her head. Would she ever be rid of it?
‘I’m afraid so.’
Clara looked as if she were fighting tears but Rebecca couldn’t hold hers back—it was like losing Robbie all over again, only this time she knew the heart-shattering truth. He’d taken his own life and she’d played a role in that decision.
There were supposed to be seven stages of grief or something, but she felt all of them all at once. Along with the guilt came shock, disbelief and denial. How could this happen now when he’d been so close to getting what he wanted? Surely fate wasn’t that cruel. There was still a remote possibility the police had the wrong guy. The rage she felt for her parents intensified—Robbie may have only ended it a month ago, but they were the ones who started it over thirty-five years ago. She wondered if she would ever be able to speak to them again. And then there was a sadness so intense that she felt the pain of it all over her body. Her grip tightened on the door as she struggled to stay afoot.
‘Do you think you should sit down?’ Clara asked, both irritation and concern on her face.
‘Yes, good idea.’ Although, whether Rebecca could make it to the nearest chair she wasn’t sure. ‘Would you like to come in?’
‘No thanks,’ Clara said curtly, ‘but I suggest you have a strong sweet cup of tea to help the shock. I’ve got to go.’
As Clara turned to do exactly this, Rebecca asked, ‘Does Josie know?’
Clara turned back slowly. ‘Yes, we were at Brenda’s place about to film a segment on missing persons when the police turned up.’
‘Oh God.’ The thought of Josie being told there was no hope of ever finding her biological father intensified Rebecca’s own agony. There was probably no hope of salvaging any kind of relationship with her daughter now either—Josie would never forgive Rebecca for turning Robbie away all those years ago. And Rebecca couldn’t blame her; she would never forgive herself.
‘How’s she doing?’ she found herself asking even though she knew it was a stupid question.
‘She’s understandably upset, but trying to be strong for Brenda.’ Again Clara tried to leave, but this time, not only did Rebecca call out, she also reached out.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, sobbing as she grabbed hold of Clara’s arm and then pulled the other woman into a hug.
She hadn’t been able to help herself and fully expected Clara to shake her off, but instead Rebecca felt arms close around her, a head sink onto her shoulder and the two of them stood there holding each other for quite some time.
‘You were as much a victim as he was,’ Clara acknowledged as they eventually broke apart.
‘Thank you,’ Rebecca whispered, her eyes still an ocean, as Robbie’s ex-wife finally made her getaway. She doubted they’d ever be friends, but they were weirdly bonded through their shared love and grief for the same man and the fact neither of their lives had turned out exactly as they’d hoped.
As Rebecca went back into the house, she wondered what to do about Josie. Her instinct was to rush to her and take care of her as she would if Paige had suffered such a heart-blow, but she was under no illusions that Josie wanted that kind of relationship with her and she didn’t want to make things worse. She could send her a message, but sending such words of sympathy felt so cold, so impersonal.
Still, she couldn’t just say or do nothing. It felt as if she were damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.
And what about Paige? Should she and Sol be told about this? Perhaps Josie would message her or would she assume Rebecca would do the honours? As annoyed as she was about Paige and Sol getting married without her, they’d literally only tied the knot a few short hours ago—it didn’t seem right to interrupt their honeymoon with such news. She decided to ask Hugh about it when he got home and then her thoughts returned to Josie.
Rebecca desperately wanted her to know she was thinking of her, but what could she do without making everything even worse?
Finally, after a few long moments of contemplation, she had the answer.
She could make a few meals for Josie, Clara and Brenda. Probably the last thing any of them felt like doing was cooking. Decision made, she opened the fridge to check she had all the ingredients necessary for casseroles.
When Hugh returned to the house a few hours later, he found her dishing the last of them into throwaway foil containers. He frowned as he hung his keys on their special hook. ‘Shouldn’t you still be at dialysis?’
‘Oh shit!’ That had totally slipped her mind.
‘Did you skip your session because of Sol and Paige?’ He sounded annoyed. ‘I came home early to make dinner so you could put your feet up afterwards but,’ he nodded towards the rows of containers, ‘it looks like you’ve made enough for an army. I know you’re upset but you can’t just not go to the hospital.’
He thought she was cooking to distract herself?
‘Oh, Hugh.’ She let the serving spoon fall into the casserole dish. ‘Robbie’s dead.’
He stared at her a few moments—his expression dazed. Then he blinked. ‘What? Josie’s father, Robbie?’
‘Yes,’ she confirmed and then told him everything.
‘Fuck.’ Hugh rarely swore, saving his curse words for when they really mattered. She appreciated that now.
‘Yes. It’s all such a horrible mess.’
‘So, the cooking? Is that for …’
‘Josie and Brenda,’ she confirmed. ‘But I don’t know why I bothered to make it all; after Saturday and then today’s news, I’m the last person Josie probably wants to see right now.’
She’d thought her tears had dried up but her eyes prickled again and she swayed a little, both dizzy and tired.
‘You don’t look so good,’ Hugh said, his brow furrowing in concern. ‘You should go lie down.’
She wasn’t feeling so good. ‘But what about all this food? All this mess?’
‘I’ll deal with it,’ he said as he put his hands on her and guided her out of the kitchen. She didn’t know what he meant by that but was helpless except to lean against him as he ushered her down the hallway and up the stairs to their bedroom. He let go of her only long enough to pull back their doona and then he encouraged her into bed and covered her up like she were a sick child.
‘Get some rest.’ He leant forward and kissed her on the forehead.
Mentally and physically exhausted, Rebecca was asleep before he’d even shut the door. When she woke hours later, Hugh was sitting in bed beside her, reading his book by lamplight.
He put his book down and glanced at his watch. ‘Almost nine o’clock.’
‘At night?’ She felt so groggy she wondered if she’d slept until the morning.
‘Yes. How are you feeling?’
And suddenly all the events of the day came back to her. Robbie. Paige and Sol. Josie.
As if reading her mind, Hugh said, ‘I cleaned up the kitchen and took all the casseroles round to Josie’s place.’
‘You saw Josie?’ Her heart leapt into her throat. ‘How did you know where she lived?’
‘I called Paige and asked her for Josie’s address.’
‘Did you tell her?’
‘About Robbie?’ He nodded. ‘And I didn’t see Josie—she was staying the night with Robbie’s mother—but I met Nik, her husband, and he said to say thank you for all the food. I told him to give Josie our love and that either of them could call us any time if they needed anything.’
Oh my goodness. Her heart brimmed with love for this man.
He spoke again before she could say anything. ‘You must be hungry. I know it’s late, but can I cook you something or would you just prefer some toast and a cuppa?’
Right now she didn’t need anything but him.
‘Hugh,’ she said, taking his hand as she looked right into his eyes. ‘I know Robbie’s dead, but even if he wasn’t, you would never have to compete with him. I was only fifteen when we were together and yes, things were intense between us. I loved him in the way a teenage girl loves her high school sweetheart, but to be honest, that’s not very different from how they crush on celebrities. It was an innocent love, but now I know I didn’t even know what love was then.’
Rebecca swallowed; she owed Hugh the absolute truth if they were going to recover from this.
‘When we met I was still aching from losing my baby and also Robbie. My life felt hopeless. I was broken. And then we got chatting and we became such good friends. I didn’t recognise that I was in love with you because my feelings for you went so much deeper than the all-consuming childish passion I had for Robbie. I’ll admit I didn’t think I was in love with you when we got married but I did love you. And over the last thirty years together I’ve fallen head over heels. You’ve taught me what real love is. My relationship with Robbie would probably have fizzled out as we grew up, but I know my love for you will never do any such thing.’
A lump had formed in her throat but somehow she managed to say one more thing. ‘I do love you, Hugh, more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I’d be lost without you.’
From now on her mission in life would be to prove this fact.
‘Oh, Rebecca.’ Hugh pulled her into his arms. ‘I love you, too.’