How to be an asshole, in three easy steps.
One, lay all your pain on the most beautiful girl you know.
Two, take her to bed even though you know you shouldn’t. Have mind-blowing sex. Don’t say any of the things you ought to.
Three, sneak out in the dark when the guilt overwhelms you.
Yeah, easy.
Except for step four: feel like shit. Especially when you wake up with a hard-on heavy-duty enough to power a small city, and you have to do something about it, even though she’s all you can see, and you wish she’d get the hell out of your guilt-ridden imagination.
Now Liam stood on the hot sand, his eyes narrowed against the sunshine. The beach was scattered with people enjoying their summer Sunday. Clusters of teenagers, the girls eyeing the boys, the boys eyeing the girls’ curves. Dog walkers following their salt-sodden pets, carrying soggy tennis balls. A leathery-skinned old guy who probably swam every day, summer and winter. Kids digging moats that drained as fast as they tipped in buckets of water, while their parents looked on.
All the happy normality made him want to puke.
He dropped his towel and ran four long strides into the breaking waves, then dived under. In the dense, watery silence, he swam as far as he could, and came up way offshore, heaving in a breath. Looking back, the beachy scene made him think of the dioramas they used to make at school—a palm tree here, some scattered sand there, then add a shell or two, and some cut-out people. Right now though, he was the cut-out person.
He turned in the water and started to swim parallel to the coast, heading for the rocky inlets and outcrops where Mount Clarion rose out of the ocean. The water was calm, but every now and then a surge of turbulence struck him as a boat passed by farther out. He kept going, slicing mechanically through the water until he reached the spot he was aiming for. At low tide, a tiny, sandy bay was revealed, but now there was nothing but sharp black rocks, studded with limpets and mussels and draped with slippery lengths of seaweed. He let the water carry him in, then grabbed the rocks and hauled himself up, ignoring the stabs to the soles of his feet and the sharp shell edges threatening to cut his hands.
Balancing on the craggy outcrop, he looked at the rocky scene for the first time since that fucked-up night. The breaking sea. Tiny rock pools hiding miniscule sea creatures. Overhanging pohutukawa trees. The green mountain above. Everything just the same as when they were kids.
But nothing had ever been the same, since the summer Jacinda came to Sweet Breeze Bay.
If it wasn’t for her, Ethan would still be alive.
Maybe that didn’t make it her fault, exactly…but it was still the truth.
The other truth was harder to admit. He dragged a hand through his wet hair, swiped the salty droplets from his face.
If it wasn’t for him, Ethan might still be alive.
If he’d come here to look for him sooner.
If he hadn’t let jealousy get in the way.
If, if, if.
He couldn’t make himself go up to the graveyard on the hill. He couldn’t go to the Kelp and King. He couldn’t touch Ethan’s guitar, sitting on its stand in the corner. Hell, he could hardly look at it. But somehow, after everything that went down with Dane and Connor and Jacinda yesterday, this bay had called too strongly.
His gaze swept the rocks around him. The thousand shards of Ethan’s vodka bottle would be transformed by the ocean by now, worn smooth by years of moon-driven tides, and the caress of the sand. There was nothing here to show what had happened that night.
Nothing except his screwed-up self.
He took one step back, then dived into the water and swam—away from the bay, but no farther from the past.
On top of Mount Clarion, Jacinda stopped and let her backpack drop to the grassy ground. Carefully though—the wine bottles in it would be their reward for making the climb. The breeze tangled her hair and eased the headache she’d had all day, and she breathed deeply, savoring the clean air.
Riley was standing with her hands on her hips, puffing a little. “This view is so worth it.”
Jacinda took in the sparkly ocean, the tree-studded suburb of Lancet Bay, and the jumble of city buildings across the harbor. She’d thought about this view so many times over the years, but it was even more beautiful than her imagination had given it credit for. “It’s amazing.”
“The best place is round the other side,” Kerry said, hoisting a cooler bag higher on her hip. “Not so windy.”
Tina finally caught up with them. “When did I get so unfit?” She pushed her hair away from her scarlet face. “Bloody hell.”
They’d knocked on Jacinda’s door just before noon, insisting that she come for a picnic lunch. She hadn’t been up long—after catching up on sleep, she’d been having coffee and planning which strip she’d tear off Liam first. But then she’d changed her mind. Screw him. Danielle and Sam would arrive tomorrow, and then she’d hand over kitten duty and hit the road. Might as well try to enjoy her last day.
“Come on,” Riley told Tina now. “Almost there.”
She groaned, but trudged after them. They walked farther around the curve of the hill until they reached Kerry’s favorite spot, overlooking Sweet Breeze Bay. Jacinda scanned the little settlement, laid out like a picture-book town, and found Tui Street with Nana Mac’s place and the Wards’ house next door. Then she looked down to the foot of the mountain, where the trees ended and the houses began. She could see the rooftops of the oldest remaining dwelling in the bay, an imposing two-story homestead with a big, barnlike utility building to one side, all set on a huge lot. “I always wondered what that old place looks like inside.”
“It’s been empty for years, just sitting there,” Riley said. “The family are all in London now. It really needs restoring, but I don’t think they’re interested in taking it on.”
“That’s a shame. It’s gorgeous.”
Tina pulled a blanket from her bag. “Come on, let’s get set up. I’m starving.”
They spread the blanket on the grass under a tree, and started unloading the picnic food that Riley had brought from Clarion Call.
“It all looks so good,” Tina said, stealing an olive as Riley set the container down.
“I invited Jess,” Kerry said, handing Jacinda a wine glass. “But she felt bad about what she said the other night.”
Jacinda shrugged. “That’s okay.” She opened one of the bottles and concentrated on pouring herself a glass.
“Well…it wasn’t really.” Tina shook her head. “Kerry told us what she said. I’m not a Sweet Breeze native like you guys, but everyone knows about Ethan. Jess was so out of line.”
After last night with Liam—and this morning without him—this was the absolute last thing Jacinda felt like talking about. She passed Tina a mini cheese board, hoping to distract her. “What are you working on now? More necklaces?”
But Tina wouldn’t be redirected. “Earrings,” she replied, layering a wedge of cheese between two crackers before she continued. “That’s not what everyone thinks. What Jess said, I mean. There must be something more to it. Why does no one know what happened? Shouldn’t there have been a police report or something?”
“Jesus, Tina, you’re as bad as Jess,” Kerry said.
Jacinda pushed her sunglasses farther up her nose and looked out to sea, the dull pounding in her head starting up again. She took a long sip of wine. And another. Better not to say the things she was thinking.
Tina glanced at her, chastened. “Sorry. I was just wondering.”
Riley spoke up. “Let’s not talk about it, okay?”
“Okay.” Tina put the crackers and cheese in her mouth and chewed morosely.
Jacinda searched around for a new topic. “The kittens are growing.”
It was the perfect choice. Riley immediately went gooey.
“Ooh, I want to come and see them.”
Kerry nodded. “Me too. Have they opened their eyes yet?”
“Not yet. But it must be soon. I read that they start opening them from about a week old, and they were born on Tuesday. Or maybe Monday night.”
“What color are they?” Tina asked.
“Two of them are all black, and one’s tabby, and one’s kind of a mix-up,” Jacinda said. “I guess Velvet’s baby daddy was a tabby.”
The others laughed, and Jacinda thanked God for the successful change of subject. The conversation went off in other directions, and she put away a couple more glasses of wine. Lucky home was downhill.
Mid afternoon, they started packing up. Jacinda wandered toward the edge of the hill as she folded the blanket, drinking in the view of the sea and beach below.
Riley came over. “Hey…is that Liam?”
The other two joined them, peering down. At the base of the mountain, cut off from the main beach, a man in swim trunks was standing on the rocks. Even from up here they could see the breadth of his shoulders, the cut of his muscular back, and the tattoos running across his golden skin.
“It is,” Kerry said.
Tina shaded her eyes and squinted down. “That’s Ethan’s brother? Wow.”
They watched as he ran a hand through his hair, then linked his hands behind his neck and dropped his head, making his muscles flex. At that, Tina said what they were all thinking. “He’s hot.”
Jacinda couldn’t tear her eyes away. Only a few hours before, that body had been in her bed, under her hands, between her legs. Watching him now, she couldn’t bring herself to regret that part of it—their aching, desperate collision, unexpected but maybe inevitable from the moment they looked at each other over the gate.
Then he dived into the sea, a perfect arc that hardly left a splash, and started to swim. Was that the bay he and Ethan had played in as kids? The place that took Ethan back, the same night she took herself away? She turned and went back to the tree, and grabbed up her backpack, aware of Riley watching her as the others gathered up their things too.
“Whew,” Tina said as they started to head down the hill. “If that’s his brother, I’m starting to see why Ethan was so legendary.” Kerry frowned at her, but she shrugged as she adjusted her sun hat. “Just saying.”
She and Kerry set off, but Riley hung back a little, leaving a gap between them, and Jacinda matched her pace.
“What happened with you two?” Riley asked.
“What?” She stumbled on a loose rock. “Nothing.”
“I saw your face. Something happened.”
“What are you, psychic?”
“Just wise beyond my years.” She laughed, but Jacinda wasn’t off the hook. “I always thought he liked you. Tell me I was right.”
“Fine.” She snatched a leaf from a tree as they went past. “You were right.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Yeah. He told me.”
There must have been something in her tone, a hint of something unsaid, because Riley stopped and grabbed her arm. “Wait. He told you, and?”
“And nothing.”
“And you slept together. I knew it.”
She felt her cheeks go hot. “No you didn’t.” She walked on, and Riley followed, looking satisfied.
“But you did.”
Jacinda pinched pieces off the leaf as they went down the track, leaving a trail of green fragments. “Okay, we did. But we shouldn’t have. So don’t tell anyone, okay?”
“I won’t, I promise.” She clapped her hands together silently, in repressed glee, loving the secret. “I told you I always wondered if he liked you, back then. And I was right. So what are you going to do now? Is this, like, a thing?”
“Oh, it’s not a thing. No way.” She scrunched up the leafy skeleton and threw it on the ground. “It was definitely a one-off.”
Riley looked disappointed. “Damn.”
“No, not damn. It’s wrong. Ethan died because of me. How sick is it that his brother and I are screwing around, while he’s—” She kicked a stick out of the way, and walked faster on the grassy track.
“Stop it,” Riley said. “It wasn’t because of you. We don’t even know how he died, so how can you say that?” Then she paused. “Wait, is that what Liam told you? That it was because of you?”
“Not exactly.”
“Not exactly in a good way, or a bad way? Because you guys might have a chance at something here. Think about it. It’s not a coincidence that you both decided to come back at the exact same time, after all these years.”
“Well, sometimes coincidences suck.” She stopped and turned to look at Riley. “If I hadn’t come that summer, Ethan would still be alive. There’s no way I can have anything with his brother, not this summer, or ever. And he doesn’t want it either.”
“He wanted it enough to sleep with you.”
God, she was so determined to put a positive spin on it. “Riley, we both know that doesn’t mean anything. It’s just sex. And maybe punishment.” At Riley’s shocked expression, she shrugged, even though she hated saying those words herself. “Whatever it is, it’s not right. My cousin Danielle is coming tomorrow, with her son Sam. Once they’re settled in, I’m going to go.”
“But you just got here!”
“All the easier to leave then.”
She pouted. “Well, I don’t want you to go.”
“Oh…thanks. It has been fun hanging out again.” That was true. “You’ll have to come to LA.”
As she said it, she realized that would mean revealing her ‘real’ life. But that would be okay—she’d just wanted this one undercover summer, to catch her breath, reassess. And it would be fun to show Riley around.
Riley gasped at the suggestion. “Ooh yes! That would be so cool.”
They started down the hill again, with Riley talking about all the Californian things she’d like to do. Jacinda nodded and smiled, but her mind was elsewhere. For one moment last night, she’d actually thought about staying. Imagined that the glimpse of wholeness she’d felt in his arms could last. Blame it on the oxytocin, or the pheromones, or the Jack Daniel’s, or the phases of the moon. Because from here on, she wasn’t trusting her emotions. Not when it came to him.