TEN

Canada Day

July 1, 2012

9:39 a.m.

Canada’s birthday arrived hot and humid, no clouds, and plenty of festivities. Being the capital of the country, Ottawa always put on a great fireworks event downtown, and several of the surrounding communities also catered to their constituents, especially to the young kids. Over the last few years, Bridgehaven had been putting on a full day of activities with rides, games, and music, and Nadia had loved going. Last year she’d brought a couple of friends in addition to Caitlin, who had joined them with Nancy and Nicholas.

Lori-Anne and Mathieu would be skipping those activities this year. Since Father’s Day, they’d grown further apart. Lori-Anne did her thing and Mathieu did his, the two never meeting in the middle, no meals shared on top of not sharing a bed. It seemed their relationship was heading one way, and it wasn’t the right way. They’d become strangers living under the same roof.

Lori-Anne watched Mathieu from the living-room window. He was washing his new truck. Last week he’d gone out and come home with it, taking whatever was on the lot. The new models were coming in so all the dealerships had great deals on. Lori-Anne thought if she and Nadia had been in that big new F150 instead of the old Civic, well things wouldn’t be where they were.

She finished her coffee and put the empty cup on the little table in the foyer and went outside. She was still in her pajamas. At the end of the walkway she stopped, not wanting to get sprayed.

“Hey,” she said.

Mathieu gave a nod her way. “Hey.”

Even though it was already hot, she wrapped her arms around herself like she was cold. She felt something drop into the abyss of her stomach, her heart probably. This is what they’d become, two people who didn’t even know what to say to one another, unless they were tearing each other apart.

“Do you have plans for today?” she said.

Mathieu rinsed the rear left tire. “Not really. Probably just work on that little girl’s bed. I’m almost done and then I need to apply the finish so they can pick it up at the end of the month.”

Lori-Anne looked away, her heart sinking deeper. “Guess you don’t want to go downtown later?”

“Not really.”

“Seems like you just don’t want me around.”

He rinsed the side of his truck. “Not sure what you expect from me. You’ve moved on and I can’t. Not sure where that leaves us?”

“Pretty much where we are.”

Mathieu turned to her. “And that’s my fault?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t need to.”

Lori-Anne took a breath and waited for the venom she felt rising inside of her to retreat. When she didn’t say anything, Mathieu turned his back and continued washing the truck. It would be so easy to follow this where it was headed, to let her frustration and hurt erupt from her with harsh and stabbing words, but she knew it wouldn’t make her feel better. It never did.

Lori-Anne went back in the house feeling like her marriage was over and it was only a matter of time before one of them asked for a divorce. She was starting to believe that it might be the right thing to do. She didn’t want to admit failure, but it was getting impossible to deny. This life was sucking all her energy and maybe getting away from Mathieu, at least for a while, would do them both good. If only she could trust that he wouldn’t do something drastic.

She wouldn’t be able live with the guilt of walking away if he did. But she couldn’t stay with him the way he was, either.

An hour later she left for her parents’. She needed to talk to her mom.

* * *

“I don’t know what to do with Mathieu,” Lori-Anne said, barging in as soon as her mother opened the front door. “He won’t talk to me. I try but it’s like he doesn’t care. He’s just—”

Victoria gestured with her eyes toward the kitchen. Lori-Anne peeked and saw her niece sitting at the kitchen table, eating a croissant.

“Oh sweetie,” Lori-Anne said. “How did you get here?”

“I rode my bike. Only took thirty minutes.”

“Is that all?” Lori-Anne said. “Yeah, I guess it’s not that far from home. Sorry you had to hear what I said.”

“I know how Uncle Mathieu feels,” Caitlin said and pushed her empty plate. “I can spend hours in my room lying on my bed, just missing Nadia. Sometimes I grab my phone to text her and then realize I won’t get an answer, and I just cry. It really sucks, you know.”

“I know,” Lori-Anne said and took a seat at the kitchen table. She reached for a croissant piled on a plate in the middle of the table. “But we all need to move forward, somehow. I know it sounds cold, but what else can we do?”

Victoria joined them. “It’s not cold, honey. It’s reality. It doesn’t make it any less painful but we all need, as a family, to support each other and move on.”

Lori-Anne picked at her croissant and put small pieces in her mouth. Her appetite wasn’t there so she put the rest of the croissant on a napkin. “I don’t know how to help him do that. I sound like a broken record, but how do I get Mathieu the help he needs when he doesn’t want it? Sometimes I just wish he’d say it so we can get on with it.”

“Say what?” Caitlin said.

“That he blames me for the accident. After all, I was driving.”

“It was an accident, Aunt Lori-Anne.”

“I know, sweetie, but if he needs to blame someone to be able to move forward, then so be it. We can’t stay how we are.”

“You won’t get a divorce, too?”

Lori-Anne rubbed her forehead. “I might be angry with your uncle but I’m not getting a divorce. Adults fight too. We just need to work things out. Somehow.”

“How come my parents couldn’t do that?”

Lori-Anne shook her head. “I can’t answer that. A couple needs a lot of love to get through the crap that happens.”

“Guess my dad stopped loving my mom,” Caitlin said, as if talking to herself. “Or he loved that other woman more. I hate her. And him.”

“I know it’s tough on you.” Lori-Anne moved closer and put an arm around her niece’s shoulder. “Life doesn’t always play fair, sweetie. We’ll get through it.”

“You can’t promise that,” Caitlin said. “You can’t know that. It could keep getting worse and worse.”

“I sure hope not.”

“But it could,” Caitlin said. “When you came in, you sounded so mad at Uncle Mathieu, like you hated him.”

Lori-Anne pulled her arm away and let her shoulders drop. “I wouldn’t say I hate him. I’m just really disappointed and frustrated. He’s impossible to be around with these days and I don’t know what to do about it. He won’t listen to anything I say. He won’t get help. I’m mad at him because I love him and I want him to get better. I need him to get past this. He isn’t doing well, and I’m worried.”

“He misses Nadia,” Caitlin said. “We all do.”

Lori-Anne sat back in her chair. “Uncle Mathieu is in a bad place. He’s really depressed, and not in a oh-I’m-depressed-today-because-I-can’t-watch-my-favorite-TV-show, but in a real clinical way, and I’m afraid.”

“Why?”

Lori-Anne glanced at her mother. “Because people who are depressed can do desperate things.”

“Like what?” Caitlin said.

Lori-Anne hesitated. “I think you know what.”

After a long pause, Caitlin said, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I have no idea,” Lori-Anne said. “I just don’t know.”

* * *

Mathieu heard a car door slam and turned to see his father-in-law walking toward him. The old man laboured up the driveway and Mathieu noticed how old Samuel suddenly looked. Didn’t make him seem as imposing or intimidating. Although Samuel’s intimidation had never worked on Mathieu, possibly because Mathieu was the same height and a bit heavier than Samuel. And now he had youth on his side too.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Mathieu said and put the rag he’d been using to apply Danish Oil to parts of the bed down on the workbench. “I’m really not in the mood for your bullshit.”

“I thought maybe we could talk,” Samuel said.

Mathieu grabbed a clean rag and wiped his hands. “About?”

Samuel licked his lips a few times. “Working on such a beautiful day?”

“Why are you here?” he said. “I’m sure it’s not to shoot the crap.”

Samuel cleared his throat.

“I suppose you’re right about that,” he said. “You and Lori aren’t doing too good these days.”

“No shit, Sam,” Mathieu said, taking a step forward. “In case you haven’t been paying attention, we lost our only child.”

“She was my granddaughter—”

“And how often did you spend time with her?”

Samuel took a step back. “Huh?”

“In the fourteen years she was alive, how many damn times did you spend with her? Did you know anything about her?”

“We had her over to our place plenty of times—”

“Oh sure, at Christmas, Easter, big family gatherings,” Mathieu said, taking another step forward. “But did you spend any time with her?”

“I’m sure I did.”

“Name one time.”

Samuel opened his mouth then closed it. “Look, that’s not why I came over.”

“Why did you come?” Mathieu said, taking another step forward. “Lori-Anne isn’t here if that’s who you’re looking for.”

“You and I, we’ve never quite seen eye-to-eye.”

“That’s all your doing. You’ve never liked me.”

“That’s not it,” Samuel said. “I simply never thought you were right for Lori. I’d expected more from her.”

“So I was a big disappointment to you. Didn’t live up to Sam Weatherly’s high standards.”

“I wanted Lori to take over for me . . .”

“And because of me you had to settle for Jim. What? He’s not living up to your expectations either? Maybe your expectations are set a little too high. You ask me, that’s a recipe for disappointment.”

Samuel rubbed his lips with his hand. “Look, I’m not a bad guy. I worked hard and provided for my family. Gave them all a fair chance. I grew up pretty poor so I know what it’s like to have nothing.”

“Yeah, I know. You’re a self-made man who seems to look down on other people. Why is that? You think you’re better than the rest of us?”

“No, no I don’t. I’m sure you find that hard to believe. I just wanted my kids to have what I didn’t. I wanted them to know that hard work gets rewarded.”

“Hard work does, but showing love is also important.”

Samuel looked like he’d been slapped. “I love them all, even Cory.”

“When’s the last time you told any of them, especially Cory.”

Samuel made a dismissive hand gesture. “I’m sure they know.”

“I’m sure they don’t.”

An uncomfortable silence settled between them. Mathieu rubbed his hands with the clean rag like he was trying to remove something that wasn’t there.

“I have a proposition.”

“A proposition?”

Samuel nodded. “Yes.”

“So talk,” Mathieu said when his father-in-law said nothing more. “I have work to do.”

“I’d like to offer you a settlement.”

“Is this some kind of a joke?”

Samuel shook his head. “Starting over takes money.”

“Wow,” Mathieu said. “I never expected that, not even from you. You really think money is the answer?”

“It helps.”

“Won’t help bring Nadia back.”

Samuel looked like he’d been slapped again, but only for a second.

“Lori’s not getting anywhere with the way things are between the two of you. I thought if this is going to end in a divorce anyway, why not—”

“Go to hell, you bastard.”

“I can make it easier for you to start over. Lori is still young.”

“Get off my property.”

“I won’t offer this again,” Samuel said in a low, even-keeled voice. “If you don’t take me up on it now, you’ll get nothing from me when your marriage ends.”

“I don’t care,” Mathieu said. He grabbed the wet rag and went back to work. “By the way, she hates being called Lori. Guess you don’t know your daughter as well as you think you do.”

“Think about it.”

“Leave,” Mathieu said in a tired voice. “If I never see you again, I’ll be fine with that.”

“This isn’t a life for her. You two fighting all the time. She deserves better,” Samuel called out from the end of the driveway. “So much better.”

Mathieu turned around. “And so does Victoria.”

Once his father-in-law was gone, Mathieu put his rag down, sat on a stool, and rested his hands on his thighs to try and calm down. He replayed the scene in his mind, but felt more confused than ever. Had Lori-Anne gone to her parents and told them everything? Had her father really tried to buy him off? Who the hell did that? This wasn’t some TV show where shit like that happened.

Mathieu stood and paced. If Lori-Anne wanted a divorce, why didn’t she just ask? No, he didn’t think she did, not yet anyway. This was purely the old man getting his nose into someone else’s business. Mathieu’s business. What an arrogant SOB. Had he really believed that Mathieu could be bought?

“Hi Uncle Mathieu.”

“Jesus!” he said. “Scared the you-know-what out of me.”

“Sorry,” Caitlin said as she stepped off her bike and put it down on the driveway. “What are you doing?”

“I was taking a break.”

Caitlin walked into the garage. “That’s the bed for that girl? Looks really nice.”

“Thanks,” he said. “It’s turned out pretty good.”

“All the things you make do.”

He smiled. “That’s because you’ve never seen the things that go wrong. I usually trash those and start over.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “People pay me good money for custom furniture, so I can’t give them anything but the best.”

“I guess,” she said and ambled over to his workbench. He watched her look at a few tools. “I saw Aunt Lori-Anne this morning. At Grandma’s.”

“You did?”

Caitlin nodded. “I went to see Grandma because I was mad at my parents and I knew Dad wanted to take me for the day and I didn’t want to be with him and his new girlfriend so I went to Grandma’s.”

Mathieu didn’t say anything.

“Aunt Lori-Anne was mad at you.”

“I know.” He paused and looked at his niece. “I just can’t seem to do the right thing by your aunt lately.”

“That’s because you’re still hurting from losing Nadia.”

Mathieu watched her take a chisel in her hands and was glad he’d put the cap on the cutting end. “It is, but it doesn’t make it right to hurt your aunt. I need to be better.”

“If Nadia was here, do you think you and Aunt Lori-Anne would be fighting?”

“No, we wouldn’t be.”

“So all you have to do is pretend.”

“It’s not that simple,” he said. “That’s one pain I can’t pretend doesn’t exist. Nadia was my special little girl.”

“I wish my dad thought of me that way,” she said. “I don’t think he does. He’s never spent a lot of time with me. Not like you did with Nadia and me. You’re more of a dad to me than he is. Maybe I should come and live with you guys.”

“Caitlin.” Mathieu waited for her to look at him. “You have a home. Your mother loves you and I’m sure your dad does too even if he doesn’t live there anymore. And you can’t take Nadia’s place.”

“I know,” she said. “It’s just maybe if I . . .”

“What?”

“Well, Aunt Lori-Anne said you’re really depressed because you miss Nadia so much and you guys are always fighting, and I thought maybe if I was here, it would be like . . . better.”

Mathieu looked at nothing in particular so he could sort out his thoughts.

“You’re a wonderful, thoughtful young lady,” he said. “And I love you for wanting to help. But I need to find peace in my own heart about Nadia. I can’t have my niece take her place. That would be so . . .”

“Weird.”

“Yeah. It would. It sure would.” He thought back to Samuel’s unexpected visit. The old man had wanted to ruin his marriage and his life, and here was his fourteen-year-old niece doing exactly the opposite. “I think your dad is missing out on a great kid.”

Her face lit up and once again he saw the family resemblance. It made him look away.

“You love Aunt Lori-Anne?”

He forced himself to look at Caitlin. “Yeah, I really do.”

She smiled. “That’s good.”

Mathieu smiled back. “Yes, I think it is.”

“Well, I guess I should go home,” Caitlin said. “Before my mom reports me as a missing person.” She got on her bike. “See ya.”

“Be careful,” Mathieu said. “And tell your mom I say hi.”

“I will.”

Mathieu watched her ride down the driveway, cross the road, and disappear from sight.

* * *

Lori-Anne and her mother sat outside at the patio table after Caitlin left, drinking iced tea and talking. Mostly, Lori-Anne talked and Victoria listened. Lori-Anne didn’t hold anything back. She was tired of hoping that things were going to get better when it was obvious they weren’t. She’d been denying too many things lately.

Lori-Anne told her mother about Mathieu’s mood swings, the way he walked with his shoulders rounded and his head hung low as if the weight of all his grief was too much to bear. He had dark and lifeless eyes, like the real Mathieu was lost somewhere behind those eyes and there was no way to reach him. He was unpredictable, either sad and helpless, or granite hard and ready to fight. They hadn’t slept in the same bed for weeks, and never ate together. They spoke, when they spoke at all, with cutting cordiality. Even her work no longer provided refuge. How could she heal when she spent her days wondering what he might do?

“Maybe it’s time for me to face reality and accept that we’re not going to get through this.”

“Oh, honey, it’s not that bad.”

“It feels like it, mom. I thought I could handle anything, but . . .”

Lori-Anne looked out into the yard, the calm pool water a contrast to the turmoil inside of her. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt at peace.

“You’ll be fine,” Victoria said. “I have faith in you.”

“Glad someone does.”

“Did you mean what you said earlier to Caitlin, about Mathieu blaming you?”

Lori-Anne shrugged. “Wouldn’t that make it easier if he did say it? Wouldn’t that be easier on him, like a burden tossed away? I’m not without blame. I was driving and I was distracted.”

“You need to stop torturing yourself if you expect to help your husband,” Victoria said. “Maybe you want him to blame you because you feel you deserve to be blamed?”

“Maybe I do,” Lori-Anne said and put her fist to her mouth so she could bite down on her fingers. “If it wasn’t for me—”

“Stop! Maybe Mathieu isn’t the only one unable to move forward.”

“I want us to get help, not just him. I need to tell him, but I can’t. I want him to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault.” Lori-Anne snatched a couple of tissues from the tissue box her mother had had the good sense to bring out with them. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “But he can’t tell me that because it really was my fault.”

“We all make mistakes.”

“Except mine killed my daughter.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.”

Lori-Anne shook her head so hard her hair whipped across her face. “Maybe it’s me that’s preventing him from moving on. Maybe if he didn’t see me every day, he wouldn’t be reminded of what I did. Maybe he’d be better off without me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Because he loves you, I know he does.”

“You can’t know that.”

“He’s a good man. You know that. You wouldn’t have married him otherwise. Keep that in mind. He’s in a world of pain and he’s not seeing things right. He’ll come around.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Just look at his grandfather,” Victoria said. “Mathieu is so much like him, but he’s still young. And grief can blind us and make us forget what’s important. You are important to him, honey. Each day, the pain will ease off a bit. It may take a long time, but don’t give up.”

“But how long do I have to wait?”

“However long it takes. You go home and keep trying. Giving up on him will not do either one of you any good. Try and do things, however small, that will help him, even if he doesn’t see it that way.”

“Feels like anything I do is wrong.”

“Just do your best.”

When Lori-Anne arrived home, she noticed Mathieu’s new truck wasn’t in the driveway. He’d probably gone to see his grandparents. Inside, the house was uncomfortably quiet. She put her purse, keys, and phone on the hall table and headed to the kitchen to see if he’d left a note.

Nothing. She wasn’t really surprised. This was the state of their marriage. Her mother had told her to go home and do something to help him. Maybe she should make dinner, set the table, and they could at least eat together.

Lori-Anne went to the fridge to see if she could find something to turn into a meal, but then her phone beeped three times. She hurried to the foyer and grabbed her cell.

“Oh no,” she said after reading the text. “Not now. Damn it!”

She grabbed her purse and keys, and left.