ELEVEN

Canada Day

July 1, 2012

6:41 p.m.

Lori-Anne felt panicky, her throat was closing, and her heart hammered against her ribs. She stopped just outside the emergency room doors, took a couple of deep breaths, and forced herself to enter the hospital. A blast of cold air hit her, a shocking difference from the muggy heat outside.

She rubbed her arms and looked around. The place was crowded and noisy. There was a baby screeching and a mother doing her best to quiet the child; a group of people appearing to be of Middle East origin were talking loudly, huddled over a boy with a bloody face; a black couple, maybe in their early thirties, were trying to soothe a little girl who looked pale and dazed as she lay across the mother’s lap.

Lori-Anne couldn’t see her husband.

Her mind reeled back to those three small words that could totally destroy the man she loved. How would he handle this on top of losing Nadia? She looked at faces, trying to see who might be going through worse things than they were. But none of these people were here by choice. It didn’t matter what tragedy they’d suffered. It didn’t make it less heartbreaking because no one had died.

Lori-Anne made her way to the nurses’ station and tried to get someone’s attention. This place was pandemonium. These nurses didn’t get paid enough, she probably earned twice as much as they did, and her actions never saved a life.

A tap on her shoulder.

Mathieu.

He said something but she couldn’t hear him. He took her hand and led her away from the triage area and down a hall where it was quieter.

“Are you all right?” she said. A couple of nurses walked by, paying little attention to them. “Mathieu?”

“She’s dead,” he said. “Grandma is dead.”

Three little words.

“I’m so sorry,” she said.

“A stroke, worse than the last one. Too much for her to take. Grandpa said she was dead before she hit the floor. They were standing in the kitchen talking, and all of a sudden, she got this weird look on her face. She was trying to say something but nothing was coming out and he knew what it was. Before he could get to the phone, Grandma crumpled to the floor like a rag. He tried to catch her but she was too heavy for him and he went down with her.”

“Did he get hurt?” Lori-Anne said. “Where is he?”

“He’s with Grandma,” he said. “In one of those rooms.” He gestured with his right hand down the corridor.

“How is he?” she said. “Is he in shock?”

Mathieu shook his head. “He seems fine. Says the Lord felt it was time to bring Grandma home.” He curled his fists. “I really hate that religious crap. God has no plan except to torture us.”

“Mathieu,” she said. “Your grandparents are very religious and you have to respect that.”

“I respect it, but I don’t believe in it,” he said. “Grandma was old and she’d already had a stroke. It’s all medical. God had nothing to do with it.”

“Well, maybe you can keep that to yourself,” she said. “We need to be here for Grandpa. He’s going to need us once the shock sets in and he realizes that she’s really gone.”

Mathieu looked toward the room where his grandmother lay dead. She’d been the mother he’d never had, making sure he was taken care of. She’d taken him to doctors’ appointments, met with his teachers, and helped with homework. He owed her so much. “I can’t believe she’s gone either.”

“She’s in a better place.”

Mathieu turned to Lori-Anne, the muscles around his eyes tightening. “Do you believe that?”

Lori-Anne was non-committal. “I guess. She’s not suffering, so that has to count for something. Would you have wanted her to survive and live paralyzed? Grandma was too proud to live that way. She wouldn’t have wanted to be a burden.”

“No, she wouldn’t have wanted that,” he said. “But is there really a better place? Seems to me that dead is dead.” But then he stopped and remembered what had happened during his Father’s Day cemetery visit.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing. It was nothing. I was just thinking about Nadia, about the short time we had with her, that’s all. It just makes me feel . . .”

Lori-Anne looked up at her husband. “Nadia gave us fourteen wonderful years. We are who we are because of her. She was our daughter and we loved her no matter how angry she made us sometimes. But wasn’t it worth it? I think it was. I’d rather feel this pain that we’re feeling right now than to never have known love the way we loved her. She was our beautiful little girl and her short life was not for nothing.”

Mathieu looked away, his heart climbing up his throat.

“Look at me,” Lori-Anne said.

Slowly, he did.

“Nadia’s life wasn’t for nothing. You need to believe that. Just like your grandmother’s life wasn’t for nothing. It doesn’t matter how long or short it is. We all bring something to this world, to the people who matter to us.”

He nodded but didn’t say anything, the muscles around his lungs closing and squeezing the air out like a burst balloon.

“Are you okay?”

After a moment, he was able to nod. “It just never seems to stop.”

“I know,” she said. “But we can’t lose sight of Grandpa. This is a bigger loss for him. Let’s go see how he’s doing.”

* * *

When she entered the room, Lori-Anne went straight to Grandpa and hugged him. There was comfort in this old man’s arms, a comfort she used to get from Mathieu. She even allowed herself to cry quietly into his shoulder, and when she pulled away, he offered her his handkerchief.

She shook her head and pulled a tissue from her purse. “I’m so sorry. Grandma was such a wonderful lady.”

“Can’t disagree with you,” he said, taking hold of his wife’s lifeless hand. “Had some great years together. Sure glad she said yes to me so many years ago. Sure glad she did.”

Lori-Anne glanced at Mathieu but he was sitting on a chair by the door, his hands clasped between his knees and his head down.

“Are you okay?” she asked Grandpa.

“I miss her already,” he said as his lower lip trembled. “We’re both old. Can’t live forever, I suppose.”

She couldn’t fathom what it must be like for him, to lose the woman he’d loved for more than sixty years. He probably couldn’t remember life without her. They had suffered so much, too. And yet, they’d remained devoted to their faith, going to church every Sunday. She felt ashamed. She hadn’t stepped into a church since Nadia’s service almost three months ago. Maybe religion should be a bigger part of her life. She glanced at Mathieu again and knew that it would be a solo journey if she decided to follow through. If he’d had any faith, it was gone now.

Lori-Anne gave Grandpa’s arm a rub and he smiled at her. His eyes reminded her of Mathieu’s. His jaw was also Mathieu’s jaw. She’d seen a picture of Grandpa at Mathieu’s age and they looked so alike, they could have been brothers. Words her mother had said came to her: he’s just like his grandfather, a good man with a good heart, just a bit lost right now. Lori-Anne saw it, the truth of it.

“I remember the first time I met you both,” she said. “Mathieu hadn’t told me you were his grandparents and I kept thinking, wow, his parents are sort of old, and then I noticed the picture on the small table by the sofa, the picture of Mathieu with a young couple, and stupid me, I asked who they were and you all went quiet for a moment and then Grandma took me aside and told me the whole story. My heart and my love went to Mathieu that night, and to the two of you.

Grandpa smiled and patted her hand. “We were just glad he’d finally brought a girlfriend home, and a pretty and smart one at that.”

Lori-Anne blushed.

“Do you want us to take care of things for you?” she said.

“No need,” he said. “We made plans a while back, after her first stroke, just in case. We realized we weren’t going to be around forever and we didn’t want you and Mathieu to be burdened, scrambling to get it all arranged. I just need to make a phone call.”

“Guess she’ll be buried with the rest of the family.”

Grandpa nodded. “There’s room for all of us there.”

Lori-Anne glanced at her husband, and this time he was looking at her and she could see how overwhelmed he was.

He must feel like his world is imploding, she thought, and there isn’t a thing he can do to stop it.

“Going to get something to drink,” Mathieu said. “Anyone else want something?”

“A bottle of water would be great,” Lori-Anne said.

Once Mathieu had left the room, she said, “You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do. Anything at all.”

“I think Mathieu needs your help more than I do. I’ll be fine. But the boy, he’s been through a lot and I’ll be honest, I’m worried. And I know you are too, it’s written all over your face. Any luck with counselling?”

Lori-Anne shook her head. “I mentioned it the one time and it became a fight,” she said. “He’s stubborn. Thinks he’ll get through it by himself, somehow. But I’m worried. Even more than before, if that’s possible. I don’t know what losing Grandma is going to do to him.”

Grandpa nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“But you have your own loss to deal with.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Now I know where he gets it from.”

“We are a proud bunch,” he said with a hint of a grin. “I’ll miss my Flore I have no doubt, but I’m more worried about Mathieu. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“It’s like something was switched off inside of him.”

“That’s one way of putting it.”

Mathieu came back and they fell silent. He handed Lori-Anne a bottle of water. She took a couple of sips.

“When will you have the service?” she said.

“I have to speak to the funeral director, but maybe Thursday. Give me a chance to let people know. She had a lot of friends at the community centre. Still volunteered once a week.”

Lori-Anne looked at Grandma. “She was always thinking of others.”

“She was,” Grandpa said. “They’ll all want to come and say goodbye.”

“It’s getting late. I’m sure the nurses will be asking us to leave soon.” She turned to Mathieu. “You staying?”

“A bit longer. Going to drive Grandpa home.”

“Sure,” she said.

Lori-Anne kissed Grandpa on the cheek and left without kissing her husband.