I started having this strange thought. I was thinking about when I used to do dance when I was a small girl. I mostly did ballet. I tried some other dancing, like jazz, but I didn’t really like it that much. I mostly just liked ballet. I actually mostly liked all the outfits you would get to wear. I certainly liked my normal tutu that I wore to practice, but what I liked most were the costumes you got to wear for a proper dance recital. One time our dance school did a performance of Peter Pan. And I myself even got to do the lead role, as Peter Pan! I know it might sound quite funny, a girl playing Peter Pan, who is meant to be a boy. But the thing is that our dance school was only for girls, so we didn’t have any choice. You see, I had a very smart idea to get the lead role. I was very clever. When I heard that we were going to do Peter Pan and that we were going to have tryouts in a week to decide who gets what role, I had an idea. I went home that night and went into my room. But before I went into my room, I sneaked into the kitchen and got a pair of scissors. I knew for sure that if I had short hair, like a boy, I would get to be Peter Pan definitely. So what I did was that I secretly cut off a lot of my hair while I was in my room. I was so excited, because I wanted to be the lead in the performance. But I didn’t have a mirror in my room when I was little, so I couldn’t really see what I was doing too well. I just did my best to cut my hair like a boy. Then, after my parents had gone to sleep, I sneaked into the bathroom to see how it looked. But it was very funny. The second I saw myself in the mirror, I started crying. I cried so loud, I even woke my parents up. I was suddenly so upset that I didn’t have long hair any more. I hardly even looked like a girl; I was so upset. I didn’t even know why I wanted to cut it in the first place. My parents came into the bathroom and when they saw me, they were very surprised. I think maybe they thought I was someone else for a moment. I told them that it was only me and that I had cut my hair. They had a big talk to me then about how I shouldn’t cut my hair like that. But I didn’t hear them really, because I was still crying. I cried the whole night in my bed. Then the next day, they said I had to go to a hairdresser’s to get it properly cut, since I didn’t do a very good job. It was all lumpy when I did it. I remember I even asked the hairdresser if it was possible to put all my hair back on. The hair was all still in the bin at home, and I asked if I went home and got it all, if they could put it back on. But they said they couldn’t. I was a silly little kid back then, I didn’t really know too much about hair.
But then when I went back to dance next week, I showed my teacher my short hair and told her that I had cut it just for Peter Pan. I wasn’t too upset about it anymore by then. And then she said I could be Peter Pan! It was probably the most fun performance I ever did, too.
When I was thinking about that, I kind of felt like visiting my old dance teacher, Margaret. I sort of wanted to talk to her about something. I suddenly had this very appealing idea. I had this thought that maybe I could go visit Margaret and ask her if she could give me a job working for her. She still runs her ballet academy, and she employs quite a few people there. I thought I could ask her if I could work for her and teach all the little girls to dance ballet. I wouldn’t have to worry at all about my essay if I was just working for her.
Margaret is quite a nice lady. I hadn’t seen her in a few years, but I thought she would still remember me. We used to always visit her once or twice a year. Me and my mum and my dad would get invited over to her house now and again. She would always throw these dinner parties, and she would invite us. She loved doing fancy things like throwing dinner parties and cooking a lot of very nice food for all the guests. I remember having a lot of fun going to those things when I was little. She would always make everyone wear fancy dresses and suits and things. The boys would have to wear suits and the girls would have to wear dresses. She would say it was like an old-fashioned dinner party. I used to love those things when I was little, because I could dress in all these pretty pink dresses. Or sometimes white. And wear my mum’s jewellery and makeup and things. I used to love all that stuff. I don’t really like it very much anymore though. I think it’s kind of silly, getting all dressed up like that just to eat dinner. I’d rather just wear a black t-shirt and some jeans or something.
I thought I better give Margaret a call to ask her if I could go and visit her at her home. I normally would have just gone to the dance studio to see her, but it was Sunday, so it was closed. But I had been to her house quite a few times, so I figured she wouldn’t mind if I visited her.
I walked down the main road, looking for a pay phone. I found one quite quickly. There seemed to be phones all over the place. I had to hunt through my bag for some coins to pay the telephone with. I found some right down the bottom of my bag. I put them into the machine and went to type in the phone number. Although I only just remembered that I couldn’t remember her phone number. I tried to think from my mind what it was, but I couldn’t. I was very annoyed, because I didn’t know how to call her. And then I was even grumpier, because I had put all my coins in the phone box. I decided to leave.
I started walking along the road. I figured maybe I could just go to her house, even though I couldn’t call and ask. I knew exactly where it was, and I could get there myself. I thought maybe it was a bit rude to just show up like that. But I decided to go anyway. I didn’t know what else to do.
I caught the bus there. I was so sick of buses by then. I normally take a lot of buses anyway, but in the last few days, I had taken even more than that. She lived in this quite nice house. She had this big hedge all along the front of her house. I always thought that hedge was so cool. It protected you from everything around you. Annoying neighbours and strangers and things. I want a hedge one day.
What I really want is a big Gothic house. It would be all dark colours, like black and purple and maybe some really dark red. It would have a big iron fence and a big hedge around it. Then when you go through the rusty iron gate, the yard would have all sorts of statues and gargoyles and things around it. It would be very creepy and very cool. I always wanted to have a big house like that, and I could be the ghost that lived in it. I’d just be this very pale ghostly girl who would never come out during the day. Then, sometimes at night, people could see a figure through the windows of the house. But they couldn’t really tell who or what it was, because it would be too dark. And they might think it was a ghost. The house would have this great bell tower on the very top, and sometimes I’d be up there, and you could just see the outline of me. And people would point up and say, “Look, the ghost!” and then run away because they were so scared. The thing is, though, I would actually be a very friendly ghost, not a scary one. But people wouldn’t know that, and that’s just the way I wanted it. Because then they’d stay away from my house and I could have some peace and quiet.
Margaret’s house was up on this steep slope, so you had to go through this gate and then walk up quite a lot of stone steps to get there. I could see some lights on in her house, so I thought she must be home. She lives by herself there. She used to be married, but she got divorced a few years ago.
I knocked on the door. It took quite a long time for anything to happen. But eventually I heard some footsteps, and then she opened the door. She looked quite old. I hadn’t seen her in some years. But I was so surprised when straight away she said, “Franny, is that you?” I had been kind of worried she wouldn’t even know who I was any more.
“Yes, Margaret, it’s me.”
“What are you doing here?”
I actually forgot why I was even there. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. But then I was glad she said something instead.
“Oh, I don’t meant to be rude,” she said. “It’s great to see you.” Then she stepped out and hugged me. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”
“Sorry. I tried to call you, but I forgot your phone number.”
“That’s quite all right. What can I do for you?”
I still didn’t even really know what to say to her. All I mostly said was, “Uhm.” I was being a very bad talker just then. But then I said, “I just thought I would visit you for a chat.”
She sort of smiled a bit when I said that. “Well, that sounds fantastic. Why don’t you come inside?” She sort of took me by the shoulder and guided me inside. She certainly did have a very nice house. I had forgotten how big and fancy it was. It was this very old-fashioned house with a very nice entranceway. It even had a big chandelier hanging over your head as soon as you walked in. All the house was made of very pretty old wood.
I walked into her living room. I still remembered where it was. It was the very first door on the left when you went inside. And when I went in, there was this little black dog that started waddling over to me. It was Millie! I knew that dog straight away. I remembered her from years ago! She was sort of barking at me, although it was a very pathetic little bark. She was this very old very slow dog, and so she couldn’t bark very well any more. She wasn’t so old when I saw her last time. She walked all the way over to me, where I was standing at the side of the living room and sat down next to my legs. I bent down and patted her. She was very old and warty now, and she didn’t smell very clean. But I liked her a lot. She was so sweet. I remember every time when I used to come over and have dinner at Margaret’s house, Millie would always come and sit by me. Even when we were at the dinner table, she would come and sit right in between my legs, under the table. I would always reach down and pat her secretly. But I would never give her any of my food. My dad told me not to do that.
Margaret had this very funny painting right above the fireplace in the living room. It was a huge painting of her with Millie sitting in her lap. I always thought it would be so strange to look at a painting of yourself all day. Then Margaret came in behind me and told me to please sit down. So I sat down on one of her couches behind this little coffee table. She sat in this armchair opposite me, with this very good posture. She always sat perfectly straight up.
“So how are you, Franny dear?” she said to me. “I haven’t seen you in…” She was thinking for a moment. “In four years?”
She said it like she was asking me a question. I didn’t know if I was supposed to answer it or not though. I didn’t know how long it had been. So I just said, “Yes. I’m sorry it’s been so long; I’ve been very busy.”
“That’s quite all right. So have I. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it?”
Millie had followed me over to the couch and was sitting between my legs and wagging her tail. I gave her another little scratch on the head, and she shuffled even closer to me when I did that.
Then Margaret said, “I suppose you know Robert and I separated.” I just nodded when she said that, but I’m not sure if she saw it. She was looking down a little bit. Then she looked up. “But how are you now, Franny?” She already asked me that, but I didn’t want to point that out to her. “Are you still at university? I remember running into your father a couple of years ago, and he told me all about it.”
I didn’t really feel like getting into that whole conversation, so I just told her yes and then quickly changed the subject. I asked her how the ballet academy was going.
“It’s wonderful as always,” she said, and she looked at me very warmly now. “Every year, the girls are always complete darlings.” She looked very happy when she started talking about it. “You’ve heard that we’ve now had three girls accepted into the royal academy, have you?”
I shook my head. I didn’t really keep up with that sort of stuff.
“Yes, it’s been so exciting. Just last year Matilda Perkins moved out there. I can’t wait to hear from her next to see how it’s all going.”
I wasn’t really too interested in hearing about those people, so I sort of interrupted her. I just said to her, “Do you think maybe I could come back and be a ballet teacher at your dance school?” I sort of blurted it out while she was in the middle of talking. It was very rude of me, but I guess I didn’t really think it through at the time. I think Margaret hardly even heard me, too, because she didn’t say anything. But then she eventually understood what I had said.
“A ballet teacher?” she said. “But you—did you continue your studies elsewhere after leaving my academy?”
“Oh, no. I didn’t.”
“But, Franny. You only studied for a few years, didn’t you? You left when you were about fourteen.”
I realise I was probably very dumb to even think about asking her for a job. But for some reason I couldn’t let go of the idea. “I know. But I thought that maybe if you kept giving me some lessons, I could become very good at it. I had a lot of fun when I was little, and I thought maybe it could be a lot of fun again. I thought maybe I could even teach all the little girls, and they would really enjoy themselves too.”
The only thing was that I didn’t want to wear any dresses or things any more. I thought dancing would be quite fun again, but I still didn’t want to dress up anymore. But I didn’t think it would matter. The dance teachers never wore tutus and things, unless they wanted to. They just wore some nice comfortable clothes for teaching in.
“Franny, I—” she said. “I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t work like that. You have to study ballet for a long time to be qualified to teach. Most people who teach have completed vocational grading.”
I was very disappointed when she said that. I’m not sure why, but I sort of thought she would just say yes when I first got the idea. I sort of thought I had it all figured out. I could just work for her and have a lot of fun doing it. I didn’t have to work for her forever, but I thought I could at least do it for a few years. And then I would have plenty of time to figure out what I wanted to do after that.
So then I said, “Could I maybe just come and help you look after the little kids then? Even if I don’t teach them ballet. Could I just come and help out? I could maybe clean the mirrors?” Dance studios always have these big mirrors along the walls to help you see yourself when you’re dancing. It’s very important to be able to see what you’re doing so you can keep checking your form. And those mirrors always get so dirty. There’s always a lot of smudge marks and things from when people accidentally rub up against it. And they take a long time to clean. So I thought I could be quite useful if I did that. “And I could help the girls put on their little shoes and things?”
“I’m really sorry, Franny, but I’m just not looking for any new employees at the moment. We’ve got four full-time staff already, and it’s hard even to maintain them.”
But I didn’t really hear her. I was thinking about all those little kids trying to put on their ballet shoes. It’s always so hard to get those things on, and kids struggle all the time. I remember how much trouble I used to have. I thought maybe when all the little girls got really sore feet, from all the ballet, I could help them out. You actually have to have very tough feet to do ballet, even as a kid. From standing on your tippy toes all the time, it gets very sore. And sometimes, even your toes would bleed. I thought about how awful it was that all those little kids’ feet would bleed. And that they might want to cry, because it hurts a lot. They would be very sad and in pain, but they try to act brave and look very pretty, because they want to be beautiful ballerinas. Just like all the stupid fairy tales they hear all the time.
But I didn’t bother saying any of that to Margaret. I could see she was just sitting there, sort of shaking her head, as if she knew I wanted to keep asking her for a job, and she would just keep saying no. I just kind of started feeling very bored then. I didn’t really feel too angry or sad or anything anymore. I just felt very bored of the whole thing. I didn’t want to listen to her lecturing me anymore or even be in that house anymore. She asked me something about what sort of other employment I was interested in, but I didn’t want to answer her.
“Thanks, Margaret, but I actually have to get going,” I said.
“Oh, you do? Are you sure? If you like, I could make us some afternoon tea. I bought these beautiful little—”
“Yeah, I have to go now. But thanks anyway.” I started to get up, and Millie rubbed up against my leg again. I gave her another scratch on the head and then headed for the door.
“Oh well. That’s all right, Franny,” Margaret said. She was following me into the hallway. “It was lovely to see you.” I went towards the front door. I was very bored of her then. I didn’t feel like chatting anymore. We were standing by the door and she said, “Make sure you come back again soon. And bring your parents with you as well; I’d love to catch up with them.” I could see she was starting to lean in to give me a hug, but I didn’t feel even a tiny bit like giving her a hug. I sort of ducked to the side a little bit and opened the front door very quickly.
“Goodbye,” I said, and went out. I pulled the door closed behind me. I ran down the stone steps, skipping two at a time. I had quite a lot of fun running down those steps. I’m not sure why; I think maybe it’s because I’m usually very careful with things like that and always take them slowly. But I ran down those ones very fast. It was also because I imagined this very silly thing. I sort of imagined it was a big spooky haunted house and that there was a monster chasing me down the steps. I imagined it was right behind me with a big nasty claw stretching out ready to grab me. But I was too quick for it. I was sprinting down those steps very fast, and it couldn’t catch up. Then I ran out through the gate very quickly. My heart was even beating quite fast, too. It was a lot of fun.