26
Shar’s daddy had been released from the hospital and they were now back at the house she grew up in. The only draft that was coming into the house now was from the windows. They were old and in need of replacing, but there was never enough money for repairs like that. Yet, her mama was coughing less and up on her feet a lot more. Marlene and Johnny had switched places.
Before Marlene went into the hospital, Johnny had been taking care of her and trying to do everything possible to make her comfortable. But even though the hospital released him, Johnny was still frail and weak. Every time Shar looked at her father, she thought, John Henry done dropped his hammer.
Shar was thankful to help around the house as much as she could. It took her mind off of other things like Mother Barnett dying in that fire two weeks ago. The fire department had arrived on the scene a week late. When the rubble of the house was finally inspected, they determined that the fire had not been caused by a candle left burning in the window, but by faulty wiring.
It was strange how that knowledge felt bad in one way but good in another. She felt bad that Mother Barnett lived in a home that was so shabby it eventually became a death trap for her. But Shar was glad that Mother Barnett hadn’t died while keeping a light burning for a man who wasn’t thinking about coming back home.
At one point in Shar’s life, she had romanticized what Mother Barnett had been doing, but not anymore. She now realized that dying old and alone after spending all your days waiting for some no-account to come back to a home he never should have left in the first place was no way to live or die.
Shar had left the nightclub and was now working in a neighborhood beauty salon. It wasn’t much, but it helped her parents make ends meet, and she hadn’t so much as thought about Nicoli James in weeks. Landon Norstrom was a different story. She couldn’t stop thinking about him and how wonderful he had been to her family in their time of need. Even though Landon was far from being a no-account or good-for-nothing kind of man, Shar still wished she didn’t have him on her mind morning, noon, and night. What good would all this thinking on Landon do anyway? Any love he might have felt for her was long gone. And she wasn’t worthy of it anyway.
“Shar, can you shampoo Lisa for me?”
“Sure thing,” Shar said to Dolly Peterson, the owner of the salon. She then brought Dolly’s client to the shampoo bowl and proceeded to do her job. “How are you doing today?”
Lisa smiled. “I’m doing good. Just happy to get out of the house and have something done to this nappy head of mine.”
Shar smiled back, but even as she did so, she found herself thinking back to those days of singing her heart out in Mr. Dorsey’s choir. She was thankful for the job, but Shar still felt the sting of dried-up dreams. She tried her best not to let it get her down. This was where life had taken her, and she was just blessed to be able to help her parents in any way she could. So, she kept coming to work, doing her job, collecting her tips, and then going home and helping her parents around the house.
She was also doing the weekly washings to help her mama, and then once the clothes was dry and taken off the clothesline, Marlene did the ironing. She would then see to it that the clothes were taken back to her mama’s customers during her daily walk to work. By the end of the week, Shar was worn and tired. Her one day off was on Sunday. She skipped Sunday school so she could get an extra hour of sleep. She then got up and made her way back to United Worship Center.
When Shar arrived, the choir was still singing. Nettie stood before the church and took lead vocals on “Precious Lord, Take My Hand.” Shar closed her eyes and pictured herself singing that same song while on tour. The congregation had given her a standing ovation when she’d finished. But with the way she’d trampled on her faith in order to make a little money in them nightclubs, she’d probably be stoned to death if she tried to sing that song today.
When the choir sat down, Pastor Landon took the podium and began preaching like a man with a cause. Today it felt like his message was for her and her alone, as he preached about God’s spirit departing from King Saul because of Saul’s dis-
obedience. From the time she belted out her first song of praise, Shar knew that her voice was only meant for gospel music, and now that she had ignored the call on her life, she too felt as though God’s spirit had departed from her. Even though Pastor Landon had cut too close to home, Shar was still grateful that she was able to hear Landon preach. He inspired her in so many ways.
When the service ended, Shar stayed behind so she could thank him for the words he’d delivered straight to her heart. So she stayed in her seat waiting for him to shake hands and provide well wishes to all of the parishioners who stopped by to talk to him before leaving the church.
Once most of the church members had filed out of the building, Shar was about to make her way over to Landon, but that’s when Nettie grabbed hold of his arm and whispered in his ear. Landon leaned his head back, looked at Nettie, and the two of them shared a great big old belly laugh.
Shar wanted to know what Nettie had said to cause Landon to laugh so. And why was she the one to put that smile on his face? Shar could hardly stand to watch the two of them. She got out of her seat and made her way to the door without saying anything to Landon. She would have to thank him for the beautiful sermon on another occasion. Because she truly felt as if she would break down and cry right in front of him and Nettie if she stayed there one second longer.
As she reached the door, Shar heard Landon call after her. “Hey, Shar, don’t go yet. I wanted to talk to you.”
She turned and watched him walk away from Nettie as he headed in her direction. Shar’s heart began to race, just as it had in times past while in Landon’s presence. He just had that kind of affect on her. She wished he didn’t, but she hadn’t figured out yet how to tell her heart what to do and who to love. “I was waiting on you because I wanted to tell you how wonderful your sermon was,” Shar said as she glanced in Nettie’s direction. Catching the irritated look on the woman’s face, she continued, “But I didn’t know how long you would be, so I figured I would just get on home.”
“How are your patients doing?”
“Daddy is still pretty frail and weak. But Mama seems to be getting better day by day.”
“That’s good.” Landon stood there, looking as if he didn’t know what to say next.
Shar said, “You wanted to speak with me about something?”
“Oh yeah.” He touched her arm, guiding her back toward the sanctuary chairs. “Can you sit down with me for a few minutes? I’d like to talk to you about something.”
With each step she took, Shar dreamed that Landon wanted to tell her that he was still in love with her and couldn’t live without her one second longer. As they sat down on the front bench, Shar leaned forward, a look of expectation on her face.
Landon cleared his throat. He appeared to hesitate as if choosing his words carefully. The sanctuary was cleared out, and the only person remaining was Nettie. She was in the choir stand busying herself with a bunch of nothing.
Go on, Landon. Tell me that you still love me.
“You know about the project we’ve been working on at this church for the last few years, right?”
Well, his words didn’t sound anything like, “I love you and I want you back.” But maybe he was doing a little small talk before letting her know what was in his heart. “Of course, yes, I remember. You’ve been trying to get decent housing for people in our community.”
“Here’s the thing,” Landon began. “The NAACP has agreed to help us with a lawsuit against the city, but first we need to have at least ten qualified candidates for home ownership . . . we’ve got that. But we also need to have the money available for each of those families to be able to purchase their homes. We don’t have enough money yet.”
Shar’s hand went to her heart, truly feeling pain for Landon’s dilemma. “But you’ve worked so hard on this. Isn’t there some way you can come up with the money needed to get those people into a nice home.” Shar understood firsthand the benefits of not just having a place to lay your head, but also having a nice and decent place. The people in this community work hard night and day. Wasn’t it time for some of those better days to come their way?
Clasping his hands together, like a man with a plan, Landon said, “That’s why I wanted to talk to you.” Landon looked to the choir stand and began waving Nettie over to where they were seated. “Could you come over here for a moment, Sister Johnson?”
Why was he inviting Nettie into their conversation? Did Landon not have anything special he wanted to say to her? She knew that Nettie was now working as his office assistant or something, but did that mean he couldn’t carry on a conversation without her? Exactly how close were Landon and Nettie these days? All these musings went through her head, but no answers were forthcoming as she watched Nettie trot over to them.
Landon smiled at Nettie again, as if he was just so pleased to be in her company. He then turned back to Shar. “Nettie’s father has agreed to help us with promotions and tickets sales for a fund-raiser that he suggested. And I wanted to talk to you about it because we would be mighty grateful if you helped us with it.”
She could fry chicken with the best of ’em. Bring on the fund-raiser. Maybe helping someone else would take her mind off of her own troubles. “I’d love to help with a fund-raiser. I think what you’re doing to help our people is commendable. And if I can help in some small way, then I’m thankful to God for that.”
“I’m glad you feel that way, Shar. The choir is going to begin rehearsing for the fund-raiser next week, so that will give you a little more time to get things settled at home before worrying about any obligations to the church.”
Shar lifted up her hands, trying to back the conversation up. “Wait a minute, I might of missed something. The choir is doing the fund-raiser?”
“Of course the choir is doing the fund-raiser, silly. Why else do you think we need your help?” Nettie said as if Shar was good for nothing else.
“I thought we might be doing chicken dinners or a fish fry. I’ve helped Mother Barnett with those kind of fund-raisers at the church,” Shar said.
“The Mothers’ Board has always been willing to do fund-
raisers when we’ve needed them. But unfortunately, the most we’ve raised with one of our dinners has been forty dollars,” Landon told her.
“We’ve made more than that,” Shar declared. She wanted to do anything but get back in the choir and have everyone see that she couldn’t sing the way she used to. “We raised nearly seventy dollars with one of the fund-raisers I helped out with.”
Nettie had no patience for Shar. She rolled her eyes heavenward and then told her, “The food cost money, the plates cost money . . . forks and spoons aren’t free.”
Landon’s head whipped around to face Nettie. “What’s gotten into you? This is no way to talk to someone we need help from.”
Nettie’s head dropped low. “Sorry, Pastor.”
Landon turned back to Shar. “What Nettie was trying to say is that there is a cost associated with those kind of fund-raisers. And to be honest, they just don’t make the kind of money that we need right now.”
“How much money do you need, Pastor Landon,” Shar asked as if she could write him a check on the spot.
“In order to qualify all ten people, we need several thousands of dollars. That’s why we were hoping that if we spread the word that Shar Gracey would be singing at a United Worship Center fund-raiser, we’d be able to at least get a bit closer to what we need.” The look on Landon’s face was hopeful.
But Shar didn’t have much hope in her heart concerning her abilities. “Nobody’s gon’ pay good money to come hear me sing.”
Landon’s eyes lit up as he encouraged her, “Are you kidding, Shar? Word has been spreading around town about you. People who heard you sing in other towns have now moved right here in Chicago, and they always have good things to say about Shar Gracey’s singing.”
“And the people who’ve heard you sing at the nightclubs will most likely buy a ticket also,” Nettie added.
Shar’s eyes grew wide as she looked from Nettie to Landon. “You know about that?”
Landon nodded. “I’ve been praying for you.”
Oh God, he knows, he knows what I’ve done.
“We’re all praying for you, Shar. None of us ever imagined that you would lose your religion. But I guess being on that tour without your mama to guide you caused you to do all sorts of ungodly things.” Nettie was smirking as she cut Shar with each unkind word.
Landon gave Nettie the eye. “That’s enough. No one is accusing Shar of being ungodly.”
Shar popped out of her seat. “I got to go.”
“I’ll walk you home,” Landon told her. “But can we talk about the choir event first?”
Shaking her head as tears formed in her eyes, Shar told him, “I don’t need you to walk me home, and I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help with the fund-raiser.” She rushed out of the church before the tears rolled down her face. Because she now knew why Landon didn’t look at her the same anymore. He was too holy and righteous to ever want a woman who could turn her back on the gospel music she claimed to love to go sing blues and jazz songs. Shar was full of shame and guilt for what she’d done. She wanted to change, wanted to turn back to God, but it seemed like God just kept pushing her away.
When she arrived home, she sat on the porch trying to get herself together. Wiping the tears from her face, she lifted her face to the heavens and decided to have a little talk with Jesus, because she needed some answers. “When will Your punishments end? I never should’ve gone off on my own and done the things that I did. But why won’t You just let me repent and come back to You?” Wrapping her arms around herself, she then asked, “Will I ever feel or know the love You have for me ever again?”