28
Taking her normal path to church, Shar was weighed down with thoughts of obligations and deceit. She wanted so badly to help her parents, and she was tired of deceiving everyone around her. It was time for her to tell the truth and shame the devil.
When she reached the church, Nettie was seated at her desk looking at her with malice in her eyes. “So, my father spoke the truth I see.”
Ignoring her, Shar said, “Can I speak with Pastor Landon please?”
“You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know that you don’t really want to help the people in this community. You’re only here so that you can help your own family.” Nettie was almost snarling as she finished her statement.
“I’ll knock on the door to see if Pastor Landon has time for me,” Shar said as she stepped away from Nettie’s desk and headed toward Landon’s office. Nettie was always so hateful to her. Shar never understood why Nettie acted as if the devil himself had jumped into her body whenever she was around. Nettie’s parents had money and influence, and they could give her just about anything she wanted. Shar had nothing, so she saw no reason for Nettie to waste her time hating her.
Nettie jumped up from her seat and beat a path to Landon’s door. She stood in front of it, barring Shar from coming any closer. “I will tell Pastor Landon that you are here. Just because you’ve traveled with some fancy choir, that doesn’t give you the right to come in here and go against the office protocol that we have set in place.”
Not wanting to be out of order in God’s house, Shar stepped back and waited.
Nettie knocked on the door. When Landon invited her in, she opened his door, went in, and closed the door behind her. It took several minutes, but when Nettie finally opened the door, she told Shar, “Pastor Landon has a few minutes for you.”
Shar wanted to thank Nettie for doing her job, but she didn’t think anything charitable would come out of her mouth if she said something to her, so she walked past the woman.
Landon stood up and walked around his desk to greet Shar. “How are you doing, Shar? Is everything okay at home?”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about among other things, but if you’re busy, I can come back at another time,” she said since Nettie was still hugging the door and watching them like a hawk.
“Thank you, Nettie. Can you close the door behind you?” Landon directed Shar to the small sofa in his office. “Have a seat,” he told Shar as Nettie closed the door. Shar sat down, and then Landon asked, “Now, what’s troubling you?”
Shar gathered the courage she needed to tell Landon every bit of truth as she knew it. She took a deep breath and began. “I wasn’t actually telling the truth when I said I was too busy to help with the choir fund-raiser.”
Landon was silent, listening and giving her the time she needed to say all that was in her heart.
“Truth is, singing for God just don’t feel the same no more. After singing in them nightclubs I just don’t feel worthy.”
Landon shook his head to that. “God loves you, Shar. He hasn’t left you. He’ll always be there to lead you back home.”
“Tell that to my voice. One night after singing in a nightclub, someone hit me over the head and left me to drown in a puddle of rain. My voice hasn’t held the same anointing since. Like maybe God has decided He don’t want me in gospel choirs no more.”
The look on his face said it all. Landon was just as devastated as Shar by the news. “I’m so sorry that something like that happened to you.”
She came to tell it all, not just to receive sympathy and act like a victim that had done no wrong. “I can’t rightly say that the only reason the anointing left my voice is because of some bandit on the street. I didn’t do right by God while I was on the road, and now I’m paying for it by not being able to use my voice to glorify Him anymore.”
Landon put his hand in Shar’s as he said, “I don’t believe that. Not in a million years would I ever believe that a voice as angelic as yours would lose it’s anointing. I don’t believe that God would take your anointing to sing His praises like no one I’ve ever heard, simply because of a few youthful indiscretions.”
“But you don’t know everything I’ve done,” Shar blurted out.
“No, I don’t, but I’m right here if you want to tell me,” he said patiently.
Shar covered her face with her hands. “I’m just so ashamed of myself.”
Compassion filled Landon’s face as he watched Shar begin to fall apart before his very eyes. “You won’t find any condemnation in this office. The Bible tells us that all have sinned and come short of God’s glory. So, whatever happened, I guarantee you that it already happened to others before you. And God done already figured out a way to forgive the doing of it.”
When she dropped her hands, tears were streaming down her face. Landon wiped them away with the back of his hand. “You are so good to me,” Shar said as more tears came. “And I surely don’t deserve your kindness.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Shar.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m not hard enough on myself, or I would have never lied to you when you visited me at that church a while back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I was just so angry with you for never returning any of my letters. I had been going through so much while I was on the road, and crying out to you the whole while. But you stopped responding.” Landon handed her some tissue, and she blew her nose and continued. “Anyway, Nicoli wasn’t exactly telling the truth when he told you that we were engaged. I could have said something right then and there, but I was glad he’d said it because I wanted you to know that I wasn’t waiting idly by for a letter from you anymore.”
“Shar, I already told you that I sent you several letters. My heart was bleeding for your situation, but at the same time I was making progress on the housing project and couldn’t leave town to come see you when I wanted to.” Landon hesitated, appearing to be second-guessing himself. “I don’t know . . . maybe I made the wrong decision. But you must believe me, Shar, my delayed response was not because I didn’t care what was troubling you.”
“I know that you said you wrote letters, but I stopped receiving them. Anyway, that wasn’t what I came here to talk to you about.” Shar gathered all of her strength and began to tell Landon the story of her ruining. “Once I allowed Nicoli to tell that lie, it seemed like everything just began to go wrong. We did become engaged. But Nicoli was a drinker and a gambler. He kept getting into trouble, so Mr. Dorsey ended up firing him.
“Then he got in trouble with this nightclub owner that he owed a boat load of money to. They beat him up real bad, and then they said that they’d forgive his debt if I would agree to sing in that nightclub.”
“Oh, Shar, no.” Landon closed his eyes, clearly pained by what he was hearing. “A voice like yours comes along once, maybe twice in a generation. It’s a voice that has been cultivated for the praises of God.”
Nodding, Shar said, “I tried telling Nicoli that I wasn’t meant to sing any of that old secular music that he wanted me to sing in order to make more money.” She turned away from Landon, unable to watch his face as she told the rest. “Nicoli wouldn’t listen, so he got himself into a jam that I had to get him out of.”
Landon turned her back to face him. “It’s okay, Shar. You obviously made it out of there because you’re here with me now. And if you have asked for forgiveness for going astray, you just got to believe that God has forgiven you.”
Looking like a woman without a friend in the world, Shar said, “I’m terrified that if I get back in the choir and try to sing, everyone will know that the spirit of God has left me, just like that message you preached about God’s spirit leaving King Saul.” She hung her head low as she closed her mouth and waited for the condemnation that was sure to come. She might as well have gone to Paris and flaunted herself all around like Josephine Baker. At least she would have earned enough money to get her mother and father into a decent house . . . one they could afford and one that wouldn’t keep them sick.
“Shar, don’t you know that God is married to the backslider. He is always willing and ready to lift us back into his arms.”
“But I never wanted to be one of those singers who can sing gospel one minute and then turn around and sing the blues the next.”
“Then from this moment on, don’t be that kind of singer. If you truly believe that God has called you to sing gospel music, then it’s time to forgive yourself and move forward.” He stood up and paced the floor, searching for the exact words. When Landon turned back to her, he said, “Don’t you see, Shar? This fund-raiser is your chance to use your God-given gift to help colored people gain some dignity. Now if the Lord don’t place His anointing on that, then I just don’t know why He wouldn’t.”
Hesitantly, Shar asked, “And you still want me to sing in the choir, even after everything I just told you?”
He rushed back over to the sofa and took her hands in his. “Of course I want you back in the choir. I can’t wait for you to come back.”
Shar had been holding her breath, waiting for Landon’s answer. “I’m so glad you feel that way because Mr. Johnson said he’d stop the landlord from evicting us from our home if I changed my mind about singing for the fund-raiser. But I didn’t want to join back up with the choir without letting you know what happened to me.”
“Wait a minute, hold on.” Landon waved his hands in front of his chest. “Are you telling me that somebody threatened you concerning this fund-raiser?”
Shar shook her head. “Mr. Johnson didn’t threaten us. He came to the house with Mr. Cordey. When Mr. Johnson found out that we didn’t have the money to make the rent for this month, he offered to pay it for us as long as I agree to sing.”
Landon’s fist balled as anger overtook him. “I should have known not to trust that man when he offered to help us raise the money we need. Raymond Johnson doesn’t do anything unless it benefits him.”
She stood and put her hand on Landon’s shoulder. “Don’t be angry. If Mr. Johnson hadn’t offered to lend a helping hand I don’t know what we would have done when Mr. Cordey came knocking on our door.”
Landon didn’t say anything, but Shar could tell that he was still fuming. He stalked around the room several times and then turned back to her.
“I thought you came here to talk to me about the choir because you had changed your mind. But if you’re not ready to come back to the choir yet, if you still need a little more time to pray and seek the Lord, then you take all the time you need.”
“But I have to do this for my parents.”
“No, you don’t,” Lance said authoritatively. “I have a little money saved. I’ll pay your parents’ rent.”
Shar loved how protective Landon was of her at times. She wanted to put her hand on his cheek and reassure him that she would be okay. But things were different between her and Landon these days, and she was confused about what she should and shouldn’t be feeling, or what she could or couldn’t do around him. He was an anointed man of God, and she had lost her anointing. She didn’t deserve to be in the same room with this man, let alone presume to think of his offer of help as more than what it was. A pastor trying to lend a helping hand to one of his members.
She had no right to ask him for anything, but Landon loved helping others regain their dignity. Her mother and father deserved some dignity out of life. And if her singing could get them some of that, then she had finally found a reason for the voice God gave her.
“I truly want to sing, Landon. I’m just not so sure I’ll be able to pull it off, but if I do I want you to promise me something.”
“I’d do anything for you, Shar. Just tell me what you need.”
Landon was already upset over Mr. Johnson taking liberties. So, she didn’t want him to think poorly of her, but she had to speak up because if she didn’t, her parents might never get out of the God-forsaken neighborhood they lived in. “You told me that you had ten families that were eligible for homeownership. I’m wondering and I’m hoping . . . that you wouldn’t mind adding one more family to that list.”
“You know of another family that qualifies?” Landon asked.
Nodding, Shar said, “I sure do. My parents don’t have the money, but ain’t nobody more in need than them.” She lifted a hand. “Now, I’m not asking for them to take money that the other families need. But if there is enough left over after the fund-raiser, do you think it would be much trouble to add them to the list?”
She was holding her breath again. Hoping and praying that her parents would finally get the break, they need.
Landon pulled Shar into his arms and hugged her. “You don’t have to carry this burden alone, Shar. I promise you that I won’t forget about your parents. And if we earn enough money, we will be looking for a new house for Johnny and Marlene Gracey along with the rest of them.”