REDUCE Reactivity and Nurture Proactivity
Incessant reactivity breeds paranoia, conflict, and a volatile workplace. Proactivity is thoughtful, contemplative, and fruitful.
The more mindful you are, the less reactive you become. Mindfulness allows you to step outside of the drama you are engaging in and see it from a more objective point of view. Although I have touched on the benefits of cultivating mindfulness practices in your business, I will discuss them in greater detail in this chapter.
You have already seen demonstrations of mindfulness at work in the heart-based dialogues that I have shared. When you have cultivated mindfulness, it is easier to remain calm and proactive even in volatile situations. You become aware of subtle energy and how it maneuvers in your life and in the lives of others. You are able to watch the dynamics of conversations in a way that is impartial and neutral.
A Quiet Conversation with the Ego
Recently I was invited to speak on a panel on video production. Originally I was to be the sole speaker, but later I was asked to be a part of the panel. My ego sounded off her alarms. In the past, I would have acted from a place of reactivity. I would have taken a defensive stance in the situation. In my insecurity, I would have made sure that I spoke as much as possible, maintaining a one-up on the other panelists.
From the emotional work that I had done, I had learned that it is not wise to judge the ego, so during the session I simply watched her do her dance in quiet and fascinated observation. In those moments when I wanted to plow into the conversation and make myself heard, I sat back and calmed the ego, as I would a needy child: “It’s OK, ego. You don’t have to be seen. Trust. Sit back and enjoy the exchange. Speak when you are spoken to, and be present. Sit with the intention, ‘How may I serve?’ Make that your chief aim.”
I watched the ego growl in anxiety again. I would continually quiet it. In the past, it would have taken over, but with my new awareness, I was able to calm it and enjoy the experience.
Once I calmed the ego and became more present, I was able to contribute to the conversation in a more powerful way. Once I let the ego go, I felt more connected to the team. I melded into their energy which was highly palpable and very effective. Several attendees approached me afterwards and thanked me for my input. I do not believe I would have received the same response had I let my ego take over. It would have blocked a lot of good energy and would have broadcast an unappealing neediness. It would have turned audience members off.
Conflict over Contrast Profile
When you are able to harness your impulses toward creating conflict, you experience more harmony in your life. What was once undeniably conflictual becomes more neutral, and you are able to be less emotionally triggered and more level-headed. For each of the questions below, choose the number that most closely aligns with your current situation (1 being “not at all” and 10 being “a great deal”).
1. Do you find yourself having a black-and-white (right and wrong) response to most issues you face?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
2. Are you unable to resolve conflicts when they arise?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
3. Do you find it difficult to let go of past resentments?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
4. Would those who work with you describe you as argumentative?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
5. Are you considered rigid and authoritarian in your ways?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
6. Do you find it hard to agree to disagree when you reach an impasse with others?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
7. Are you emphatic about doing things by the book?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
8. Do your subordinates fear you and find you unapproachable?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
9. Do you struggle to see both sides of an argument?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
10. Do you struggle to step outside of conflicts and see them objectively?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
If you scored between 76 and 100, you struggle quite a bit with conflict. Honor yourself for having the honesty and insight to complete this profile with this new realization. First and foremost, you must be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you find yourself in conflict. Know that any external conflict reflects your internal world. Set a strong intention to become more mindful and follow the practices outlined, and you will find yourself in much calmer waters.
If you scored between 51 and 75, you have done some work to become more mindful, but you still have a great deal more to do. Know that you have already started paving your way towards a path of greater ease and less conflict. Commit to compassion and seek neutral ground. Follow the suggestions outlined and track your progress as you transform conflict into contrast in both your personal and business life.
If you scored between 26 and 50, you have accomplished a fair amount of resolution around conflict. Continue to forge ahead, using the tools in this book. Commit to cultivating the witness-self and try to stop before reacting to situations. Know that through discipline and commitment, the ease of living a more mindful life is possible.
If you scored between 10 and 25, congratulations! You are able to see beyond conflict and assess potentially volatile situations in a neutral and productive manner. Continue on the path you have carved for yourself and support your efforts by implementing the suggestions in this book. Honor yourself for your efforts to become more conscious and connected.
Now that you are more aware of yourself in regard to mindfulness, you are ready to take the next steps towards cultivating the witness. Doing so will open up a new world of greater ease, less effort and improved relationships at home and in business.
While this situation is not set in a work environment, I think it is a powerful example of a foundation that encourages honesty. A couple of months ago, my daughter, Bea, was driving behind me, following me in my car. When I came to a stoplight, I noticed in my rearview mirror that she wasn’t applying her brakes. I braced myself, ready to be hit. She smashed into my car.
The Ego’s Response
Had the two of us reacted from the fear-based ego, the conversation might have gone something like this:
Theresa (getting out of car to explore the damage): Bea, what the heck were you doing? I watched in my rearview mirror as you smashed into my bumper. Look at it. This is going to cost a fortune to fix! (She attacks and shames Bea and continues to block three lanes of traffic.)
Bea: I’m sorry. You didn’t give me enough notice. You forced your brakes at the last minute. (She responds with a counterattack.)
Theresa: I did not. You weren’t watching! I can’t believe you hit me!
The conversation would have continued in attack and counterattack. Ultimately it would have affected their relationship in a detrimental way.
Fortunately, we were both able to respond to the incident from our hearts. Here is how the conversation transpired:
Bea (as they both get out of their cars and examine the damage): Sorry, mom. I can’t believe I hit you!
Theresa: That’s OK, honey. Let’s head back home to avoid blocking traffic.
Bea (upon arrival): Mom, I don’t know what happened. There must be something wrong with my brakes. I tried to hit them, but they didn’t work. (She responds by defending her actions.)
Theresa (listening without malice or judgment): Why don’t you drive the car around the block to further test the brakes? (She shows that she hears Bea and wants to investigate further.)
Bea (returning after driving the car around the block): Now I remember. It wasn’t the brakes. It was my fault. I was being aggressive. I was concerned that another car was going to get in front of me, and I was driving faster than I should have. When it was time to hit the brakes, I couldn’t hit them fast enough. I was wrong, and I’m so sorry. (Because she was not attacked for her error, she owned up to it, and we all left the situation a little bit more conscious.)
Theresa: That’s OK, sweetie. I’m just glad you hit my car over someone else’s. And I’m so proud of you for being so honest, honey!
Bea: Well, you always taught me that that honesty and trust are really important, that if I was honest with you, I would never be punished.
Theresa: Awesome! (While I can list the myriad of mistakes I have made as a parent, in this case I felt a twinge of pride.)
The Witness-self’s Response
From the witness’s perspective, the incident would not have been perceived as an accident. It would have been seen as a situation that helped to raise the consciousness and the connection between the two individuals involved.
To take this scenario to the workplace, is your working environment open, honest, and forgiving, or hard, cold, and attacking? If the environment does not encourage openness and honesty, what might you do to encourage it? It can start with you. In whatever position you hold, you can commit to your own inner journey of transformation. As you continue to practice honesty, integrity, and the Good Morning Mind techniques, you will become less reactive and more proactive. Be patient with yourself. It won’t necessarily happen overnight, but know that with commitment and a strong intention, positive change is possible.
Build a Culture of Encouragement
When there is conflict in a work environment, staff are running on fight-or-flight mode. It kicks their adrenal system into high gear, and they eventually burn out. This atmosphere is also combative, insinuating that some are right while others are wrong. It is toxic and needs to be repaired.
One of the first steps towards reparation is building upon a foundation of honesty. When people feel safe enough to be honest, they will start sharing in a way that unites instead of divides.
Mindfulness Scan Meditation
Find a comfortable spot where you will not be disturbed. Ideally you should be in a seated position with your spine erect. Turn off your cell phone and any other potential distractions. Take a few deep breaths in. As you inhale, see your body filling with clean, fresh air. As you exhale, release any heaviness, anxieties, or frustrations. Now, on your next three inhalations, tighten up all of your muscles. Tighten them as much as you can. As you exhale, release the muscles. Then allow your attention to go to your breath. Watch it entering and exiting just below your nostrils for a couple of breaths.
Now, starting with the top of your head, start to scan your body. Just observe and feel into every part of it. Don’t try to make any changes. If, for example, you notice tension, just witness it, sit with it, and move on. Continue to scan your body, allowing yourself to be present with each body part. Observing and not judging. Simply be present.
Once you have scanned your body, do the “yes” process. See your heart filling with white light, and see that light radiate outward to every cell in your body. Then see that light radiate beyond your body to all of your colleagues, friends, and family members. See it igniting the hearts of everyone in the world.
To end the meditation, contemplate all that you are grateful for in your life. When you feel ready, open your eyes.
Encouraging introspection and proactivity will build a trusting and conscious work environment. Next time you react, see if you can catch yourself in the act. If you can, you might just call it out for what it is: “I’m sorry. I was reactive. I was triggered in that moment. Upon reflection, I see that …” When you commit to honesty and own your shortcomings, they will not remain as shortcomings. They will change from liabilities into possibilities.