EMBRACE Diversity in the Workplace
It takes all kinds of people to make this world a fascinating and magical place. Choose to celebrate yourself and everyone else who contributes to your business, big or small. Honor differences—in fact, celebrate them and do so fully and generously. Without contrast, you can get lost in the mundane and flat world of sameness.
Now more than ever, there is an awakening of the masses. We are reaching a tipping point, when prejudice is no longer tolerated by humankind. Although there is an opening towards greater acceptance of all, there is a counterculture that supports the closing of hearts and minds—an intolerance that is fighting against compassion, universal acceptance, and inclusivity. The more I have delved into my own inner integrity, the more my prejudices have revealed themselves to me. Many were surprising and even troubling.
I believe that ignorance and prejudice are most often learned behaviors. That being said, being brought up in a prejudiced and closed-minded environment does not give you carte blanche to remain there. Facing your prejudices squarely and directly takes great self-honesty and courage. Observing and shifting your own personal prejudices can be a catalyst towards courageous (and contagious) changes in the workplace.
While we are all aware of the need for diversity in culture, religion, and sexual orientation, we may be less educated about the importance of emotional diversity. As awareness of mental illness becomes more prevalent, it is imperative to educate ourselves on how to support those who are suffering from it. Very often learning starts within ourselves. We need to reflect on, process, and shift our own preconceived notions about mental illness before we can experience mass healing.
Emotional turmoil is a part of the human condition. Our lives are filled with emotional roller coasters that take us from fear to love and everywhere in between. Very often the thing that drives us to our knees is ultimately the catalyst toward deeper self-appreciation and self-acceptance. The more we understand that mental illness is, in fact, illness (like any physical condition), the more we can let go of labels and biases that reek of judgment and misunderstandings.
In this chapter, I will touch on a myriad of mental illnesses, specifically anxiety and personality disorders (PDs) that you might encounter among family members, friends, or in the workplace. Becoming informed about how to respond to these disorders in an open, compassionate, and heart-based manner will create a more conscious and supportive environment for all.
To start, take the following Emotional Self-awareness Profile. It will provide you with a mirror that will reflect your emotional awareness (or lack thereof) back at you. This will support you in breaking through your prejudices so you can live a life free of preconceptions and filled with deeper understanding and greater heart-based connection.
Emotional Self-awareness Profile
Complete this profile to better understand your own emotional state—what circumstances trigger you the most and how you respond to them. For each question below, choose the number that most closely aligns with your current state (1 being “not at all” and 10 being “a great deal”).
1. Are you extremely self-aware (aware of what you think and feel and why you do so)?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
2. Have you gone through therapy, retreats, or other vehicles that support your greater self-awareness?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
3. Do you feel compassionate towards others as they struggle with their own emotional challenges?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
4. Do others come to you for advice on emotional issues?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
5. Do you welcome feedback from others when you’ve gone off course?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
6. Would others consider you an expert at relationship building?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
7. Are you courageous in facing your inner demons?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
8. Are you able to witness the emotional pain of others without feeling compelled to rescue them?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
9. Are you committed to continuous self-exploration?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
10. Do you believe in your own intrinsic goodness?
1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10
If you scored between 76 and 100, congratulations! You are extremely self-aware and are comfortable in your own shoes. While you may struggle with anxiety or stress, you are open to discovering tools and techniques that can help you weather life’s occasional storms. Continue to explore yourself on your journey towards greater awareness and consciousness. You will know that you have come far when you note a challenge as it arises, recognize the root of that challenge without having to revisit its source, feel compassion towards yourself, and trust that you already have the knowledge and insight required to heal it (and if you don’t, you are willing to seek guidance from an expert).
If you scored between 51 and 75, you have already done a significant amount of work towards healing old wounds and becoming more self-aware. Continue your self-exploration, knowing that challenges will arise. Do not hesitate to seek professional guidance should you find yourself stuck in a cycle of dysfunctional feelings or behaviors. Have compassion for yourself and others, noting that if you could have done better at that time, you would have.
If you scored between 26 and 50, you have done some work on exploring your inner world, and it would be of great value for you to continue to do so. While many believe that reaching out to experts for assistance is a sign of weakness, the opposite is true. It takes great courage and wisdom to ask for help. Know that emotional struggles are part of the human condition, and do not judge yourself when you respond to situations in overreactive ways. Admitting your apparent errors is the first step towards healing them. Know that you can move beyond them. It takes courage, determination, and the commitment to do so. Above all else, strive to be as compassionate as you can with yourself.
If you scored between 10 and 25, honor yourself for being honest when doing this profile. While there is a great deal that you can learn about human dynamics and your own emotional healing, the fact that you are reading this book and responding to the questions with integrity is a sign that you are on the right track. Before taking any steps, be kind to yourself and see yourself as you would a struggling child. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, and begin to look at your perceived shortcomings with curiosity and a commitment to deeper understanding. It would be fruitful to seek guidance from an accredited therapist or self-empowerment program to gain greater clarity. They can provide you with tools and techniques to support you on your self-awareness journey.
Taboos against Mental Illness
In this section, I would like to share some suggestions on healing a toxic workplace by using heart-based interactions. I will focus on fifteen of the most prominent personality and anxiety disorders. I do not claim to be an expert on these disorders, and I am in no way trying to trivialize them or claim that there are simple, magical remedies to these complex conditions. However, from my own research and self-exploration, I hope I can offer perspectives that you may not have previously considered. Let the following pages serve as guidelines rather than definitive how-tos. If this segment awakens your curiosity, I encourage you to explore further and deeper.
Not too long ago, there was a real stigma associated with mental illness. Talk of mental disturbances of any kind was often hushed in the home and silenced in the workplace. When I graduated from university in 1985, I got a job at IBM. At that time, it was taboo to reveal that I was seeing a therapist. I told no one.
That being said, I was also an actress, and in the world of theater, therapy and self-exploration were the norm. In fact, they were expected and openly discussed among fellow actors. After all, how could you effectively portray a complex character when you are not privy to their emotional make-up—or to your own? As actors, we had to be able to access a myriad of emotional states if we wanted to portray our characters with unabashed expression and authenticity.
Thank Goddess for acting! I was compelled to investigate my own mental challenges from my late teens on, and that curiosity has been the catalyst to a much richer and more fulfilling life. Self-exploration has provided the foundation upon which I can assess the prejudices and belief systems that I have accumulated throughout my life. The more I have explored the world within me, the safer I have felt to explore the outer world. I traveled extensively throughout the world, very often curious and alone. I don’t believe that I would have had the courage to do so without addressing the emotional issues that could have made my inner world feel like an unsafe place.
Personality Disorders
Before we go any further, I want to clarify what a personality disorder is. Personality disorders are mental illnesses that are deeply ingrained and are characterized as maladaptive patterns of behavior of a specific kind. They typically manifest by adolescence and cause long-term difficulties in personal relationships and in social functioning. Without treatment, these conditions usually become inflexible and long-lasting. Personality disorder patterns are evident in at least two of these areas: (1) the way in which one thinks about oneself and others; (2) the way in which one responds emotionally to situations; (3) the way in which one relates to others; or (4) the way in which one controls one’s behaviors. We are going to focus on ten types of personality disorders: antisocial, avoidant, bipolar, borderline, dependent, histrionic, narcissistic, paranoid, passive-aggressive, and schizoid.
Anxieties
The National Institute of Mental Health defines anxiety disorders as “anxiety that does not go away and can worsen over time.” While occasional anxiety due to additional stressors is an expected part of life, when symptoms interfere with daily activities such as schoolwork, job performance and relationships, it becomes a disorder of concern. We are going to focus on five types of anxiety disorders: generalized, obsessive-compulsive, panic, posttraumatic stress, and social phobia.
The Effects of Personality and Anxiety Disorders in the Workplace
While it is the human condition to have idiosyncrasies and unusual behavior traits, a certifiable personality or anxiety disorder can adversely affect the workplace in the following ways. It can:
• Create intense and dramatic situations that can leave staff stressed and on edge.
• Create a feeling of ungrounded uneasiness in the work environment.
• Cost the company financially through litigation costs and financial compensation for both the victim and the perpetrator (often mentally ill perpetrators do not recognize their role in the dysfunction).
• Affect the quality and productivity of the workplace. Abuse of power can take many forms, from slowing production to sexual harassment.
• Create distrust among staff, as some mentally ill individuals may do things like taking credit for the work of others.
• Impede healthy relationships, creating challenges that can affect productivity as energy, time, and effort are being spent on avoiding workplace drama.
• Create a danger zone. In extreme cases, violent acts such as homicide, battery, rape, computer sabotage, and email harassment can occur in the workplace.
On the other hand, addressing anxieties and disorders in a healthy and informed way can deepen relationships and build a solid foundation at your workplace. They can be the vehicle by which staff members learn how to look within and increase their knowledge about volatile issues and how to effectively handle them. They can be catalysts towards deeper integrity, inclusivity, compassion, and understanding.
A word of caution: while we may be tempted to label someone as having a disorder because of our discomfort with them, we need to leave diagnoses and treatments to the professionals. Please keep in mind that being compassionate while keeping your heart and mind open is key to building healthier and more conscious relationships.
Always take care to distinguish compassion from emotional entanglement. Although you may care for individuals who are suffering, you should not attempt to heal them or internalize their suffering. In no way do you serve them by taking on their pain. The best thing you can do is to see them as whole and contributing coworkers. We all have our emotional challenges, and we all deserve respect and the opportunity to be our best selves.
Anxieties and Personality Disorders
Let’s go through the anxiety and personality disorders to see how we can recognize and respond to them in a healthy and proactive manner. These are the conditions that you are most likely to encounter at the workplace. I will provide you with a brief definition of each one, and I will cite characters in films or television shows who have the condition.
While these examples may be of assistance, it is important to be aware that the media often portray elevated or intensified examples of a condition for the sake of engaging the audience. Not all sociopaths are Hannibal Lecter (portrayed by Anthony Hopkins) in Silence of the Lambs, and not all individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder match the extreme behavior of Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) in Fatal Attraction. There are varying degrees of disorder. Some may permit high functioning, while others may be extremely debilitating.
The following table lists the fifteen disorders in alphabetical order. Along with each listing, it will give a short description of each condition and movie, television, or theater references that model the condition. It will then provide you with insights on how that condition might be experienced within the three work relationships: with coworkers, subordinates, and superiors. It also suggests ways of dealing with these individuals.
While I have based this segment on a variety of research sources, I have gleaned a great deal of information on personality disorders from the 2000 book Toxic Workers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD, and Neil J. Lavender, PhD. As its title suggests, this valuable resource delves into how to deal with toxicity in the workplace. If you want to learn more, I encourage you to purchase this wonderful book.
Anxiety and Personality Disorders
Interacting with the Three Types of Work Relationships
Antisocial
Persistent antisocial, irresponsible, or criminal behavior, often impulsive or aggressive, without regard for any harm or distress caused to others. Rarely displays remorse and has an inability to maintain long-term social and personal relationships. Cannot always be trusted and are the most at risk for contributing to workplace violence. Movie examples include the Joker in The Dark Night, Mr. Spock in the original Star Trek series, Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange, Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas, Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs, and Nicky Santoro in Casino.
Antisocial Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Makes coworkers feel responsible for them.
• Takes advantage, especially of the codependent.
• Can be cunningly two-faced in presenting a façade to management.
• Can be ruthlessly manipulative; incapable of emotional intimacy.
• Can con you into doing their work.
• Rejects authority and discipline.
STRATEGIES
• Set strong and healthy boundaries; protect your property.
• Avoid explosive situations and don’t take them personally.
• Document issues; ask for help.
Antisocial Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can lay claim to others’ work without any sense of guilt.
• Can be extremely manipulative and persuasive about their innocence even when guilty.
• Can entangle you in a web of dishonesty and manipulation.
• May appear good at their work, but may show inconsistencies.
• Can cunningly create divisions among staff.
• Trust your intuition and gut responses to these individuals.
• Keep someone else in the workplace informed, and check in with them to maintain clarity and objectivity.
• Keep thorough documentation of all interactions.
Antisocial Superior
CHARACTERISTICS
• Dangerously charismatic.
• Can brainwash employees into believing that that they are the problem.
• Subordinates can lose self-esteem as a result of emotional manipulation.
• Can erode subordinates’ self-confidence with emotionally abusive tricks.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid power struggles, and set limits from which you do not sway.
• Beware of their social skills and apparent warmth in gestures.
• When possible, provide written communication and allow them time to articulate their response.
• Keep updated work logs and records of communications.
• Build your own inner strength and your sense of self-worth to avoid being triggered.
Anxiety in social situations and personal relationships, with feelings of inadequacy and extreme sensitivity to rejection or criticism. Movie examples: Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell) in A Clockwork Orange, William Forester (Sean Connery) in Finding Forester, Laura Wingfield (Jane Wyman) in The Glass Menagerie.
Avoidant Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Often self-conscious.
• Shies away from activities that require interaction with others.
• May be invisible to you, or may heavily lean on you for support if you have befriended them.
• May try to get you to do their difficult work that deals with confronting others.
STRATEGIES
• Encourage them about their own abilities.
• Support healthy interaction among coworkers.
• Allow them the space to stand up for themselves and avoid doing so for them.
Avoidant Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Fearful of being negatively evaluated.
• Sees criticism as a personal affront reflecting on their intrinsic value as a person.
• Quiet, unassuming; can be disturbed if introduced to change.
STRATEGIES
• Encourage them with the knowledge that you value them and what they offer.
• Provide them with tasks that gradually expose them to greater challenges.
Avoidant Superior CHARACTERISTICS
• Rarely in a management position, because they avoid interaction.
• Has difficulty leading and guiding others; noncommittal.
• Tit-for-tat attitude: if you hurt them, they will hurt you back.
STRATEGIES
• Request clarity on expectations and specific deadlines.
• Encourage them in their role. This can help them to better manage you.
• Refrain from revengeful interplay and competitive positioning.
Formerly known as manic-depressive. Alternating periods of elation and depression. Difficulty in the workplace due to changing and unpredictable mood swings. Movie and television examples: Pat (Bradley Cooper) in Silver Lining Playbook, Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes) in Homeland, Ian Gallagher (Cameron Monaghan) in Shameless.
SEVEN SIGNS OF MANIA
Mania can cause other symptoms as well, but seven of the key signs of this phase of bipolar disorder are:
1. Feeling overly happy or high for long periods of time
2. A decreased need for sleep
3. Talking very fast, often with racing thoughts
4. Feeling extremely restless or impulsive
5. Becoming easily distracted
6. Overconfidence in one’s abilities
7. Engaging in risky behavior, such as having impulsive sex, gambling with life savings, or going on big spending sprees
SEVEN SIGNS OF DEPRESSION
Like mania, depression can cause other symptoms as well, but here are seven of the key signs as manifested in bipolar disorder:
1. Feeling sad or hopeless for long periods of time
2. Withdrawing from friends and family
3. Losing interest in activities that you once enjoyed
4. Having a significant change in appetite
5. Severe fatigue or lack of energy
6. Problems with memory, concentration, and decision making
7. Thinking about or attempting suicide, or having a preoccupation with death
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be extremely unpredictable in their behavior.
• Can pull you into caring for them, hindering your work.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid losing yourself in caring for them.
• Avoid becoming engaged in roller coaster of emotions.
• Be compassionate, but separate yourself from their disabilities.
Bipolar Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be affected by the stigma attached to bipolarism.
• Can be inconsistent in performance due to side effects of mood swings.
• Performance can be affected by lethargy or inability to concentrate.
• Can be overconfident of abilities.
STRATEGIES
• Be sure to tackle the stigma.
• Encourage results, but be willing to be flexible with hours and other details.
• Ensure that you have policies and procedures that provide the best possible work environment for all, encouraging life-work balance.
• Offer training or coaching in time management and mental health support.
Bipolar Superior
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be explosive.
• Can be inconsistent in their management style because of mood swings.
• Can be extreme and inconsistent in responses depending upon mood.
• If you are targeted, don’t take it personally.
• Focus on the content of what they are saying rather than on their tone.
• Seek out the underlying causes of outbursts so you can remedy them before they escalate.
• Be strategic in creating positive support and building team sensibility.
• Note if you feel overtly bullied, and report their behavior if they have gone too far.
Severe mood swings, impulsive behavior, and difficulty in forming stable personal relationships, often related to an intense fear of abandonment or instability. Can result in inappropriate anger, impulsiveness, and frequent mood swings. Can also be egocentric. Movie examples: Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) in Fatal Attraction and Susanna Kaysen (Winona Ryder) in Girl Interrupted.
Borderline Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can get under your skin; unstable in personal relationships.
• Can have explosive tempers.
• May go from idolization to hatred of others, from putting others on a pedestal to contempt.
• Irrational fear of abandonment.
• Unclear about who they are or what they want in their lives.
• Exhibits excessive behaviors such as overspending or sexual hyperactivity.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid being pulled into their dramas.
• Avoid rescuing; reflect on your intentions in wanting to do so.
• Avoid engaging in gossip with or about them.
Borderline Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Unable to work cooperatively with others.
• Ultrasensitive to criticism; paranoid and overreactive.
• Tends to be moody and angry.
STRATEGIES
• Maintain concise and updated records.
• Support projects that require working independently.
• Avoid explosive episodes through calm and concise communication.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Often lures staff into becoming too emotionally involved with them.
• Can idolize you, then turn against you.
• Destructive to your physical and emotional health.
• Displays extreme mood swings and creates drama.
• Personalizes situations, making work environment tense.
STRATEGIES
• Don’t take the bait.
• Keep a distance, and stay out of personal involvements.
• Keep concise records and base exchanges on facts over emotions.
Excessive emotional and practical reliance on other people; inability to make decisions without support; passive or submissive behavior. Movie and television examples: Anney (Jennifer Jason Leigh) in Bastard out of Carolina, Bekir (Vildan Atasever) in Destiny, Little Edie (Drew Barrymore) in Grey Gardens.
People who suffer from dependent personality disorder can be highly loyal and supportive friends, but they can also have a strong reliance upon others. According to the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, dependent personality disorder displays eight features:
1. Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.
2. Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life.
3. Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.
4. Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own. This is due to a lack of self-confidence in their own judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy.
5. Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant.
6. Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves.
7. Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends.
8. Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themselves.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be clingy, accommodating, submissive, and indecisive.
• May be hypercompetent, yet may appear insecure and inept.
• Can be highly supportive and loyal.
• May exhibit a distance-pursuit pattern with closer relationships.
STRATEGIES
• Encourage them by providing positive feedback.
• Do not do difficult tasks on their behalf.
• Model your empowered self, and give them space to express feelings and speak their mind.
Dependent Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Needs appreciation, acceptance, and security.
• Can be hesitant and reluctant about new or unfamiliar projects.
STRATEGIES
• May need gradual training to enforce their security as they grow into their new tasks and responsibilities.
• Provide positive feedback, and use encouraging rhetoric when sharing criticisms.
• Give them space and encourage independence, but let them know that you are available if needed.
Dependent Superior
CHARACTERISTICS
• Unambitious, so if in a management position, probably achieved that level by working hard to please superiors.
• Seeks to build harmony and cooperation among staff.
• Can take things personally.
• Appreciates team effort; listens to ideas but may be slow to act upon them.
• Highly supportive but non-confrontational.
• Encouraging, but when push comes to shove, may not go to bat on your behalf.
STRATEGIES
• Reassure them of your support.
• Build their trust in you and your abilities.
• Avoid using a confrontational tone when dealing with issues.
Excessive or unrealistic anxiety about two or more aspects of life (such as work, social relationships, or financial matters). Causes and risk factors include: a family history of anxiety; recent or prolonged exposure to stressful situations, including personal or family illnesses; childhood abuse; or excessive use of caffeine or tobacco (which can worsen existing anxiety). Symptoms can include palpitations, shortness of breath, or dizziness. Can suffer from constant worry, restlessness, and trouble with concentration. Television examples: Randall (Sterling K. Brown) in This Is Us and Jean-François Gariépy (playing himself) in The Twisted Mind of Jean- François Gariépy.
Anxious Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• May find it difficult to concentrate; may pull you away from your work to focus on their issues.
• May display stress-related physical issues; may ask you to help carry their workload.
• Can take additional sick days and be absent, interfering with productivity.
STRATEGIES
• Maintain healthy boundaries; avoid trying to solve their problems.
• Avoid telling them not to worry. This adds to anxiety,
• Be patient.
Anxious Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can lack focus and be less productive.
• Can be perfectionistic and extremely self-critical.
• Can have a lot of what-if fears about potential future situations.
• Build a wellness plan for them.
• Let them know that you are supportive; create a safe place for them to ask for help.
• Give them space and remain calm when attacks occur.
• Encourage one-on-one conversations instead of gossip and talking about other people.
• Use neutral or positive language and avoid validating negative statements.
Anxious Superior
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be explosive and reactive if overwhelmed.
• Can push staff beyond healthy limits with workloads.
STRATEGIES
• Focus on what you appreciate about them; let them know you respect them.
• Avoid making assumptions. Ask open-ended questions to better understand their thoughts, needs and concerns.
• Give them space when having difficulty concentrating.
• Find ways that you can support them if they have extreme workload.
• Keep them informed about your work. The more in the know they feel, the less anxiety they will experience.
• Avoid labeling and stigmas.
Excessive attention seeking, emotional overreaction, inappropriately seductive behavior, overdramatization, and excessive need for approval. Movie examples: Regina George (Rachel McAdams) in Mean Girls and Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron) in Young Adult.
Histrionic Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be fun and entertaining, but also energetically draining.
• Can seduce you into engaging in their dramas, or in covering for them as they deal with their dramas.
• Can easily seduce coworker of the opposite sex into covering for them.
• Dramas and storytelling can pull you from your work if you let it.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid confrontations with them; maintain healthy boundaries.
• Make note of your energy and step away when needed.
• Avoid getting pulled into their web of drama and gossip.
Histrionic Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be entertaining, but are rarely organized or focused enough to complete quality work.
• Can drain others with their personal dramas.
• Not always the best workers, because they are often more focused on their internal world over work goals.
STRATEGIES
• Maintain healthy boundaries.
• Be specific about goals and check in on progress on a regular basis.
• Keep conversations professional and do not engage in office drama.
• Provide training on time management and organizational best practices.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Emotionally volatile, overreactive, extreme mood swings.
• Good at selling themselves; may take credit for your efforts.
• May not focus on either your errors or your efforts; may get lost in their own dramas.
• Charismatic.
• Disorganized.
• Unreliable.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid being pulled into their dramas.
• Ask for clear goals and deadlines; check in to ensure organization.
• Keep detailed records of your work accomplishments and completion dates.
Exaggerated sense of self-importance; need for admiration; lack of empathy for other people. Movie examples: Jasmine (Cate Blanchett) in Blue Jasmine, Colonel Nathan Jessup (Jack Nicholson) in A Few Good Men, Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton) in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Narcissistic Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Disrespectful and misusing of property.
• Insensitive to others’ needs; self-involved.
• Focused on looking good and unwilling to step up; expects you to do so.
• Believes rules don’t apply to them.
• Self-directed rather than team- or business-directed.
• Looking good is a priority.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid confrontations or competition.
• Work independently of them when possible.
• If you need to work together, clearly define roles and responsibilities and keep management informed of your efforts and progress.
Narcissistic Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Disobedient; ignores rules, believing they don’t apply to them.
• Can be two-faced (arrogant with you, then repentant with your superior).
• Little to no sense of loyalty.
• Can be hard-working, but with the intent to get to the top in whatever way they can.
STRATEGIES
• When possible, have other management present as witnesses.
• Keep detailed records of conversations and work progress.
• Don’t take self-involvement and lack of empathy personally.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Inaccessible.
• Caustic.
• Need for power.
• Believe rules don’t apply to them.
• Driven by their own needs over yours.
• High expectations, with little recognition.
• Can take credit for your good ideas.
• Not thoughtful.
• Uses power inappropriately (such as harassment).
STRATEGIES
• Avoid power struggles. Have witnesses at key meetings.
• Avoid engaging in volatile exchanges.
• Keep others in management team aware of your efforts and progress.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Excessive orderliness, perfectionism, attention to details, and a need for control in relating to others. Examples from movies and television: Hannah (Lena Dunham) in Girls, Alex (Dev Patel) in The Road Within; Adrian Monk (Tony Shalboub) in Monk; Marina (Marina Vasileva) in Beware of Dog; Bob Wiley (Bill Murray) in What about Bob; Howard Hughes (Leonardo DiCaprio) in The Aviator.
Obsessive-Compulsive Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be excellent in a position like quality control.
• Compulsivity may try the patience of others.
• May require additional time to complete tasks.
STRATEGIES
• Maintain positive communication; encourage and support.
• Emphasize teamwork; be optimistic and set clear goals.
• Try not to take criticisms personally.
• Hold to your own objectives; be careful not to be swayed by theirs.
Obsessive-Compulsive Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be extremely committed.
• Can be excellent in a position like quality control.
STRATEGIES
• Be careful they don’t get lost or behind because of details; keep them moving forward.
• Be specific, encouraging, and direct when providing guidance.
• Allow flexible hours and frequent short breaks.
• Keep lines of communication open, positive, and supportive.
• Can be overfunctioning, so be sure to set realistic goals and ensure they adhere to them.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be tough and not always emotionally supportive.
• Can be extremely controlling; tend to micromanage because of their anxiety.
• Can be highly efficient, with excellent work ethic.
STRATEGIES
• Set healthy boundaries; set aside private time, and make your limits clear.
• Seek support from human resources department if you are being overscheduled, overcriticized, or passed over for opportunities.
• Be clear and succinct in communication; avoid seeking praise.
Recurring unexpected panic attacks—sudden periods of intense fear that may include palpitations, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, numbness, or a feeling that something terrible is going to happen. Movie examples: Jasmine (Cate Blanchette) in Blue Jasmine; Patrick (Lucas Hedges) in Manchester by the Sea; Kayla (Elsie Fisher) in Eighth Grade.
Coworker with Panic Disorder
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can experience panic when stressed or triggered.
• Can be loyal, committed, and hard-working.
STRATEGIES
• May need reassurance and security to perform their best.
• Inform them that you support them and that they are safe.
• Remain calm when they have attack; give them their space.
Subordinate with Panic Disorder
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be nervous and easily overwhelmed.
• Needs to feel understood and supported by you.
• Can panic under stress.
• Can be very loyal, especially when feeling appreciated, safe, and understood.
STRATEGIES
• Treat them with sensitivity, encouragement, and a gentle hand.
• Avoid exposing them to long work hours, excessive workloads, unreasonable targets, or prolonged pressure.
• Keep other staff knowledgeable about panic attacks and how to best support coworkers when attacks arise.
• Create wellness action plans to support awareness of their needs.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be volatile, stressed, and easily triggered.
• May need to be encouraged that you are loyal and have their back.
• Can be highly functional when feeling secure and supported.
• Generally sensitive to workers’ needs, but can be preoccupied with their own uneasiness.
STRATEGIES
• Engage in constructive and supportive conversations; offer to bring herbal tea, water, or another soothing, noncaffeinated drink.
• Stay calm and resist responding when they are agitated.
• Ask if you can take messages or respond to emails to support them when they need uninterrupted time.
Exaggerated distrust and suspicion of other people. Movie examples: John Nash (Russell Crowe) in A Beautiful Mind; various characters in Paranoid.
Paranoid Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be highly competitive and suspicious of your intentions and actions.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid confrontations or debates: they can lead to stress and additional paranoid behavior.
• Be careful about criticizing them; encourage and cooperate.
Paranoid Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be difficult to manage, especially when discussing the quality of their work.
• Tends to be risk-averse.
STRATEGIES
• Be clear, concise, and positive in your feedback.
• When critiquing, be gentle. Emphasize their positive traits and underplay the negative ones.
• You may need to treat them with kid gloves; misunderstandings can be exaggerated and misinterpreted.
Paranoid Superior
CHARACTERISTICS
• Hypervigilant about staff loyalty; very aware and suspicious of competing businesses.
• Distrusting of staff; needs to feel in control.
• Can micromanage, distrusting others to adequately perform tasks.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid challenging or questioning them.
• Avoid taking risks or trying new things without their prior approval.
• Keep them well informed about your progress.
• Do not take micromanaging or defensive behaviors personally.
Indirectly expressing negative feelings, instead of openly addressing them. Shift blame and can avoid picking up their share of the workload. Movie examples: Emma Allan (Anne Hathaway) and Liv Lerner (Kate Hudson) in Bride Wars, Jane Nichols (Katherine Heigl) in 27 Dresses, Brooke Meyers (Jennifer Aniston) and Gary Grobowski (Vince Vaughn) in The Break-up, the Captain (James Cagney) in Mister Roberts, Mrs. Laura Cheveley (Julianne Moore) in An Ideal Husband, and Jack Byrnes (Robert de Niro) in Meet the Parents.
Passive-Aggressive Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• Complains about being victimized and treated unfairly by others.
• Tends to procrastinate and miss deadlines.
• Takes the path of least resistance in regard to effort, commitment to doing quality work, and promptness.
• If partnered with you, can ignore your communications and efforts and in the end lay claim to your efforts.
STRATEGIES
• Try to understand motivation (often fear).
• Avoid overreacting or lashing out.
• Be honest; practice radical candor (being honest while kind).
• Avoid future issues by building a relationship in which they trust.
Passive-Aggressive Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be tardy, late in completing work, and full of excuses when they do not pull their weight.
• Tends to point their finger at you or coworkers when things go wrong or when they are criticized.
STRATEGIES
• May need incentives and bargaining to meet deadlines: “If you complete X by Y, I will give you Z.”
• Angry responses only fuel passive-aggressive behaviors. Stay calm, and keep concise documents to support your efforts and their lack thereof.
• Calmly discuss the core issue and avoid giving credence to the toxicity.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Rarely aspires to managerial positions. They are not driven to succeed—in fact, quite the opposite.
• Intentionally unreliable. For example, they may lose an important document you created and left on their desk to review.
• Often late for meetings, miss deadlines, or fail to complete paperwork in a timely manner.
• May claim to review your requests and then never do so.
• Often sabotages the efforts of others in subtle but effective ways.
STRATEGIES
• Avoid replicating their passive-aggressive behavior.
• Avoid publicly calling them out. Make the relationship feel safe.
• Keep detailed records of your work efforts and progress.
• Avoid personality issues, and focus on your performance.
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
A psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war or combat, rape, or other violent personal assault. Movie and television examples: Jessica Jones (Krysten Ritter) in Jessica Jones, Edgar (Desmin Borges) in You’re the Worst, Charlie (Logan Lerman) in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) in American Sniper, Ron Kovic (Tom Cruise) in Fourth of July.
Coworker with PTSD
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be triggered by stress or other situations that cause anxiety.
• Can behave inconsistently—at times highly reliable and committed, at other times unable to function because of anxieties.
• Can be empathetic and sensitive to colleagues’ needs.
STRATEGIES
• Indicate potentially jarring actions beforehand (for example, tell them when you are going to open the door and avoid tapping them on the shoulder from behind).
• Give them space and allow them to make decisions at their pace.
• Avoid trivializing; this is a valid medical condition.
Subordinate with PTSD
CHARACTERISTICS
• May need to be treated with gentle sensitivity; needs to feel secure and supported.
• Can require space and emotional support for relief when triggered.
• Can be very loyal, especially when you are sensitive to their needs.
• May need reassurance that they are doing good work and that they are not judged for their PTSD.
• Train all staff about warning signs.
• Create work duty checklists, memory aids, or timers.
• Create workplace wellness program encouraging exercise and stress reduction techniques and practices.
• Allow for flexible schedule and scheduled rest breaks.
Superior with PTSD
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be highly functional when not triggered.
• Can have outbursts of panic when faced with extreme stress.
• Can be highly sensitive and supportive to workers’ needs.
• Can struggle with feelings of being out of control.
STRATEGIES
• Support them in feeling safe and supported; will be very supportive in turn.
• Keep them informed and abreast of your progress.
• Be cognizant of triggers and avoid creating unnecessary stress.
• Allow idiosyncrasies and show compassion, respect, and support.
Lack of interest in social or intimate relationships; difficulty with expressing emotions; prefer a solitary or sheltered lifestyle. Movie examples: John Nash (Russell Crowe) in A Beautiful Mind, Travis Black (Robert DeNiro) in Taxi, Gollum (Andy Serkis) in The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.
Schizoid Coworker
CHARACTERISTICS
• May have little self-awareness.
• May have difficulty communicating.
• Can be socially inept; unable to understand rules of social etiquette and emotionally disconnected; distant.
• Solitary; does not enjoy relationships; shows little interest in pleasure.
• Can be emotionally cold and detached; indifferent to praise or criticism.
STRATEGIES
• Give them space; do not feel socially obligated to include them.
• Use technology as an unobtrusive way to connect.
Schizoid Subordinate
CHARACTERISTICS
• Has difficulty describing others; uses short, nondescript responses.
• Self-sufficient; often has technical rather than relational prowess.
• Can be very independent but not highly ambitious.
STRATEGIES
• Ask open-ended questions as opposed to “yes” or “no.”
• Can prefer to work alone; if so, do not force social interactions.
CHARACTERISTICS
• Provides staff with little or no direction.
• Insensitive to staff’s emotional or personal needs.
• Can display angry outbursts or indirect aggression toward staff.
• Often remedies issues in punitive ways, unaware of effect on employees.
STRATEGIES
• Emphasize logic rather than using emotional words in communicating.
• It may be helpful to share ideas among subordinates to solve problems and air grievances.
Intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation. Examples from movies and the stage: Evan Hansen (Ben Platt) in Dear Evan Hansen, Natalie (Lori Smith) in Meltdown.
Coworker with Social Phobia
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be highly sensitive and suspicious of how others might judge them.
• Can be withdrawn and awkward in social situations.
• Most likely prefers to work alone and avoids interacting with others.
• Can become fearful of being undermined.
STRATEGIES
• Be a collaborative champion. Use encouragement and support.
• Avoid enabling, and gently support them in facing fears.
Subordinate with Social Phobia
CHARACTERISTICS
• Can be defensive when given feedback on work performance.
• Withdraws from social activity; does not like working in a team.
• Tends to be passive and works independently.
STRATEGIES
• Set realistic goals and support them in overcoming obstacles.
• Be clear in communication, provide questions in advance of meetings.
• Support them in managing perfectionism; provide ongoing encouragement.
Superior with Social Phobia
CHARACTERISTICS
• Tends to provide staff with very little direction.
• Can be highly indecisive for fear of being wrong.
• Can avoid being direct and specific in instructions for fear of being judged.
• May create tension for staff for fear of being judged as inadequate by superiors.
• Provide concise and clear communications of your intentions and efforts.
• Be direct in communication and avoid gossip and triangles.
• Be honest and up-front, especially around expectations and deadlines.
Tips for Responding to Others with Anxiety or PDs
Here are signs of ego responses to anxiety or personality disorders, along with some tips that can support greater functionality and more intimate connections with colleagues are challenged with them.
THE EGO’S RESPONSE
• You immediately label them and judge them as less than you because of their disorder. Labels are limiting and can be fear-based ways of trying to compartmentalize what we don’t fully understand. We are much more than our illnesses, and life can be much more complex than we realize. Often we label as a means of maintaining control when we feel powerless. Know this, and try to be present rather than disconnected and diagnostic.
• You mock them and gossip about them as a means of pseudoconnection with fellow coworkers. While some of the dramas may be amusing, connecting with others at the expense of someone who is suffering is negative in every way. It erodes both the sense of community and connection in the business and your own self-respect.
• You use their disability for your own gains. For example, you might undermine their efforts and encourage your manager to give you a high-profile project because you are “better qualified.” Such deceptive behavior will eventually catch up with you.
• You may triangle (get a third party involved in your disputes). This is tempting when you are building a case (especially when you are feeling doubtful about yourself), but pulling others into the situation creates more of a mess to clean up later. Please note, however, that if you are being emotionally abused, it is important that you take care of your needs and inform management or human resources of the situation.
• You may project your own issues and prejudices on them. You might do this by perceiving them as weak or lacking courage because they have the illness, or suggesting that they could cure it if only they had the willpower and stamina to do so.
• You may rush to heal others, becoming their sounding board and advice giver. You tell yourself that we are kind and thoughtful, that you just want to be there for them. In fact, very often you become a caregiver for others as a means of avoiding your own fears and anxieties.
• You may alienate them, increasing their sense of uneasiness at the workplace. In this case you are the problem in the workplace, not them!
THE HEART’S RESPONSE
• See the individual in light of the complete soul that they are. Viewing them as wounded does not serve either you or them. It keeps them limited and doesn’t allow them the space to grow.
• Hold them accountable to the rules and regulations outlined for all staff, respecting them as capable, functioning contributors. At the same time, be flexible and willing to support them in ways that honor their challenges, while motivating, encouraging, and uplifting them.
• Cultivate compassion and acceptance. The more you can feel loving kindness towards them, the more they feel it, and the more you will experience deeper love and respect towards yourself.
• Maintain healthy boundaries. While remaining compassionate and kind, do not take on their energy (or anyone else’s for that matter). If you are an empath, you often absorb the energy of those around you without realizing it. At the end of the day you are exhausted. Your exhaustion can come from taking on the troubles of those around you. Set a strong intention to be compassionate and kind without losing energy.
• Avoid trying to give advice. Know that seeing the other as able to deal with their problems gives them the space to do just that. When you try to “fix” others, you disempower them.
• When you note that they are being triggered (or if you find yourself being triggered), do the “yes” process. See your heart filling with loving, white light and expanding outward to fill your entire body. Then see it expanding to fill their hearts and the hearts of all others in the office. You don’t have to wait until triggers occur. Doing this practice every day will set the tone for higher consciousness to permeate your work environment.
THE WITNESS-SELF’S RESPONSE
In his YouTube video What Is the Purpose of Mental Illness? Eckhart Tolle states that we think we are autonomous, but we are not. We are one consciousness, and the flowering of our consciousness as humankind evolves through the obstacles. He says:
What we see as somebody’s personal identity is not who they are. They are an expression of the One, which is constantly finding new channels through which to express itself in this world. So, if this channel is blocked, we see it as a person who is suffering—that’s also true on one level. Of course, you help in whatever way you can. That personal sense of self is ultimately an illusion because who you are is ultimately timeless, beyond the illusion. If I had not encountered all these seeming blockages in my life, I would not be here now…. the obstacles to the arising of consciousness are ultimately part of the arising consciousness, and there is only one life…. You are an expression of the One and everybody is…. All of the blockages and all the suffering actually were part of the awakening without which it would not have happened. Collectively the suffering of humanity is also a necessary part of the awakening.
From an enlightened perspective, we are not individuals but a part of the whole, the One. From blockages comes the flowering of our consciousness. Although it is difficult and painful, it is from this place that our consciousness is raised.
While I can only speak for myself, I know that my path towards self-discovery started with road rage. When I noted deep anger and pain, I sought help. Had I not experienced the pain, I never would have sought solace, resolve, or deeper understanding. After several years of therapy, I noted that by cutting off the pain in my life, I was also cutting off the joy. When I found safe ways to explore my issues and feel into the pain, I also discovered the joy that I had shut down when I repressed the pain.
When a Person Does Not See Their Illness
It can be difficult to be in the presence of someone who is unaware of their mental illness or of the part they play in creating a toxic work environment. Having been in such situations, I can assure you that attempting to convince them of their role in the unhealthy environment is futile. I have journeyed down that road, and it only led to frustration, criticism, and anxiety within me. I wasted my time and energy, and I may have even pulled the person further away from self-disclosure through my sheer will to force them into owning their part. I am sure you have heard the saying, “What you think about me is none of my business.” In this case, what you think about them is none of your business. In other words, it is not your place to convince another of their strengths or weaknesses, health or maladies.
There is a saying in A Course in Miracles that is one of the most powerful I have ever heard: “There are only two choices in life—fear or love.” As you try to convince another of the part they play in any wrong-doing, you might ask yourself, “Do I want to be right (in fear), or do I want to choose love?” If you choose love, you will focus on your own personal growth, and love the other where they are. This doesn’t mean that you should allow them to bully, manipulate, or abuse you in any way. But it does mean that you are not put on this earth to be the judge and jury of others. The more you judge others, the more you become aware of your own inner judge. The more you criticize outside of yourself, the more you are unwilling to look within.
When You May Not See Your Own Mental Illness
During a meditation, I saw Jesus standing in front of a mentally ill individual, saying, “I see you, and I love you.” As I watched, the armor of the man’s mental illness began to fall from his weighted body. Once fully removed, he became an open-hearted and healthy little boy.
We all want to be seen and understood, but what if we can’t see ourselves? What if our walls of protection are so thick that we ourselves cannot infiltrate them?
Sometimes it is difficult to see the part that we play in a toxic environment, especially when we are in the midst of the drama. We may need months or even years of separation from the situation before clarity sets in. Setting a strong intention for clarity with the commitment to be fully honest with ourselves about the part we played (or didn’t play) in the drama invites courage, clarity, and release. Insights, observations, and awareness will bubble out of our unconscious and into our conscious thoughts and feelings in order to be rectified and healed.
When I reflect back on the time when I was going through a difficult personal situation, I can see how much my toxic thoughts and my sense of being overwhelmed were affecting my coworkers. Although I did my job and delivered quality work to the company, I can recall a number of times when I was in the boss’s office, sharing my stories of woe, or lunching with a friend, crying in my soup over my personal drama. At that time, I was blind to the toxicity of my emotional outbursts. In retrospect, I can now see that they had no place in the office. My rants were inappropriate and did not reflect the light of who I really am. They were unprofessional and a distraction. In fact, they were a hindrance to the relationship I had built with my immediate manager.
If you are unsure whether you are struggling with mental illness, anxiety, personality disorders, or depression, I encourage you to take the time to investigate. Go to a therapist or social worker, take some assessment tests, and be willing to face yourself. As I previously mentioned, my desire to understand the road rage I was feeling has taken me on a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance that has been a deep blessing in my life. Sticking your head in the sand and maintaining a stance of angry victim will bring nothing but further heartache and pain. The more you have the courage to face yourself in all of your perfect imperfection, the more you will fall in love with yourself. After all, isn’t our life’s journey about falling deeply in love with ourselves and those around us? When we open to the love that comes from deep introspection, deeper compassion, and even deeper forgiveness, we open to experiencing complete and utter joy in our lives. What more could we ask for?
Harnessing the Power of Forgiveness
As we commit to fully owning our part in any toxic situation, it is important to forgive ourselves and the others involved. I have finally come to the place where I have forgiven myself for my rants. I recently apologized to my dear colleague, Susan, whom I constantly barraged with my “He said … she said … I said …” rants. Although she told me that forgiveness was not necessary and that she was happy to be there to support me, I know that an apology was necessary. I did the best that I could at that time (if I knew better, I would have done better), but I still believe that my rants took an energetic toll on Susan. In the end, I loved myself more for owning my rants and sharing my apology. Doing so elevated me to a state of massive gratitude for Susan and her steadfast friendship. Gratitude is powerful and transformative. Had I not apologized to her, I would not have been led to the huge, joyful place of gratitude for our friendship. Ultimately, the act of apologizing elevated the energy to the place where miracles are planted.
Beware of False Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a wonderful—even self-full—practice that helps us release toxicity and move forward. But it does not mean that someone else’s hurtful actions were OK. We may never forgive the behavior; we may also be unable to truly forgive anyone at the time of the situation.
We should never impose forgiveness when it is inauthentic and coming from a place of “I should …” That is false forgiveness. In this case, you would not be truly forgiving, because this impulse is shame-based at its core. If your will to forgive is not heartfelt but comes from the place of “I need to do this because it’s bad not to forgive” or “I am told by friends, family, religion, culture (or any other external force) that I need to forgive,” the forgiveness will not be true, authentic, or heart-based. It will be an externally driven, fear-based, egoic act. When we follow this impetus, we are afraid of being unloving if we do not forgive. Therefore our need to forgive is based in our fear of being unlovable, of being shamed in this world or the next. True forgiveness has to be authentic and has to come in its own time.
At the same time, setting an intention to forgive at some point thereafter gets the ball rolling and starts to clear your path towards it. You will know when you are ready to forgive. Set a strong intention to release the pain around the situation. Allow your heart to lead, and have faith that when it is time, your heart will provide you with the insights, signals, and means by which you can start on your forgiveness journey.
Finding My Way Out of an Asocial Quagmire
Sometimes you are unable to work issues out with an individual, no matter how hard you try or how much you are committed to doing so. Even so, remaining firm with your intention to find a resolution is important, and staying open to signs, signals, and guidance can be key. When you do, sometimes remedies can appear in the oddest of ways.
Case in point: when I was a producer at Nightingale-Conant, I went through a situation with someone who was behaving in an asocial manner (I don’t believe his behavior was as extreme as antisocial). We were recording an audiobook with a reputable author, and on several occasions the engineer argued with me in response to requests that I was making as the producer. I was shocked and found it embarrassing (as he questioned my choices in front of the author). After the recording session was over, I approached him and asked, “Is there something I did that annoyed you in the session? Is there a protocol or practice that I was not correctly following?” His response was, “No. You did nothing. I just don’t like people.” I left the conversation thinking, “Now what? How do I work with that?”
Within the month I was to record a program with a top inspirational speaker. It was going to be the first one-on-one, in-studio interaction for this author; previously she would only allow us to record live events. So this was a big deal. I was assigned to be her producer, and I wanted to make the recording experience outstanding for all. However, given the response of the engineer (who was also scheduled to record this session), I didn’t know how to prevent toxic interactions during the two days of recording.
I did something that was highly unconventional. While I can’t guarantee that it will work for you, it certainly worked for me. I left the day of our discussion thinking, “Well, I can’t work with his personality-self. I tried and got a response that I could not work with. What if I work with his soul-self?” So each evening before going to sleep, I would have a conversation with his soul-self. It went something like this, “Hey, engineer’s soul. I have a situation here, and I really need your help! I’ve got a recording session coming up in three weeks, and I’m really nervous about it. I really want it to work out. I humbly ask you to work with his personality-self so that we can connect soul to soul and ease the tension. I want the recording to go really smoothly. I want the energy to be warm, welcoming, and joyful. I humbly and gratefully ask for your help.”
I’d never attempted anything like this before, but I was guided from within to do so. And guess what? It worked. The morning of the recording he was peaches-and-cream friendly. The session went without a hitch, and I was awestruck and filled with gratitude. So I suggest that the next time you are confronted with someone who is closed to conscious and open conversation, you might work with their soul-self.
Change Your Mind, Not Theirs
Ultimately each circumstance is unique, and each individual you will come in contact with will respond differently. There is no blanket response that guarantees success with others. Some many have more than one mental health issue, and others may have slight disorders that barely affect their work efforts. To end this chapter, I want to share a story with you that I found both fascinating and inspiring.
I was privileged to be able to work from home when I was employed at Nightingale-Conant Corporation. I had a new baby, and traveling to and from the office was lengthy. With the exception of audio recording sessions and weekly production meetings, I could do all of my writing, editing, and producing work on my laptop. After several years of working from home, the vice president of the company called me into his office.
After some idle chitchat, he informed me that I could no longer work from home. I was very disappointed and asked why. “Did something happen? Are you unhappy with the quality of my work?” He responded, “No, Theresa. Not at all. In fact, you are one of our hardest-working employees. It’s not that. It’s just that several employees also asked to work from home, and frankly, many don’t have the discipline to do so. You’ve started a precedent that we cannot follow with all employees.”
My first response was to close my heart and get angry. While I respected the vice president and completely understood why he made this decision, I immediately went into defensive mode (ego-based thinking). I started to build a case for making him the enemy (while I knew logically he was not). I immediately realized that taking an adversarial stance to his decision would serve no one, especially me. So I asked if he would give me a week, after which time we could reconvene. He agreed.
During that week, I observed my ego. It was cunning, defensive, and contriving. I knew that it was up to no good, and I knew that I had to change my perspective on the situation. I was bound and determined to quell the angry “I am a victim and he is the enemy” case that I was building for myself. So each day I would focus on everything that I respected about him. For the entire week, I worked on changing my mind about him.
Finally, the day of our second meeting arrived. I left my home feeling very different than I did a week ago. I felt a greater sense of respect and appreciation for the vice president. I was resolved to work from home, and I really didn’t have an agenda. No sooner had I walked into his office that he exclaimed, “Theresa, what have you done? You’re different somehow. I’ve never seen you so calm!” There was a short pause, and before I could respond he said, “You know what? We don’t need to have this discussion. Just keep working from home. I’ll deal with your coworkers as needed.” End of story.
Please note that all I did was change my mind about him. I consciously decided not to make him the enemy and not to turn the situation into an angry, adversarial one. In response to changing my mind, the energy of the situation was transformed. So next time you are tempted to have an ego-based dialogue, I encourage you to step away, take a break, breathe, feel into your feelings around the issue as they arise, and see where they lead you. In this case, they led me to choose a different, more proactive response. After all, in the end we cannot change others. All we can do is change ourselves. When even one individual makes a shift, the relationship will change. It has to. That’s the law of cause and effect.
When It Might Be Time to Leave
At some point, you may question whether staying at your current position will further support you and your work. You may feel that you have given your all, but that you are no longer a fit with the organization. You may have outgrown them, they may have outgrown you, or you may not have been a good match from the start. If you are in a toxic work environment, staying may inevitably pull you into the toxicity.
Here are some guideposts and exercises that may assist you in deciding whether you should stay or go. Some potential signs that you are done:
You discover that you have lost yourself in the environment you are in. In certain situations, I found myself so angry and feeling so victimized that I hated the person I had become. I worked on these feelings. I spoke to therapists and did as much personal work as I could. Nevertheless, I was still angry and feeling victimized. In truth, we are never victims, but I had difficulty pulling myself from that frame of mind.
When this is the case, do an emotional inventory and ask yourself:
• “What was my role in the drama, and what was theirs? What am I accountable for?” Write a list, and journal about the situation in order to gain deeper clarity.
• “Why was I so triggered? Is there a part of me that I need to honestly look at so that I don’t recreate this scenario again in my life?”
• “What can I do to heal the wounds that I have around this situation?”
After doing a great deal of emotional inventory work, you may decide to leave. Continue to look within and to work on the triggers that had been activated at that job. If you don’t, they will likely reappear again.
Another warning sign is an erosion of your self-esteem. This is tricky, because you may have been so emotionally abused that you believe that you are the problem and that you have nothing to offer a business.
Check in with your heart, and ask for clarity. Breathe into opening your heart, and ask, “Has my sense of self been eroded here? Please help me find clarity about the part I played. Help me to see that which I may be making myself responsible for, although I am not.” Then listen carefully and heed the heart-directed guidance.
Another sign is that you dread going into work each day. If so, ask yourself why you feel such dread. Is the environment around you toxic, or is the toxicity within you? If you discover that the toxicity is mostly prevalent in the work environment, perhaps it is time to go.
Another indication that it might be time to leave is that you bring your anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness home and lash out at your family and friends. If you are struggling with family members because of angry outbursts and impatience stemming from your job, again, perhaps it is time to leave.
Still another sign is that you are unable to sleep at night because you are worrying about your job and the day ahead. If you are ruminating for hours each night, so worked up that you are unable to sleep, it might be time to find a position that is better suited for you.
Another symptom is that you find yourself incessantly sharing crazy-making work stories with your friends and family. Your life is so consumed with the chaos, confusion, and injustice of the situation that you are unable to let go of it during your personal time. If you tend to worry and ruminate over work situations wherever you are, then perhaps the challenge is not external but lies within. If this is the case, continue to investigate your worrisome ways and look at your fears squarely. Feel into those fears as opposed to repressing them. Experiencing them fully will lead you in the direction you need to go in.
Energetic depletion is another sign. You may only be a couple of hours into your workday but find it difficult to stay awake. While this could be a sign of a physical ailment, it could also indicate that your workplace is draining you energetically. You may want to get a physical assessment. If the exhaustion is emotional from being in a toxic environment, you may wish to move on.
Also observe whether the quality of your work is diminishing because you are energetically drained. If you are usually very focused, but feel unfocused and unable to complete your tasks in this work environment, perhaps it’s time to forge a new path elsewhere.
Note also if your coworkers are energetic vampires. Check in after having conversations with them. Do you feel energized or emotionally drained afterward? If the bulk of your work relationships leave you feeling drained, then perhaps it is time to find a team that is more affirming and supports your efforts to raise your inner consciousness.
Observe also whether you are confused, troubled, and unsure of what your next step should be. Ask your highest self for guidance: “Is there something I need to see? Is there a lesson that I need to learn?” After doing this emotional inventory, ask that any confusion be cleared. Ask for the insights that can propel you into the next step that you need to take.
Pay attention if you get a gut feeling that tells you, “It’s time to leave.” Don’t fight a losing battle because of your sense of loyalty. Know that while at the job, you did your best and gave your all, and that is enough. You will win no lifetime achievement medals for going down with a sinking ship. Nothing and no one is worth the price of losing your emotional or mental health. To support you in finding the courage to leave, you might want to write a self-acknowledgment letter, listing the ways in which you contributed to the company’s well-being.
After leaving, you may wish to do an energetic cleanse. Envision the heavy, toxic energy leaving your body or any place that might be affected. See it being transmuted into something positive and uplifting, something that enhances the world energetically.