10

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jo whispers as I pull on my coat.

“I have to go, Jo. I can’t...I just can’t not.”

“He’s angry right now. He’s broken. He’s damaged.”

I nod, zipping up my coat and grabbing my phone and purse. “I know he is, but I want to talk to him now it’s all out in the open. He called me a monster, and...I didn’t like it. Maybe he’s right. What I just did to him was brutal, and made me no better than him and his little plan. I never thought of that, and now it’s all I can think about.”

Jo shakes her head. “I think you’re playing with fire, honey. If you go to him, he’s going to say and do a lot of things you’re not willing to hear right now.”

“I’m going,” I say, reaching over and grabbing her shoulders, squeezing. “I’ll call you later.”

She exhales as I disappear out the front door, walking to my car. What happened tonight, it was brutal. In a way that I didn’t expect. I thought of a million different reasons why Celia stepped in front of my car, but none of them compared to the truth. I’ve been thinking about her ever since, feeling a sick emptiness in my chest as I try to imagine what it was she was going through.

Going through alone.

Then my mind goes to Tanner, and the blow he got dealt tonight. It was hard, and it was cruel. He just learned that everything he believed in, is an utter lie. That the story he’s hung onto for so long, isn’t real. That his best friend, in the whole wide world, who he has trusted with his life, betrayed him.

I know how that feels, and it’s not good.

I also keep thinking about what he said to me, about me being happy now. Over the last few weeks, I have thought about this moment, and thought it would be exhilarating and fulfilling to finally uncover the truth. It turns out, the truth most certainly does not always set you free. If anything, it made me feel worse, it widened my wounds until they were gaping. It did little to make me feel better, to make me feel like my life was coming together again.

It made me feel even worse to realize that I am indeed as big a monster as Tanner.

I drive to Tanner’s house, getting out of my car and walking to the front door. I bang on it, breathing through some serious nervous energy. A moment later, Andrea answers. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other. I’m guessing she now knows what went down. Her eyes lock onto mine, and she says in a tired, broken voice, “What are you doing here?”

“I guess you heard what happened?” I say, my voice taking on the same tone.

“Yeah,” she murmurs, “I heard.”

Silence falls between us for a few moments. I don’t know if I should speak first, or if I should let her. There is so much to say, so many things to get out. I’m let down by the lie she created for me, and yet I don’t feel much anger towards her. Maybe it’s because I know she was doubting what was going on, or maybe because regardless of it all, she was really kind to me. Either way, she got dealt some pretty bad news tonight, too.

I’m not cold enough to just overlook that.

“Listen, I’m sorry. For what you found out tonight about Celia. For whatever it’s worth, my heart is breaking for you and your family at such horrible news. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not ever.”

Her face scrunches in pain, and she whispers, “I didn’t know she was in pain. How could I not notice?”

“You’re only human, Andrea. Sometimes we don’t always see what’s right in front of us, believe me, I should know.”

“You would know,” she says, her voice filling with regret. “I know what we did was wrong. I’m sorry, for whatever it’s worth. It means nothing, but I do mean it. I really do. You’re a good person, Callie. I know that. You’re a good worker and a kind friend. I’m sorry.”

It’s worth little at this point, but I appreciate it all the same. I nod, letting her know I’ve heard her, and then I get right to the point.

“I need to speak with Tanner.”

“He’s not here,” she says, “I’ve tried calling him, but he won’t answer.”

I didn’t figure he’d be here, but it was worth a shot.

“Do you have any idea where he might be?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“I can give you a name of a few local bars, where you might be able to find him. I can’t be sure, though. He’s in a bad way.”

I nod, “That would be great.”

She tells me a few places, and I thank her. We stand in some more dragged out silence, our eyes locked. I’m not sure what I’m going to do now. If I have a job. If I even want a job. If I’ll ever speak to Andrea again. All I know is it’s going to take me some time to get over this pain. Maybe it’s best if I don’t go near her for a while.

“I should probably find another job,” I say, my voice low.

She closes her eyes, exhaling. “You don’t have to do that, but I understand why you’d want to. However, the job is still yours if you need.”

I appreciate that, too.

“Thanks. I should go.”

I turn and walk away.

“Callie?” Andrea calls, when I’m half way down the front path.

I turn and glance at her.

“He’s not a bad person. He’s a broken person, in a lot of pain, but he’s not bad. Go easy on him, please.”

I hold her eyes, and then turn without another word.

I can’t promise something like that.

I just can’t.

I get in my car and drive to the first on the list of bars she gave me. He’s not at the first or the second, but finally, I find him at the third. He’s sitting at the end of the bar, in the shadows, head down, drink in front of him. He’s staring into the amber liquid, his shoulders slumped. I’m not a monster, seeing him like this bothers me. It hurts me.

I never realized just how much more pain I was going to cause tonight.

I feel horrible that I didn’t consider what hearing the news would do to him. I was so wrapped up in my own story, wanting to call them out for what they’d done, that I didn’t consider that my actions have consequences. That’s why I’m here, because he owes me to apologize at the very least for the bomb I dropped on him. Hearing what happened to Celia would have crushed him. Nobody deserves that.

I walk over and sit beside him. It takes him a few moments to look up at me, but when he does, his eyes harden. His jaw tightens and he glares at me like I’m the last person he’d ever want to see. “What the fuck are you doin’ here?”

I take in a deep breath through my nose, and say, “I’m here to talk to you.”

“Does it look like I want to talk to anyone?”

“Look, Tanner,” I begin, my voice monotone and emotionless, “I understand tonight was probably really hard for you and-”

He stands, his barstool skidding back so hard it slams into a table behind him. People stop and watch, their eyes wide. “You know what’s fuckin’ hard for me?” he roars, slamming his fist down on the bar, “Is knowin’ my sister got fuckin’ raped by eight men. That’s hard for me. Do not come in here and try to fuckin’ make this better. I fucked you over, or have you forgotten that already?”

“No, I haven’t.” I try, but he turns and starts walking out. “That’s not why I’m here, though.”

“Are you stupid?” he barks, panting with rage. “Why would you come after me? Why would you apologize for what I found out? Isn’t this what you wanted, Callie? To make me suffer for what I did to you? Isn’t this exactly how you wanted this to go?”

“No, Tanner, it isn’t. I didn’t think of what this would do to you, and I’m sorry for that. For the rest of it, well, I’m not okay...but...”

He laughs bitterly. “Stick with your plan. You went through with it, now you live with it. You made a choice. We’ve all made choices. I’m living with mine. Start fuckin’ living with yours.”

He turns and starts shoving past people to get out of the bar as quickly as he can.

“Tanner!” I yell.

He looks back at me. “Go fuck yourself, Callie.”

Then he disappears out the front door.

Well.

This is going well.

~*~*~*~

“TANNER WAIT!” I CALL, rushing out the front door after him.

He turns and walks down an alley, completely ignoring me. I run as fast as I can to catch up, ducking into the darkness after him. I finally catch up to him mid-way down, and I grab his shoulder, stopping him. He spins around, panting with rage, and barks, “Give up. You’ve done what you came here to do. What more could you possibly fuckin’ want from me?”

“I want to tell you I’m sorry,” I pant. “Not about what happened, but about Celia. Nobody should ever have to find out someone they love so dearly has gone through something like that. I never meant to cause you any pain uncovering the truth about her. I didn’t know that...”

His eyes narrow and he crosses his big arms. “Didn’t know what?”

“I didn’t know that’s what happened to her,” I confess, my voice dropping low. “I knew she had gotten hurt, I knew Chase was involved, I knew Tatum helped him but I didn’t know exactly what it was that happened to her. I knew Tatum would admit it if I was clever, and he did.”

He gives me a feral smile, one made up of anger and rage. “Excellent little plan, Callie. It worked out well for you then, didn’t it? You got exactly what you wanted. You got your revenge on all of us. Fuck, you really are clever, aren’t you? Does it feel good? I know it made me feel good, for a time.”

“I never...”

“Don’t,” he growls. “Don’t you stand there and tell me you never meant for me to get hurt, because you damn well did. I know what I did to you, you know what I did to you. This is what you wanted. You wanted me to fuckin’ suffer.”

God, he’s not listening.

He’s just not listening.

It’s not even entirely about him. At least I’m here saying sorry for what I did. He hasn’t given me that pleasure yet. He is far too angry at me, to see that he started this damn war. Now he can’t handle how it has ended.

“Why is this all about you?” I cry. “I’m the one who killed your sister. I’m the one who went away for it. I’m the one who got tormented for months because of it. Don’t you dare fucking turn it all around on me. You’re right, I am a monster, but I learned from the very best.”

He bares his teeth, and leans in close, “Be very fuckin’ careful what your next words are.”

“Or what?” I say, stepping up to his face. “What are you going to do that you already haven’t done? You’ve made my life a living hell, you’ve hurt me in ways you couldn’t imagine, and all along I thought you were a good man. The best type. The kind I could trust.”

“Well, how fuckin’ wrong you were.”

“Yeah,” I say, my words coming out like acid. “How fuckin’ wrong I was.”

“You’ve had your fun, Callie. Go home.”

“I’m not done, Tanner. I want Chase. I want my name cleared. I’ve lived through enough, I don’t deserve to keep living through it. I’m going to find him. I won’t stop until I do.”

He just stares at me, his eyes blank. “Go home.”

“No,” I challenge. “No, I won’t.”

With a feral growl, he moves quickly, putting his hands on my shoulders and slamming my body up against the wall. He leans in close, hands moving to press against the cold brick either side of my head. “Do you want me to lose it, Callie? Is that what you want? You want me to fuckin’ break?”

“No,” I say, my breaths coming out in short, hard pants.

“What do you want then?”

“I want to be happy, that’s what I want. I want to live without Celia’s shadow being cast over me everywhere I go.”

“Then you shouldn’t have stolen that car and gone for a fuckin’ joyride that night.”

I slap him, hard. My hand stings mere seconds after contact, and his head whips to the side before coming back to face me. His eyes are full of fire as he growls, “Fuckin’ slap me again and-”

I raise a hand to slap him again, but he grabs it with his, slamming it down by my side. Then, in all the emotional glory, his lips smash against mine. His kiss is angry, and full of pain and hatred, but I’m hungry for it. So damned hungry for it. I kiss him back, shoving my body against his, wanting to make it hurt and yet not being able to get enough of him. He growls angrily against my mouth, his hand sliding down to grab my ass, hauling me up against him.

We shouldn’t be kissing.

We shouldn’t even be talking.

Yet here we are.

I want him, yet I hate him so heavily my whole body thrums with the vibrations it brings.

My hate.

My love.

My confusion.

My passion.

His lips tear away from mine and he growls, “Is this what you came for? You want me to fuck you against this wall? To make you hate me even fuckin’ more?”

“Yes,” I spit, my voice bitter.

His fingers curl into my ass, squeezing until I hiss in pain. Then slowly his hands move around to the front, rubbing up and down my pussy through my pants. He does this until I’m whimpering, until I’m desperate, until I’m arching into him, desperate for more. Then and only then does he let me go and step back.

I stare at him, panting, my cheeks flushed and my skin prickling.

He stares at me, panting too, and then slowly, he bows. His big body curls over as he goes down, his hand swinging out to the side. Then comes back up again, a bitter look in his eyes. “Congratulations, Callie, on a game well played.”

With that, he turns and walks off, disappearing into the darkness.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.