How could my human mom have the perfect wedding if her cake was missing? I can see why Charlie didn’t want to tell her. Callie is always burning white candles under the full moon and searching for signs from the universe to guide her. She’d see a missing cake as a bad omen. She might even call off the wedding.
Naturally, that didn’t happen. The search for the cake took place behind the scenes and behind Callie’s back.
Meanwhile, back in the bridal dressing room, another disaster was brewing. Here’s the way Fayrene tells it.
o0o
Fayrene
When Ruby Nell came flying out of the bridal dressing room looking for me, I seized the opportunity to leave the foyer. I was cornered by Tupelo’s biggest philanderer. I don’t care how many millions he gives to charity. I was bored to death standing there listening to him brag about it.
“Excuse me. I need to borrow Fayrene for a minute.” Ruby Nell snatched me out of his grip, all the while smiling as sweet as pie, and he didn’t even take defense. He just went off looking for somebody else to talk their ears off.
As soon as we were out of anybody’s hearing, she said, “We’ve got a big problem.”
Naturally, she would turn to me. Being an entrepreneur gives me an advantage over other women, even Ruby Nell, who thinks she knows everything. When it comes to solving problems, most women are totally fertile. It takes somebody with my experience to just quietly get the job done without going into a big pubic display.
“I’m all ears,” I said. “Tell me about it, and don’t minx words.”
“Callie’s gone and lost at least six pounds, and her wedding dress won’t fit.”
“Lord help us, Ruby Nell, that’s not a big problem. All the dress needs is a little altercation. I can do that with my eyes half shut.”
“We don’t have a thread and needle.”
“Ruby Nell, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to be planning your urology. You just go back in there and tell the bride everything’s going to be all right. It won’t take me ten minutes to hop into my car and drive home for my sewing kit.”
Little did I know! I hustled out to the parking lot, trying not to sweat too much. I drove all the way to Memphis to get this turquoise silk dress. Then I had to tear the price tag off and lie to Jarvetis about the cost. And I never lie - unless it’s for a good cause. After all that, I wasn’t about to rush around in the heat and get sweat circles on my dress.
So I was making my cautious way to the parking lot, smiling and waving at everybody, trying not to let Ruby Nell’s constitution rub off on me, when lo and behold, what did I see? My vehicle was gone.
Thinking I might have parked it somewhere else and forgotten where in all the excitement – this was highly unlikely, since I have a pornographic memory – I trotted around the lot trying to spot my car. How hard could that be? I’m the only one in Mooreville who drives a green hearse.
Finally, I gave up on my car. But I wasn’t about to let Callie down, not to mention Ruby Nell.
I slipped quietly back into the church, being careful not to get caught in the clutches of that philanderer again, and found Jarvetis sitting in the sanctuary on the back pew.
“Hey, hon,” he said. “I was waiting for you. Do you want to sit closer?”
“Lord help us, Jarvetis. The cow’s in the ditch and you’ve got to help me get it out.”
“We don’t have a cow, Fayrene.”
Jarvetis takes everything liberally. I don’t know how he ever landed a free spirit like me.
“Don’t worry about the cow. Just drive home and get my sewing kit. It’s on the bottom shelf of the cabinet in the sewing room. And do hurry, hon.”
My husband and I had come in separate cars so I could leave for the church early and he could stay at the store till the last minute. We’ve got help, but we don’t both like to leave Gas, Grits and Guts as the same time. You never know what kind of problems will pop up.
After Jarvetis left, I hurried off to find Charlie and tell him about my missing hearse. I guess you’re wondering why I didn’t tell my husband. It’s because he had to have a heart castration and I don’t like to upset him with minor immersions.
Anyhow, I went flying through the church, still trying not to sweat on my dress. Charlie was in the deception hall. And of all things, so were the groom and the bridesmaid.
“Lord help us, Jack. What are you doing back here?”
“Somebody stole the wedding cake.” Lovie said, and she was madder than hops.
“Has anybody called the Highway Control? Somebody stole my hearse.”
Jack and Charlie began asking me so many questions I couldn’t keep it all straight. Now, I didn’t know that much about the groom, but seeing him in action trying to catch a pretty thief – or, I don’t know, maybe stealing a car is a grand lark – I’d have to say that Jack Jones is the man you want on your side. Callie was one lucky woman.
They most particularly questioned me about that primped up looking blond showing too much cleavage, and a tough looking guy with a big mold on his chin. Finally, Charlie took me by the arm and led me out of the deception room where Lovie and Jack were in a huddle.
“Fayrene, my dear, all this will be our little secret.”
“That’s fine with me, Charlie.” What Jartvetis doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
“We don’t want to spoil Callie’s wedding day.”
“Of course not. Or Ruby Nell’s either. She’s waited thirty years to see her daughter married.”
“Exactly,” Charlie said. “Now, don’t you worry about a thing. We’ll have your car back before the wedding. And the cake, too.”
I didn’t know how Charlie was going to do all that, but he’s another man you can trust. Just being around him makes me feel confidential.
After making a zipping sign across my lips to show that I’m no snatch, I made my way back to the bridal dressing room. By the time I got there, Jarvetis was standing outside the door with my sewing kit.
“Thank you, hon.” I was so calm you’d think I had years of experience on Broadway.
People were pouring into the church. Nobody wanted to miss the biggest event in Mooreville since Jarvetis and I brought the disco ball dance trophy home from Memphis. I was worried I might not get a front row seat.
“Just go on up front and get yourself a good seat, Jarvetis. I’ll be there in a minute. But first I’ve got to fix a damsel in the dress.”
o0o
Fayrene proved herself a true friend that day, heading straight into the bridal dressing room where Ruby Nell was about to fall to pieces over Callie’s too-big dress, and not uttering a word about the missing wedding cake or her missing hearse.
Callie was not far behind Ruby Nell in the Lord-help-us department. With Lovie still missing, she had nobody else to depend on. Don’t get me wrong. Callie loves her mama, but Ruby Nell thrives on drama, particularly when she’s at the center of it.
If I had been there, I would have had the situation under control. I understand my human mom better than anybody in the world, even Jack. I know exactly how to lend a floppy ear when she needs to talk.
And of course, I’d have been right in the middle of catching the cake thief. But as they say, out of sight, out of mind. – a catchy little title I spun into a gold record in my other life when I could go into the kitchen at Graceland any time of the day or night and get a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.
Speaking of good eating, as my human mom and I continue our journey toward home, my stomach rumbles. It’s that time of day for a substantial snack. Forget the large-sized milk bone. I’m talking ham bone buried in the back yard.
Or if I get lucky, Jack will be having some cheese and crackers. My human dad is always willing to share with a loyal, intelligent dog. That would be yours truly. Forget that silly cocker spaniel Callie rescued. He is beyond dumb. Even if I wanted to, which I totally do not, I couldn’t teach him the art of conning real food out of our humans. He’s too lazy. All he wants to do is sneak off and steal a nap on my personal pillow while I’m gone.
Watch out, silly spaniel. The King is coming. And I’m not talking religion.