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Page numbers for figures are shown in italics. Endnotes are denoted by n, e.g. 264n11.
abortion activists, 135
acquisitions, corporate, 55–6
Adams, Ryan, 262n1
addiction counselling: ambivalence of addict, 112–13; listening, 113; rapport, 111; ‘righting’ reflex and behaviour, 110–11, 114; similarity to interrogation, 110, 113; trust, 111
adolescents: benefits of constructive conflict, 20–1, 32–3; power struggles, 113, 130
aggression: controlling, 216, 221; in social media, 9–10, 15–17, 202; see also anger; negative emotions; passive aggression
agreeableness, 20
airlines, 37–9, 43–4
Ala, Abu, 192, 196
alcoholism counselling see addiction counselling
Alison, Emily, 107–10, 113
Alison, Laurence, 107–10, 113–14, 168, 209, 223, 226
ambivalence to change, during addiction counselling, 112–13
Amdur, Ellis, 217–19, 265n13
Ancient Greece, 46–9
anger: and cognition, 261n1; as conveying investment, 32, 45; and perceived competence, 181; vs politeness, 233–4, 266n16; types of, 218; see also aggression; negative emotions
anti-vax movement, 117, 121–2, 134–5
apologies: corporate apologies, 175–6, 178–80; ‘costly’ (effective) apologies, 177–80, 183; economic importance of, 175–6, 178–80; frequency and overuse, 180; medical errors, 176, 181; and perceived competence, 181; politicians’ apologies, 178, 180–1; as relationship opportunities, 174–5, 182–3; research studies, 175–6, 178–80; sincerity, 183, 226; types of apology, 178, 179, 181; see also errors and mistakes
‘apology laws’ (USA), 176–7
Arab–Israeli conflict, 184, 197; Oslo Accord negotiations, 184–6, 192–4, 195–7, 264n11
Arafat, Yasser, 196–7
araki-ryu (martial art), 265n13
argumentativeness, cultural differences, 245, 265n15
arguments: deliberate introduction of complexity, 198; as stateless, 190; on Twitter, 206
Aristotle, 49
Arnold, Kyle, 119–20, 122
Arnold, Philip, 159
Asfour, Hassan, 192
Ashley-Cooper, Anthony, 242
Aurik, Johannes, 138
authenticity: in apologising, 183, 226; authentic dissent vs devil’s advocate, 53–5, 226; in curiosity, 224, 226; in empathy, 223–4, 226; and policing, 227–8; in rapport, 224–6
avoidance behaviours: around political discourse in person, 17–18, 245; in the workplace, 18–19, 36–7
‘backfire effect’, 169–70, 205, 243, 253; see also ‘righting’ reflex and behaviour
Bacon, Francis, 64
bands, 73–5, 76
Barnard, Niël, 226
Barnet, Frank (interrogation role play), 1–2, 209–13, 219, 223; see also Smith, Lloyd
Barry, John, Roger Williams and the Creation of the American Soul: Church, State and the Birth of Liberty, 265n15
Beatles, 77–80, 214, 262n4
Beautiful South, 76
Beck, Jeff, 76
beginnings of conversations: emotion articulation, 93–5; empathy, 91–3, 97–9; importance of, 89–90, 91; initial act of agreement, 93, 99; phone conversations, 90, 263n5; reciprocity, 90–1, 92–3, 97, 104
Bejan, Teresa, 235–6, 239, 241; Mere Civility: Disagreement and the Limits of Toleration, 265n15
benefits of constructive conflict: for adolescents, 20–1, 32–3; in bands, 73–5, 76; as/for creativity, 74, 76, 246–9; division of cognitive labour, 62; division of epistemic labour, 47; in families, 20–1, 22; in general, 20, 33, 45; in group decision-making, 52–3, 56–8, 61–4; in marriage and romantic relationships, 26, 30–3; negative-directness, 31–3; Roger Williams’s views, 241; in scientific advances, 71–3, 80–1; in the workplace, 19–20, 21, 22, 39, 42–4, 234, 247
biased information processing, 40; see also Identity-Protective Cognition
Blair, Tony, 216
Bormann, Ernest, 75–6
Brady, William, 16, 17
brainstorming, 81
Bro, Susan, 88, 102–4, 263n5, 266n15
Buffett, Warren, 55–6, 63
‘but’, avoiding use of, 254
Callard, Agnes, 47, 48, 49
Carlin, John, 140; Knowing Mandela, 263n7
Carse, James, Finite and Infinite Games, 243–4
Ceasefire (app), 264n12
challenge states, vs threat states, 40–2
Change My View (CMV), 199–206, 264n12
changing one’s mind, experience of, 204; see also persuasive argument
Chasin, Laura, 135, 264n7
chatbots, 189–91
checking understanding, 255
children see adolescents; families; parents
Christian, Brian, 190
civility and politeness: vs anger, 233–4, 266n16; and ‘keeping each other in the room’, 241–2; modern understanding of, 242; Robin Lakoff’s rules, 242; Roger Williams’s views, 240–1; as tool of control/oppression, 234, 235–6; see also rudeness
Clark, Ronald, The Life of Bertrand Russell, 265n15
Clinton, Bill, 180–1, 197
cognition: biased information processing, 40; Identity-Protective Cognition, 163–5; impairment (during conflict), 40; knowledge illusion, 61; and negative emotions, 261n1
cognitive bolstering, 54
cognitive labour, division of, 62, 64–5
coherence: vs complexity, 194, 197–8; desire for, 194
Coke, Sir Edward, 237
Coleman, Peter, 186–9, 188, 194–5, 197–8, 264n7; The Five Percent, 264n7, 264n11, 266n16
communication culture, high- vs low-context, 10–14, 12
communication styles, in marriage and relationships, 24–6, 25
complexity: vs coherence, 194, 197–8; and constructive disagreement, 188, 190–1, 198; deliberate introduction of (surprise), 166, 170, 191, 194–5, 198
compromise, vs creativity, 247–8
confirmation bias, 58–9, 62–4, 65–8, 262n3
connection see rapport and connection constraints and rules: importance of, 207–8; social media, 200–3, 207–8
constructive conflict: benefits see benefits of constructive conflict; occasional futility of, 231–3, 234; vs persuasion, 243, 248–9; rules (summarised), 250–1; toolkit, 252–7
constructive vs destructive conversations, 187–9, 188
contempt, 44
conversation(s): beginnings see beginnings of conversations; constructive vs destructive, 187–9, 188; stateful vs stateless, 189–90; tracking (content vs relationship level), 33–6
co-operation, in marriage and romantic relationships, 25, 25
Corbin, Jane, 185, 193, 264ml
corporate culture, 37–9, 42–4, 136, 234, 253–4, 254–5
‘costly’ (effective) apologies, 177–80, 183; see also apologies
‘costly signals’, 177, 264n10
Coulson, Danny, No Heroes, 264n8
counselling and therapy: addiction counselling, 110–14; for clinical delusions, 118–21; therapist effectiveness and self-doubt, 122
couples see marriage and romantic relationships
creativity: vs compromise, 247–8; constructive conflict as/for creativity, 74, 76, 246–9
Crick, Francis, 80–1, 262n4
Crockett, Molly, 16
Crouch, Tom, 71
cultural differences: appreciation of others’ cultures, 147–8, 154, 155–6, 158–60; in argumentativeness, 245, 265n15; high-vs low-context communication culture, 10–14, 12; in negotiation styles, 143–6, 144,145; and political discourse, 154; types of rationality, 168–9; understanding of own culture, 151–2, 161–2, 257; WEIRD mindset, 153–4
culture, corporate, 37–9, 42–4, 136, 234, 253–4, 254–5
curiosity and questioning: about others’ perspectives, 166–8, 169, 170–1, 204–5, 212–13, 248; about own perspectives, 248; being genuine, 224, 226; in constructive conversations, 187, 191; and desire for coherence vs complexity, 194; in interrogation, 168, 212–13, 224, 226; in persuasive argument, 204–5; scientific curiosity, 165–6; stimulating others’ curiosity, 169–70
Cusk, Rachel, 139
Davidians see Mount Carmel (USA) and Branch Davidians
De Wit, Frank, 40–1
debates: vs conversations, 201; disputations, 50; Socratic method, 46–9, 63, 244
decision-making see group decision-making
‘delusional’ people, response to, 117–18, 122–3
delusions, clinical, 118–21
democracy, as an infinite game, 244, 265n15
Descartes, René, 50
destructive vs constructive conversations, 187–9, 188
devil’s advocate, in group decision-making, 53–5, 226
dietary advice (and confirmation bias), 65–8
disagreement, productive see constructive conflict
disputations, 50; see also debates
disputes, ‘intractable’, 197–8
disruption see complexity; humour, effective use of; surprise, usefulness of
division of labour: cognitive, 62; epistemic, 47
divorce mediation, 93–4, 130
Docherty, Jayne, 156, 168; Learning Lessons From Waco, 264n8
Donohue, William, 128, 129, 130, 135, 208
Downs, Bertis, 75
Druckman, Daniel, 128–9
Dubner, Stephen, Freakonomics (podcast), 264n10
economic importance of apologies, 175–6, 178–80
Egeland, Jan, 185
egoism, 57, 75
El Kurd, Maher, 192
emotional dynamics of conversations, 186–9, !88
emotional inertia, 214
emotional reciprocity, 214–15, 216–17, 253
emotions see epistemic emotions; negative emotions
empathic accuracy, 27–31
empathy: being genuine, 223–4, 226; conversation beginnings, 91–3, 97–9; defined, 27; and desire for coherence vs complexity, 194; ‘start where they’re at’, 97–8
epistemic emotions, 170; see also curiosity and questioning
Eppler, Mark, The Wright Way, 262n4
errors and mistakes: medical, 176; in negotiations, 172–5, 182; research studies, 173–5; see also apologies
escalation: and emotional control, 214–15; in negotiations, 215–16; research studies, 213, 214–15
Evans, James, 56–7, 63
evidence use, in persuasive argument, 205
Faber, Adele, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, 114–15
Facebook, 9; see also social media
‘facework’ (first impressions), 126–7; see also giving face; protecting face
Fagan, Livingstone, 159
families: arguments, deliberate disruption of, 198; supportive relationships, 21; see also children; marriage and romantic relationships; parents
fat consumption, nutritional advice (and confirmation bias), 65–8
FBI, Mount Carmel siege, 141, 142–3, 147–8, 151–2, 155–61
fight or flight response, 15; see also aggression; avoidance behaviours; passive aggression
finite vs infinite games, 243–5
first impressions (‘facework’), 126–7; see also giving face; protecting face
Follett, Mary Parker, 246–8, 257, 266n16
Forsyth, Donelson, Group Dynamics, 262n4
Franklin, Rosalind, 80
friendships, empathic accuracy, 28
Gabor, Andrea, Capitalist Philosophers, 266n16
game theory, 177; finite vs infinite games, 243–5
Gawande, Atul, 94–5
gender differences: conversation tracking (content vs relationship level), 35–6; empathic accuracy, 29
Gimbel, Sarah, 15
Gittell, Jody Hoffer, 37–8, 43–4
giving face, 127, 129, 136–9, 206, 255; see also ‘facework’ (first impressions); protecting face
Gladwell, Malcolm, 264n8
goals, competing (internal conflicts), 220–2; see also negative emotions
Goffman, Erving, 126
Goldszal, Clementine, 245–6
Good Friday Agreement, 216
Gottman, John, 44
Graham, Paul, 9
Greer, Lindred, 79
group decision-making: benefits of constructive conflict, 52–3, 56–8, 61–4; devil’s advocate vs authentic dissent, 53–5, 226; motivation and incentivisation, 55–6; and political polarisation, 56–8; research studies, 53–5, 56–8
groupthink, 52
Gulla, Don, 96–7, 191–2, 217, 226
Haidt, Jonathan, 154
Hall, Edward T., 10; Beyond Culture, 261n1
Halperin, Basil, 179
Harrison, George (George Martin’s tie joke), 77, 79–80
‘hedging’ phrases, in persuasive argument, 206
Heiberg, Marianne, 185
Hempel, Jessi, 263n5
Henrich, Joe, 152–3, 264n8
Heyer, Heather, 87–8, 99–101, 102–3, 263n5; Heather Heyer Foundation, 263n5
high-context communication culture: characteristics, ii, 12; vs low-context, 10–14, 12
Hirschfeld, Yair, 192
Ho, Benjamin, 175, 176–80, 264n10
Hoffman, Jan, 263n6
Horowitz, Ben, 75
hostage negotiations, 127–8, 129, 208, 226
Howell, Vernon see Koresh, David (born Vernon Howell)
human evolution, reasoning skills, 59–60
Hume, David, 265n15
humiliation, 137–8, 191, 221, 235, 245
humour, effective use of, 77, 78–80, 170, 196, 198
Humphrys, Mark, 190
Huthwaite International, 215
Ickes, William, 26–8; Everyday Mind Reading, 262n2
identity and sense of self: and belonging, 163–4; protecting face, 134–6, 138–9, 186, 256; see also ‘facework’ (first impressions)
Identity-Protective Cognition, 163–5; see also biased information processing
infinite vs finite games, 243–5; democracy as an infinite game, 244, 265n15
internal conflicts, 220–2; see also negative emotions
interrogation: avoiding ‘tricks’, 226; cognitive and emotional levels of, 219; curiosity, 168, 212–13, 224, 226; emotional response of interviewers, 209–12, 219–20; empathy, 91–2; giving suspect the right not to talk, 109–10; power struggles, 105–7, 108, 130, 210–12; rapport, 109, 113; research studies, 108–10, 173–5; role play (Frank Barnet), 1–2, 209–13, 219, 223; similarity to addiction counselling, 110, 113; terrorists, 105–10; unsuccessful, 105–6, 108
‘intractable’ disputes, 197–8
Israeli–Palestinian conflict see Arab–Israeli conflict
Jagger, Mick, 73–4
Janin, Neil, 167–8, 170
Janis, Irving, 52
Japanese communication culture, 10–11; see also high-context communication culture
Johnson, Mark, 22
Juul, Mona, 184
Kahan, Daniel, 163–6, 170
Kaplan, Jonas, 15
Keil, Frank, 61
Kelleher, Herb, 37, 38
King, Martin Luther, 234
King, Rollin, 38
Klar, Samara, 17
Kleinman, Steven, 92
knowledge, collective, 61
knowledge illusion, 61
Koresh, David (born Vernon Howell), 146, 149–50, 159–60, 161; see also Mount Carmel (USA) and Branch Davidians
Krupnikov, Yanna, 17
Lakoff, George, 22
Lakoff, Robin, 242
language used to describe conflict, 22–3
Lascelles, Jerry, 75
Laursen, Brett, 262n1
leadership: modelling behaviours, 43, 82; rewarding dissenters, 254
Lee, Fiona, 176
Lennon, John, 77–9
Leon, Carli, 121, 263n6
Lewis, Richard, 143–4, T44, T45
Lewisohn, Mark, Tune In, 262n4
Liberia, end of Second Civil War, 195
List, John, 178–9
listening: during addiction counselling, 113; and empathic accuracy, 28–9; in online communication, 201–2; to others’ emotions, 94–5; police skills, 98; Wright brothers’ skills, 73
Liu, Elaine, 176
Llano, Stephen, 256
losing an argument, practising, 256
low-context communication culture: characteristics, 11, 12; vs high-context, 10–14, 12; increased prevalence of, 13–14
Lustig, Robert, 67–8; Fat Chance, 67
Luther, Martin, 235, 236
Lynch, Larry, 142, 157–8
Machiguenga people (Amazon basin), 152–3
Mandela, Nelson, 124, 139–40, 226; meetings and negotiations with General Viljoen, 125–6, 127, 129, 1324, 135–6, 138, 139–40, 226–7, 263n7
marriage and romantic relationships: benefits of conflict, 26, 30–3; changed gender roles, 13; communication styles, 24–6, 25; conversation beginnings, 90–1; conversation tracking (content vs relationship level), 33–6; divorce mediation, 93–4, 130; emotional reciprocity, 214; empathic accuracy, 29–31; escalation in, 215, 216; passive aggression, 25; research studies, 24–6, 31–2, 33–4, 35–6, 90, 130, 214
Martin, George (tie joke), 77, 79–80
Martin, Wayne, 157–8
Matias, Nathan, 207
Mazlish, Elaine, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, 114–15
McCartney, Paul, 77–9
McNulty, Jim, 31
mediation: divorce mediation, 93–4, 130; emotion articulation, 93–4; initial act of agreement, 93
medical practitioners, errors and apologies, 176
Mercier, Hugo, 59, 60, 61–2
MGonz (chatbot), 190
military, use of humour, 79
Miller, William, 111–13
Milton, John, 237, 240; Areopagitica, 265n15
mistakes see errors and mistakes moralising language in online communication, 16
Moran, Major Sherwood, 91–2
Morrill, Calvin, 42
Mosley, Oswald, 212, 231
Motivational Interviewing (MI), 111–13
Mount Carmel (USA) and Branch Davidians: culture, 147–52, 158–60, 169; founding, 149; public perception of, 146, 150, 156; siege, 141–3, 146–8, 151–2, 155–61, 225–6, 264n8; see also Koresh, David (born Vernon Howell) Muir, Ian, 179
Munich Massacre, 127
Napier-Bell, Simon, 76
Narragansett tribe, 236–7, 238
negative emotions: and cognition, 261m; controlling, 214–15, 216–17, 221; importance of articulation, 93–5; internal conflicts, 220–2; of interviewers, 209–12, 219–20; in negotiations, 215–17; response to others’ ‘righting’ behaviours, 115, 170; role of, 32, 44, 62; understanding own reactions and emotions, 217–22, 248; see also anger
negative-directness, benefits, 31–3
negotiation: appreciation of others’ cultures, 147–8, 151–2, 155–60; benefits of privacy, 135–6, 186, 193; cultural differences in negotiation styles, 143–6, 144, 145; emotional control, 216–17; errors of communication, 172–5, 182; escalation, 215–16; hostage negotiations, 127–8, 129, 208, 226; ‘one-down’ parties (status imbalance), 128–32, 137, 175, 182; Oslo Accord negotiations, 184–6, 192–4, 195–7, 264ml; protecting face, 134–6, 138–9, 186, 256; providing order and structure, 208; rapport, 157–8, 192–3, 196; research studies, 173–5, 215; siege negotiations (Mount Carmel, USA), 141–3, 146–8, 151–2, 155–61, 225–6, 264n8; suicide negotiations, 172; terrorist negotiations, 127; trust, 193
Nelson, Gary, 266n16
Nemeth, Charlan, 53–4, 226
neuroscience, 14–15, 52
Newton, Isaac, 65
Nickerson, Raymond, 59
Nissen-Lie, Helene, 122
nutritional advice (and confirmation bias), 65–8
Ocasio-Cortez, Alexandria, 138–9 ‘one-down’ parties (status imbalance), 128–32, 137, 175, 182; see also power imbalances and struggles
O’Neill, Mike, 97, 98, 219
online communication: culture, 206, 243; ‘listening’ in, 201–2; as low-context, 14; moralising language, 16; power struggles, 243; removal of social norms, 16–17; and spread of false beliefs, 117; tone, 202–3, 206–7; see also social media
Oostinga, Miriam, 172–5, 178, 226
organisations see workplace
Oslo Accord negotiations, 184–6, 192–4, 195–7, 264ml
Overall, Nickola, 24, 31, 44
Palestinian–Israeli conflict see Arab–Israeli conflict
parents: modelling reasoning, 60; power struggles with adolescents, 113, 130; ‘righting’ reflex and behaviour, 114–15
Pariser, Eli, 99, 263n5
passive aggression: in marriage and romantic relationships, 25; as never helpful, 45; in the workplace, 37, 39–40
peacocks’ tails (as ‘costly signals’), 177
Penn, William, 241
Perlow, Leslie, 39
personality mix in teams, 214
personality traits, 20
persuasive argument: vs constructive conflict, 243, 248–9; as ‘righting’ behaviour, 243; strategies for, 204–6
Peters, Emmanuelle, 118–19
Phear, Patrick, 93
phone conversations, pause before initial ‘hello’, 90, 263n5
physiological responses: and emotional reciprocity/inertia, 214; fight or flight response, 15; research studies, 41, 214; threat vs challenge states, 40–2
pirates, skull and crossbones (as ‘costly signals’), 264MO
Planck, Max, 68
Plato, 49; Gorgias, 49; Hippias Minor, 48; Republic, 48–9
police: communication (de-escalation) skills, 95–9, 137, 191–2; humiliation of suspects, 137–8; importance of authenticity, 227–8; Jonathan Wender’s philosophy, 227–8; listening skills, 98; training simulations, 209; understanding own reactions and emotions, 217–19
politeness and civility see civility and politeness
political discourse: cultural differences, 154, 245; and Identity-Protective Cognition, 163; and increased tweet length, 265n12; ‘one-down’ status of electorate, 131; in person, 17–18, 245; research studies, 154, 165–6, 265n12; in social media, 16, 265n12; Susan Bro’s work, 104
political polarisation, and group decision-making (Wikipedia edits), 56–8
politicians’ apologies, 178, 180–1
Posterous (microblogging platform), 18, 19
Powell, Jonathan, Great Hatred, Little Room, 216
power imbalances and struggles: with adolescents, 113, 130; in general, 106–7; during interrogation, 105–7, 108, 130, 210–12; ‘one-down’ parties (status imbalance), 128–32, 137, 175, 182; in online communication, 243
Powers, William T., 220, 221
privacy during negotiation, benefits, 135–6, 186, 193
productive disagreement see constructive conflict
protecting face, 134–6, 138–9, 186, 256; see also ‘facework’ (first impressions); giving face; ‘wrongness’, stigma of
Providence, USA, 239–40
Pundak, Ron, 192
questioning see curiosity and questioning
Rabin, Yitzhak, 196–7
racial/ethnic tensions and conflict: South Africa, 124–5, 139–40; USA, 87–8, 96; see also Arab–Israeli conflict; Mandela, Nelson
rapport and connection: during addiction counselling, 111; being genuine, 224–6; defined, 109; during interrogation, 109, 113; during negotiation, 157–8, 192–3, 196
rationality, types of, 168–9
reactance, 253; see also ‘backfire effect’
reasoning see cognition; thinking and reasoning
reciprocity, 90–1; conversation beginnings, 90–1, 92–3, 97, 104; emotional reciprocity, 214–15, 216–17, 253; ‘wrong’ kind of, 97
Reddit, 207; Change My View (CMV), 199–206, 264n12; see also social media
reframing, in persuasive argument, 205
relationship conflict (in the workplace), vs task conflict, 40, 75
R.E.M., 74–5
research studies: brainstorming vs debate and criticism, 81–2; communication in marriage and romantic relationships, 24–6, 31–2, 334, 35–6, 90, 130, 214; corporate culture, 37–8, 42, 43–4; emotional dynamics of conversations, 186–9, 188; empathic accuracy, 27–8; errors and apologies, 173–6, 178–81; escalation, 213, 214–15; fairness and cultural differences, 152–3; group decision-making, 53–5, 56–8; humiliation, 138; interrogation, 108–10, 173–5; knowledge illusion, 61; Motivational Interviewing (MI), 113; negotiation, 173–5, 215; persuasive argument (in Change My View), 205–6; physiological responses, 41, 214; political discourse, 154, 165–6, 265n12; scientific curiosity, 165–6; social media, 131, 205–6, 207, 265n12; therapist effectiveness and self-doubt, 122; vaccination choices, 134–5; WEIRD vs holistic mindsets, 154; Wikipedia edits, 56–8, 63
Richards, Keith, Life, 73
‘righting’ reflex and behaviour: in addiction counselling, 110–11, 114; ‘backfire effect’, 169–70, 205, 243, 253; emotional response to, 115, 170; for emotions, 116, 254; in parents, 114–15; resisting, 116–17, 118–23, 169–70, 256; ubiquity of, 114
Rød-Larsen, Terje, 184; Oslo Accord negotiations, 184–6, 192–4, 195–7, 264n11
Rogers, Carl, 27
Rogers, J. T., Oslo, 264ml
Rolling Stones, 73–4
Rollnick, Jake, 224–5
Rollnick, Stephen, 110–13
Rozenblit, Leonid, 61
rudeness: acceptable, 80–1; and cultural differences, 145; as deliberate disruption (Martin Luther), 235; in online communication, 202; see also civility and politeness
rules see constraints and rules
rules of productive argument (summarised), 250–1
Russell, Bertrand, 231, 265n15
Russell, Michelle, 31–2, 33, 212
sadness, and cognition, 261n1
Schneider, Steve, 141, 143, 151, 159
Schroeder, Kathryn, 155–7
scientific curiosity, 165–6
scientific method and advances: benefits of constructive conflict, 71–3, 80–1; and division of cognitive labour, 64–5; impact of confirmation bias, 64, 65–8; see also thinking and reasoning
self, sense of see identity and sense of self
shared information bias, 52
Shenk, Joshua Wolf, Powers of Two, 262n4
siege negotiations, Mount Carmel (USA), 141–3, 146–8, 151–2, 155–61, 225–6, 264n8
Sillars, Alan, 30, 33, 35, 90, 130, 215, 216, 262n2
Smith, Lloyd, 210–13, 223–4; see also Barnet, Frank (interrogation role play)
Smith, Nathan, 43
‘soapboxing’, 201, 205
Sobo, Elisa, 134–5
social media: ‘listening’ in, 201–2; negativity and aggression, 9–10, 15–17, 202; research studies, 131, 205–6, 207, 265n12; rules, 200–3, 207–8; status imbalance, 131–2; tone, 202–3; see also Facebook; online communication; Posterous (microblogging platform); Reddit; Twitter
Socrates, 46–9, 244
Southwest Airlines, 37, 38–9, 43–4
Sperber, Dan, 59, 60, 62
Spratt, George, 70, 71–2 ‘start where they’re at’, 97–8; see also empathy
starts of conversations see beginnings of conversations
stateful vs stateless conversations, 189–90
status imbalance (‘one-down’ parties), 128–32, 137, 175, 182; see also power imbalances and struggles
Stokoe, Elizabeth, Talk: The Science of Conversation, 263n5
storytelling, in persuasive argument, 205
sugar consumption, vs fat consumption (and confirmation bias), 65–8
suicide negotiations, 172
surprise, usefulness of, 166, 170, 191, 194–5, 198
Tabor, James, 158–9
Talhelm, Thomas, 154
Tan, Garry, 18, 19, 21
task conflict, vs relationship conflict, 40 75
Taylor, Charles, 72
Taylor, Paul, 128, 172, 264n10
teasing, 79; see also humour, effective use of
teenagers see adolescents Terreblanche, Eugene, 124–5
terrorists: interrogation, 105–10; negotiation, 127
Tesser, Abraham, 21
therapy see counselling and therapy
thinking and reasoning: brainstorming, 81; confirmation bias, 58–9, 62–4, 65–8, 262n3; human evolution for, 5960; philosophers’ approaches, 46–51; thinking about thinking, 46; through debate, 46, 60–1, 71–3, 81–2; through solitary introspection, 46, 50–1, 61; for truth-seeking vs arguing ability, 58–61; see also cognition; scientific method and advances
Thompson, George, 252; Verbal Judo, 266n17
threat states, vs challenge states, 40–2
Tiedens, Larissa, 180–1
tolerance threshold for conflict, 76, 77
tone, 202–3
toolkit of productive argument, 252–7
Trevors, Gregory, 169–70
tribalism, 57–8
triggers (for anger), 218–19
trust: during addiction counselling, iii; erosion through passive aggression, 45; in high- vs low-context communication culture, 12; importance of, 55, 73, 82; during negotiation, 193
truth-seeking, 255
Turnbull, Kal, 199–202, 203–4, 264n12; see also Change My View (CMV)
Twitter: arguments on, 206; effect of increased tweet length, 265n12; giving face, 206; moralising and emotional language, 16; status imbalance, 131–2; as ‘yelling’ (Susan Bro), 104; see also social media
Uber, 178–80
Vakhrusheva, Julia, 119–20, 122
Viljoen, General Constand, 125–6, 129, 132–4, 138, 139–40
Waco (USA) see Mount Carmel (USA) and Branch Davidians
Wagner, Emma, 121–2, 263n6
Wampanoag tribe, 236–7, 238
Watson, James, 80–1, 262n4
Watters, Ethan, 264n8
Watts, Charlie, 73–4
WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich and Democratic) mindset, 153–4
Wender, Jonathan, 96, 137, 227–8; Policing and the Poetics of Everyday Life, 227
Whipps, Judy, 266n16
Wikipedia edits (research study), 56–8, 63
Wilkins, Maurice, 80
Williams, Roger, 236–41, 265n15; The Bloudy Tenent of Persecution for Cause of Conscience, 240
Wilson, Alfred, 87–9, 99–102, 226
Witkowski, Sadie, 263n6
Women’s International Peace Network (WIPN), 195
workplace: avoiding conflict, 18–19, 36–7; benefits of constructive conflict, 19–20, 21, 22, 39, 42–4, 234, 247; corporate culture, 37–9, 42–4, 136, 234, 253–4, 254–5; passive aggression, 37, 39–40; protecting face, 136; research studies, 37–8, 42, 43–4; task vs relationship conflict, 40
Wright, Bob, 93–4
Wright, Wilbur and Orville, 70–3, 262n4
Wright Miller, Ivonette, 72–3
‘wrongness’, stigma of, 203–4; see also protecting face
Yardbirds, 76
‘you’, avoiding use of, 254
Yudkin, John, 65–8; Pure, White and Deadly, 66–7
Zanes, Warren, 74
Zartman, William, 138