Notes
Introduction
2 As psychotherapist and researcher …: Elaine Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person (1996, Secaucus, N.J.: Birch Lane Press), 28–30: “… sensitive children come with a built-in tendency to react more strongly to external stimuli.” She goes on to describe how sensitivity is created by the balance of two systems in the brain—the behavioral activation system, which takes in messages from the senses and sends out orders to the limbs, and the behavioral inhibition system, which moves us away from things, making us cautious, attentive to danger, and watchful for signs. Why not, Aron asks, recognize the positive benefits of this second system and call it the automatic-pause-to-check system?
3 Adult Attention Deficit …: Although Adult Attention Deficit Disorder can only be diagnosed by a trained professional in the field, there are many books available on the subject. Here are three that may be helpful in understanding the scope of the problem: Ed Hallowell and John Ratey, Driven to Distraction (1994, New York: Random House); Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid: A Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (1993, New York: Fireside Books); M. Susan Roberts and Gerald J. Jansen, Living with ADD: A Workbook for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (1997, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications).
4 As Harvey Mackay writes …: Harvey Mackay, Sharkproof (1993, New York: HarperBusiness), 31–34.
5 Then, a few years …: NIA (Neuromuscular Integrative Action), a healing process of connecting the body, mind, and spirit through guided movement, was first introduced in 1983 by Debbie and Carlos Rosas. (800) 762-5762.
Chapter 1
18 But, as Judy Tatelbaum observes …: Judy Tatelbaum, You Don’t Have to Suffer: A Handbook for Moving Beyond Life’s Crises. (1989, New York: Harper & Row), 55–61.
25 Gershen Kaufman, Shame: The Power of Caring (1985, Cambridge, MA: Shenkman Books, Inc.), 8.
Chapter 2
29 According to Susan Jeffers …: Jeffers, End the Struggle, 62–63.
31 As Sheldon Kopp …: Sheldon Kopp, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients (1972, Ben Lomond, CA: Science and Behavior Books, Inc.), 2.
Chapter 3
37 As Judy Tatelbaum …: Tatelbaum, You Don’t Have to Suffer, 55–61.
37 Sometimes we may find …: Stephen B. Karpman, “Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis” (1968 Transactional Analysis Bulletin, VII, No. 26), 39–43.
38 The classic “martyr mother” …: From conversations with Dr. Stephen Karpman, 1996.
39 I thought I had …: An excellent discussion of how codependents engage in the Drama Triangle is given by Melody Beattie in Codependent No More (1987, New York: Harper/Hazelden), chapter 8.
45 The best way to do this …: Lonnie Barbach and David Geisinger, Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love (1993, New York: Plume), 86.
46 Lonnie Barbach and David Geisinger, Going the Distance.
Chapter 4
55 Disappointments also develop …: Clifford Sager, Marriage Contracts and Couples Therapy (1976, New York: Brunner/Mazel), 85–88.
57 In the fantastic world …: Selma Fraiberg, The Magic Years This is a charming account of the magical world of young children. (1959, New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons).
63 Don Juan, the Seducer: Alice Miller, Thou Shalt Not Be Aware (1984, New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux), 79–82.
65 As Susan Jeffers observes …: Susan Jeffers, End the Struggle and Dance with Life (1996, New York: St. Martin’s Press), 74.
65 Now is a gift …: “The I Can” cards, ©1985 G2BE Publishers, Inc.
68 Psychologist Janet Wolfe addresses this …: Janet Wolfe, What to Do When He Has a Headache (1993, New York: Penguin), 15, 26.
71 Susan Jeffers writes …: Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (1987, New York: Fawcett), 111.
Chapter 5
76 “Those who love me …”: This theory of double binds is put forward by D. Spiegel in “Dissociation, Double Binds and the Posttraumatic Stress in Multiple Personality Disorder” (1986, In B. G. Braun (ed.), Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder, Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Press).
87 When this ambivalence surfaces …: Lillian Rubin, Intimate Strangers (1983, New York: Harper & Row), 65.
Chapter 6
94 Dr. Bruce Perry of the Baylor College of Medicine.… quoted from an article by J. Madeleine Nash, Time Magazine, February 3, 1997, p. 55. “Experience is the chief architect of the brain.” says Dr. Perry. The article goes on to say, “Because the brain develops in sequence, with more primitive structures stabilizing their connections first, early abuse is particularly damaging … these early experiences of stress form a kind of template around which later brain development is organized, the changes they create are all the more pervasive.”
96 In Intimate Worlds …: Maggie Scarf, Intimate Worlds (1995, New York: Random House).
96 Many observers have commented …: Allan Schore, Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development. (1994, Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Earlbaum Associates), 71–91. This comprehensive discussion of mutual gazing between infant and parent includes discussions of ideas by D. W. Winnicott and expanded on by Heinz Kohut and others, including “mutual gazing,” “mutuality,” “reflecting back,” and “the mirror role of the mother.” Daniel Stern’s ideas on “attunement” between mothers and their infants is also discussed in detail.
96 The human soul …: A. H. Almaas, The Point of Existence (1996, Berkeley, CA: Diamond Books).
97 This reciprocal nature …: Mary Main, Nancy Kaplan and Jude Cassidy, Security in Infancy, Childhood, and Adulthood: A Move to the Level of Representation, (Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50, 1985) 79–80.
Mary Main and Ruth Goldwyn, “Predicting Rejection of Her Infant From Mother’s Representation of Her Own Experience: Implications for the Abused-abusing Intergenerational Cycle,” Child Abuse and Neglect, 8 (1984): 203–217.
98 According to British psychiatrist …: John Bowlby, A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development (1988, New York: Basic Books), 11.
98 Researchers find that whether children …: M. Ainsworth, M. Blehar, E. Waters, and S. Wall, Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. (1978, Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum); Mary Main and Ruth Goldwyn, “Predicting Rejection of Her Infant from Mother’s Representation of Her Own Experience: Implications for the Abused-abusing Intergenerational Cycle,” Child Abuse and Neglect 8 (1984): 203–217; Bryon Egeland, L. Alan Sroufe, and Martha Erickson, “The developmental consequence of different patterns of maltreatment, Child Abuse and Neglect 7 (1983): 459–469; Margaret Ricks, “The Social Transmission of Parental Behavior: Attachment Across Generations,” Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development 50 (1985): 211–227.
98 Depending on how responsive.… Mary Ainsworth coined the terms secure, avoidant, and anxious-ambivalent based on the work of John Bowlby. M. Ainsworth, M. Blehar, E. Waters, and S. Wall. Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation (1978, Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum).
98 A fourth attachment style—insecure-disorganized/disoriented …: Mary Main, Nancy Kaplan and Jude Cassidy, Security in Infancy, Childhood, and Adulthood: A Move to the level of Representation, (Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development 50, 1985) 79–80.
Recent research regarding adult attachment styles is presented in Michael Sperling and William Berman (editors), Attachment in Adults: Clinical and Developmental Perspectives (1994, New York: The Guilford Press).
99 For more information on recent …: Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver looked at how these attachment styles are also present in romantic love. (Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process.) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 52, pp. 511–524, (1987). They based their work on three attachment styles conceptualized by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
99 Bowlby makes a distinction …: Bowlby, A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, 26–29.
99 Psychologist/anthropologist …: Ronald P. Rohner, The Warmth Dimension: Foundations of Parental Acceptance-rejection Theory. (1986, Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications), 19–21.
101 … Dr. Harlow’s and his experiments …: Harry Harlow, “The Development of Affectional Patterns in Infant Monkeys.” (1961, in B.M. Foss (editor), Determinants of Infant Behavior (Vol 1), New York: Wiley).
102 As Judith Viorst writes …: Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses (1987, New York: Fawcett), 23.
103 Psychiatrist John Bowlby describes some …: Bowlby, “The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds,” British Journal of Psychiatry 130 (1977): 206.
103 Based on the work …: The psychological maltreatment definitions used in this chapter are the product of the National Psychological Maltreatment Consortium and the American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (APSAC) Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment chaired by Stuart N. Hart, Ph.D. and Maria Brassard, Ph.D. Practice guidelines are discussed in American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children Psychosocial Evaluation of Suspected Psychological Maltreatment in Children and Adolescents, 1995, and in Stuart N. Hart, Marla R. Brassard, and Henry C. Karlson, “Psycho- logical Maltreatment” (1996, in J. Briere, L. Berliner, J. Bulkley, C. Jenny, and T. Reid (editors), The APSAC Handbook on Child Maltreatment, Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications), 72–89.
The Office for the Study of the Psychological Rights of the Child, Director, Stuart N. Hart, Ph.D. (317) 274-6805 or 6801. 902 West New York Street. Indianapolis, IN 46240.
Two excellent books discussing the concepts of psychological maltreatment are: Maria R. Brassard, Robert Germain, Stuart N. Hart. 1987. PsychologicalMaltreatment of Children and Youth. New York: Pergamon Press and James Garbarino, Edna Guttmann, Janis Wilson Seeley. 1986. The Psychologically Battered Child. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
105 My own research …: Elayne Savage, Perception of Childhood Parental Acceptance or Rejection: How It Relates to Adult Intimacy (1989, unpublished dissertation).
107 The young black man …: This article first appeared in the Baltimore Evening Sun, May 6, 1993, entitled “Don’t Tell Me I’m Imagining It!” by Elayne Savage.
114 When parents try to live their lives vicariously …: is from an article that first appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle, May 16, 1996, entitled “Motivation Versus Manipulation,” by Elayne Savage.
114 Jay North, the actor who played …: Rick Sandack, “After the Laugh Track Fades” (1993, Real People magazine, distributed by the Los Angeles Times Syndicate).
Chapter 7
119 And let’s not forget …: Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person describes a case study of fraternal twins raised in the same household. The boy is highly sensitive and the girl is not (23–27).
119 This trait of sensitivity is related to children’s temperments and how their parents perceive them. Dr Jim Cameron, Director of The Preventive Ounce, offers a questionnaire that helps parents understand their childrens temperaments (ages infancy–six years). You can check their web site: www.preventiveoz.org or contact them at 510-658-8359 (Oakland, CA).
121 Her initial idea …: Mary Main, and Ruth Goldwyn. Child Abuse and Neglect, 8, pp 203–217, 1987.
121 Parent-infant expert Selma Fraiberg describes …: Selma Fraiberg, Edna Adelson, and Vivian Shapiro, “Ghosts in the Nursery: A Psychoanalytic Approach to the Problems of Impaired Infant-Mother Relationships” (1975, Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, Vol. 14, 387–421.
125 Pat Conroy, author of …: Julian Guthrie, “High Tide in the Low Country” (July 16, 1995, The San Francisco Examiner Magazine).
126 Parents who have experienced anxious attachment …: Bowlby, Separation: Anxiety and Anger. (1973, New York: Basic Books) and A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. (1988, New York: Basic Books).
127 But for girls …: These studies about preadolescent girls contain many kinds of themes of rejection of the self and rejection by others and can be found in The American Association of University Women, Shortchanging Girls, Shortchanging America: A Call To Action (1991, Washington, D.C.: The American Association of University Women); Carol Gilligan, In A Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development (1982, Cambridge: Harvard University Press); Emily Hancock, The Girl Within (1989, New York: Fawcett Columbine); Peggy Orenstein, in association with the American Association of University Women, School Girls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Gender Gap. (1994, New York: Anchor); Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia (1994, New York: Ballantine).
128 Robert Johnson, in …: Robert A. Johnson, Owning Your Own Shadow (1991, San Francisco: HarperSan Francisco), 7–8.
128 Maggie Scarf describes …: Excellent discussions of projective identification are in Maggie Scarf, Intimate Partners (1988, New York: Ballentine Books), 186; Scarf, Intimate Worlds, (1995, New York: Random House) 76–77; and Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses (1986, New York: Fawcett), 214–215.
129 Scarf notes that …: Scarf, Intimate Partners, 185.
129 Scarf goes on to say …: Scarf, Intimate Partners, 200.
129 In The Missing Piece …: Claudia Black and Leslie Drozd, The Missing Piece—Solving the Puzzle of Self (1995, New York: Ballantine Books).
130 The legacy of …: Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club (1989, New York: Ivy Books).
130 … raised hopes and failed …: ibid., 144.
130 … something so large …: ibid., 54.
130 People rise to …: ibid., 20.
130 Why do you have to …: ibid., 101–102.
131 I often do a genogram …: Genograms have various forms—there is no right from wrong way. For more information on how to draw genograms and how they are used in systems therapy, a good reference is Monica McGoldrick and Randy Gerson, Genograms in Family Assessment (1985, New York: W. W. Norton & Company).
Chapter 8
135 Mealtimes in some families are like …: Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter VII, A Mad Tea-Party (1865, New York: J. J. Little & Ives Company), 64.
139 For further information …: Thomas Cash, The Body Image Workbook (1997, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications); Geneen Roth, Feeding the Hungry Heart (1982, New York: Signet); Geneen Roth, Appetites: On the Search for True Nourishment (1996, New York: Dutton); Debra Waterhouse, Like Mother, Like Daughter: How Women Are Influenced by Their Mother’s Relationship With Food and How to Break the Pattern (1997, New York: Hyperion); Marion Woodman, The Owl Was A Baker’s Daughter (1980, Toronto: Inner City Books).
Chapter 9
143 … placing a psychological blight …: is from Julius Segal and Herbert Yahraes, A Child’s Journey: Forces That Shape the Lives of Our Young (1978, New York: McGraw-Hill), 248. Many of my ideas on child development have come from this book.
146 Girls don’t express …: Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia, 68.
148 According to Mary Pipher, “scapegoating …”: Pipher, Reviving Ophelia, 68.
151 Parents are often alarmed …: Stephen P. Bank and Michael D. Kahn, The Sibling Bond (1982, New York: Basic Books, Inc.), 198–201.
Chapter 10
158 When parents aren’t …: I heard the term “cookie lady” in Claudia Black’s workshop, San Francisco, 1984.
158 Lillian Rubin, The Transcendent Child (1996, New York: BasicBooks).
158 Conversation with Lillian Rubin, 1996.
159 Another researcher has found …: Rohner, The Warmth Dimension, 131–136.
164 Self-soothing is an absolutely …: Nancy Napier, Re-creating Your Self (1990, New York: W.W. Norton), 157–176.
Chapter 11
166 … seven categories of personal …: John Friel and Linda Friel, Adult Child’s Guide to What’s “Normal” (1990, Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.), 29–31.
167 Having boundaries is like …: Pia Mellody and A.W. Miller, Facing Codependence (1989, San Francisco, CA: HarperSan Francisco), 11.
172 [overreact] to outside forces and underreact to inside forces …: Friel and Friel, Adult Child’s Guide, 16.
174 Alice Miller states …: Alice Miller, Thou Shalt Not Be Aware (1984, New York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux), 79–82.
175 In the same vein …: David Viscott, Emotionally Free: Letting Go of the Past to Lore in the Moment (Chicago, IL: Contemporary Books), 145–150.
175 Claudia Black, Repeat After Me (1985, Denver, CO: M.A.C. Publishing), 83–92.
176 There are several techniques …: Mellody, Breaking Free (1989, New York: Harper Collins), 320.
176 Mellody also describes …: Mellody, Breaking Free, 330.
Chapter 12
182 The studies mentioned …: Gilligan, Hancock, Orenstein, Pipher.
183 Go Away a Little …: Lillian Rubin, Intimate Strangers.
182 Elaine Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person, 11.
185 Steve Bhaerman and Don McMillan. Friends and Lovers: How to Meet the People You Want to Meet (1986, Cincinnati, OH: Writer’s Digest Books), 49.
186 The answer will always …: Patricia Fripp, San Francisco.
Chapter 13
189 Some of the best descriptions of ambivalence I’ve come across are in Susan Page’s If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? 1990. New York: Bantam Books; and Maggie Scarf’s Intimate Partners New York: Ballantine; and Judith Viorst’s Necessary Losses New York: Fawcett 1986.
193 This growth process …: Portia Nelson, “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters,” from Black, Repeat After Me.
194 Jeffers, Feel the Fear, 118.
194 Abraham Maslow, “Self-Actualization and Beyond,” Challenges in Humanistic Psychology (1967, in James F. T. Bugental (ed.), New York: McGraw Hill), 282.
198 Sheldon Kopp, If You Meet the Budda on the Road, Kill Him! 34–38.
Chapter 14
200 Maybe you learned …: The process of dissociation is described very well in Lenore Terr, Unchained Memories (1994, New York: Basic Books), 70–71.