CHAPTER 5

NETWORKING

BUSINESS TALK FOR ‘GETTING ON WITH PEOPLE’

At the start of the previous chapter I listed networking as one of the ways in which you could make an emotional connection with prospective clients. However, it’s such a large subject, one that almost stands alone because it has become such an integral part of most working people’s lives, that it warrants its own chapter.

Most of us are not keen at networking, which is a pity, because it’s a great way to CONNECT with and move on to the third stage of my business development model, MEET people.

What Is Networking?

When most people think about networking they conjure up a room full of strangers, with name badges, clutching a glass of Pinot while balancing a plate of nibbles, desperately worried about breaking into a group of people and indulging in conversation, anxious that they need to appear both interested and interesting. Such events may be external to your place of work, where you are the guest. Others are perhaps in-house, where you and colleagues are acting as hosts to people you have invited.

I would also include in networking those conversations you may strike up with complete strangers on a train, plane or in a waiting room. However, as I always explain to people new to the commercial world (such as recent graduates), ‘networking’ is just the term people in business give to ‘getting on with people’.

What I don’t cover here is social networking. Technology has given us a whole host of ways of getting and keeping in touch, but the bottom line remains that people do business with people they have met and if I want to meet people, I still prefer the phone.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that because you are connected to perhaps tens or even hundreds of people, you have a relationship with them, let alone one that would lead to business. In order to achieve that, you have to go and see them. LinkedIn, along with every other networking site, is simply a step or a conduit to getting to MEET up with someone.

Overall, I have to say that people who are serious about developing business are out there, making the calls, meeting people and, more importantly, making money. In other words, they’re far too busy to have the time to tell the rest of the world how busy they are or to whom they have just ‘connected’.

Networking with Strangers

I’m quite a chatty, friendly bloke. Not all the time: I can be a grumpy, miserable, antisocial so-and-so sometimes. However, I’m continually chatting to people I meet when I’m out and about. Ordinarily a brief exchange of words is all that occurs; however, on occasion the time, place and circumstances mean that a full-blown conversation ensues.

I’m fascinated by what people do with their time, whether that’s in paid employment or otherwise, so I tend to listen with interest as the person tells me all about their job, their life, family and background. Normally, if I show a genuine interest in them, they tend to ask about what I do.

Most people are interested to learn what I do for a living and the story of how I got there. What is more, occasionally but only occasionally, they will go further and ask me for a business card and make some remark about either a colleague or a friend possibly being interested in using my services. If that is the case, then I hand over my card – no more than that.

The point is, always keep your ears and eyes open, because you never know where business will spring from.

The Networking ‘Event’

Let’s look in more detail at how you handle a more formal, organized networking occasion: how do you prevent it being little more than a colossal waste of time?

Go to the Right Events

People starting out in business have a habit of joining generic networking groups: the kind where you turn up every week, have to do a little speech about what your business does and furnish another member with the name of a lead. While I’m sure these are lovely social get-togethers filled with bonhomie, you don’t get professional sales people going to them (for very long). They are a waste of time because they are full of people just starting up their own business, all of whom share two things in common: they haven’t got any money and they don’t know anyone. If they did, they wouldn’t be there.

It’s my experience that at this kind of event you always meet a printer, an independent financial adviser, a ‘life coach’, a mortgage broker, a computer repair person, assorted designers – graphic, web, soft furnishings and interior – a trainee accountant, a trainee lawyer, a personal trainer and the obligatory weirdo with a half-brained idea that no one, not even his mum, is going to buy into.

I want to target the legal market, so guess what? I go to events where there are wads of lawyers and/or the training and development managers of law firms. I could attend events where there are people from the hospitality industry, because they could buy my services as well, but that’s not my focus.

You do not have the luxury of wasting your time – especially in the early days of developing business – by attending the wrong events. If you’re unsure which events to go to, just ask yourself whether the people there are in your HOT, WARM, TEPID or COLD market – the warmer the better.

Only go to events where you know there are going to be people from the sectors you want to get into or that you sell to already. I think the term used in the movie Top Gun is ‘a target-rich environment’.

This is why doing your targeting is so important. Too many people waste time, attending ‘general’ events in the hope that they will bump into people who will want to buy or based on the mistaken belief that they can sell what they have to anyone and everyone.

Events You Are Hosting

If you have invited clients or prospective clients to a venue (either at your offices or elsewhere), then you can’t leave who meets who to chance. You have to play the part of a host, as you would in your home, where you would give thought and consideration to who you’d sit together, based on your assessment of who’d get on best with one another.

So, when deciding who to invite to this event, think about the following:

The large law firm I worked for hosted many client events. They usually took the form of seminars aimed at updating clients with the latest developments in law, but they had quite a social slant to them, with drinks and nibbles never far away.

I attended one such event hosted by the Employment Department at Old Trafford, where the event organizers did something that worked really well in getting people to mix. Each delegate’s name badge had a coloured spot on it: blue, purple, red etc. When they were given their badge at registration, a member of the law firm’s events team would walk them over to the table where other people wearing the same colour had been shown. So we ended up with ‘purple’, ‘blue’, ‘red’, ‘orange’, ‘green’ tables and so on, around which were a nice mix of individuals whom the firm thought would get on well together.

Incidentally, if you are running seminars, make sure they are superb. You want people to be leaving your event saying that it was the best seminar they’ve ever been to and that they can’t wait to come to the next one.

Events at Which You Are a Guest

Once you know which sectors you are going after, find out whether there is a trade association or professional body that holds regional events, or has an annual conference or exhibition, and go to those events.

Prior to the Event

Contact the organizer and ask for a delegate list so that you can see whether people from the sectors you’re interested in are attending. If they say they can’t give out a delegates list because of data protection, thank them for their time and then contact someone else involved in organizing the event who actually knows what they’re talking about.

Assuming you get hold of a list – and most of the time you will – then take a look at it and find the names of anyone you know already who’s going. Contact them and check if they still intend to be there.

This is a good thing to do, because there is nothing worse than walking into a networking event not knowing anyone and then having to strike up conversation with strangers. While it’s dumb to spend all evening chatting to someone you know already, knowing that there will be someone there that you can have as your first point of contact can be reassuring to many people.

Another advantage of hooking up with someone you know is that they may be able to introduce you to people they know but you don’t.

Who Do You Talk To?

If you have arrived with someone start by talking to them (it would be rude not to).

However, in circumstances where you haven’t, take a look at the delegate list and see whether there is the name of someone you’d particularly like to talk to. Then while you’re still at the registration point you can ask the organizers whether that person has arrived and, if so, would it be possible to point them out.

I have been on the receiving end of this and it’s quite flattering when someone you don’t know approaches you and says: ‘Hi, you must be Nick Davies. My name’s Max Kalber. I hope you don’t mind me introducing myself to you, but I really wanted to meet you and have a chat.’

What is more, it delays the point at which I have to look around the room for someone to talk to and that can only be good because, if you’re anything like me, that’s always the awkward bit.

Getting Conversations Going

You have arrived at registration and pinned your badge on. On behalf of blokes everywhere, I implore all women to pin your badge high up on your lapel or blouse, anywhere but on your chest. It’s really embarrassing for a man to try to see your name and that of the organization you represent, when the manoeuvre involves having to look directly at either your left or right boob. You wouldn’t like it if we wore our badges on the fly of our trousers – not nice at all.

Go to the area where the drinks are. Invariably this is tea or coffee. Pour yourself a cup. Nine times out of ten, another delegate will approach the table in anticipation of pouring themselves a drink once you’ve done. Look towards them and ask: ‘Are you having coffee?’ If they answer ‘Yes’, then give them the one you have just poured. Or, if they’ve poured theirs already and are waiting for you to finish with the milk, ask them if they’d like milk. If ‘Yes’, pour it for them.

This works with any liquid. I don’t want you reading this book only to go away thinking: ‘Nick seemed to be quite specific about coffee and milk, but what about tea? I don’t drink coffee or take milk! Oh no, maybe this is why I struggle at networking events?’

I use this natural ice-breaker all the time because it’s relaxed, perfectly natural and really easy to do, not to mention very effective. When I was director of a recruitment firm I did this and got talking to someone who turned out to be a fantastic recruitment consultant with a rival agency. Six weeks later they were working for us and bringing in loads of cash – all from a simple ‘Would you like coffee?’

It also works because it brings in a little bit of psychology concerning reciprocity. If you give someone something for free, without being asked, they feel obliged to give you something in return – in this scenario, that’s time.

Imagine if you arrived at the drinks table at a networking event, were offered a cup off coffee that someone had poured for themselves and you just said ‘Thanks’ and walked away. It would be hard to do, wouldn’t it? It’s impolite. In fact it’s only happened to me once.

The drink offer only works assuming that you are neither the first nor the last person arriving at the event. If the former, then you’d have to hover around the drinks table and end up looking a bit like a waiter. If the latter, you’d have to shout across the room to ask if anyone would like a top-up. This is contrived and makes you appear weird.

Moving In

What if you’ve got no one to talk to when you walk into the event, no one is able to introduce you to someone and no opportunity has arisen at the drinks table?

First, you need to make an assessment of the room. You’ve been doing this every time you’ve been to an event, it’s just that you might not be aware you were doing it.

There may be a couple of large groups of individuals gathered together. There are a number of smaller groups of three or four people. Then there are a number of ‘couples’ and, of course, people like you, who are on their own.

Groups of four or more are hard to break into. I don’t bother: it’s too difficult and too awkward. However, if it’s your only choice, then approach the group so that you are facing the person speaking and make eye contact with them, so that they in turn acknowledge you.

Groups of three or four are easier than the big groups, but you still need to approach with caution. The first thing to do is to size these groups up. If from the body language and position of each person or from their conversation – assuming you can hear it – it would appear that they are work colleagues, deep in conversation, leave them to it. Even if these people are not from the same firm, they may be continuing a conversation that began in the taxi on the way to the event.

On the other hand, if you get the feeling they are not colleagues and the body language would suggest that this is a relaxed, informal group, then approach and ask if you can join them.

This does rely on you being assertive and probably taking a deep breath before making a move, but if the alternative is standing on your own all evening feeling like a clown at a funeral, then you’ve everything to gain – including keeping your dignity.

People in twos are easier to approach, although once again you must make an assessment based on their respective body language and position relative to one another. If they are close and there’s touching, it’s perhaps prudent to leave them to it. Otherwise twos are often, at least subconsciously, looking for a third person to join them and you can clearly see this in the way they are standing.

Very often you’ll see two people at ‘ten to two’ next to each other, as though waiting for someone to complete the triumvirate. Be aware of this – you’ll be amazed at how many times you witness it. It’s an invitation for someone to join them, so accept it.

What about people on their own? Have you ever been stood on your own at an event? How do you feel if someone comes up and talks to you? Exactly: relieved.

People alone are the easiest to talk to. They are in exactly the same boat as you. They feel awkward and shy about making an approach. They obviously know no one and are worried about being the only person without a ‘friend’, thus giving the impression to others that they must be in some way odd.

To sum up: the coffee/tea ploy works a treat. If that’s not viable, go and speak to someone who’s on their own.

Alcohol

Quite often when I’m talking to young professionals, the subject of alcohol comes up. More than a few delegates will express concern at the prospect of becoming a little drunk and saying the wrong thing to the wrong person or behaving inappropriately. They want my advice on what to do in such situations.

I have to confess that the first time this matter was raised, I was dumbstruck, because it seems patently obvious to me – and quite likely to lots of you reading this – that you don’t drink alcohol or just have one and then don’t have any more.

If you are new to the professional or business world, I cannot stress enough just how important this is. If you drink too much you lose control of what you are doing and what you’re saying. Even if senior managers don’t take you to one side and mention it, either at the time or later, make no mistake about it, they will have clocked it and, in all likelihood, told other senior people, including those within the personnel department. All of that will affect your future career advancement, and the first thing you’ll know is your head hitting a glass ceiling or, even more subtle, your feet being affixed to a sticky floor.

Food

Food is another subject that can create anxiety. People say things like: ‘It’s so awkward when you have a glass in one hand and a plate of food in the other and you’re attempting to have a conversation with someone. What on earth do you do? I always feel so self-conscious.’

When you think about this it’s quite simple: put the plate down and finish what’s in your mouth, then you can talk.

Remembering Names

Are you any good at remembering names?

Yeah, I thought not. Neither am I, although I’m better than I was.

The first thing to note is that you don’t forget the names of people you meet. It’s simply that you don’t hear them in the first place.

When two people meet for the first time they move through three initial steps of body language we’re going to talk about later in the chapter: eye to body, eye to eye and then hand to hand. During this process, there is what is referred to as ‘visual noise’. So when the person tells you their name, you’re kind of deaf to it, which explains why after only three seconds you are looking at them and thinking: ‘I have absolutely no idea what you are called and yet I know for a fact that you did tell me.’

If you’re at an event where people are wearing name badges, this isn’t too much of a problem, other than having to contort yourself to read the name clearly. But what do you do if there isn’t a name badge?

Once you know that visual noise is happening, the next time someone introduces themselves to you or you are introduced to them, you repeat their name as soon as they have said it:

ME: Hi, my name’s Nick.
PIERCE: Hi, I’m Pierce.
ME: Hi Pierce, pleased to meet you.

Then you use their name two or three times during the first minute and in that way you ‘cement’ it in your memory.

If you fail to do this, then you can always ask them to repeat it: ‘Do you know, I’m terrible at names, what’s yours again? I didn’t quite catch it, I’m afraid.’

If someone asks you that how do you feel? Offended? Cut to the quick? Of course not! And neither will anyone you have to ask. In fact I would suggest that asking the person to repeat their name sends a very strong signal that their name is important to you.

You can only ask this once – and never of a long-term partner, it would really upset them …

Awkward and Seemingly Unpronounceable Names

Don’t struggle when you meet someone with an unusual name and certainly don’t spend time talking to them without using their name. It’s obvious to both parties when this is happening and it’s really awkward if someone joins the conversation, looks to you for an introduction and you have no idea what to say.

If someone with an unusual name introduces themselves and you didn’t get the pronunciation straight off, ask them to pronounce it again for you. They won’t mind. They are used to people struggling with their name: they’ve experienced it all their life.

What I have found is that they are more than happy to help you get the pronunciation right and are chuffed that you’ve been one of the few people to take the time to get it right.

The Seven Stages of Body Language

I said earlier I was going to talk about body language, a subject that has always fascinated me. When you can read it, it makes you better at getting things off to a good start.

Research done by Desmond Morris, the anthropologist and author of the famous 1970s book The Naked Ape, demonstrated that when two human beings meet and get to know each other, they move through various stages of body language:

1. Eye to body.

2. Eye to eye.

3. Hand to hand.

4. Hand to shoulder.

5. Hand to waist.

6. Face to face.

7. Hand to head.

1. Eye to Body

Like it or not, the fact is that we make judgements about people as soon as we set eyes on them.

Those of you who have had cause to interview people will know this to be the case. You read someone’s CV, like the sound of them and invite them in for an interview. Reception calls to let you know your interviewee has arrived. You turn up, the receptionist points them out and before they have even got up from the chair, you have formed an impression of them. And I’ll bet there have been times when you’ve thought: ‘You aren’t getting the job, no matter how good you are. You might as well leave now!’

Once that initial impression is made we look for clues and signals that either support or run contrary to it. However, after the first couple of minutes, it’s pretty much set and it’s almost impossible for the person to convince you otherwise.

So it’s pretty important that you look the part. A general rule of thumb is to be a little smarter than you think you should. If you’re too scruffy it’s difficult to dress things up, but if you’re too smart you can simply remove your tie or jacket or undo a top button to create a more relaxed appearance.

Once again, it’s about establishing trust and credibility. And let’s be honest, if you can’t dress yourself properly then you’re making it difficult for yourself to establish either of these, particularly the latter.

2. Eye to Eye

We tend not to trust people who don’t look us in the eye; we regard them as ‘shifty’. Equally, you don’t want to be staring at people, so look into their eyes and around their face. The vast majority of us look at a person’s mouth when they are talking to us, which is fine, just don’t neglect the eyes. And for goodness’ sake, don’t look over someone’s shoulder when they are speaking to you: it’s really off-putting.

3. Hand to Hand

We don’t ‘do’ touching in our society. Walk down a busy high street or get on public transport and see how much effort we go to avoid touching each other. In such a culture, the handshake takes on a whole new significance.

Think about it. We only touch the hands of people we care deeply about: mum and dad when we were little, our kids if they are little, or our partner. Getting hold of another person’s hand is a pretty intimate thing to do, so you’d better ensure your handshake is a decent one – dry, firm and complete. So much information is conveyed in that handshake.

Sweaty hands are a big ‘no’! Before you go into a meeting, have an interview or embark on some networking, go and wash your hands – always!

Your handshake should be firm. A light, fluffy handshake says unconfident, not sure of yourself, perhaps sly, can’t be bothered. But don’t be bone-crunching, which is unnecessary and tends to be confined to those who are of a certain age, overpowering, trying to prove something. That applies to women too: men notice women who have a decent, firm handshake.

Credibility is something that is established right from the start of a relationship; right from that very first encounter. A firm handshake, while looking someone in the eye, introducing yourself and saying ‘Very pleased to meet you’, is a superb way of establishing your credibility and parity with them, right from the off – no messing or ambiguity.

There are four more stages of body language, but they get a bit rude and one, I don’t know you well enough; and two, you really shouldn’t be going past step three in most of your networking encounters!

To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

As the great Bob Dylan once sang: ‘Times they are a changin’.’

People in Europe love a bit of cheek action – blokes and women alike – but us Brits are not too sure about it, particularly in a business setting.

Here’s what I’ve observed travelling up and down the country.

However, in the case of female clients, there does come a point when the relationship has moved from handshake to kiss, in which case I tend to shake their hand and give them a kiss. Once I know them better, I dispense with the handshake and just do the kiss (one cheek outside London, both cheeks in London).

If I meet a woman in London whom I know is based in an office outside London, then I just kiss the one cheek. The geographical location of the kissee is not important; rather, it is where she comes from.

Having said that, it still leaves you with the worry of when you feel a business relationship with a woman has moved to a level of familiarity where a kiss would not be inappropriate. This is a question to which there is no answer – you just have to play it by ear. If it feels right then go for it, but for heaven’s sake be positive about it; don’t mess about. There’s nothing more guaranteed to make a woman’s skin crawl than to have a bloke timidly, hesitantly, awkwardly plant a kiss on her cheek – no matter how well intentioned. And don’t linger! Give her a kiss and back off.

If in doubt, don’t kiss – no matter how well you know one another in a business context. If you feel awkward about it then you’ll pass those uncertain feelings on to her.

Irrespective of how you have ended up exchanging names, kissing or shaking the hand of the person with whom you now find yourself talking, one thing’s for sure: you’ll have to chat about something and that’s what I discuss in the next chapter.

Following Up

Very few people like networking, although most tend to enjoy it once they get into it and strike up a conversation with someone.

Make sure that you are going to the right events for you and spending miles more time listening rather than talking: you learn more, you don’t have to be fascinating and people will think you’re lovely.

Be aware of what you are saying even when you’re not talking and get the touchy-feely bits right, whether that be the handshake or the kiss.

Above all, relax. Too many people put too much pressure on themselves to make as many high-level, potentially productive contacts as they can and tell them all about the marvellous services or products they offer. Networking events are about chatting to people and establishing the emotional connection that will make arranging to meet for a coffee (FOLLOW UP) dead easy and no big deal.